Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God calls me to his kingdom.

I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go. Let us go.

I'm not going to drive that thing. Come on. Touch the tram.

I sure appreciate y 'all displaying my...

Election signs, Granny.

Hell, those are all of my election signs up there, aren't they? Well, we're

happy to help.

Roxy, make sure to cover that skyline.

It's getting an assload of rain off through there.

Well, I was going to put some up in town, but I guess folks could come by

No one set foot on this land.

Oh, okay. I could just walk around town and spread the word verbally.

Either way, though, I've got a campaign.

Two years ago, I just barely beat out the writing candidate.

Sheriff gobbles his own farts. Can you imagine where we'd be if he'd won?

Rusty, start up the north wall of the details department.

A lot of wind gets through that peephole.

Fairly tough.

I guess you're sort of tough.

Sort of. No, no, fairly in the sense that I am tough, but I do it fairly.

Fairly tough.

Not fairly in the sense of kinda or somewhat.

That would be the exact opposite of the message I'm trying to do here.

You call these things doorknob flyers? Ain't you got some of that thick card

stock like the Denny ones? Denny ones?

Yeah, these sheriff ones are too flippy floppy. Just like your stance on crime,

according to Denny.

What the heck?

Pardon my French, Granny.

What the heck?

Pardon my French, Denny. But this is my career.

I'm going to make a change.

I'm going to make a change?

Implying that what's going on right now needs to be changed? That I'm not doing

a good job?

Why'd you have to advertise to the whole world that you think I suck a barrel

of... Hello?

Hello, this is Denny. Hey, buddy, what are you... Tired of the fat -bloated,

flippy -floppy policies of our current fat -bloated, flippy -floppy sheriff?

Wait. On election day, vote Denny for sheriff.

With your help, I'm going to make a change.

How are you doing that?

Robocall, our research showed that this office had some undecideds. Well, I

ain't undecided. I'm leaning pretty heavily toward voting for me. You can

your robot army, because I got flesh and blood friends in this town. Hello?

Hello, this is the Reverend. Oh, hey, Reverend.

Your ears must be burning. Reminding you to vote for Denny this November.

This county has become Satan's playground under the current sheriff.

Vote if...

All right, Reverend. I appreciate your support.

Thank you for calling.

Real person there, didn't he?

I'm Denny. I've lived in this town all my life. Like you, I see what the

flippy -sloppy administration has done to our county.

Cozy enough to cram in on time.

Good night, little buddy.

This jail is a revolving door for repeat offenders.

That's this, Early.

See you later.

I built this by myself.

Denny, you getting all this? Not to mention all the lavish scramble parties

the taxpayer dime.

Are we sure Diddy Wibble is a word? There's a word.

That's two words, Early. So vote Denny for sheriff, because I'm going to make a

change. It's had people vote by Denny for sheriff.

Damn. Now what the hell am I going to do?

Throw the bombs out. But, Early, I'm the bomb. Throw the bombs out.

It's time to make a change.

Hell, you're all flippy -floppy on crime.

But, Early, you're the crime I'm flippy -floppy on.

Then you're going to make a change.

I don't want no more diet sodas. I'm going to vote for a man that I'd like to

have a beer with.

Well, now you've had nine beers, three dozen queens, and a lap dance.

You think I can count on your vote this November?

Now I want to vote for a man that I'd like to have pay for me and my big

right here to spend about...

20 minutes in the campaign room.

Right now.

Yeah. Okay, but I can't do this for everybody.

Some voters don't like Big Breast.

You want to beat that runt Danny in this here election, you just take my advice

and crush his ass.

Crush him? Like with dirty tricks?

Crush him like with a car crusher.

Dress up a car crusher like a car wash that says free car wash.

Then you tell Danny, look here, I want you to go down to the car crusher, only

he thinks it's a car wash.

Then car crush Danny with a car crusher.

Never mind.

Night -night early.

Remember what I said about crushing him with a car crusher.

Hey, Boyd, you think I can ask for your vote this November?

Well, I don't know.

Danny is promising to make a change in all these kinds of robberies they got

to...

Is that early? Well, who the hell else would it be? Oh, he don't mean no harm.

