Original subtitles

Somehow I got spinal meningitis.

Injecting all that hashbray in my spine.

It's a super cheap way to party.

If you ain't killed some brain cells in some time.

Good luck getting that child support check from me now.

My turn.

Why am I a little bit drowned last night? Come on.

the tram.

The mysteries of the universe.

Soon, they shall be mysteries no longer.

Behold, the colossal subterranean particle accelerator.

This marvel of technology is capable of... I have no time for your puffery.

it make a black hole or not?

Well... Basically, it smashes protons. Yes, yes, I got that. And that's leading

to a giant... What?

A giant understanding of subatomic particles. Yes, but after that,

ultimately, in the end, opening a giant... A window to the

understanding of... Just say it! A hole.

Okay? Fine, I said it. A hole. All right.

Allow me to pose a hypothesis.

Say that, hypothetically, I accidentally slayed a prostitute during an eight

-ball -fueled weekend of debauchery.

I know it sounds silly, but just stick with me. Would this rift in space -time

be a good place to dispose of such a hypothetical and now entirely lifeless

body? Well, yeah, but it would also sear everything in existence down to

subatomic particles. Then you have my interest.

I trust you will keep Georgia on your mind.

So that's your offer for this massive works project? A bushel of peaches? Why?

What is Dothan offering you?

Nine farm fresh eggs. A moron's dozen. Leave it to Dothan. Then it's such

peaches trump eggs.

You, frame out the harlot. And smile.

Uh, based on what I'm seeing here, I think this is going to be a tough sell.

no, no. I've tailored your video to appeal more to the local populace as

drag their jaws through the street like common simians.

Roll it!

You'll like you some science?

Then you're gonna love this.

Folks call me Dr. Horny. You know what that means. I love boontech. But enough

about your mom.

I'm here to tell you about something you'll need in your town.

This here thing's called Dougal County Speedway. It's just one big -ass

racetrack for teensy little stock cars.

It's cool as hell.

Show us your tits.

Let us build one of these in your municipality, and I ain't saying your

will grow an inch, but I ain't not saying it ain't either.

You don't need science for that. It helps me all the time in the bathtub.

Ain't that one of them things that makes a black hole that swallows up space and

time? You know, not even like it, it's taping off. Don't rush to judgment, boy.

In matters of science, you must turn to religion.

I don't understand it. So it's an abomination!

Oh, boy. Here we go. Leave!

Let us rise above ignorance.

Let us embrace modern science.

And let this man build the earth -swallowing black hole.

I don't think they're buying it. Fine, fine, fine.

I hereby declare a period of public comment.

Oh, I want to make a public comment.

It's my turn to public comment.

Uh, Leslie, today I ate me some of them Dell pickles I got. Go now.

Build your whole swallowing machine quickly. Actually, you know what? I'm

some ethical concerns.

You know, if this thing works, it could bring me in. Oh, no, no. I understand.

We wouldn't want to lose any or all of these valuable members of society.

You can spread them on a sumbitching cracker. You know, just melt in your

And their pressing pickle concern.

Delicious. We'll go get those fighting sports.

Okay. What else y 'all hear about me? Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Baba Booey.

Hearken to my words, devil.

We won't know part of your sinful and godless mathematics.

Come out, unholy lasers.

Come out.

Wait a minute.

Holes and lasers.

Oh, I've been saving six years for that treatment. No, sister.

I'm going to hem these curtains up and let some light back into the pelvic

parlor, boys. Hey, you think you can kick my ass with your mouth, do you?

Let's go.

Oh, you're writing something now? You trying to formulate on how you're going

kick my ass? Hey, man, you got them Georgia Tech nerds shaking, didn't you?

on, come and get me. I ain't going nowhere.

You better watch out. He's an unknown funny. My bass times my velocity equals

your ass.

Now,

just so y 'all know, Mr.

Halen says I gotta impose brutal martial law on y 'all if you step out of line.

But life's so short, and if you boys feel like you need to open a can on that

stranger over there, well, just follow your bliss.

