Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God comes and calls me to his kingdom,

I take all these sons of bitches when I go.

the old sweet guns, really.

Ah, them pigs can't do jack squat to you. Hell, you a minor.

Plus, you know, you was drunk, now. But I ain't been drinking.

There you go. That ought to sell it. Wait, Daddy, I don't want to go to jail.

You think I do?

Come on, now. Don't you love me?

Rusty, Rusty, Rusty.

Again, son?

This must be the third time I pulled you over this week.

Boys will be boys, right?

What have you got to say for yourself?

You're a miner.

I'm a miner. Y 'all pigs can't do jack squat to me. I'm a miner. You heard him.

He's a miner. We ain't harming nobody.

Well, y 'all damn near took out the old sweetgum tree. This is a historical

landmark. General Robert E. Lee pressed his bubblegum into this majestic oak

right after he signed the Treaty of Appomattox.

The unknown soldier carved his name on this tree before he was buried under it.

See? Rick sucks.

Y 'all cause any harm to this tree, and the whole damn town's gonna be up in

arms. That's a good thing nobody was hurt.

Well, we'll see.

Hold on now. I'm actually pulling y 'all over because of this ATM machine

attached to your bumper back here. Oh, it's hot. It's gotten so hot.

Well, that door come with a truck. You know, part of the sport package.

Nice try early, but no, it didn't.

It's deliberately chained to your bumper.

Rusty, you took an ATM whilst I was asleep in the back seat? No, I didn't do

that, Daddy. He done it. I witnessed the whole thing.

Well, you just said you was asleep in the back seat.

I'm changing my story.

Daddy, you ain't got to do this. Why, Rusty? Why?

After all I've done to you.

Got him, didn't he?

Y 'all remember now, you can't do just what to me, right? Because I'm a minor?

You keep saying that, but the boys from Atlanta may want to try using a dog.

It'll work out.

Take care now.

I'll see you soon.

And seven, with the good behavior, maybe.

Hey, um, when do you think I'm going to get out of here? You're looking at some

hard time here, Rusty. Probably going to have to put some of them service

industry dreams on hold for a while.

Yeah, but Daddy's going to have a head full of hornets if I ain't home in time

to... What?

Take the rap for him again?

Get your ass on the floor.

I dare you, ma 'am. Huh?

He done it. I seen it. I can't believe my only son would do that.

Do what?

Go on, hobble his damn smart -ass mouth in.

I guess he finally got fed up with himself.

Then he assaulted himself.

Domestic violence is what I see.

I'm going to ask you one more time.

Who's been stealing all these ATMs, Rusty?

Um, I plead the fourth.

You plead the right for women to vote?

Well, I ain't against it.

Well, it's your right. I can't deny you. But we know who took these ATMs, Rusty.

It's just a matter of whether you're going to help us or not.

Damn, E -Sharp.

I told him I knew who did it, but I could get in trouble for lying.

Who do you think did it?

You said this was going to be easy to bust open.

This ain't a damn thing like the Salvation Army bucket.

Same basic principle.

Just smash the guy with the bell and you win the money.

Hello? Granny, it's me.

I'm in jail.

Again. No, no, take us off your list, thank you. Oh, Granny, I need y 'all to

come down and bail me out.

Granny? I just heard Rusty's in jail. Oh, I tried to be a role model.

Teach him how to be moral and responsible.

Walk the path of the Lord Almighty.

Where the hell...

credit union.

I crack that son of a bitch like an egg.

That's that monkey king machine.

Why do you think they had tigers on all the coins?

A tiger could be president.

Hell, you don't know. Put your back into it, you lazy good -for -nothing son of

a whore.

Wait a minute.

I just said that in case you ain't my son.

How about you swing this hammer, old -timer?

I've been at this son of a bitch all day.

Hand it to me, ma 'am. Show you how it's done.

It's the heat, Tar Fox!

Sheriff, you know you got your man.

What are you snooping around here for? Well, you seem awfully relaxed.

No wonder that your only son could be doing a long stretch in county lockup.

Rusty's in jail?

Oh, why, Rusty, why?

We tried to do right by him. Maybe it was our lack of commitment. Hell, I

know. Oh, we always had the right idea. It just never really felt like

following... Being a parent is boring. Save it, Early. We dusted the machine

prints. But all y 'all suckers just look the same.

Circles. All right, fine.

I admit it.

