Original subtitles

My dreams,

all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

Wait! Don't you think I'm going to escape?

No!

I'll take...

God rest your soul, Cock Johnson.

But once you hit that wall in Pocono, ain't enough headache powder in this

to put your brain back together.

Excuse me, Earl. My gout's acting up. You keep your ass on the floor. That was

moment of respect.

This here is still a robbery.

Stop what you're doing right now.

Guess who's getting married.

I can't believe it.

Somebody's finally tamed this old rowdy beast. That's wonderful news. Yeah, I'm

off the market now.

There she is out there on the hog.

God almighty, she's hotter than the handle on the gates to hell.

How'd you meet her? You dope her up with a rag?

Well, we just kind of hit it off. I'd like to hit it off with them boobies. I

know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I know what you're saying, Earl. Mammaries.

You know them glands that secretes the milk?

Mammals got them.

They secrete stuff?

Yep. Once she spits out a couple of young 'uns, and you don't want no

with her no more, you tire of her quickly. Well, we're not going to try

children right away.

Not until next week, after our special day, you know. On that note, Boyd, I

would like the rubber, please.

Well, I'm sorry, Sheriff. We'll plumb out of those. I actually had the last

stolen from me just this morning.

Well, give me a holler when the new shipment arrives.

I've waited 45 years. I guess I'll wait another few days.

Why do you think he took that helmet off if he was just going to put it right

back on? Get in the corner!

Marriage isn't all wine and roses.

Lord knows Charlene and I have had our bumps in the road.

But as long as you go into the marriage with the understanding that the woman

belongs to the man and is to do his bidding, obey his commands, and harbor

ambitions of her own.

Sheriff, is she allowed to have a phone?

Arena, honey, you're kind of chewing up my battery there.

So tell me, Irina, how did you meet this young buck over here?

Funny story, actually. She was driving an out -of -control bus that had a bomb

on board. Some maniac had put it on there, and if she went under 55... I

we've all seen the movie Speed. But I'm kind of anxious to hear the story from

Irina's surgically enhanced lips.

I request surgeon.

Here, surgeon. Honey, could you take another one of your frequent smoke

outside for a minute? This 3BS is crap.

I want forest light or marriage is off.

Hit this phone.

Well, I've certainly got some fodder for the senior spaghetti social this

Sunday. Look, Reverend, we're adults.

We know what we're getting into.

I can't in good conscience preside over such a union, knowing that our youth

center, the Teen Chill Zone, is without neon signage.

All right, fine.

But this needs to happen on Sunday. Sunday? Oh, that's a busy day for us.

all the extra people, we may need a new flat screen to play to the back row, you

know.

Fine. But you have to keep quiet about this Russian cruise thing. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. I can tell you both are very much in love.

Here we are.

Welcome to your new home.

This is small house for surgeons.

Well, we can move Mama's iron lung out of the living room and put her down in

the crawl space.

Oh, no, please don't. She needs to be more independent anyway.

Hey, I got something special I want to show you out back, all right?

Surprise!

Surprise on me. Where is Paul?

You have other house? No, look, honey.

Potatoes. I planted them just for you.

Didn't you tell me you used to raise potatoes or something?

I slaved in potato field from age four, hands bleeding, so Papa could make vodka

in bathtub.

Then KGB shoot Papa dead in front of family.

So, yeah, this is something fun we can do together.

Y 'all raised goats too there, didn't you?

Well, just take a peek over there. Who's looking around the corner?

Drain the blood, so meat not spoil.

Honey, I gotta head into town to scrub up for surgery.

Thank God it's still got the tag on it.

What in the hell are you doing here? You ought to be back at your house with

that little gal of yours, making the beast with two backs.

I guess I got some pre -wedding jitters early.

Marriage is hard work, Sheriff.

And you know my record with work.

I do not do it. How'd you and Crystal make it through all them tough times?

Listen, there's gonna be times when she calls you a green -ass runt that ain't

no bigger than a damn booger. And when that happens, you just got to whip off

your belt and show her the snapping sound it makes.

