Original subtitles

My oldest son was born in Alabama.

My youngest is stubborn in hair.

The middle one says he's homosexual.

The other seven's gone. I don't know where and I don't care.

I just don't care.

My turn.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

the tram.

Hey, now.

Hi, baby.

You like me some good hair?

I like me some good hair, too.

Well, your nipples is erecting. Hey, which way we think is party downstairs?

Let me just get down here.

Come on, now.

Loosen up.

Early. Early.

What the?

Them papers is 25 cents.

Hell no.

You done priced yourself out of the damn market. Damn media.

Bull mouse.

Hey. Hey.

It's me.

Did you get my text?

Nuh -uh.

Didn't send one.

Hell, you can't read, you dumb bitch.

Nothing. Then I wouldn't make love to you if you was the last woman on Earth.

Well, don't come over then.

Well, I won't.

If I was not to show up in 20 minutes, would that work? I mean, would you be

there in 20 for me not to be there if you was the last woman on Earth? I'm

my cousin.

Is there anything you won't bang?

It's a C.

Oh, browser temple.

Two of them.

Lord, please let me have this extra chunky threesome, and I will forever

gospel is better than the devil's music, which we both know it ain't. Amen.

Ladies! Uh -uh. Don't answer him, Crystal.

He's just not that into you.

Hey, come on now. Give that cousin a hug.

Bet you ain't seen her in a long time.

Bet you missed her.

Yeah, and then a hand on the thigh.

Let's loosen up and have a little bit of fun here.

No, sirry way. No way. No how.

Come on, now. I'm a God -fearing woman.

I won't do nothing out of marriage.

We married.

And we married.

Oh, no.

Rusty, you don't need to be seeing this. Go play in the yard with your

stepsisters and brothers.

Woo -hoo! All right!

Wake up, you drunk fool.

You're done married.

That's what the Lord told me to do. Yeah, he never said that. Jesus says he

never said that.

But wait.

What'd you say, Lord? Who are you talking to?

Shut up, woman.

Men are talking.

What's that?

That's not me at all. You're giving me a vision. What?

They don't say a thing to me.

That I must seek to matrimonialate multiple women like a smart son of a

down there in Texas.

What Bible do you have? Are you making this up as you go along? Oh, and they

shall be barely legal. No. And their skirts shall be short and slight of

tuniness. You didn't even have that kind of language. And their t -shirts, he

shall wet the... Herbie, you're going to ruin my end with Jesus. And I just got

him to forget about that Ponzi scheme I ran in the 70s. Leave me be.

Well, I must now seek repose in the apple bosom of my husky betrothed.

Deliver unto them my manly pleasures, hard and with much speed.

Oh, early, multiple wives.

Well, why don't you just kick Jesus in the crotch? I was going to do this on a

big -ass blimp at the tractor pull, but hell, here goes.

I'd like you to be my bride, number one. Oh, early? If you'll have me. A churchy

wedding. Two young lovers bound by blood. The hottest of passions.

between them through physical intimacy.

Granny, come on. We're gone, Chasen.

Now, look, we gotta book that venue now because that stuff, Chasen, and I don't

want a DJ, I want a band.

Hey, Randy Ruth.

How's it hanging, boy? I've already gotten some demos. How about you

that blimp with the proposal on it? Most of them are lame as hell. What do you

mean you can't return my damn deposit? Pick a caterer. That's very important.

All right, then. Just tweak the barbitage.

Do you love him?

Do you love him?

Y 'all ever watch Cops?

I can't think of the stage, really.

Y 'all ever watch Cops? Okay, Christian singles.

Let's make some connections.

Monogamy. Yeah.

You've got to be faithful.

Faithful. You know, you've got to be tired.

Tired. All right, let's have all the men stand on this side of the room and all

you women come introduce yourselves.

But otherwise, remain silent and obediently follow whatever your new life

partner tells you to do. For you were created from an expendable bone from

Adam's hairy, rippled chest.

The Bible says... Reverend, what women?

It's like a chorizo party in here.

We're losing our females to Early's cult.

Hey, Daddy, I got me a girlfriend.

