Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried

So it's hard to wish the sun would just explode When

God comes and calls me to his kingdom

I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go.

Hi, sir.

Hey, let me drive that thing. Come on. Cut the trim.

Hey, y 'all. This is Rusty Collar. And I'm going to bungee jump off this bell

tower in the back of that pickup truck.

And my granny down there, she's going to flip that truck over that pickup truck.

Thank you, Rusty. So hit me up with some likes and subscribe to my channel

because somebody told me this is how you make some damn money.

I'm out, bitches.

I thought a bungee cord was supposed to snap back. It's a freaking rope, dude.

You gotta watch it.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Headly naked.

What y 'all watching? Something funny on the computer box? Oh, no, my trunk is

on fire. Oh, no, my trunk is on fire.

Your whole family is dumb. I'm going to share this with everyone I have ever

known. Boom.

This is going viral.

Every time.

I want to see.

Tragedy plus time.

Too soon, I guess.

There's my guy, Steve Blumen, senior vice president in charge of marketing

Guzzle Libations. Congratulations, Rusty. You broke the internet. You

it, bro. No, no, no. Over 20 million unique page views yesterday alone.

Yoda bro and Baby Watch's gang bang are both going, where are my eyeballs at?

They're on the Guzzle bumpkin, son.

The Guzzle bumpkin. That's right.

Guzzle wants you as our brand ambassador.

We want to build a whole campaign around you and all the crazy, stupid shit

you're about. to do to create excitement for our energy beverage.

I'm gonna be famous?

Hell yeah!

Hold on now. My boy almost lost his life.

So pardon my sarcasm, Steve, when I ask.

Who's gonna replace my sumbitchin' truck?

When I called the insurance people, they had the gall to say that I didn't have

no insurance.

And why in the hell am I calling them?

And I said, I don't know. I don't have no damn insurance.

Man, I think we hung up or something. I forget. Hell, I don't know.

How about if I hook you up with some guzzle gear?

Can you get me a cornhole game out of this?

Yeah, sure. I have one of those in the warehouse, I'm sure. Woo!

Cornhole, baby!

I'll negotiate the hell out of you, son.

He don't even know what hit him. Look at his pockets. Flipped out like bunny

ears.

Doctor, throw this asshole's nuts back on. He's got some videos to make.

Hey, y 'all, this is the Guzzle Bumpkin, and I'm gonna fight this black bear

with a bullwhip while I'm ducking. Safe to the back of a stingray.

Grab these nuts and guzzle them up.

Oh, my God!

Hey,

y 'all, it's Guzzle Bunkin' coming at you. Hey,

y 'all, it's Guzzle Bunkin' shouting at you, and I'm going to eat a pound of dry

cinnamon, chug a gallon of milk, then chase it all with a quart of soy sauce.

Grab these nuts and just... Oh,

baby, are you all right?

I feel kind of dizzy.

Why diffuse?

What are y 'all doing down there? Play the plays now. That's right.

Cut. Ah, damn it. He didn't say it.

Oh, baby, are you all right? Hang on.

Did y 'all blow up my butt? I'm sorry, honey, but... You forgot to say the

guzzle phrase.

That's right. Grab these nuts and guzzle up.

That's what the hell they pay us for, bunkin'. Wait, y 'all didn't pay for...

Why is there not an M -80 up his poop chute? They wouldn't sell me no more.

Said we was misusing them. Well, didn't you tell them it's our butthole and we

can do what we want with it?

Oh, honey, are you all right? Y 'all didn't pay for this shit.

Since you destroyed my truck boat truck.

Guzzle done give me a snowmobile, towing a jet ski, towing a hang glider,

pulling a parasail, dragging a hoverboard. He tied that cornhole game

back, too.

It don't ride with a dam, but it's extreme as hell.

That's a bumpkin. Grab these nuts.

He did what?

Your son swallowed three pounds of crickets and a whole thing of fishing

just like his daddy.

Oh, come on, Tammy. They're easy to get out. Just hook up the fishing lines to

the tow hitch of an ATV and gun it.

Let's do it.

You're missing the point. Your son looks up to you, and you're running around

calling yourself a bumpkin? You want Randy to back down the next time

tells him to jam an ice pick down his ear hole for attention?

Yeah, actually, I do.

Look, baby, there's got to be a safer way to provide for us, and providing

money would be nice, too. We can't eat Internet locks.

There he is, the guzzle pumpkin.

Hey, Steve.

Yo, so I had some notes on your bleach pong challenge video. The biggest one

being you didn't drink any bleach, bro.

Don't be a fool.

Drinking bleach ain't cool. I mean, if the guzzle drinking public wants to be

lectured to, they can go back to school. Am I right, pumpkin?

