Original subtitles

My oldest son was born an albino.

My youngest one is covered up in hair.

The middle one says he's homosexual.

And the other seven are gone. I don't know where.

I just don't care.

Hi, sir.

Hey, let me drive that thing. Come on.

Cut the trim.

Hey, how you doing? What'll it be today?

Oh, I didn't realize this was full service.

Yes, sir.

Neat. The old -fashioned way. You know, the pump is on the... I see you

partial to super premium.

Yeah, 91 octane.

That's what I like.

Hey,

y 'all, look what I got granted for mama's day.

Hey, give me that so -crag you was carrying.

My wubby? Did I stutter? Uh, sir? Well, this blanket's been the only reliable

present since my... Give me that bag. No, no!

Uh,

sir?

Bam,

son!

Wubby ain't fooling around, is he?

Here you go, Granny.

Oh, a girl. Happy Mother's Day.

Well, you carry on about him a lot. You give all your money to him. And you call

out his name whenever I hear that loud buzzing at night.

Well, that's just my pager. I got pages.

Well, you sure as hell get a lot of extra text below the waist when you're

watching that Smokey and the Bandit 2.

I have needs.

And when are we going to get some damn walls in this house?

Here, let me hang that up for you. No.

I told you all about him.

I know, isn't he?

See, Rusty, this Jesus likes to talk to me. Not like that other Jesus.

I suspect he's always tuning me out.

And then he wanted me to buy an entire book of stamps.

I said, no, sir.

I was born at night, but not tomorrow night. One stamp, please. Just what I

asked for. And then I said, nice weather we're having.

And she ain't says nothing back to me.

So I called her a filthy whore that don't respect her elders. And then he

on to tell me, I can't be man in human feces. And I says, I ain't no human. And

what's it to you? You ain't getting it. And yes, I would like the insurance. But

the whole time, she's a damn smoke monster. And I found out I was talking

television set.

Yeah, I was pretty embarrassed and lonely that day. You know, being with

gossiping on people I hate fills my heart with heavenly joy.

I can't see you too good without my glasses, but I can feel you. Okay, I

bought myself a day with this.

Why did you even appear to her in the first place?

She snapped a hip. I thought it was over. You know they don't have bones,

I know that now.

You can cover yourself up in pounds of fat, but an Adam's apple is an Adam's

apple. Curse the alley is a dude.

Oh,

you're such a good dancer.

I'm glad you're doing my gift grand. Shut up!

Jealous of my Jesus, my?

Damn it, woman.

Shut it down.

All right, that's it. I'm not high enough for this BS.

Huh? Go kill your grandma.

No, Daddy. Go on now. Put her down.

It was me and my walker. So?

You're going in.

I guess I let Jiggle dance and done played hell with her old woman bow.

Daddy, what are you doing to my mama's back here?

Alterations. Woo!

That one got away from me before I even found a seat.

Did you miss me, Jesus?

Hell no, I didn't.

Jesus, you speak.

And I say this unto you, shut thine sloppy mouth hole. and lie thee down for

night. So take charge.

Bow down before me.

Yes, sir.

Sucker punch.

I got the power in me.

Hallelujah.

I did not tell thee to stop.

Okay.

Thou shalt and thou shalt. I'm a little uncomfortable.

That's my word and my word is the law.

The race is almost on. Back thee up right in here. Come on back. Whoa, right

there. Drop thy payload.

This is Will.

I ain't really done this before.

Jesus said shut up. Now plug him down, Mars.

All right.

Oh, Granny, what are you doing?

I don't know.

She is installifying a jacuzzi, as I have commanded.

You can't let her put electric wires in the koi pond.

I mean, she ain't licensed by the state or nothing, you know what I mean? I'm

licensed by the Lord.

Okay,

hop in.

I must make my leave and fetch it early.

This is my gift to him.

Y 'all have a good 'un now.

Mind your own business now.

Granny, just keep an eye out for those barren false witness, will you?

Well, this Jesus does seem to use the C word quite a lot.

Wait a minute. Where in the hell is Kenny Chesney?

I was promised Chesney. His publicist said he's on tour until the 14th.

You know what? I'm going to go tell Jesus. No, please don't tell. You're a

dumbass bitch for causing Jesus like that.

What is this? No Kenny Chesney? I keep calling his manager, but I only get the

voicemail. You ain't getting into Hogwarts when you die. No. Jesus just

it. Please.

Hey, Sheriff.

Maybe thou should go off and buy Jesus a pony keg. He loves him some beer and a

keg, praise him. Just give me that damn painting early. Uh -uh. I know you ain't

touching Jesus on the face here.

Daddy,

get up.

Hey, man, you got some business. Yep.

Savior, right this way. Come on, folks.

Uh -oh.

Didn't see you in church today. What part of day of rest do you not

Get a fee off of my property here.

Just as please as me.

Well, now, Jesus, if that's really you, why don't you go ahead and prove it to

all these good people here?

Fine. Y 'all want to see some magic?

Woo! Hello, you. Heavenly Jesus.

Watch me saw this old woman in half. No, no.

No, no, now, don't do that.

Look. This here's Billy Morton. Hey, Jesus. Now, Billy's father nailed these

tree branches and two -by -fours to him so he could get around.

Well, what can I say?

Tough nuts.

The way I work is unknown to me and mystified and all that. I want you to

him right here and right now.

He's supposed to bring me three gifts or rub a lamp or something. Stop.

Fine. Young pilgrim, put them wooden hands in mine.

Now, you go on. Give Jesus a pony keg. No kegs, Jesus.

Damn! I want to see exactly what you got. All right, fine.

Billy, repeat after me.

Part the lips and pass the gums. Part the lips and pass the gums. Watch out,

liver. Watch out, liver. Here it comes.

Amen. Amen.

Oh, huge!

Stumble in the light!

It is he!

Revelation is at hand.

Now, my flock, bring all your monies up here to me.

I have also tweaked the ancient text so that I might lie down with Glenn's wife.

Right, Glenn?

Uh, yeah.

Glenn, don't you displease me now.

You're going up there, honey.

Have a good one.

Jesus, I lost my job. I can't satisfy my wife anymore.

What are you going to do about global warming? I can't afford to feed my kids.

What are you going to do about that? Can you end the war in Afghanistan?

Hey, the Bulldogs are going to win the SEC this year.

Let me just think about all that and hit all of the back on the flip.

Amen.

Well, that was brief.

Not a lot of answers.

I didn't hear a lot of answers.

Hey, y 'all.

Oh, did I miss him again?

I think you're losing the crowd early. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, y 'all, hang

tight.

Let me see if Jesus is still back here.

All right!

He may need to bring out his A -game here.

You mean like go out there and sign some titties?

It's going to take more than that.

Aw, damn it.

You know, this day is slammed for me, so... He has a very busy schedule. Let's

push this here back to Thursday. Okay.

Everybody good for Thursday?

Thursday only. I will walk on the water. That's it.

First of August.

No, no, that one's busy, too.

Third. Third of August, yeah. August 3rd, huh? Third of August. Everybody

it down. Book it. It's happening.

because of this old bitch here.

Lo, I have done and done it. Bow down and kiss my ass. I am beat.

I think they're gone.

Jesus.

I want another air down here. Shut your mouth. I done told them I'd walk, not

stand. You keep a -paddling.

I will.