Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all your

sons to the vicar's when I go.

My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on. Touch the trim.

Hey, Early.

What in the world do you have on your head?

My new lid.

National Asbestos Associations are giving them out. I'm dead asbestos. I

This here hat was once the drop ceiling of a daycare.

They going green now. This is poorly translated from Chinese.

Damn it, Early. You always got to look for the made in the USA label.

Oh, my Lord.

What?

You ain't supposed to be wearing that hat no more. Yeah, they sent us this hat

with regards to your hat.

Ooh, this is a nice hat.

Government needs to stay out of my life.

Freedom ain't free no more.

Early, we got to get you to the doctor. No.

Fetch me my Cock Johnson championship headache powders.

I'll be fine.

Daddy? Oh, dear God.

Well, the x -rays are in.

You better have a look at this.

What am I looking at exactly?

What do you think it is?

Is that your semi -erect penis there? Could be. Could be.

I better put this up.

Save my battery.

Aren't you going to give some sort of diagnosis or something?

For him?

No, no, he's toast.

Put a fork in that.

What are you saying?

Put a fork in that, I said.

Who said that? Is he going to die?

Probably. Unless he's like some sort of god or something.

He's not from ancient Greece, is he?

No.

Let me show you this image.

Poor doe.

Big time.

You know, that guy don't know what the hell he's talking about.

We'll... Do a search on the web. Hell, we'll go down to Atlanta where the real

doctors are. Well, I ain't got no insurance for that mess.

Then we'll go to a chiropractor and we'll get a non -medical opinion.

But if you're going to get better, you're going to have to take that hat

now.

There we go.

What the... Where'd you get that? I can't control my cravings. I'm down to a

pack a day.

Damn it, Early.

Can't you see these hats are killing you? I know it ain't good for me, but I

just ain't got the strength to quit.

I'm sorry, buddy.

It's okay.

You want to do some big old donuts in my car here?

Yeah. You best get the hell out.

So what did the doctor say about my daddy?

Uh, well, he's, uh, A -OK.

He's gonna be fine.

Fine as wine.

Like a friendship.

Uh, say, we're sweetly over time.

Hey, Hoss, you got you another car?

Uh, yeah. I think I could radio for another one. What's this?

You crying, pussy?

You've just been such a good friend.

I can't bear to see you go like this. Hey, y 'all, looky here.

This pussy's a crime.

Daddy, you ain't looking so good.

Maybe you better lie down.

Looks like I might come out ahead in the dead pool after all. Bitch, I'm fine.

It's just a headache.

He ain't gonna be fine at all, is he, Sheriff?

No, he ain't got long, Rusty.

Let's just give him what he needs.

Make sure he's comfortable in his final days.

Give it to me.

All of it, you son of a bitch.

I'm going to have me a little nap here.

When I wake up, I expect this here sack to be full of monies.

Cashy monies.

You heard him, Boyd. Just hand it to me.

I'll fill the sack.

I was going to throw these taquitos out, but if it'll make them feel like he got

one over, I'll make them. Thanks, Boyd.

You were always there for Early when he needed to rob you.

I don't know what to say, Glenn.

Put yourself in his shoes.

I mean, it's what he wanted. But it's my wife.

And I really don't want this. Please, y 'all.

Don't fight.

I can't stand to see it. Come on, Glenn's wife.

Wrap your fine -ass mouth around my toes.

I could go at any minute.

Well, we'll never have to see him again.

There you go, baby.

Early this year is the man from the Make a Miracle Network.

He arranged his whole deal today.

Well, hey there, big guy. How are you? Oh, no, no, no, sir. It's for my daddy.

Oh, your daddy.

Okay. That's right. You told me he was seven. Oh, well, he got that gland

disease that makes you look old.

Yeah, but this one here just called him daddy. No, he didn't. Fire it up, boys.

I'm proud to be a confederate where we still have slavery.

And it's sad them Yankees had to die. They shouldn't have met with Jamboree.

I will stand up and salute these state's proud members of the SEC.

Daddy's butt drunk and mama's on the griddle. Cooking up crystal meth ready

little. Gonna tear your ass straight up the middle.

God bless the Confederacy.

There you go.

All the histories and schoolbooking you'll ever need to know about is right

there in laser light. Well, Early, I'm just glad you could see it your way

before you died.

Yeah. What else you got?

Look, Hurley, it's Grammy award -winning artist T -Pain. Hell, I know T -Pain.

There you go, hoss.

Um, what is this? I thought it was a wrap.

I like driving my truck.

Auburn sucks. Yeah, you twiddle the knobs and let me know when it drops. I

thought this was kind of like just a photo with the chain. You a damn drank.

Hey, that's my wife, man.

Ew, what else you got?

Okay, big guy. This is Kevin Gillespie. Hey there, buddy.

He was the fan favorite on Top Chef last season. Top Chef on Bravo?

You watch Bravo?

Yeah? No?

Are you ready for a new twist on a southern classic?

Well, how about skillet fried chicken with pickled watermelon and... Please,

please don't!

Wait, hey, Julie.

You know, I don't want to offend you. I know you have this disease and all, but

I don't think you're really seven...

This has all made me very tired.

Early? Oh, God, no!

Yep, this'll do. I like it. Early, why not just something simple and elegant

like this pine box here? Since I'm... Kind of footing the bill on this whole

thing. You want me to go out with a damn bang, don't you?

Well, of course I... It's a coffin, that's a bass guitar, and a bourbon

It's genius. No, I know. It's my final wishes.

Don't you want me to be happy?

Okay, we'll take the Michael Anthony.

Yeah!

We call this year, Curb, the collar killer.

All my wildest kin met their maker here and punched his ass in the face.

This here was my great -uncle, Curlow.

His gal, Earl Otter.

Dickie Jack.

His memorial was a damn bloodbath.

Oh, yeah, I was doing the escort on that one.

All right, y 'all come on around.

You're good to go.

Why are we here, Early? You know you can't be buried on the shoulders of the

road. I ain't here to pick a plot.

I'm here to end it.

The collar way.

Boom! Oh, come on, Early.

With today's headache powder, science and all, you could recover.

No. Science is the devil's game. If Jesus would have had himself a 454 big

block, he'd have wanted them Jews to kill him this way, too.

You're right.

You're right.

You deserve to die with some dignity, though.

So go on, get your truck, boat, truck.

Uh -uh. No, sir.

Okay. Take the keys.

Yes, I'll tell your granny you stole it.

Come on, now. Let me hit you so it's believable.

We could probably cover that with a story. That'd be them ribs.

I kicked it orbital.

That's exactly how I would have done it.

Farewell, old friend.

Just make sure you're safely inside the pearly gates before you start calling

everybody homeless.

Don't you tell me what to do.

I'll do it. I'll clean.

Oh, you're such a pill.

Hey, y 'all. Look what I found at the library.

Experimental procedures.

Yeah, they got them a treatment that might be able to save Daddy. We've got

stop him. Early. Wait.

Wait, Early.

Wait.

Damn our bags.

Look here, I done chipped a damn tooth.

Yeah.

Pizzle.

Let's go early.

What we do? I like driving in my truck. He likes to drive in his truck.

Auburn sucks.

Auburn sucks.

I like driving in my truck. He likes to drive in his truck.

Auburn sucks.

Auburn sucks.

I like trucks.

They like trucks.

I don't, uh, I don't care for Auburn. He doesn't care for Auburn.

Holes.