Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried Sometimes

I wish the sun would just explode When God calls us

back to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of bitches when I

go

I did not hike over 1 ,800 vertical feet inside the Earth's anus for this dick

and dream.

Urbanites invade these mountains to watch trees rot and pick apples like

migrants. And yet we can't lure them into my godforsaken hole.

Maybe we're not doing enough on the marketing front. You have an issue with

street theme?

Spider dude, I'm pretty sure you ain't supposed to have a tip jar out here. Who

in the hell's going to listen to you?

I'm rotating counterclockwise like a damn fool.

Amateur eyes. Hey, car, car.

Visit the hole in the ground. The gratuity is accepted.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing now?

Our guitar?

That's my signature move.

Well, this is a bass.

It's different.

So how do you propose we out Chattanooga, Chattanooga for the

trash dollar?

Well, maybe we ought to spruce up the names of these rock formations a little

bit. Oh, so your issue is with the crown jewel of the granite caverns, the

majestic Lester's penis?

You really want a third -grade field trip standing next to a limestone hard

It is a family -friendly tribute to the loins of Georgia's most beloved

segregationist, Lester Maddock.

People put him too much on a pedestal. This humanizes him.

Lester's penis? The nomenclature stands!

Look, my point is, we're standing inside the fifth wonder of the world. We need

to get out of the way or let Mother Nature be the star. You're right, we

gimmick. What's that there, behind you, on the wall?

Them boogers? No, not the boogers. Next to the boogers, they appear to be

ancient cave drawings.

No, no, that was just me.

It's just sidewalk chalk, though. Them Lester's Phoenix chalk sticks we sell in

the gift shop.

Don't you see? These are primitive glyphs from an ancient race far beyond

You heard me say I drew these back.

Millions of years ago?

I wasn't alive back then. Well, then, how could you have done it?

Come on, now. Are you actually trying to say that these things... ...were drawn

by an ancient alien race who may someday return to drum up tourist interest?

That is a mind -boggling discovery that could shape the very financial future of

this entire guano -cake -to -death trap.

Hey, Spider -Dude.

Ain't you supposed to be twirling down by the off -ramp? Huh, that noise. He

ain't gonna check.

Now switch on the picture box.

I done thought enough for today. I need to know what to fight tomorrow.

Speak to me, Hannity. The advertisement claims that the drawings unlock the

mysteries to all life on Earth. Yeah, okay. Unlock the mysteries to that funny

car challenge on 2. Wait a minute.

Ain't that where you work?

But upon closer inspection, the findings are not so much remarkable as

ridiculous. One drawing depicts a werewolf riding a winged dinosaur, while

scantily clad woman blasts them with what appear to be laser breasts.

Just like in the Bible.

Shh! It's a missing link.

This one shows an alien placing a crown on the head of a cephalopod.

A cephalopod? That looks like me.

That's me.

Hell, that's me.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying... That's right. According to them rocks on the TV news,

are coming back to crown me Space King.

Yeah! No, I thought you were going to say something different.

Some in the community question the authenticity of the drawings. Dino what?

What's next?

We'll be teaching science in school?

But the proprietor of the caverns seems to believe his new discovery could

provide a boon to the local tax base.

Come to Granite Caverns. Remember the name Granite Caverns. Number one in

fun. Look for the sign -spinning spider dude.

But please do not offer him any gratuity. Just park out in the lottery

and under no circumstances respond to any of his actual advances.

Where the hell is he? Suck on that, boss man.

I'm spinning from home today.

Hot diggity damn, boy. Did you hear the news? Your daddy's a spider dude.

I'm sorry, but the truth must come out. I'm talking about them cave scratchers

saying that I is gonna be the damn space king.

There's something I gotta tell y 'all about them drawings. Oh, we've seen

They's real drawings. Yeah, they are real drawings, but... We've seen them on

the TV news.

I ain't gonna waste nobody's time with mess like that. That ain't true.

Believe everything you see and read.

Granny, that wasn't real news. Oh, I got some news.

For that boss of yours, you tell old Halen to go sit and spend on the pure

-express. I ain't a job that ain't no more word of patience for him.

Because space alien's about to come down and make me the king.

Hell yeah, baby!

Space king!

