Original subtitles

I love you. I

love

you.

I told you, Denny. She's Ukrainian.

We've been dating, sort of. Over -emailed, you know. Look, I just need to

her a picture. I just don't know why it's got to be of your trouser trooper.

Well, it's part of their culture in Ukraine.

You send a picture of your penis, and she shows it to her parents, and then

bless the marriage.

Oh, my goodness.

Three campers gone missing.

At the head of the app trail.

Oh, Lord, that's near earliest place.

This campsite may be where they camped.

Well, anyway, my pants are down, Denny. Go ahead and snap the photo.

One, two, three.

Oh, my Lord.

Well, maybe you shrunk on that one. It's cold out here. Give me just a minute.

Let me work with it. You better take a look at this, Sheriff.

Oh, hell.

Delete that, Denny. We gotta get out of here. Look at this.

I like two stab butts.

The emphasis is all wrong.

Are you saying that Aston Kutcher circa 2006 could have done this?

I'm not done.

You think it's Ronnie Dunn from Brooks and Dunn trying to throw us off the

trail? Or maybe it's Kix Brooks letting us know he's not Ronnie Dunn. He's his

own man now since they've split.

Well, I guess we'll never know. Hold up now.

Oh, right.

Work. I think I know someone who can help.

They say she talks to the dead.

And by they, I mean that billboard over there.

You now stand on the very spot of the great avalanche of

1872. This here off -brand...

The VR machine is all that remains of the gold prospector by the name of John

Tracking.

If you listen close, you can hear his ghostly cries.

But you will never see him because it was decided that the bedsheets weren't

working in the run -through. But I already cut the hole.

I told you, just fold it under.

give you no receipt when your shop left. Dammit, I said the bed sheets don't

work. Felt like a f***ing broken record. All right, I've seen enough.

This woman can talk to the dead.

Granny, I need you to look at this sweater and see if you get any vibes off

it.

It's a little last year, but still.

Little apple cider vinegar will take these bloodstains right out.

You reckon this was owned by one of them college campers what got their butts

cut off? He cut their butts off? Wait, what happened now? How do you know that?

We didn't release that information.

Educated guess.

It's what I'd do if I was a crazy killer last night.

Well, I reckon I'll just go on back to curing this here weird, mystified meat.

Early, would you mind telling us where you were last night?

Just on my own property, minding my own business.

No, you weren't here last night. I don't remember seeing you. Well, maybe you

ought not be remembering what talked about things with your mouth, what

not be talked about unless business ain't your business.

Business is closed for your mouth, or I'll close it forever.

Forever?

Forever, Early?

I didn't really mean, you know, forever.

I'm just going to shut her up for an extended period. You know, a real long

time. Not forever.

Don't you go too far now.

I want to try some of that jerky you got. Oh, she was scared.

She was scared, Sheriff.

I'm seeing through the eyes of the killer now.

Oh, I feel his hunger.

So, the killer stopped here. Yep.

The killer was at this boot.

Eating what you can eat delicious popcorn from.

He wanted more.

More garlic bread buoys. More bread buoys, waitress.

Just a crime scene. I'm not waiting 20 minutes for you to bring me my damn

cheese flake.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

You want to kill her down there?

I'm doing it.

Let's watch the black guy do it.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm seeing black, all right.

Oh, yeah.

I am seeing black.

All of it on black. $200.

He was very specific.

Granny, we can't stake you for $200.

Huh. Killer Jesus.

Getting fuzzy here.

Yeah, I'm losing them. All right.

$200 more chips, please. Woo! I feel like we're building a strong profile on

this guy. Hey, honey. He seems to behave like an elderly woman with a lot of

discretionary income.

Here's a five dollar tip for you.

Now bend over and get it.

Are you having a vision, Granny? Who did it?

Early? What about early?

Early in the morning is when the killer did it. It was a man morning.

Yeah. Right.

But there were sucker prints on the scene. Well, they had a tentacle, didn't

they? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

A very strange tentacle human man.

Are you seeing the name yet?

Uh -uh. The name was... Clank hard, bitch.

Uh, John... Long Island Ice Tea.

Looks like you got your man, Sheriff. Send out an APB on a John Long Island

Tea. He's got one tentacle. We're gonna get that son of a bitch before any more

butts get cut off.

Well, don't wait for me. I got a ticket to see the youngest Mandrell sister in

the magic zone.

Time to go!

Certainly things like that John Long Allen ass tease on a rampage, ain't he?

I said, ain't he?

You know, he might be done. I mean, people change.

That was probably just a one -time do.

One time we know of.

If he stops right now.

He won't get caught.

Oh, I think that John Long out of nice tea has done this many times before, and

probably will do it many times again.

Same as to me. He killed almost any damn raven.

I don't remember ever taking this way home.

I mean, if you're going to cut a stranger's butt off, just what would he

family member who turned on him?

We're really off the grid here, aren't we?

I'll tell you what.

I'd sleep with one eye open myself.

Who I if I had old lady vision.

Well, we home.

Off to work.

Have midnight.

That's right.

And don't you dare follow me, bitch.

Rusty.

Rusty, get out of here. Boo!

Shut up and take off that work uniform.

We gotta get.

I guess we're the Goldens now. Why don't you tack a Berg on the end of that?

He really steers clear of the Jew folk.

Here's your new ID, Shlomo. No way.

I'm 23?

Now you're old enough to buy beer.

For me and my teenage friends.

My name's Rick.

My stupid dad got stationed here. I'm hoping to make a splash at the local

preparatory school.

How long we gonna live like this, Granny?

Rick. I mean Rick.

No, Dirk.

Dirk. No, Rick. Hello!

You should just forget that life where you come from. We on the run now. You

never talk to your daddy or see him ever again.

Well, ain't that a damn shame?

How'd you find us?

I figured I'd just be friendly, you know.

Meet the new neighbors.

Oh, I knew we should have moved the county over.

I'm so damn cheap.

Yeah, I brought you a little housewarming present.

It's that knife I got off the TV what let you saw a damn metal can and two

gingerly sliced a tomato.

Or a butt, if that was your interest.

Granny, you was right. We broke the case. We looked through the white pages

found our butt cutter. He was using an alias.

Jonathan Long Island, I see.

Hey! Clever, but not clever enough.

I am a lawyer, and I will sue your entire back -ass county within an inch

your life. Take a number behind that gay guy who got all huffy about the

homosexual drinking fountain.

I tell you, you try to do something nice for the weird people.

Well, another case cracked by the dynamic duo.

Want a cold one?

Something just don't add up here. Oh, yeah, you think?

My name is Jonathan Long. You wrote Island Iced Tea on it in the phone book,

which, by the way, not a proper ID.

Yeah, well, we'll see if you change your tune after a few hours with Mr. Rubber

Hose.

Don't drink from that, though.

There's a case pending. Well, we never really accounted for this literature I

found for that competing ghost tour that was so butt -centric.

Go on.

Halen's Poltergeist Promenade. I found it stuck to a bag of severed human butts

with a sticky note that said frame on the counter and a fake tentacle covered

blood which somehow nacked the tentacle blood tracks exactly.

It fell out of Dan Halen's backpack while he was jogging at midnight last

and the tracksuit made a human butt along with all these drawings of butts.

Maybe we ought to pay this Mr. Halen a visit.

Early Kyler did it.

It's a nice suit.

Is that suit made out of human butts? Of course it is. Are we done here?

One more question. Thank you for your time, Mr.

Halen. Hold on now.

That guy's our boss.