Original subtitles

My oldest son was born an albino.

My youngest is a covered in hair.

The middle one says he's a homosexual.

And the other seven gone, I don't know where.

I raised them right. They ought to be mine.

My turn.

Hey, Early, come on out here. I got something amazing out here I want you to

see.

Nope. Suck it.

Come on, Early.

I'm seeing things out here I can't believe.

Okay, you piqued my interest.

That's great, Granny.

Now, if we could just get Early to join us, well, that'd just be... Oh, he ain't

here. He got him a job selling Bibles door to door. Thank Jesus.

Is he smoking some sort of drug pipe in there? Well, he needs to get his mind

right. Tales is a high -pressure gig.

Well, I'm glad to see he's matured and accepting some responsibility. How do

like this?

My ass in the winter.

I don't like it one bit.

Me neither, but he likes the clothes strong. Come on, Granny.

Well,

here it is.

It's everything you said it would be. Damn it, lady, I'm trying to smoke here.

I'm talking about contraption, Granny.

It's a holodeck. You can use it to make your wildest dreams come true. My

wildest dreams are coming true. Granny, leave him alone.

Hey, how about a little privacy, buddy? I don't judge your lifestyle.

Okay, Kenny, you know the fantasy.

That's wonderful.

That tastes like a biscuit. Do I?

Next time I want three puppies.

Balls out.

Oh, I want to try and eat meat. Just imagine what you want most in your life,

and it'll be yours.

Oh, my goodness.

My fantasy.

What's happening?

Sweet release.

Granny?

Not now.

Just let me soak this in for a little while.

Okay. It's just making me sad, Zal.

All right, fine.

Let's see.

Mammy? Mammy, is that you?

There, there, darling.

You're with your mammy now.

That's where you are. You're with your mammy. Oh, mammy. Why did you run off

with your friend Lamar?

and drop me off at the post office in the box labeled free, baby?

I did do that, didn't I?

That was wild.

You with your mammy now.

Ain't nobody gonna hurt you in this whole big world. Enough, Lumber!

Mammy! Granny child!

I'm gonna get floppy in here, Hoss. Oh, hey there, Early.

I knew you'd come around sooner or later.

Here we go.

Did I do one?

No.

You can't force it. Just kind of relax.

Did I do one?

Uh -uh.

You're getting a nosebleed here. I think that was one, wasn't it? No.

I think I feel one coming on.

What was that? Was that one?

Didn't I do one? No, not really, no. I was fat, damn close to a magi -fine, and

you interrupted my fucking damn son of a bitch and a magic peddler. Just send

him to Panama City.

Hell yeah!

Pee, pee, pee, baby!

Hey! Yeah!

And no consequences for your actions, neither.

No consum equitas?

Consequences. You know, the result of doing something.

Like when you drink liquor all weekend. Brown or see -through?

Well, either one.

How much liquor? I got to budget out my weekend, you know.

I'm talking about consequences. You keep saying liquor. Where the damn liquor

at?

The early real point is... Oh, no, no. I get it. I totally get it.

Consequence -ify my thirst.

Let's go hog -ass wild right now. Come on. See, see, see.

There you go.

You're getting the hang of it, Erlie.

I hate to keep interrupting your holodeck experience there, but maybe you

try something different. Hey, E -Dog, am I going to have to flush this turd?

Stay cool, Devin. Let me handle it. Like what, long dog?

Well, anything.

You got all the space and time at your command.

Bam, you're right. What the hell was I thinking? Hey, bring that fool closer.

Jump, jump, jump.

Yeah, E -Dog. Should have made it a little bit boozy too early.

Yeah, bro.

Let me see. Hell, yeah.

Now, let's go beat the holy hell out of some of them dolphins.

Hey, Daddy. I want to whoop a dolphin's ass. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You want to bump

with me? You want to bump with me? Kevin, chill.

It's all good. It's all up in your grill, man. I'll handle it, Hoss. I'll

it. Son, what are you doing here?

