Original subtitles

My dream.

Yeah.

What's that? Come on, now. Put on these here edibles.

Now, come on, Glenn's wife.

Be a professional now.

I'm sorry, but them damn granny panties just won't gonna do it for me.

Doug'll get it. Thing is, Early, Doug ain't the judge here no more.

He's been forced off the bench. What the hell?

But Doug... was so chill.

Always forgiving and forgetting.

Well, it was actually that forgetting part that got him in trouble. It's

dementia. He didn't even have any idea who you were or what you was up to.

I'll rise for the Honorable Judge Quintavious Jammer. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. The other one.

Oh, okay.

Get them asses up off them pews.

Get them asses up, Gil.

Get them up.

Put them damn hands together and make a clamor for Judge Quintavious the Hammer.

Jammer! Ooh, yeah!

Ha, ha, ha! Keep that jammer clamor going!

All right, no more jammer clamor. What do we got here?

Ooh -wee! Somebody been creeping around being sneaky and freaky and taking a

peeky. Your Honor, all I was trying to do was simply spice up my relationship

with Glenn's wife.

This here video will show.

Oh, looky here. It's broke.

Case closed.

Case dismissed.

Y 'all sumbitches ain't got nothing on me.

I find you guilty as charged.

Fine. Put me in jail. I can do the time standing on my head.

What you want on that pizza, Early? Double cheese, sausage, and them cheesy

breads, too.

No, sir.

I'm not. I'm allowing the taxpayers to fit the bill for your evil, evil ways.

Not this time. It won't be no meat lovers. It won't be no double cheese.

It won't be no cheesy bread.

Oh, I got something for your ass.

It's about to be on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I regard women's behinds and boobies more than I regard their right to

Because I'm a red -blooded American male and I got needs, damn it.

Hell, she should have been flattered I took interest anyhow. Early, let's stay

with the court -appointed text. Why I gotta say all this?

Everybody knows I'm a dirty -ass dog.

It's my thing.

Well, Judge Jammer wants you to feel ashamed about what you've done. That's

he gives out these unconventional sentences.

I also think he kind of gets off on shaming folk.

Early?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm into being shamed. Well, I'm a harlot with low self -esteem who

herself for money.

Yeah, baby, I can read.

Ooh, yeah, baby. Early, Darla.

Y 'all supposed to be doing this in the middle of downtown.

What, this?

No, not that.

That's the same stuff.

I'm cured now.

Now get the hell out of my damn way, because I'm drunk and pissed and naked,

I'm driving home.

your whistle, launching your missile into a prostitute's gristle.

Damn, boy!

What you gotta say for yourself?

I'm sorry, Judge, but I found Jesus. The hell you did?

Jesus wouldn't be a part of this sin and divinity.

Uh, permission to approach the bitch?

I said bitch! Excuse me?

Aw, hell, he don't get it. You're damn lucky somebody wasn't killed here.

But we're still gonna have a funeral.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, we are.

Goodbye, party licker. May the flyers on this grave be forever getting sideways

tonight by all 180 proof of your... Goodbye, madame Fatimene Puffery.

When I was feeling down and depressed, your fumes always lifted me up and freed

me of my worries, my dignity, and most of what was in my bowels.

I got to have me some milk.

That there's public talking makes me nervous. Go ahead, Early. Push the whole

meth lab in there.

Why can't you just put me in jail?

I mean, y 'all got three pizza pies in there.

Now, toss in your truck keys.

Judge Jammer don't want you on the road.

Ugh, damn.

Those were my keys, weren't they?

I reckon they was.

Woo -hoo! We got us a free coffee table, y 'all. Hot damn!

It's a coffin. See?

I just wanted one more for the road.

Judge ordered y 'all to keep it in here for five years as a reminder that

drinking and drugging and driving lead to dying.

Pretty soon you'll be saying huffing's part of the damn deal, won't you? Sorry,

bud.

Fine, then. But mark my words, this ends today.

Today!

Hmm.

That's ominous.

Is the judge in?

Oh, that's my reading glasses.

I can't say a darn thing without them.

Say, is the judge in?

How about you hop in the X -ray bin, please?

Is the judge in? What time does the judge get here? I just want to talk to

Son, do you realize I could put you away for this?

You could?

Would you consider doing that? I mean, y 'all got the free pizza pies and all.

I mean, that there will teach me.

You love using pizza, don't you?

Yes, sir, I do.

And you got the proclivity for stuffing items up inside your bone hole, don't

you? Well, where you going with this?

Damn, that's hot.

Blow on it. I'm sorry, Daddy.

That judge says it's got to be piping hot.

It's going to burn the skin off the roof of my butt. All right, now. Judge said

I got to add the wild boy bread. Why the hell is this happening to me?

Why is that happening to me? That's my question.

Where's the damn sheriff? Hear ye, hear ye.

Instead of stopping a robbery in progress, I was changing my profile pic

kitty dressed as a Jedi.

I'm a sorry excuse for a lawman.

Uh -uh. You're supposed to be doing that in the center of town, Hoss. In front

of the Lord and everybody.

Yeah, well, there's so many punishments going on downtown that they got to

spread us out.

Here you, here you are.

I was only trying to spice up my marriage. I didn't even really want to

All I did was park in a handicapped space without a permit. This was the

sign they had left.

Put along hoagie, $6 .99 with your choice of chips and drink.

Let's do this meatball hoagie deal another day. I think we're getting lost

the shuffle here.

That Judge Jammer's got a bee in his bonnet, that's for damn sure.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I'd like to peep me some women while they's trying on glaziers at the

Well, hell, Granny, I told you I had video of it. Well, you prattled on about

so much, I figured I'd give it a whirl.

I hate to say it, but something's got to be done about Judge Jammer. If he's

going to shame us, we're going to have to shame him.

I've always heard that a good way to get a judge out of office is to catch him

in bed with a dead woman or a live boy.

Y 'all work it out amongst yourselves.

The hell are you doing, little boy?

Come on, Granny. You've lived such a long and rich life. And there's plenty

more left in the tank.

All you gotta do is lay down naked with the man for a few photos.

Maybe a little ass, please. The hell you say! The hell you say!

When I said shame, really, I was thinking more likely. Just get a hold of

tax records or something.

Maybe get his high school yearbook photo and put it up on a big old billboard.

Well, sounds like somebody's hasted out a compromise.

Great! Okay!

I knew it!

That's my little bitch.

All right.

Disrobe yourself.

Now, we're going to sneak up in his bedroom, and you get in close to him.

your arms around him. We're going to snap a few shots, and we out.

Maybe a little ass play. Damn it, I know.

I know.

Hold on.

Damn, Daddy. Stop bitching and open the door.

I ain't going through no damn plate glass.

What the hell?

Hold on. Settle us down.

Who dares enter the sacred realm of the Naked Tickle Party slash potluck

fundraiser for cystic fibrosis?

Show thyself!

I didn't say nothing. It's just me, Judge Jammer. Oh, no. There's no Judge

Jammer here.

He's moved.

He's renting this place out for this, uh...

I'm an unfit lawman, though, remember?

It's just meatless.

All right. Okay. All right, guys.

There's got to be a way that we can work this out, huh?

All rise for the Honorable Judge Douglas Peppers.

Welcome back, Doug.

Who's Doug?

That's you.

Doug, my man. Welcome back, hoss.

Doug, welcome back.

Let me just flip this nameplate around for you. Thank you, Doug.

What song is this?

You could probably just go home, Earl.

Now the drum solo.