Stop calling here while I'm working. Put me back on with Boyd, please.

Slap it off, Chatty Cathy.

Hey, Boyd, you're not too shot to vote, are you? I want to talk to Denny.

This here is one of them robocalls.

The sheriff is busy now, crime -solving a drug ring. Wait a minute.

Please vote Sheriff this November.

This is Robot hanging up now.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Oh,

damn it.

No job here, guys.

It's not going to be a real car wash.

Hey, guys, get out of there. Get out of the way.

Who am I kidding? I ain't got what it takes to do this.

Damn right you don't. Your appeal to the Latinas is soft.

Soft? But these guys can't vote. They're illegal.

Who's being naive?

Denny's vulnerable with undecideds. And I happen to know that there's one thing

worse than the Antichrist in the red state.

What's that?

Rodrigo Marcarpronto.

He's no longer Denny.

He's Denny, the Democrat.

Dios mio.

Granny, I can't go that negative. I won't do it.

Oh, well. Maybe they were right. You are fat, bloated.

Flippy floppy. Enjoy working in the private sector.

Right between Rodrigo and mustache Rodrigo.

Fine. Let's do it.

This is a lie.

There ain't no tax and spend Democrats. Step aside, please, sir. We've got some

Americans here who want to exercise their God -given rights.

You are Trent, comma, Travis.

You are Swayze, comma, Patrick.

You're Rock, comma, Kid.

You're Rock, comma, The.

You're Rock, comma, that movie, The Rock.

I'm voting to make a change.

Oh, a dentist supporter.

Okay. Well, you just put your little idea in this slide, okay, honey?

Wait, is that... That's a sweater, isn't it? Sorry, poles are closed now. Hola,

bienvenidos, amigos.

Do you even work here?

I sure hope.

This is worth one vote.

Yeah, we gonna make a change together.

You that little make a change midget, right?

No, I'm the other one. I'm the one that's fairly tough.

Whatever.

Oh, go back.

I forgot my ID.

All right.

Come on up!

Everybody say hey.

Oh, God.

Early, these are dead bodies.

Yeah, our ground game is strong.

Underground, you know what I mean?

They only needed the names, not the bodies.

So I can keep all the jewelries I done got. Look at here now. Free neck

dressings.

I hate that we've got to share election headquarters with Denny. And they got

the booth next to the jukebox, too.

Like I don't like music.

Hey, Sheriff, look at me and my big fat tie.

I'm a businessman, hell yeah.

I'm a businessman, too.

Hell, you ain't never conducted no business with no damn ones that know how

run no business. I'm the businessman in this family, and don't you know how you

don't never know how to build no damn business with no business?

Now I'm twice the businessman you'll ever be. Hey, uh, what's Mr. Halen doing

over there sitting with Denny? And this is the way the horsey rides.

Okay, hop down, cowboy.

Attention, everyone. We have the results.

Please join me in congratulating the sheriff, Denny!

I'm going to make a change.

You should have crushed him in the car, Crusher, when you had the chance.

What about all them dead folks who voted for sheriff? Yeah, I voted for sheriff

seven times myself.

Are you saying that this election was a sham and that I arbitrarily chose Denny

as sheriff because he's easier for me to control?

How dare you level such an absurd accusation in front of the local

community? Yeah, the business community is not happy. I demand a recount.

Fine. As dictated in the county charter, we will settle this with... the

paper carnation.

My mother and your mother were hanging out clothes. My mother punched your

mother right in the nose.

What color was her...

Blood.

Red, obviously.

R -E -D is the color, and the new sheriff is still Denny.

I'm gonna make a change.

Goddammit, that should have gone to blue.

Yep, I done told that fat -ass bald loser that he was gonna make a change.

Hey, how about topping me off on my third diet soda pop?

Deputy? So this is the big change, Denny?

Diet soda to soda zero.

Don't forget that sliding glass door.

That door's a change, too.

Ready to wait, boys.

Florbs. Triple letter score on that Z.

Florbs, come on, man. Oh, I'm looking that one up.

Both of y 'all go look it up.

Come on out, bitches!