Original subtitles

My dreams are all getting buried.

Last time on Squidbillies.

Well, that Tammy, she's the new woman of my life. You sure got you a party one.

Big old wide berth and hip. I can't be in this house no more. Oh, come on in

here, darling. You can stay with me.

Pregnant? Where is she?

Get your nasty hands off me. She run off to be with her mama.

Hey, Randy.

Uh -oh.

I'll kill you, bitch.

And now the thrilling conclusion.

Oh, I feel him kicking.

He's doing a little boot scoop boogie in there.

Yeah, he's loving this Baby Island Co.

This track's called F***ing in the Butt.

Do what?

I'm sorry, Rusty, but I don't think our unborn child needs to be exposed to

this. But the language center of his brain's growing.

If he don't learn the F word now, he'll fall behind his peer group and he may

never catch up.

Catch up to who, exactly?

You know, Granny, Lil, all his teachers gonna be dropping F -bombs. You don't

want him to get teased at homeschool, do you?

Oh, Rusty, we disagree on so much, and this baby ain't even born yet.

Well, don't go crazy or nothing, but I should tell you that, uh, that Daddy's

getting out of the cooler in a few days.

No! He sure would like to... No!

Oh, come on, honey, he just wants to see his grandbaby. No, no, no, no, no. We

ain't ever gonna stay safe with your daddy again, Rusty. Now, we've been over

this. Ah, here come the hormones.

This ain't hormones, Rusty. He shot me!

In broad daylight!

Aw, he's just throwing some wild oats before he's gotta settle down and be a

granddaddy. Rusty, honey, he carved a love note to me in the side of a live

German shepherd. Look, I know all that. But he's changed, though. He's a

different man.

He ain't touched a drink in eight months.

Best batch of the whole eight months.

Buttery high notes.

And I think I detect some pepper in the finish.

That's a real nice vintage if you can somehow block out where it came from.

a toilet, Sheriff.

Get over it.

Listen, Early, Rusty's come a long way in these eight months with this little

gal, and I just hate to see you run out of here and cause trouble for him. Yeah,

that's the mama of my grandbaby.

I'm completely done with that bitch.

She's holler inside.

Hell, she's like a damn chocolate Easter bunny with no nougat. No nougat! Well,

Super, sounds like you've moved on.

There's plenty of other fish in to see. That's right.

Glenn's wife is out there looking for it. No, not Glenn's wife. I'm talking

about, you know, single fish.

One's without restraining order. You know what? All them damn warmers can do

whatever the hell they want to.

And so can I. You hear me?

So can I. All right, big guy. You go out there and break some hearts.

Oh, there he is.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Yeah, well, where are the other four arms and legs?

Don't look like he's got them.

Usually people don't want those. Well, I do. I mean, I'm a squid.

And he's my son. Ain't he supposed to be like me?

Rusty, honey, I'm sure he'll have your... Your, um... Your...

He gonna get my rat tail?

Check this out. I got me a rat tail.

I'm sure he'll have some of your odds and ends.

Talk about more badass stuff. How badass I am. How badass he's gonna get from

me. Feel this muscle. Ba -bam!

Oh, Lord.

Halloween.

Okay, then. We've got two ultrasounds.

Are you counting the ones you just did on my face?

Because we didn't ask for that.

Well, maybe someone should have mentioned that before I did it. What am

mind reader?

I don't know if I am. Hold on. Maybe I am. Hold on.

Nope. Not a mind reader.

So that's three ultrasounds. Hang on. Stop.

Stop. How much if we just stop?

Everything right now. Let's call it $4 ,800 cash or vouchers. Well,

I was thinking maybe you got some work around here that needs doing. Maybe I

could trade you one of my hogs.

Not unless you have a hog worth $4 ,800.

Do you?

Let's get you home, and then we can start laying some of those golden eggs.

Rusty, you're lucky he's dumb. We're not going to be able to pay all our bills

with a haul.

You don't need to worry about all this. I got a career path all laid out.

Oh, good. You got that job at the Walmart Deli.

Actually, you know, I thought I'd train steel cage fighting for a few years.

Build up my core muscle.