Yeah, that's right, right. You're King Squid from the drawing.

Spinning inside defeats the purpose. But I'm saying the people at the bulk

center and the bulk.

The people already paid. They're inside. Get back out to the drainage ditch and

spin. Oh, it's so much cooler in here.

And tell Uncle Sam to lay off the air base. It's driving people away.

Oh, my God, I'm still getting a tattoo of that.

Check it out. I got the last youth extra small.

Oh, my God, that shit's totally wrong.

Tell her it's ridiculous.

Perfect. Now, now, please, gentlemen, we don't allow close -up photography.

Dude, we're shooting a documentary on this with our phones. Would you do an

interview? I thought I got a microphone.

Rusty, leave these young explorers who, on second thought, appear to be grown

men in their 30s to revel in the subterranean waters, okay?

Yeah, they're reveling, all right.

You know what ironic means, don't you? Yes, I'm familiar with the song, Rain on

Your Wedding Day. Of course, I get it.

No, it means they're making fun of us. What?

Because they know the drawings are fake. I am the squid king. Give me back my

crown, bitch. Keep doing it. Keep filming him. Keep filming him. Come on,

If word gets out that these drawings are fake, Chappanooga will have a field day

with this. Yeah, I think it's probably too late for that. No.

Kill them.

Kill them all.

Except the one with the wallet chain.

He seems pretty cool.

I can't murder nobody, Mr. Hanlon. They're people. If you ever want this

internship to turn into a paying job, then not one pair of skinny jeans must

walk out of this cave alive.

Where doth ye lie, the dipping mustard? Hey, Danny, I need your help with

something. Hold thy tongue, minion.

Proceed. Well, Mr.

Hanlon don't want the word to get out that the drawings are... Well, the

drawings are... The drawings are what?

The drawings are less than authentic.

What the hell does that word mean?

Authentic? Speak, minion!

All right. Wait, hold on.

All right, now. Go ahead.

Mr. Halen has ordered me to kill everybody in this place. Okay.

Wait, that ain't enough!

I am the king of space, and I done mastered all your Earth weapons as well.

You, wearing that T -shirt from the band that I like. You just pretending to

like them, or maybe you don't like them, and you making fun of me for liking

them. I like them. They good as hell. I seen them. And they still good, too.

Cool. This is a band?

And wearing that baby coat, even though you ain't got no baby in it.

Invisible baby.

Get it? Check it out, man. I got the stroller and everything.

You're next.

Oh, my God.

It's that fake boulder.

Watch this. I'm going to let it hit me.

Fake blood.

It's hysterical.

Dude, dude, look at me. You're going to be fine. As soon as I get a signal, it's

going to go on Tumblr.

Let's do this.

I come up and sit down.

Don't worry, son.

Them aliens will come along and rescue us. Daddy, there ain't no aliens.

Yeah, there is. According to the drawings, there was.

Aliens didn't draw this.

Of course they didn't, son.

Ancient cavemans would connections to aliens at the one fight, don't it? No,

Daddy. I did the drawings.

You've got connections to space aliens from space?

No, Daddy, there ain't no aliens.

See?

Oh, okay.

I understand.

You jealous as hell because you're trying to take away my damn achievements

I done achieved myself and working hard as hell for it. It won't just hand it to

me. I am the damn Space King.

Look, I just put glitz and red hair on it. Does that mean I'm Space King now?

Oh, we're going to die in here, ain't we?

Fill that cave in your belly with wine.

Who's getting smaller?

Or am I getting bigger?

Is this the best we can do?

Over there was the best you could do.

I can't believe you guys thought these were my real legs.

Look, the drawing is very explicit. It shows us crowning.

You don't think it's weird that we're picking Space King based on some stupid

cave drawing from that dumbass planet over there? It was on television.

Television does not waste people's time with something that isn't true.

Congratulations. You are our new Space King, ma 'am. Yay!

Finally, a woman in office.

Wait, he's a woman?

N -14.

Bingo month?

I'm sorry, this is ludicrous. Is it ludicrous? Or has she created over 12

million jobs in her first term? You're not jobs, Gleam. Clorf, you know we

discuss politics.

Is there even a J in bingo? She's our king. Don't question the way she plays

game.