Original subtitles

He ran off and took our old winch again.

When I broke down, the house was burned in bare.

He took our old winch back to Osaki.

Some days it seems that life, it just ain't fair.

My turn.

Hang on. Let me grab that thing.

Hazekia and Jebediah are going to be bringing outside pressure.

Malachi and Nebuchadnezzar are playing the cover, too. And Matthew, Mark, Luke,

and John are stacked up in the box.

Naturally, we're going to go with the triple option.

Granny, I'm the one here.

Fine, just get the ball and run somewhere. That'll work.

Is Daddy here yet? No, baby, he couldn't make it. But he sent a text.

saying, tell Rusty I ain't thinking about him and I'm about to make sexuals

whole and rotten gourd.

Now, let's do this thing.

One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes.

Throw it long.

Now go long. That means you gotta catch it.

Throw it.

Touchdown. Yay, we win.

You probably could have just run the clock out, too.

Tell me how my ass tastes.

Oh, thanks for going easy on us, coach.

Come on, kids.

Don't spend all day thanking our lord and savior for frigging field goals.

Another frozen rose. Now, just what in the hell are y 'all doing? Oh, hey,

Early. Well, we're just making a recruitment tape for college coaches.

No, no. Hell no. He's gonna stay right here and tend that field that I'm gonna

one day plant some mass in. It's on my schedule. See here? Two to three. Rotten

gourd relations. Hey, that's my personal time there.

Well, you know, Early, sometimes them football boosters will provide your

with a car or even house if you keep nice and quiet about it.

They're going to do what now?

He run.

He throw.

He catch.

And he got him a secret weapon.

Corner blitz. Go.

Please, I don't want to blitz.

Now go for two.

Please don't go for two. No. Two point diversion.

Can't no man tackle him in the open field. That's why I use the wheat

No, daddy, no.

Get that thing off.

Can he outrun a bullet?

Regrettably, no.

Tape his ass up.

You want to wind up in the BCS, you come on down to the collar place.

Talk some turkey.

All right, close with the star wipe.

The star wipe.

Come on, damn it, do it. You make me look like a damn fool.

Yes, Rusty, that's your recruitment tape on the world's largest HD screen.

Hey, man, does that thing always kind of, like, rest on the field like that?

Yeah.

Picture it, a sunny Saturday in the fall.

80 ,000 fans shrieking your name in unison.

Rusty. Rusty. Go Rusty! Well, no one's going to be shouting his name if he's

riding the pine.

I mean, you ain't gonna redshirt him or anything foolish like that, are you? Who

plays and when is really the coach's decision.

I stay out of it. Looks like you're the one making all the big decisions.

Oh, sure, I'm occasionally in the huddle, but I let my coach take the

of the heat.

What do you say, Coach Lackey? Can you tell them what I want to hear?

This kid's got the stuff.

He's a wonderful recruiter. What about academics?

Academic?

Oh, yeah, yes, we have those.

This kid's got the stuff. I mean, what kind of classes would I be taking and

everything? We have an honors -level seminar entitled Please Don't Beat Your

Girlfriend Up in Public, and every athlete goes through an orientation, how

tell if it's food. It's all just part of our nebulous...

communications degree.

Hey, Rusty, check this out. I'm going to do this after I score a touchdown next

week, baby.

Shocking the world. What are you doing playing college ball? I love Sheetrock

I've been here nine years catching this pig skin, baby.

Are you like a pro or something? What he chooses to do with his Saturdays is

none of your or the NCAA's business. You got an explosive collar on me, man. How

am I supposed to operate like this? Whoa, wait. I thought we agreed that

was bling. This mother ticks and blinks all day. We didn't agree to anything.

I wrote the book. I do it.

Let's just move on to the cheers. She rock, she rock, she rock you. She rock

you.

Now take him to the slut dungeon.

Now I gotta say, I was really impressed with Sheetrock Youth. Yeah, I think

that's about the best place to mold you and shape you into a real man.

You know, that place what give me the hummers.

