Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode, would just explode. When God

and calls me to his kingdom.

I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go. Let her blow.

Hunter. I might let me drive that thing. Come on.

Touch the trim.

Hey, Daddy, I see one. I see one. All right, now, calm down. Hold steady now.

Let me light the eye and fire.

That buck kind of screams like a man.

Hey, dumbass, can't you see we bow hunting out here?

Must be worrying.

Hold it, Early. You can't be bow hunting here. This is a closed set.

Y 'all making one of them filmy movies?

Like what they got on the TV?

That's right, Rusty. I'm part of the crew.

Uh -uh, no, sir. Y 'all ain't shooting no damn movie on my back 40. Not without

no monetarily computation.

Hell no.

Excuse me, guys.

Oh, my God, Daddy. That's Tance Jackerman. I seen him on the TV. You

remind me a lot of Bubba Briscoe.

It's the character I play in this film. He's a near -do -well black sheep of the

family, but he does what it takes to provide for his kin.

I don't know no Bresco. Hey from Lumpkin?

He's fictional.

Make -believe.

Lumpkin's real. Just one time over. Don't you try and trick me.

What do you have going on for tonight?

Well, it's a pretty damn busy evening.

Got to inhale this here gallon of mineral spirits.

Been with Lestat.

Would you mind if I just hang out?

You know, shatter you. Is that some kind of weird -ass Hollywood sax thing? No,

no, no, no. I just want to see what makes you tick.

I got me a deer tick on my tank about as big as a damn nickel. He wants to see

my ticks, Rusty, not yours.

Of course you'll be paid handsomely for your time.

You live here now. You see that tank?

A southern man tells it like it is. Now let's get it. Woo!

Let's get it. Woo.

Y 'all. Y 'all.

No. It's y 'all. Y 'all.

Y 'all. Y 'all.

Y 'all.

No R.

Hell no. Yam. Y 'all. Yamons.

Where the hell'd you get that?

Man, it's harder than it sounds. No, no, no. Repeat after me now.

Y 'all fixing to tie a whoopin' on Junior and them.

You're all fixing to tie a whoopin' on Junior and them. Junior and them, damn

it. It's one word. Junior and them. Don't break it up like a nerd.

Hold on, let me.

Me, me, me, me. My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my. Stop praying to your Jew

gods. Put this in your mind and you never forget it.

Say y 'all when you want to call on all.

Say y 'all when you want to call on all.

Yeah, there you go. You get me. Say y 'all when you want to call on all.

There you go.

Now when you're mixing with a vexing, you say fixing.

I'm fixing to be mixing with a vexing.

You best be fixin' to get your licks in.

It might help you learn the diction.

Cause I'm fixin' to put my dicks into your dicksin'. He's fixin'

to put his dicks into my dicksin'. He's got it. Hell yeah. Let's celebrate.

Wow, you make that look easy.

Here, you try.

All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You lost your mind?

This is my beer. You shotgun one of yours. Okay, okay. I guess we'll go buy

beer for me.

That ain't how you do a beer run.

This here's how you do a beer run.

All y 'all fixing to go down on the floor.

Damn, you don't use y 'all when you're talking to one person.

This here's a damn individual, and he's got a name. It's Boyd. Oh, well, thank

you. Shut your mouth, dirt.

Now go on and fetch the beer while I stomp.

Boy, it's brains out. How about a half a weitz in there? A cherry wheat? No, get

the good stuff. The towel cans.

Oh, the police.

Should we strip down to the waist and try to fist fight him?

Early?

Hello? This is usually about the time he passes out during this procedure.

Hey, Mr. Jackerman, can we get a photo together?

Yeah, sure, guy. Without fans, I wouldn't have a job.

Well, I'd probably have a job.

Easy asleep, yeah?

This here's Tanks Jackerman. So you best let us both the hell out of here right

now. I know who it is, Early. I'm just trying to be cool.

They don't like it when you treat them like they're all things. That's right.

Just treat me like any other common white trash lowlife. Like him.

Well, as long as I got you in there.

Let me pitch you an idea for a screenplay.

Don't sell this now. I'm just an actor. You know them movies where a guy gets

conked on the head and he kind of switches identity with a kid?

I did two of those.

Well, my movie's kind of like that, but this guy switches places with a moose. I

call it Loose Change.

Why not just call it Moose Change?

Moose Change.

Hot! Damn, how'd I miss that?

Tance Jackerman in my cell, writing a movie with me. You know what? I think I

got this whole jail thing.

Why don't you go ahead and let me out? Best let my ass out, too.

