Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

I pray every day that my earth would just explode.

Now when the good Lord comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all his

heartache, some bitches down when I go.

Just let it go.

Blow it all to hell.

Well, well, well.

What do we got here?

New debelishment going up next door.

Somebody's building some high -quality homes, that's for sure.

City slickers coming in here, pumping cash into our depressed local economy.

No, sir. Not on my back, 40.

But you sold them their land, didn't you? But the location sucks a damn egg.

Ooh, they asses. I sold them out the nicest spot overlooking that waterfall.

Yeah, you can't raise no chickens over there. It's too damn purdy. This here is

where the chickens is.

So no chicken crap over there? That's right. They don't get the chicken crap

over there. We got the damn chicken crap all over here.

Yeah.

Let's move over there.

Yeah, move away from the chicken crap.

Enjoying the free game, huh?

I tell you what, with all those arms, you're not going to miss a button.

Nice to meet you. I'm Staff Sergeant Shaver.

That's one of them hands near my butt. I'm about to get high score on this old

boy. Oh, yeah.

You really opened up a can on those seahorses. Now, why aren't you blasting

insurgent Blueberry? He's right there on his knees. Come on, pop it. He's

observing this holy season of ram -a -lam -a -ding -donging.

He's praying to a broccoli lord. Oh, hell, he does that five times a day.

some laser -guided cake frosting up his ass. Then he'll be able to meet his

pagan, non -Christian, false idol of a broccoli lord.

That just don't feel right. Son, how would you feel if you let him live and

hijacks a butterfly and slams it into the side of the gingerbread center? And

the next thing you know, all your peppermint fairies are wearing scarves

their faces. Or God forbid, he should sneak into Glitter Junction and detonate

peanut butter brickle cluster.

All right, then.

There you go, soldier. High score.

Mission accomplished.

Well, thanks for the game. I'm going to go out in the parking lot and see if

somebody will run over my foot and give me some food money. Now, hold on, son.

How would you like a career out of playing video games?

Plus, you could earn money for school, travel, see the world. Well, the dusty

part of it.

Everything over there looks like a big motocross track.

That sounds pretty badass. Well, you just sign your name right here and we'll

hook you up with a free haircut and some jewelry.

Wait a minute. I've got to say, Buck, wow.

Y 'all gonna let me keep the business up front and party in the back? The U .S.

Army is dedicated to find the right haircut for you.

Gated community, huh?

Guess they think they're better than us. They ain't gonna keep me out. Just look

who moved into town.

And I don't keep my yard grass as damn tall as I please.

And I may play around the golf without signing up for a tee time.

I wear slutty clothes at the bus stop. Oh, I may be old, but I can still wreck

marriage. Here's where we're going to live, right here. We're going to put a

in the ground and some beer. On ice and all my horny pals are.

It's kind of a clunky nickname. We couldn't fit it all on the helmet.

I got to wear a helmet?

No, that's just for show.

You're miles from the combat zone. Hey, man, these are just like the controls

from the video game.

Weird, huh?

Well, let's see if it works just like the game.

Now, don't twerk or facebox about this now. I'm told your generation likes to,

you know, do some crap with your phones. I don't know. Hey, man, can I mash me

up some explody buttons now? You bet, soldier.

All right, now, which one of these buildings should I tear the ass out of?

Damn it. No plumbing, no electrical, no roofs, no walls.

Ain't no wonder they ain't got no buyers.

Shoddy -ass construction.

Frankly, I don't like the layout.

Where's the privacy?

They slapping up low -income housing right next door to our lower -income

But wouldn't that... Jack up our property value.

Damn fine, though. I ain't no master magician.

Neighborhood don't make no damn sense to me. I mean, you've got to have a

package store here and here and here.

And there needs to be a striptease club open on Sundays. That's right. So let's

all get out and vote yes on Prop 16. You know you can't put a titty house right

next to a school.

That ain't no school. That's a terrorist training camp.