Now, we all gonna die anyway when this thing turns on.

How come we ain't smashing stuff up more?

Hmm. That makes sense.

That's right!

I say we race it down hell! It's the wrath of God working through me!

Stop it! Animal!

They know they've got nothing to lose. Fire up your horse, wallower, now!

Yeah, you know, I really wish you wouldn't call it that. Fine! How does

-hogging slut -drain grab you? You think this is the only illegal thing I have

to do today?

Fire the weapon!

Come on.

Work, damn you.

Yes.

Damn it. Come on, hail in here.

down and dismantle it. No, no, that's not how it works, okay? You can't just

shut it down. Oh, that's right. Leave it on, leave it on.

They have bingo bridge.

You can be with people your own age who relate to your interminable story.

It's dark in there. Your eyes will adjust.

Seal it forever!

Dark. Nice talking to you. I have a thing at noon.

Men of science!

You have torn asunder the great good works of the Creator.

Oh, Lord, secretly I've always believed in you.

That is a load, my friend. Oh, God, take me with you to heaven. No, no, no, no,

no, no. I am not your God.

Look, he's my stepbrother. The Lord God has no father who was divorced?

Twice, bro.

That didn't make the book. Don't talk trash about him now. Oh, come on.

You think he's powerful?

Check this out.

Bam!

Alternate universe.

Six days plus a day of rest, one day here.

What up? Do the math, Chinese people. What the hell are you looking at? Hell,

don't know. I ain't quite figured it out. All right, well, who in the hell

You sure got your hell of a lot of questions there, Chinaman. You call me a

now? Hell yeah.

Maybe you ought to come down here and explain it to me. Wait.

How can two...

Filers exist in the same space -time continuum. It's a damn conundrum. Hey,

drink party liquor? Well, hell yeah, I do. Drink hell out of it. Oh,

That's all, mate.

Sucks for you, man.

He was the only one who truly understood me.

Kid Rock, too.

Except a damn midget wouldn't let me near him.

So, your only sit -down restaurant is also your gas station?

What a...

Come on, let's stack mountains on each other or something fun.

Let's turn cows inside out.

How do you live here?

There is nothing to do.

Nothing. Brother, perhaps you were brought unto us for a reason.

Yeah, I doubt this was the reason. What a thrill to see the entire filmed works

of Kirk Cameron back to back.

Quite literally in the right hand of God.

Stepbro.

Stepbrothers, sibling almighty.

I've got to sit you down, bro. My wrist.

Ready for another one, gang?

You know what?

Ow! What's going on here? Kirk! All right.

Hi, Mr. Cameron. My name's Rusty. Did you know that the banana is the perfect

fruit? What?

I'm working in mysterious ways here.

Oh, no!

Oh, wah, wah, wah.

They were crappy movies. I heard that.

Forget this.

Anyone cool, come with me.

Whoa, whoa, Purple, where are you going?

But I'm really cool.

Aw.

Now, why don't you try using your powers to create your own universe?

You know, get a fresh start and everything.

Gay. All right.

Can I have a mini bike?

Uh, how about a slightly used trooper cruiser? Back me up here now, all right?

Look in that way. No, no, no, no. Straight ahead.

And, uh, okay, one... Oh, there we go. Magic. Look out.

I ain't even got my learner's permit yet.

I'll just make it legal. Boy, to do that, you'd probably have to go down to

courthouse.

All right, it's legal.

Woo! I'm a Blake fan!

Woo -hoo!

You're a just and righteous guy.

I worship no other guys before you.

Suck up.

You love God, Lil?

I suppose I'd love him more if I got sick or something.

What the hell does he have that I don't?

Not a thing, sailor. You're a bad boy and I like it.

Yeah, I'm getting a little old to play that card.

When my bro was building this whole universe thing, I'd call him a nerd.

Try to make him mess up by revving my Harley real loud.

It was funny in his tits.

Look at him now.

Look at me.

You own a Harley?

Yeah. Damn!

Where is it?

What the hell's the

matter with you?

Why don't you love me back?

I love pooping.