Hell, I'm a consultant producer on this here project.

It is armed robbery.

Look, I can tell you're a good cop. And we may need someone to play a cop in the

scene where the monster eviscerates a bunch of cops.

You think I could play a policeman?

I knew there was a reason I had this uniform.

Here, you smell on this long and hard until the face Jesus comes down and

you who to punch.

I ain't fixing to do that, Hurley.

I have a personal training session in a couple of hours. Let's meet at my

trailer at 7 .30 for breakfast. We'll chew some fat.

And here's 500 bucks for the day.

Thanks, bro.

Oh, no.

Just because you pay me don't mean you can lay me.

I'm going to use that.

Just because you pay me don't mean you're going to lay me.

You're bringing shame upon this house.

Them Hollywooders only aim to Jew -tize you and homosexualize you. Shut your

damn sperm, Gurgler. Hell, he just gave me $500 just to hang out and be myself.

Why can't you be cool like that, huh? Well, I still don't approve, but let's

take that money to the engine casino and buy some cocaine.

My head shot.

I can horseback ride and ice skate. I do several dialects, and I've got a spot

on Italian.

Mama mia, that's a spaghetti meatball.

Me no like other races.

Uh, yeah.

Tell you what, let's go ahead and try the lines on the page.

With the italiana, for me to say for you.

With the regular English, please.

Cop three, heroic, hold firm, guys.

That creature don't know what it's up against.

Okay. Maybe a little more bold. You're really rallying the troops here, you

know? Monster's coming to get you, so... All right, got it.

Cop three. He wrote it. You don't have to read the character names. Just the

lines would be great. Oh, okay.

I got you. All right.

Hold firm, guys. That creature don't know what it is up against.

Okay, that was wonderful. Thank you.

My address is on the sheet there. Yeah, we've got that here. Y 'all give me a

call. I don't have an agent yet. So don't forget to remember a meal.

I hear you.

Oh, thanks.

We do cocaine down here in the South, so you need to observe me doing some

cocaine. Give me one of your $100 bills. I need you to roll it up, fill it with

cocaine, and blow it straight up my ass.

Where the hell were you, bro?

I've been being myself for two days straight.

It ain't my fault you didn't show up for work.

Early, I was counting on you to be an undependable black sheep from the wrong

side of the track, and you can't even make it to a basic call time?

I hear you, bro, but listen.

I need today's money now so I can get back my two days ago money back from

Chickasaw Cuisine or what took my money. You know what? Here's $200.

You and me, we're done.

We're done when I say we're done.

And we have many, many payments of $500 away. We're done.

You can't have cocaine, too. Bring cocaine. Skyler, we need you at gate two

Roger that.

He pays me to act like me. And I've been...

You owe me money!

And don't forget the booger sugar.

I'm crashing hard here.

Now, y 'all listen.

They're about to shoot that big monster scene out by the river. Is that my

shack? They stole my shack!

Yeah, they wanted to rent our shack, but it's just cheaper to build one. Hey,

see if they'll give you that shack. That's the better shack.

Now, listen.

Please don't ruin this for me. I'm actually good at this.

Doing what?

Well, hanging lights, mostly. Hanging lights, huh?

Well, hey, Granny.

How many rusties does it take to hang a light bulb?

One. Y 'all are both super high right now. Y 'all need to go get you some

All right, dammit, I'll calm down.

But you tell your old buddy, Tanks Jackerman, that I'm gonna be here in

Madder, old spirit.

Also, would you please tell him that... I know, Granny, you're interested in

cocaine. Thank you.

Monster climax pick 1A.

And action.

monster huh you mean the monster the monster is you what's going on i can't

have brought a knife to a monster fight

audition to really dry it up since

your little stunt down at the river early it's really dried up people coming

around paying me to act like me too Fangs are tough all over. Yeah, but you

didn't spend $4 ,000 on headshots, did you? They took your picture down at the

barbecue joint.

Dammit, you take this over there and put it up right next to the Oak Ridge boys

on that wall of fame, and you can tell them I got 10 ,000 more where that came

from. Just come in. Straight to DVD.

Finally. Pop it in, Boyd.

I've been fixing to live on this river all my cotton -picking life.

If Jarl's standing my way, Jarl gonna get what's coming to Jarl.

Hard to believe he's British.

All right, all right, fast forward over to my scene. I got a speaking part, and

I want to see this.

Well, that guy's creature doesn't know what it's up against.

Holy hell, are you kidding me?

Wait, roll that back.

Yep, that's me right there. See that?

Yargle.