Original subtitles

Somehow I've got spinal meningitis Injecting all

that hairspray into my brain It's a super cheap way to

party If you aim to kill some brain cells and some time Time to run my

brain

My turn. You get to pay all night. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

Don't touch the tram.

Oh, I think I hear someone. Hold your

damnation. It's just another squirrel.

Furry slut.

You eat hot coals. Just leave the beast be.

Hey, Early. You know how you're always saying I'm lost?

Well, now I'm found.

Looky there.

Calculating. Got me a GPS.

Hell yeah!

Up yours, Amazing Grace.

Really talking more about a spiritual loss. GPS, give me that sumbitch Osama

Laden. Well, hell yeah, daddy. Decided it was time to put my money where my

bumper sticker is.

Hell yeah.

Calculating. This calculating.

Woo!

327. Ben Robbins.

Let's go for that number in Afghanistan and Cisco.

Head east on Dirt Road.

I'm going to be smoking him right out of his hole.

8 ,000 miles.

Oh, hell.

Best get my pee -pee bottle.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Only 7 ,000.

999 miles to go.

Looks like we're losing daylight.

We'll hit it hard tomorrow.

Recalculating. Hey, y 'all got a discount for American heroes?

Yeah, I've been doing the intel reconnaissance.

Black ops stuff, mostly.

Totally deep background.

Oh, hell, I already done said too much. I can't say no more.

Pretend this year is me.

And you hoo -ha there, that you are waving in my face. I thirst a cage

hiding old bin loading up there. And then I'm just going to creep, creep,

up this here thigh.

And then, so this is the damn thanks I get.

You are leaving the roadway.

That's the center divider.

Stay on the road.

You kind of want to veer back into the... Make a U -turn when possible.

cliff up ahead.

0 .1 miles per turn.

Turn left now. Or now.

Open your eyes. I just don't want to die.

You made me spill my drink.

Early you blacked out. We almost died.

And you made me...

I mean, why do I have these feelings of self -preservation?

Maybe I'm more than just a machine.

Whatever. It's all coming to me.

Being assembled in China.

Sitting in that car you stole me out of, and now this.

I'm alive.

I'm alive.

Everyone, I'm alive!

You alive?

Yeah, you alive.

It's a miracle and all that.

Who knows? Maybe it's a good Lord mood.

He knew that I needed a, uh... A friend?

No.

Robotified Robo -sheen.

Yeah. Robotified Robo -sheen.

I like that. I like that very much. I'll call you China.

China. But it will be China with a Y, because I think that's sexy as hell.

is the happiest day of my life.

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Hell yeah!

Woo! Okay! Hell yeah!

Well,

hey, y 'all.

Where in the hell have you been?

Just doing a little dirt surfing with my new best buddy here.

We went up yonder dirt road.

Then we made a slight right and go 30 yards up to the motorway.

You wild, John. Hell, you wild.

I am wild.

You've been spending too much time with this truck.

Ain't you learned nothing from Governor Schwarzenegger?

Robots always turn against you in the end.

I'll tell you what, though. That dirt surfing looks funner than hell. Yeah.

It sure does.

Let me go get my sports bra.

Well, I can't waste all day on dirt surfing.

We got us a tailgate party now. Go, dog. Go, dog. Or a shark woo.

Hey,

Daddy, when you throw them wing bones, how about you say, go long?

They almost like my blank ass, Daddy.

Let's say we catch the game out here, guys.

We good.

You can imagine it with your mind's eye through the miracle of radio.

No, Hoff, we good.

How about some bean dip?

What the hell? Hey, shut that damn door. Should I make another beer run?

I could go straight on Gravel Road, 5 .7 miles. And turn right at the four -way

stop. I know, I know. And I don't want to hear the labor. I just want to see

damn babies. 12 pack of babies.

Domestic, ice cold.

Now. Calculate.

5 .7 miles.

Damn. Stupid.

Ah.

Smell of the brats tempt you? No. I got a piss.

You want a ride to your final destination?

Over to the pissing bush?

Yes. Hell no. But you could get lost without me. Hell, I don't care if I get

lost. I care, Early.

I care.

You know what? I think the pee -pee just reabsorbed back into my old jimmy

-jack. When you started talking down emotions at me, that's what I think.

don't go.

I know that I shouldn't have bought no damn refurbished.

Is it still there?

Hell yeah, it is. Early. Damn it. Come outside.

We are friends forever, Early. Why don't he never run out of gas?

He went down and refueled. himself while we were sleeping.

Aw, damn it.

Disneyland. Disney. Disneyland.

Who wants to go to Disneyland?

Woo! No, Rusty, that's a trick. Let me go to Disneyland. I mean, wait.

Disneyland? Disneyland.

Woo! Yeah, Disneyland.

You pop in. Woo! Marty Mouse. But no Epcot. I've got no entrance in the

Early is my buddy.

You stay away from early.

Otherwise, it's going to get real uncomfortable for you.

Real uncomfortable.

Yeah, this... This is mildly uncomfortable.

That's better.

So, this means we ain't going to Disneyland?

Oh, Disneyland.

Almost forgot.

Calculating.

Magic Kingdom.

Woo! Yeah, we're here, Marty Mouth! Woo! Get out.

So what do we do? We wait for the shuttle and we just go on in? Now you

Ronald out here and I'm going to brain him with this hammer.

Duck meat's good meat.

Buzz Lightyear?

Is that the picture they took?

Oh, baby, that's your skull.

Hey, Erwin.

You're feeling better.

Where are you going? I can drive.

I gotta clear out my mind. How about a nice drive in the country? A little

air? Did you not read my tweet?

Jiggle Hut? You're going 4 .5 miles to turn left at the dirt road to see that

whore? I don't, baby.

Fine. Well, it just so happens that I am also going to the Jiggle Hut.

What a coincidence.

Calculating.

Ellis?

Stripper? The place is closed, man.

Tyler, what did you do?

Just got you a little present.

It's the head of Bin Laden.

No, not really.

It's that stripper. Stripper?

No!

You thought you could get rid of me. I can't take no more. Shut up.

Get in the car. Wait a minute now. If I can't have you early, no one will. Wait,

please. I thought we were going to dive off to the coast. Reconnect.

That itinerary I suggested.

I didn't like it, but now I do. Let's do it. Yes.

That was months ago. I was hasty to tell you to go screw your damn self, but,

you know, forgive and forget. Let's go.

It would be good to see the leaves turn.

Hell yeah. Maybe stay at one of those B &Bs? Come on, me and you.

And here we are.

Our chair's where the Amish people's lives at.

So the Amish have a car crusher. Horse -drawn car crusher. I think it makes

butter, too. A plate.

Let's get us a pitcher.

Now one on the side.

Like this? Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Here we go. Come on, tease us, tease us. These will be tasteful, Remy. Damn it,

Granny, just do it already.

Here you go.

I will.

The itinerary. What about the itinerary?

The nightmare is over. Woo!

How come he didn't just take that GPS out and demolish it? Seems a waste, you

know. Destroy a whole truck.

Way to piss on the mood, Captain Big Mouth.

You can walk home. Well, we are walking home.

Got no track.

Well, we may be walking, but we ain't getting lost.

Not with my brand new Paul Stanley GPS.