That's different. Well, it's still a trade school. They are learning the

Wait, what the hell's a terrorist training camp doing in my town?

We got to drive them sumbitches out.

Vote yes on Prop 27B.

Certainly aren't a lot of shopping options, though. Everywhere you look,

a target.

Space alien attack!

This cannot be good for property values.

We're being disorientated!

Quick, Randy! Inside the uranium enrichment facility, there's a hospital!

Damn alien space teenagers.

Nothing better to do than to blow our asses off.

Grab your human shield, woman.

Double shield.

Woo, hell yeah.

I laid me a stone cold whooping on that daycare facility.

Nice job, soldier.

Go ahead and lay waste to the playground.

Wait a minute.

Something's moving down there.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. Keep shooting to earn more gold coins.

What the hell?

We lost the feed.

The drone's down.

Maybe somebody just unplugged the game. This is not a game, soldier, even though

it's been carefully designed to look like one. Don't you understand? If this

were to happen over Afghanistan, the insurgents would put their brightest

engineers on figuring out our technology.

I said, what planet are you from?

You best talk to me, robot. I have ways to make him talk.

I ask him questions.

And then he'll answer with words.

And then you corner him in the damn kitchen and start prattling about your

foot problems. But they don't make proper shoes for winning with my foot.

don't want to know, and neither do I.

Get to water. We're going to waterboard his ass.

Sweet or unsweet?

Bitch, you brought tea.

Look, there's another one coming.

Well, well, now. If it's a fight they want, it's a fight they shall get.

Early dollars!

I regret that you're home.

Back in the woods 40 miles from the city. Ain't nobody up here but us squid

billies.

We got no money and we ain't good looking. But we sure know how to give a

healthy ass whooping.

Tangle with us and we'll make you pay.

Mountain folk will find a way.

We always gonna find a way.

and we don't give up as long as the moonshine fills my cup.

Let's roll by my side and take my gun. We're gonna make the marathon and make a

canyon run.

You can knock a weapon out of two -faced and hey, mountain folk will find a way.

We never don't find a way.

I'm supposed to find a way.

Damn it, son.

You're losing all our drones. I thought you said you could play this game. Man,

I swear there's something down there attacking us. I'm doing everything just

like in the game. Switch over to thermal imaging.

There, right there. Attack.

Oh, hell with you.

What are you doing to me? I need to amputate.

Create a diversion.

Now you get on up there in that clearing and do some of that square dancing you

love so damn much.

But that's where they're shooting.

Well, that's where I'm shooting.

Granny?

The terrorist. There he is. Actually, it's a she.

But I can see where you'd make that mistake, though. She ain't always had

beard. I don't give a damn whatever it is down there. You light it up.

He's bluffing.

Very weirdly.

No, sir, it ain't no bluff. He believes it.

Well, he's still a moron. He taped a bottle rocket and remote control to her.

Bring it on, you son of a Martian bitch!

I'm your huckleberry, walking in the valley of the shadow of the dolls.

Beyond the valley of the shadow of the dolls. Okay, now he's butchering lines

from Tombstone. It's a damn gun movie with a Bible valley in it. Just

him, son.

But they're my kin.

I can't do that. Do you want money for college or not? Take them out!

I'm a countryman, dude. They bossed a bluff.

What bluff now?

Well, you can't win them all. Right, Sergeant?

Now, where do I go to get my college money?

Pakistan. We ain't supposed to be over there. We're not over there, but you

be.

Well, I quit.

That's how my daddy do it when he don't like what he's hearing. That ain't how

the Army works, son.

Now, go pack your gear. You ship out in an hour.

Daddy, Daddy, how long I got to stay in this wall of mud?

How long you sign up for?

Three years. Three years then.

Shut up, mud.

You stay in that wall now. I'm going to go see if there's any meat left.

Mountain folk will find a way.

We always going to find a way.

We never back down and we don't give up so long as the moonshine fills my cup.

If the old farmer tries to take my gun, we don't need a marathon to make a

canyon run.