Original subtitles

Well, my oldest son was born. Yep, I know.

And my youngest dog's covered with hair.

And the middle one says he's a homosexual.

Any other seven's gone. I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

the trim oh my god what in the hell did we

do something you and me i'm not sure but oh hell just so you know i can't get

pregnant no more whoa now did we do something they do nothing i like that

i had one of them dreams last night that god said i came over here and tipped

our house up off the ground son son now come on that's impossible

I mean, old Godzilla, he lives up there in J -Pan. And that's a long -ass

commute just for a beatdown, okay?

No, Godzilla ain't got no... It's Godzilla!

Oh, no!

It's Godzilla!

We have hammered him!

Let's put my emergency out!

Go,

go, go! All right, there we go.

Affirmative evasion. Do it, do it!

Oh, look at this place.

Leo, clean up this mess.

Damn, you sloppy -ass bitch.

Check that old meth.

Ain't got a sumbitching clue.

Hey, Miguel, get that batch of sour diesel wrapped and loaded. Make sure you

have the OG cushion, strawberry cough, fried, and labeled before you go. But

these are all the same.

It's marketing, you dumbass.

Now, come on.

Bonnaroo is in tres dias.

Hey,

uh, Groover, uh, it's 20 minutes after 4.

Anybody want to get, uh, sky high on some, uh, grass?

Are you a cop, Sheriff?

Oh, no way, bro.

Because you're supposed to tell us if you was a police. Come on now, let's

uh, let's inhale some drugs together.

Or maybe we could rub some drugs on our gums and experience a kind of feeling of

euphoria.

All right. All right, then. Hell, yeah. That sounds good.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, where's Mary and Johnny?

Because I want to get gassed. Yeah, now. Me, too. Yeah, also me.

I'll try anything once. There you go. Let's go on a drug trip. Yeah, let's go.

Let's do it. Hell, I'm down with it. Can't get worse.

Let's go.

Let's do it. Now.

All right, then. Let's do it.

All right.

Y 'all ain't got no drugs, do you?

No, we ain't got no drugs, no.

How about you?

Fine. Want to play dumb?

Come on, boy.

Get out there and sniff them drugs out. Come on.

Come on.

Here, go get your scent.

There you go.

He ain't moving.

He's just stroping out the scene.

You know, playing dead.

Early, you said this was a drug possum. It is.

Drug it over here from the side of the road to settle up with your dumb ass.

Fine. We'll just do it with the gerbil.

I've got all day.

What's this all about, chef?

Well, we're getting reports of a lot of marijuana traffic coming out of Dougal

County, see? And the GBI sent these satellite photos of your property. Look

right here. That's your shack.

And this here is widespread panic.

They've been playing on your back 40 for three days.

Is that what that rat living's all about?

Damn! Get more music!

Sing me a song about a bird! You filthy hippies!

Mudwaller and a woodstock and some bitchin' hippies!

Point me to your drug stash. Now. Oh, hell, this ain't about my private plot

back there, is it? No, that's just small potatoes.

Oh, good.

No, really, those are literally tiny potatoes.

We tested them. Do you really get off with that?

Nope.

Suppose I should have read the seed packet.

Oh, well. If y 'all find anything out, just let me know. All right, then. I'll

see you later.

Toodle -oo!

See you later, Sheriff. Adios. Adios.

Hang on just a minute.

Tax assessor's gonna want to see that.

He probably called a split level, I bet you.

Hell, yeah! We got us a basement!

We can finally get the bunker pool table out the yard.

Well, get your ass out! You got some questions to answer.

Like how you play bubble pool.

And why them bubbles so close to the hole?

It don't make no sense.

Lil!

What in the hell?

Ain't no one going down there. We're shipping out in three days.

Mr. Frank!

Novelty vomit.

She fooled us!

Oh, well.

Lift up the house. I'm taking all your drugs.

What the hell? You want some of my weed?

You gotta get a prescription.

Now, remember what I said. Now, keep your story straight. You've been

with the lower back pain, and you've got the degenerative eye condition.