Then we schedule a pay -per -view title fight and win, and then I'm rich. The

money's kick -ass, and I don't have to cut my rat tail off and sell out.

Baby, that sounds great. But just in case, don't you think we should have a

realistic backup plan?

You mean like recording a rap album and developing my brand?

Dropping dope beats while I'm slicing thin meat. Oh, damn, here's a Black

ham. I told you, prosciutto.

You calling for prosciutto?

That ain't no easy word for me to rhyme, yo.

Yeah, I'm gonna complain.

Have a great day at the Walmart, Wade. Deli department meet, Will.

Rusty? Oh!

I think it's time.

I think my water broke. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That woman in the breathing

class said it's time to go to the hospital now.

Stay there. I'm coming right over. You're going nowhere.

I want you stretching out this German potato salad with this sawdust.

Hide it in the mail.

Oh, man.

Something came up at work, honey. But, Rusty, I need some...

Hey, little gal.

What? Who's out there?

You're looking fine as wine.

Your milk come in yet?

Oh, yeah. That's right. I've been tracking you. Not even the FBI can find

Ghost recon.

Oh, oh, he's kicking.

Go on now, let me feel.

No, he doesn't kick me on the inner thigh.

Look, I want you to die in jail, but right now, I need a ride to the

Oh, stop!

I tried hard to make it work, the twink star.

If you believe the courts, I forced it.

My point is, you want me to drop you off at the hospital and get out of your

life forever? Yes, yes, yes, yes. We're good now.

Yep, that's what I want. Just say the word.

It's done.

Yes, that's what I want.

But if you want me there. No. Standing tall for you like a man. That's all

right. And I'll sign up for that. I still want the first thing. And I ain't

letting nothing get between us.

Not my son.

Not the baby you having with my son.

And not the laws of this great nation.

Oh, hell.

What the hell are you doing? The hospital is up there. Law says I can't

but in 200 yards of you.

But you know when you hear these tones in the distance.

I'm right there in your heart. And I'm definitely watching you from a distant

deer stand.

You know now, get to pushing to make me a granddaddy.

This is a beautiful moment that's going to change your life forever.

The government will give you $247 a month for each one in the litter.

And you know how much them city couples would fork over for just one?

If you tell them it's Chinese, they'll pay double.

I'll go get him.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll get him. Doctor!

Doctor! Damn.

Hang on.

Okay.

Commercial. So, what's going on? Hey, can I smoke this in here?

You can't smoke that at all. It's an epidural.

Can I snort it then?

That's a good question.

What is that?

Whoa, heads up. Okay.

I've never done this before.

Would you please pick my baby up?

Oh, look at that little thing.

Oh, and the kid.

We should get him a little earring in the ear. And put a do -rag on him with

little dollar signs.

I got some big ass there, too.

Okay. Breathe. Breathe now. Come on. You want some ice chips? Rusty, it's over.

I had the baby.

The only baby we're ever going to have together.

And you missed it.

What do you mean, only baby?

I was thinking we'd have two or three more.

Then start to fight and get married to try to salvage things.

No, Rusty. That's not how I'm going to live my life.

I want this baby to have his daddy around, but I can't have him growing up

you did.

I think for now... It's just going to be me and... Evander the real deal

Holyfield Collar?

Macho man Randy Collar.

Ain't the name we talked about, Tammy.

It's better.

Can I hold my little macho man?

Sure, go on. He's in the nursery.

Granny, I'm going to go see my boy.

If you would, keep an eye on my copayable.

Yeah, honey.

You go on and hold that sweet little baby of yours.

Hell, if it even is hell. There ain't no way that filthy chucky baby come from

Squidloin.

I won't have it in my home, I'll tell you that right now.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

He ain't got rusty's acne. He ain't got rusty's rat tail. I see you done got

your ear pierced. You all wild in there.

Hell, I ain't no coward, baby. Ain't you?

Ain't you? Well, it's obvious he just wants a piece of this thing. We gonna

raise some hell, you and me. Not on my watch. You're my son.

I'm your daddy. It ain't right for him not to be here for the birth of his boy.

You weren't there when Rusty was born.

Totally different.

I didn't give a damn.

What the?

Looks like you can't smoke this.