Original subtitles

Last time on Squidbillies. You're never going back there.

Well, then ain't the state gonna stop giving us that buddy check?

Wait! Get on back here!

It's wrong the way they took you from your daddy!

And now, Squidbillies. Oh, hey there, Sheriff.

Is it Rusty Money Day already?

I just need to see one Russell Jesse James Kenny the Gambler Rogers number

three, the intimidator Dale Earnhardt Kenny the Gambler Rogers, America's

number one collar.

Oh, he's back there in the master, sleeping at often.

Now, now, let's just get that money check. Hell, this ain't rusty.

It's some dude.

Yeah, ain't got my face on yet.

Sorry, Lil, I was just responding to the mustache.

But just where is Rusty?

Ah! My baby boy is gone! He's missing!

Well, you're right. He's not here. He was took from our home in the night!

Call Dr.

Zell! I'd better launch one of those, uh... Investigations?

I was gonna say flares.

But your idea's better. How will we ever live as well again without him?

Baby Rusty!

Hey, man, these shows got nice weather.

That TV got white fuzz all over it.

Daddy says it's because all the shows are set in the wintertime.

Granny says it's because Daddy drank all that satellite money.

I believe Granny, though, because sometimes the shows happen inside. Shut

shark gargler. Parker, this is your new brother. I have no idea what a shark

gargler is, but I know I don't want to hear about it again in this car.

You will spend the rest of the ride in the collapsible fourth row of seats.

There's only three cup holders back there.

And no iPod dock. Is this getting through? I'm going to get a tattoo on my

with this few mums. You had better not. Wait a minute. Look at that. That's me

up there on that screen.

I'm famous. Look at that. Look at me. That's me. I'm famous.

Hey, what them words say?

It says, welcome to our family, trusty.

Oh, okay.

Kick ass.

It seems like only yesterday.

Yeah, he'd sit on that porch and he'd just be doing, you know, whatever it was

he used to do.

He just kind of stared. He done it every day. I think he had interest.

Oh, how he would exist.

to justification why I should receive a free money check from the government.

Look, look, if anybody's seen the boy, we just ask you to please contact us.

Now, unfortunately, this is the only footage we've got of him.

I can't be getting another. Do it. I've done my time. It's his turn now. He's

the one behind the wheel. Look at that. Who's driving? It's him. He's driving.

All right, Rusty. How much you had to drink tonight?

Sensational. Wait, wait, wait.

Is that my dad? Kids, look away while I find the right programming choice.

Okay. Here. Here we go.

I'm afraid we lost the trail.

Lost the trail.

His grandmother is worried sick. Listen, Early, I'm trying. No, you listen.

I want my baby rusted back. Hey, guys, we don't need to watch TV. Come on.

Let's do something healthy as a family.

Let's watch a DVD.

I'm gonna, I gotta go in the other room.

Going to get some wine? I may have a glass.

Maybe just take half a muscle relaxer with the Chardonnay. So you're not

completely passed out when I have to put the kids to bed. I do work, you know.

This is work? This is what you're working on? Don't touch my laptop. I

important papers on there. Buns and hoses. Food magnets.

Someone sent me a link. Yeah. As a prank.

Because I'm the guy in the office that hates this stuff.

You know, we'd be sad and frustrated as hell, and we'd pound on the computer

every night, night after night, and look here what it spat out.

Findbabyrusty .love. All major credit cards accepted.

We won't rest until that baby boy is found, but we will peace

ourselves.

Because you do not want to step on the golden goose.

Well, look here. I mean, somebody just sent me this riding lawnmower in honor

my baby. And you can't give me no DUI on this. Can I say one more thing?

The only thing that kept me strong night after night, staying up worrying about

my grandbaby boy.

With Python carbonated energy drinks. Shout out to y 'all with Python.

Woo!

Early. Come on outside.

I think I got a break in the case.

Oh, Lord. Well, I don't know that I got the strength there, but... Bring them

cameras and light boxes.

Y 'all see these tire tracks here?

Now, these were caused, all right, by tires.

What's they saying over there?

I'd wager that those tires were on some sort of car that rolled with

them. Oh, it could be a tire swing.

Well, that probably ain't possible, Denny. There'd need to be at least four

trees close to the road for that to happen.

Oh, are you saying they drove off with my baby Rusty in a car?

Pretty sure.

Oh, hell, that don't track at all with my sworn statement about the UFO and the

jet ski ninja.

I sure, I hope.

No more questions. Thank you back.