Hey, Rusty, uh... I don't want to put any pressure on you or anything, but

before you make a decision, you really should consider all your options. Yeah,

there could be somebody out there that could provide us with two or even the

number that come after two of Hummerzines. On account of I give you

athlete jeans from sacking up your mama when she's dropping them eggs.

Well, Rusty, I got a fella traveling all the way up from Florida to tell you

where he's at.

Tom?

Tom Trebo? Tom Trebo? That's right, Tom Trebo. Helmsman Trophy winner and

starting quarterback from the National Champion Crocodiles of the University of

the Peninsular State just below the state of Georgia?

Hey, Rusty, you know, someone has to fill my shoes next year with the

of the University of the Peninsular State just below Georgia.

Are you that someone?

Who, me? That sounds good. Y 'all got a slut dungeon. Ah, you're so damn

handsome. Wait, wait, I can't be feeling this.

Get the hell off my land unless you're here to administrate food and medical

services like you do in them third world countries in the off season.

Oh, can I get the free circumcision?

Hey, you're going to need more than that if that thing's a penis.

Well, it's longer than it should be, I'll say that.

Hey, man, let's take a walk.

Rusty, what does my eye black say?

I am humble before he, but I am also number one in all statistical

Number one, number one. Woo, woo.

Oh, uh, continued on wristband.

Woo. That's from Corinthians, probably.

The leather company, right?

I'm pretty sure.

I guess. Rusty, when I call an audible, where do you think I get it? Well,

probably that two -way radio in your helmet. Yeah, sure, that.

But also, where else?

I don't know.

Outer space?

No, well, actually, yeah, you could say space.

But more specifically, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Would you like to meet him? Yeah, sure. All right. Okay. Go ahead. Say hello.

He's here with us right now.

What do you mean, like, metaphorically? Like he's here all the time? Well, yeah.

But he's also sitting right there.

See? I'm braiding his hair.

I can't really see him.

He must have his cloaking powers on.

Just like the predator.

Rusty, Tom's just had a lot of concussions in the past week. Jesus,

He has a laser! He's still cleared to play. You... Yeah, I have had that.

What is this number on my chest? Can everybody see this? Tom, won't you take

knee now, buddy?

Rusty, what Tom's trying to say, I think, is that Jesus has a game plan for

of us, and I think he just called to play for you.

to sign up with the University of the Peninsula State just below Georgia. And

Jesus lives in space.

Well,

I really enjoyed meeting you, and I endured the things we did.

I really was hoping to talk to your grandson about the great opportunities

have down here at Alabama Tech. To be honest, I think he's pretty well

You didn't say that when we started.

Why'd you make me do those things back there? You had your fun.

Now send in that fella from the semen holes on your way out. It's pronounced

Seminoles. I know exactly what I said.

Who was that?

Nobody. But if that fella recruits like he bangs, he ain't gonna have no kind of

team this fall.

Well, you must be Rusty's grandma.

That's right.

And let's hope you're from the Big Ten.

Mountain West, actually. Mountain West.

Mountain Rear?

Oh, yeah, great.

One of these deals, is it?

All right, let me just mentally prepare for this. What the hell are you doing,

boy? You keep the rings on.

You're going deep.

My son Rusty is the first one in the college family that was stupid enough to

brainwashed into college.

And as his father, I truly hope he makes the best decision for me.

That needs to be good for him, too. Thank you.

Look into your heart, Rusty. Do what you feel is right. Rusty, look at this rim.

On a necklace. Remember, Jesus is all around you. But also, so is the

That's some bling you.

Damn.

I have to say, this has been a very difficult decision for me. But at the

the day...

I gotta go with what my gut tells me.

So I've decided to sign with... The Barber

Lawn Fashion College. Woo! You what?

This kid's got the stuff. You've run this program into the ground.

You mean you ain't gonna play ball no more?

Son, you done told me you been out back getting fierce as hell with them

tackling dummies. Well, I was getting fierce. See? Check it out. My fabrics,

patterns. Hell, you can't coach that. I... I am a machine, y 'all. A sewing

machine!