Now, don't take us the wrong way, but you don't exist in my perfect dream

In my dream world, I wasn't so damn insistent about riding bar back all the

time. Well, I got up in that holodeck thing, and I knew I could have anything

wanted to. Now it's my fantasy that you and me, you know, we'd spend some time

together, Daddy.

You're right, son.

You're right.

But it's just I wish you weren't so damn boring.

I get so busy getting caught up in things that are more interesting than

that I lose sight of what's really important, like having somebody to watch

ass during a criminal endeavor.

What you putting on me?

Shut your damn mouth.

This here is a future suit.

What the hell? What is this, Eddie? We in the future, but we from the past,

right? We know what happened in all them UFC stock car races and cult fights,

don't we? We bet the monies on them contests here and then take them

back to the past and hell, we live like kings.

Now, Daddy, I don't think you can bet on something that's already happened, can

you?

They don't know that.

Hell, I don't know that. They from the future. We from the future. We making

damn rules here.

Ain't these people mad in there?

And even if they wasn't, ain't they been in the past just like us?

Dammit, you ain't listening.

They're from the future.

It's a damn different time.

So then we just spent money on something that's already happened?

Yeah, that's the thing.

Give me some monies. You got money, right?

No.

Well, now this is how we get the money, with this whole betting thing.

Well, we could just make up some money with that mine.

No, that ain't gonna work.

Uh -oh. Where are we now?

The question is, when are we, son?

I'm afraid we're at a painful crossroads in our nation's history.

It's here, September 10th.

So we gonna stop them Jews from doing it, ain't we, Daddy? No, no, son. We

mustn't interrupt the flow of time and crap.

Get your 9 -11 shirts, folks. Come on now. Here they are. No, Daddy. We can

actually stop it. I can contact the FBI. You don't understand.

It will impact... The shirts!

Yeah, fine, whatever. It's a holodeck anyway.

Time's up. Get out of here.

But the shirt!

What the? All right.

How'd y 'all like the holodeck? What the hell you think you doing?

I'm sorry, Early. I just kind of had to keep you busy in that holodeck while I

repossessed your, uh, truck, boat, truck, boat, truck, uh, wave runner

My flea!

I'm sorry, Early, but doggone it, you got a bad habit of walking all over my

feelings. Nobody's going to treat me like the big man I know I am unless I

the big man out of the back seat and put him behind the wheel. On that note,

good day, Mr. Collar. I said good day.

That sheriff's a good fella.

I like him.

Can't I see that he's an officer of the law and as such deserves my respect?

Oh, I've learned my lesson. I have seen the error of my perpetrating weapons.

I will never break the law again. I will never break the law again.

Time's up.

Dang, that felt good.

You know, Doc, that holodeck therapy was a good idea.

You know, I think I had a real breakthrough.

You know, sometimes therapy helps to visualize things, especially things that

you will never possibly achieve in your waking life.

Well, uh, What are you saying here, Doc?

Even in your own fantasy, you only half listen to you. And you're also insecure,

and you haven't made any progress at all. I mean, this is just a colossal

of time.

Oh.

Well, what should I do?

Well, you have a gun. I mean, you figure it out. That's... You know, either way,

I've got to be out of here by five. Now, get your fancy country ass off my land!

You know, what I'd like you to do is to get your...

To remove your stanky country ass from my land. Or I'll make mouth love to you

with the barrel of my shoddy. I would be obligated to make mouth love to you

with the barrel of my shoddy. Okay?

You know that during these sessions it's really more helpful that you be out

here talking about your feelings and not just masturbating in my holodeck. What

do you mean?

I've grown a lot in these sessions.

I mean, right back there in that booth, I done grown about six. I knew you were

going for a joke here, but... And while it's amusing, I'm late for my next

appointment, and this shirtless carny and I are going to... We're going to go

totally family style on your confused grandmother.

I found only group therapy really does it for me anymore.

Oh, no.

So this one actually happened then, huh?

Oh, look at him.

Watching his first homemade porno. Take a picture, Granny. Today, you'll become

a man.