It's just not like it was back in the beginning on Tuesday.

I felt her really got a good look into her soul during that speed date. But

it's all different.

Well, she's too damn good looking for you.

Uh, thanks, Early. No, I mean, what if she's seeing you? If she's gold digging,

she's digging in the wrong damn place.

You're paunchy, you're bald, you can't do your job worth a damn.

See, I just stole your gun. Oh, damn it. What is that hot -ass bitch seeing you?

I just wish she'd look up from that damn phone and look me in the eye so I can

see if our love's still real.

I can find out.

Hell, it's just like trapping possums. But you've got to set bait, and that

had better be leafy and green.

Hey, honey, sweetheart, did you get a chance to listen to the band demos for

reception? I think these guys on the railroad tracks look pretty cool. As you

know, I'm loaded, but we could save a little money getting this DJ I know.

I need to go to town for faster internet.

Well, hurry back. We got to pick out some cemetery plots.

I'm not letting you get away from me.

Not even in the cold grip of death.

All right, what'd you find out?

Well, she wasn't going into town for no fast internet. That's for damn sure.

See this fella right here?

She told me that guy was her brother.

She told me that, too. Oh, good.

Thank God it's her brother. Yeah, it is her brother. You know, they was in there

a long time.

He's probably talking about the wedding, you know. We'll just fast forward

through this.

All right, slow, slow, slow. All right, and here.

In a row, looking fine as wine.

Couple of tasty bitches at my side.

You brought girls with you? A million -hour playboy's got to look the part.

This year it's me offering to make love to her on the hood of the Bugatti with

these two other womans also.

Bugatti? It's a rental. Thank God, too, because it's at the bottom of the damn

ravine. That's something that's as hard as hell to handle. Early, that money was

from Flash only.

I was supposed to return it to the evidence room. You're missing the big

picture, Hoss. I offered to make love to her, and she turned me down flat.

You know why?

Because her heart lies with you.

Well, I guess that's one way of looking at this. That's right.

There they go again, talking about the wedding.

Yeah. Talking real loud about it, too, ain't they? Yep. Against the wall.

Repeatedly.

That's not your brother on top of you at all, is it?

Look, he's detective now.

I'm the man, and you're supposed to obey my commands.

This is over.

Present Mr.

and Mrs. Sheriff.

We're going to see a counselor after the honeymoon.

She's committed to make it work.

Here's me cutting the cake.

Here's me dancing with Mama.

And here's Irina riding off on my motorcycle with the guy that she said

brother. And here's Eve.

Telling everybody to stop throwing rice at me.

Oh, man, you're looking kind of puffy in that one. That's because I'm allergic

to rice.

I told Irina I wanted bubbles.

That's the one damn thing I asked her to handle.

And here's the honeymoon.

Oh, Jeff, you ain't got to go through all this again.

Are you sure you don't want to see me playing mini -golf all by myself? Or

having the divorce papers served on me at Ruby Falls?

That's a good 'un of me trying to drown myself in the hot tub, ain't it? Well,

now, you still got your house, ain't you? I mean, she let you buy her out of

right? Yeah, but I could never go back there.

Well, why won't you? It's your home.

You should go there now.

Oh, it's not home. It's just a house full of memories.

I think I'll just stay here with y 'all.

Family meeting on the porch.

Not you.

I'm gonna smoke his ass the hell out of there. There's no way to treat him after

all he's done for us over the years. We need to help him move on with his life.

Give him the closure he so desperately needs.

I want to thank y 'all for your hospitality and patience.

I know I hadn't been myself lately.

Oh, that's okay, Sheriff.

I know breakups are hard. I've been through one recently myself. What is

Honey? Right so. You know, we're here for you, Sheriff.

But sometimes the little baby bird can't fly unless it's pushed out of the nest,

you know.

Heads up.

All right.

Oh, my God, help me now. All right, there. Fly, little baby, fly.

Headlocker. Woo!

I got my man cave back.

Thank you. Yes