Yeah, about that, Steve.

I was talking to my baby mama, and she showed me in the dictionary what pumpkin

means, and maybe we could come up with a name that's a little more positive and

life -affirming.

How about the Guzzle Gladiator?

The guzzle gentleman with the good guzzle manners?

The guzzle gay acceptance guardian?

Anything's ringing any bells for you? Clang, clang. They're ringing the shitty

name bell, bro. You want us to recall all these hoodies? You would do that to

guzzle after all we've done to you? After all we've dropped on you and

inside you? Look, I'm just worried about the impression I'm making on the world.

I think I'm going to have to turn in my guzzle gear. The hoodie, the grill, the

guzzle gauges.

I'm sorry, Steve. I just can't do this anymore in good conscience.

That's a real shame, Bumpkin. We're going to get so many frosh eyeballs on

for the New Year's Eve stunt.

What New Year's Eve stunt?

We were planning to drop a tanker filled with dog shit on your head. And you

were going to have to eat your way out.

Sounds like you're moving on.

Yeah, and it sounds like I made the right decision, too. And we were going

pay you a hundred grand to do it.

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Look, Tammy, it's 100 grand.

Then I'm out. I just want to grab these nuts and guzzle up one last time.

Then you're going to grab those nuts without me and Randy. I will not go to

York City to watch you kill yourself under the world's biggest pile of dog

Oh, so you don't think I can do it, huh?

I'll show your ass. I'll show everybody.

Oh.

Don't drop that shit on me. Don't do it.

Please don't drop that shit on me.

What the hell, man?

Who are y 'all? Let's tell this little punk. Friend like he don't know who we

are. Coolio, gangster's paradise in the flesh, cuz.

I'm Wee Man.

I can kick myself in the forehead.

Are y 'all gullets? What? Just because I'm not in the news every day don't mean

I'm dead.

I'm just taking a break from the entertainment business.

Spending more time with my family. You know what I'm saying?

What y 'all doing here? Bumpkin, these other folks don't have your best

interests at heart.

You remember my space vampire movie, right?

Dracula 3000?

Damn, you made 3000 of them? I did all my own stunts. Except for the ones the

stuntman did. I did a commando role and compressed three dents in my back.

My gangster walk wasn't quite as thuggish after that injury.

I used to do all of my own stunts, too. Like that time they stuck me in a

gorilla uterus so it could give birth to me.

That's not even wrong. The gorilla died.

Turns out they're not supposed to give birth to human men.

Also, super illegal.

I got pink eye, hep C, and nearly lost my foot to sepsis. I couldn't kick

in the forehead for a year after that.

Damn. Don't do this New Year's Eve stunt, pumpkin.

But it's 100 grand, wee man.

Oh, you should totally do the stunt.

But you just said not to do the stunt.

How much you getting paid again?

100 grand. You should totally do the stunt. I can do the stunt. No, it's my

up there getting shit dumped on it.

Tonight's the night, folks.

Above you, one metric ton of dog shit.

Below, the guzzle bumpkin!

Where's your son, bro?

Oh, Bumpkin's gonna be here. Yeah, he done told me how excited he was to get

shit dropped on his head. He's real thrilled at this opportunity, Steve, and

he's very grateful for it. Do you have any idea how much that tanker full of

shit cost us?

Not much. It was donated. But if the Bumpkin doesn't show, we're confiscating

all of your guzzle -branded gear.

Everything. Uh, Steve, now, you know, the cornhole game was a gift. No, it

wasn't. Read the fine print, bro.

What about the Bumpkin? Damn it! Don't he know how much this means to me?

I'm so glad you did the right thing, baby.

Well, I can't dump shit on a bumpkin if there ain't no bumpkin to dump shit on.

Hold up, who's that wearing your wingsuit?

I'm Jungle Bumpkin, y 'all.

I'm ready to do this thing.

Y 'all dump a tanker of dog shit on my head, because I don't know no better.

Drop that shit!

Happy New Year, Tammy.

Yeah, you know, them guzzle folks got a shit ton of bad press after they dropped

that shit ton of dog shit on your daddy's head. Well, it is good to see

moving their marketing campaign in a more positive direction. And without

Listen up, y 'all. This is Coolio with the flow, coming at you from sub

Africa.

Guzzle has provided enough rice, soy protein, and purified guzzle for this

village to last a year.

And they have to eat it all in three minutes, or we get to turn their village

into a skate park!

Totally rad, Coolio!

You're a daddy would have hated to see this.

He'd probably be spinning in his grave.

His dog shit grave.

I did it.

I ate my way through.

Where's my money?

My guns were branded gear too, huh?