Rusty stole the ATMs. They ain't no use in covering for them. I can tell you

everything. That don't matter. He's already been tried in the media.

And they may be using a quote from me.

You mean the TV looky -box made you? Well, hell, why do you think I had my

done? You reckon they're going to need some B -roll of the family? They're

probably going to need some interviews with the people behind the monster.

Oh, story's done, Granny. They even give Rusty a nickname.

Kid Squid, the ATM bandit.

Well, what's up with all these tarps here? Interview's over.

His name is Russell Kyler, but the community is calling him Kid Squid.

This artist's sketch of the suspect.

Seems superfluous when there are all these mug shots of the suspect.

And this video. When we informed the sheriff that three more ATMs

had disappeared since the apprehension of Kid Squid, the sheriff had this to

say. I mean, my hair is kind of fine in some places, but I keep it long on the

side so I can kind of foof it over on the other side.

Nobody can tell.

Can you say it?

Is that...

Is that camera on? Reporting live from Dougal County, Doug Richards.

Stay tuned for the very latest on the story of Kids Quit.

You pretend to sacrifice so much for your kids. I forced him to take the

for my badass crimes, and then he turns around and steals all the credit on the

damn TV lookity box.

No, sir. Hell no.

Ain't no way Rusty can claim this.

Hell, he's in jail. This is my crime.

Oh, I remember when she was only a little chaplain.

Back then, they tried to use it to lynch the Yankees, but it was too small, and

them bastards would just uproot it and run off.

Then it got burned through the ground there in the Battle of Atlanta, and then

was hit by the Japs there in Pearl Harbor.

But we keep rebuilding this tree, stronger than ever, because magical

elves live inside it. That's what I've been told. Yeah, well, we'll see.

Well, just see how much everybody loves the old sweet gum tree when it's dead.

Look what I done.

Early collar, baby!

Woo! Only a criminal mind could mastermind the poison that is treated

poison the way I done it, baby. Hell, yeah. Early collar, baby!

Outlaw early collar.

I can't even... Oh, yeah?

Well, you gonna go and tell your grand youngers about the...

I didn't get no kind of foot traffic today.

Couple of cars, maybe. The whole damn day was a wash.

Well, you got to give it time to build.

Maybe do a podcast.

Get your name out there. You know, like Rusty. Rusty, Rusty. Everybody loves the

damn Rusty. I hope his ass rots in jail.

Rusty's in jail?

Shut your dust hole, bitch. I got to listen to my sound machine.

That's right. Brock Bell here on cool AM 1680 The Heat. He's going to talk about

my tree.

Here it comes. Hit it.

Squid is really chapping my hide. What the? Talk about the tree.

So call in, tell me what you think about Kid Squid so I can offend you and cut

you off before you can make your point. I got a bunch of toilet flush and whip

crack audio files, so let's do this.

Oh, well, we got a bite here. Early in Dougal County, what's chapping your

friend? You talking about Kid Squid like he's some big damn deal. Well, he

ain't. I'm the one what stole them ATMs. Me.

All right, we got us a swagger jacker here. Swagger jacker.

Why don't you go ahead and... Tell me all about your fancy crimes.

Let me tell you what I've done this week. I go on down into Times Square and

poison the old sweet gum tree.

With poison? You do realize that General Lee pressed his gum into this tree

before he signed the Treaty of Appomattox? You think I care?

God give us trees so we can show how damn superior we are to them.

I'm gonna hang up and listen.

Early collar, baby!

Woo!

Finally, sweet ignition for my crimes.

There ain't a lot I can charge you with, Early.

Since the tree is still alive.

But leaves are falling all over the place. Pretty gallers and orange and

It's autumn early.

That happens every year.

Plus, you can't kill a tree by pouring light beer on it. Alcohol poisoning. I

mean, I was trying to binge it to death. You know, like them frat boys done.

Look, you're free to go. But if I was you, I'd hang in here through the

The weekend?

That's my chill -out time.

Rusty. You think you could take the heat for this? What are you talking about,

Daddy? I've been in jail all week.

Don't you love your poor old daddy?

Fine. I poisoned the tree, too. You heard him. He confessed.

Now go ahead and release me on my own renaissance.

Suit yourself.

Kill him!

Kill him! Kill him!

No low contendo.

Guess I'm gonna have to plead the fourth on this one.

Get the hell off of there.