No, I... Okay,

uh... Oh, yeah, looks like an hallucinated disc and a case of the old

glaucoma. So I'm gonna go with, uh, marijuana.

Hooray! Oh, finally!

I can feel comfortable in social situations.

You get them hands up where I can see them. I can't see your hands. Where the

hell are your hands at?

Oh, there they are. All right, now, what was I going to do here?

That's right. The bum bum comes out that end. All right, you.

This is frozen.

I'll have...

Every corn dog and some little donuts.

Okay. Four or five.

Here you go.

This is a robbery.

Hey, I need me some clean urine right now.

Well, you know they don't. People better watchin' me. Drug test here. I need

what I need, so piss in the mug.

Come on, here we go.

Shake the dew off.

I'll catch it. Come on, take your lick now.

Gentlemen. What?

I ain't on drugs. You on drugs. You think I'm on drugs? Ain't nobody here on

drugs. That's, uh, that's my father at day marks. I know that, Glenn. I got it

off your desk. Best dad ever.

Your stupid youngins are the ones on drugs.

Oh, yeah. This almost makes me not want to stalk that abortion doctor.

Yeah.

Almost.

Look at that sky.

Oh, yeah?

Blows my mind to think that Adam and Eve used to bump the ugliest right here

under these same stars.

Lo, them 300 year ago.

I hate to interrupt you, Dalvin.

Did you know he was doing three in a 55?

Hell, I ain't driving.

Where you headed tonight, son?

Well, we all headed, Sheriff.

That's the real question, ain't it?

You're right.

Oh, boy, my thumb is amazing.

I just never noticed it before.

The Lord God didn't put no thumb on my hand. You know why?

That's because God only don't give you no what he knows you can't handle.

Exactly. Yeah, Rip.

Bam.

Listen to that.

That there is a stone cold groove.

Look at that, though.

It was there all the time. Come on now, let's all us wiggle dance now.

Hell

yeah.

On the floor.

Lock it down. Lock it down. Oh, now. Whoa.

Oh, hell. Hold on, widespread panic. Y 'all cops.

Yeah, man. You know, we just said that.

I think they know why I've been smoking this stuff.

It ain't me. It's the bitch. Yeah, she's the one. She runs the whole operation.

Get the EMTs in here. It looks like he's giving her an overdose.

She's cutting her eyes at me. She's faking it. Come on, look. She's a faker.

You're a cop, too. Pardon the bust. I'm cutting over your stones.

What the hell are all those New Mexicans doing here?

They, uh, they're...

Fifteen naked male nannies? He's got a lot of problems.

Be cool, be cool. Calm down, man.

Down on the floor. Everybody on the floor.

Me too.

We're all on the same level now. We're all at the same place. Nobody's above

anybody else.

Everybody's the same now.

Yeah, I think that worked.

Jackpot. This is the stuff.

Round it up, boys.

It's all evidence.

Maybe we should ignite some of this in the mobile lab. You know, just to see

strong it is. So that no one ever again can smoke this particular weed without

us. Ain't y 'all gonna do the handcuffs now?

You must have a little bit different procedure.

Uh, this is just a verbal warning.

Drugs are bad.

See ya.

Was that widespread panic?

Looks like they got all of it. Again?

Damn it. They didn't get this? Well, hell yeah! Looks like they do. Come on

let's blaze one up. Woo!

I mean, let's destroy it in accordance with local statutes. You're under

arrest. Damn it!

Now hang on now. Even the FDA considers marijuana non -addictive.

Do you know that there's over 435 ,000 tobacco and alcohol -related deaths last

year? You know how many people marijuana killed?

One. One dumbass who tried to hacky -sack a tarantula.

Now, gentlemen, my point is, I urge you to take... Damn it to hell! Sorry,

Danny. What are you, a lobbyist?

I didn't mean to get us in here and everything.

Look here.

Marijuana ain't gonna get us nowhere.

That's pretty damn clear.

But I tell you what, that lemon -scented toilet wine will show you the face of

God! What is this stuff? Is this furniture polish?