Okay, off to work. Don't call me. I'm planning meetings all day. Got new

clients. Don't want a thing disrupting them. And I think the phone lines are

down and we got no internet service. I'm incommunicado.

I'll pick up dinner.

He lost his job two months ago.

Oh. He doesn't think I know.

Yes,

I just adopted a baby.

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you. I was wondering, is this the department where

give out the government money check?

The greeny -leaky spending money?

So, uh, what we gonna do out here all day? How tense, Rusty. That sure is a

old box of wine, ain't it? I don't know what it is about you squids. The long

legs just wrappin' around me.

Like a big old friendly platonic. You ever ink on a grown woman, Russell?

These lips are like braille.

I got...

My tears and my eyes.

Yeah, and paradise.

Rusty, if you were here with us, I know that you would like to thank my buds at

Dougal Party's rental emporium, what give us the use of this free karaoke

machine to publicly work through our emotions during this oh -so -difficult

time.

Who's next on the list? Granny!

Be the brick!

Porn!

That don't sound right.

Will somebody please move that damn monitor up?

Honey?

Kids?

Rusty? Daddy, did I say that right?

Oh, my God. Uncle Dirk, Uncle Dirk, what happened? Hey, this is not how this

Uncle Dirk was.

It is way better. I could never have imagined.

Woo -hoo!

He raped me. Send him back.

Back in my old home, when I get in trouble, I get a licking, but not with a

tongue, no sirree. Rusty, do you know why you are in timeout? On account I had

sex with your wife.

That's part of it.

Uncle Derwin, I'm sorry I let you down.

I do appreciate everything you've been doing, bringing me into the city and

getting me a haircut and trying to turn me into a tree -hugging gay married

homosexual. Look.

I know that you've had some trouble adapting to life with us. And, Rusty, we

know what you're going through. Fiona's white. She has no idea what you're going

through. And she's a whore. I want to understand, and I want to help.

Come here, Rusty.

Give us a hug.

Oh, you feel cold.

Here, just put this hat over your head. Hold on! Get in there!

I've got him! Hold him down!

Whore! Hey, sweetheart, you gonna put a scrim on this key light? Get that makeup

woman in here and airbrush me up some abs.

And don't underlight me and fix up the whiskers on my chin.

That's your little six -pack right there.

Now, them gutless people who took my boy, I want them to know that I might be

branching out at any moment into serious dramatic roles.

Look, y 'all, another break in the case.

Daddy? Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Hey, we got sound here. Quiet on the set.

I'm sorry for that rude -ass interruption.

All right, let's go one more time. In three, two... No, I... I don't know when

he'll return, but I just pray that he ain't dead.

I think we got one there. I mean, I was really lacking tape, too. Someone unhook

me here, please.

I think you just go cut away at that point. Hey, lose the sticks. We're

Daddy! Daddy!

Hey, Daddy, I love you. Hold on. We got a plane.

Oh, what?

Is that good?

You've come back, son.

Hey, Daddy.

Daddy. I saw you looking for me on the TV, Daddy, and I missed you something

fierce. Damn, you did not hold up well at all on that HD.

As long as we was on the television set, that's all that matters, son.

Oh, hold this, baby Rusty, and don't never again let us go.

Get a tight shot on this.

Okay, get off. Get off me. Where's that old boy with the Steadicam? Wow.

Probably getting some B -roll out front.

Oh, they ain't got enough shots of the dead chicken yet? Yeah, whenever the VO

says, mired in poverty, they just love to cut to that dead chicken. Hey, look

that deflated snowman. That is symbolic as hell. Shoot that.

Can I say this? Wow. Can I just tell you guys I am so happy to be here? No! No!

The van says go!

Nancy Grace, please.

Early collar.

You know, Baby Rusty's baby daddy.

Well, I know he's back. He's sitting right next to me. Pitch to where are

now? Put me on with Nancy and let me get this figured out with her. Pitch to

where are they now? Fine.

Well, what about we do a, you know, where are they now piece? People want to

know. What do you mean, where are we now?

Well, tell her we're here right now. Well, you did the damn story, right,

Until we get interested again, I'm intriguing now, you damn dumb TV fix.

She is a bitch.

Hello?

Yes, Nancy Grace, please. I don't see no Ferris wheel down there. Shut your

mouth. Don't give me no mess. Put Nancy Grace on the line, please. Thank you.

Wait a minute. Okay, fine.

Tell Nancy Grace I didn't know who to call. My baby Rusty's done gone again.

Wait, Daddy. I'm right here.

Yes,

I'll hold.