My step -sister, Dorothy. You mean my wife?

You smooth, Daddy.

Coxmanship. I guess I'll go over here and swing. Not with my wife, you won't.

You don't mind if I go over here to this fuel filter, do you? Not with my wife,

you won't. I better go propose to the seesaw. Not with my wife, you won't.

I can see their boobs with these space glasses.

Give me that.

Let somebody that can be professional look at these bazoons and see what's

on.

Damn, those are boobs, aren't they?

Let's do this thing.

Early collar.

This is Sheriff speaking.

Get inside now. Go on.

Let us in.

In time is upon us, my folk.

Oh, I am troubled, and my eyes wish to behold a make -out session.

Go on, 27, you just get on down there and lay down with 26. It's a make -out

session. He's mocking us.

Start to take, Denny.

What the hell?

What the hell's this?

He ain't gonna be able to take this long, I guarantee it.

This doesn't seem to be working.

These boys

just don't have a lot of range, do they? Yeah, this is a South Beach extended

remix. Hey, man, you see that dark -headed one over there?

Making out with the big one?

Is it just me, or she keeps looking over here?

I like it, son.

Yeah, the groove is pretty tight.

Come on now, baby. Let's cut this thing loose.

Early, you want ice to get us? Oh, you best stay out of it.

Oh, we'll restack the can good.

What the hell?

The government is going to burn us down.

The day has come, people. Do you hear me? Early, it ain't like that at all. We

just came to meet other singles for friendship and maybe more.

You with the dark hair under the slightly larger one, what's your name?

You ever watch that show, cops?

Sheriff, I'm afraid they all took.

Married to me.

I'm sorry, Early. I didn't see a ring or nothing. Marm wire is the ring.

Oh, well.

See, what we do here is we create an underage woman for me to marry out of

women that I done and married.

And by doing this, we was able to create a younger, finer, good -looking woman.

And they all mine.

Early, you just seem so happy and together now.

It's great to see you found some, uh, ones.

God tells me what to say.

And then I tweak it a little bit.

I put all the sex spin on it. That's how I do.

You know, Early, I like to join things.

What's a guy got to do to get in on something like this? Oh, it's easy.

You just got to make two women join in with you.

Preserve the ratio.

And cut your testicles off. Uh, wait a minute. Hold it.

How many women did you say? Two.

Well, if I could find two women, then, hell, I wouldn't need to join. They

you know, be one, just one but one, bequeathed to have it, and to bangeth

own way with it.

Read you, scholars.

Well, look, let's meet halfway.

How about I bring one woman and cut one nut off? Let him keep a nut.

Hold on, hold on, let me ask.

God, willst thou accept one clacker and one woman from this lonely pilgrim?

No, he said no. Two nuts it is.

Oh, damn it.

Well, I'll be back this afternoon.

Okay, we're all set for lima beans. I got them stacked nine high.

Lord, tell it me low.

They should be moved again to yet another corner of the room.

Best do it now before you cause him anger. And then maybe we can consummate

on... Let's just tackle them beans first.

Just drink this, okay? Just drink it, damn it. Praise be the church of the

early... Talks over with.

But you said God said we'd all be... Come on now. Let's not get into he said,

God said.

Well, what happened?

Unholy menstrual cycles all in tandem as the damn tour de France of ball

-busting victory.

Ball -busting.

Those were the days.

Can we... Can we go into the party, ma 'am?

The biggin' stays.

You get on in there.

Get you some fruit punch.

All right, fruit punch.

Uh, Denny, wait, stop.

Bring me out a glass, too. I like that fruit punch. All right, Den.

Look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but you said this was a way for me to meet

willing singles in my area. No, I just started a church, so I ain't got to pay

no tax.

I ain't so sure you've ever paid taxes, have you?

No, I don't pay no taxes, no.

Got awful quiet in there. Yep, party's over.

Well, how you gonna break the news to the girls?

Oh, I think they got the message.

Hmm, thanks, Denny.

Ah, that grape hit the spot.

And burned the hole right to it.

Oh, damn.

I feel something.

I ain't about to play no sumbitchin' tag.

I walk with Jesus.