Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all your friends and

bitches when I go.

My turn.

Hey, old man. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

Well, it was good while it lasted, I guess. But, Sheriff, the Glory Hole is

pride and joy of Dougal County. Fellow found an even older Glory Hole two towns

over. Lord knows I ain't looking forward to telling the tourism board about

this. Such an elegant concept.

A simple, lonely hole to commemorate his glory.

Well, his name could have come up once or twice there.

Well, looky here.

They're going to throw a super gay throwdown here in town.

Super gay throwdown.

What's the meaning of this? Did somebody say they were about to throw down?

Damn it, did they throw down already?

Tell me they ain't already throw down.

Yeah, it's not that kind of throwdown, Early. We're talking about some real

stuff here.

Man on man, hairy baby BDSM, bottoms acting like tops, tops acting like

It's just the whole world gone topsy -turvy. We must act now to turn back the

tide of homosexuality. Now, now, Reverend. They got their constitutional

to get their freak on. Kind of like your hate march every May, you know. Well,

maybe we should do the hate march now and run them out. Oh, that's a

springtime festivity, Reverend.

All them bloody mannequins against the yellow poplars?

Well, something has to be done. We can't stand by and let people do things we

don't approve of. Hell, let them go on back to France where they was born. Oh,

now, believe me, man, I'm as sick about this as y 'all are.

It's gonna take everything I got just to keep my vomit down while I work out

this overflow parking situation.

They can drive cars now?

Oh, hell, they'll spread like a virus.

I voted no on Prop 14.

Yeah, well, that had nothing to do with gay people getting driver's licenses.

Well, what's the one about sterilizing gay people so they don't have no more

people? Well, that was the one that doesn't exist, Early.

Don't give me no trouble now, and I'll look the other way on that meth lab

you're running.

What? Meth?

That's Professor Kyler's liquid miracle wake -up clarification will get thin and

still stereo equipment stay up for four days and lose your teeth, use tonic.

There's a registered trademark, so don't get no damn funny ideas.

Now, this here protectifying layer is going to protect us in case any of them

sodomizers break in here and try to have a sax on us. You know, try to change us

into one of them.

I always thought they was born that way.

No, no, it's a choice. It's a gene. They all got it. They willingly choose to be

discussed in earth and hell.

Now, you think there's a realistic possibility of some man -on -man in

Hell, yes.

Because I don't know if them barriers is going to hold.

Them old boys work out all the time.

It's a game. On the porch.

Hey, y 'all. Damn barricades. We've been breached. Well, that's funny. I was

just coming up here to barricade you guys in. I'd hate to see you get, you

mixed up in any ugly hate crimes downtown.

What the hell, Shep?

Daddy says you ain't doing nothing to stop this gay throwdown.

Rusty, you really think a rock -solid man's man like me will let the gays take

over?

Son, this is a sting operation, plain and simple. I'm gonna smoke them out and

lock them up. Ooh, and some kind of bondage scenario that maybe I could link

on the webcam?

Well, why are you so concerned if you don't mind me asking, Granny?

You wouldn't be homopositive yourself now, would you? No. Damn.

Granny's a gaffer. Thank you.

All these years, using grandpappy as a beard. Shame on you and your

disgustedness. I had babies.

Well, what were you listening to when you conceived them babies?

The indigo girls?

Up here.

You know, you all right, Sheriff.

A straight shooter. You hate what you fear, and you fear what you don't

understand. Hell, the way it ought to be. That's right.

I'm going to get them gays in my hands.

And I'm gonna, I'm gonna work them over.

Lock them up.

Well, jail is the place for them.

Yes, sir.

Gays. And the president.

Uh,

would it be all right if we didn't have that date tonight? See, man, I'm a

little headachy from that wine we brewed in the toilet.

Ooh, looks like you dropped your soap way over here, Seaman.

Let me just, uh, get the oil.

No, wait a minute. It's Seaman's ass, that's who.

Hey, Daddy. Daddy.

I just want one damn shower without the touchy -touch.

Uh,

I was just kidding.

Ow, damn.

Why'd you do that? Because I'm a man.

Yeah, well, early sting operation could get hairy.

Really hairy.

That's why I got the Brazilian here, you know.

Come on, Lil.

Let's go.

Hang on.

I got to put some base makeup on my G -Wart.

Good ask you, Sheriff.

What you want with that bitch?

Yeah, you ain't got to buy the cow.

Milk's free back there.

Rusty, I've always fancied your aunt. Granny, where's my rubber's at? It's

never the right time for me to take her, Corton, you know.

Corton, come on, Lil. We've got to go. It's already started.

Can't we just knock this out of here?

Here, put him on the car. Let's go.

Let the Lord be your top.

Let him fill your heart with the gayness that is his love.

There's nothing queer about loving Jesus.

You know how this works.

You keep the beer and the smokes coming, we'll go out to your car around nine,

do what we do, and you get me home in time for cheaters. Hmm, nobody's here

Yeah, it's early, though.

Hope the word got out.

Look at that virgin.

Yeah, what a freak.

Hey, mama's boy.

I bet he's their ringleader.

The main gay.

I better keep a pretty close eye on him.

Hey, where are you going?

Officer in pursuit. Don't you stick me with this hat. Welcome to our town,

stranger.

Sheriff, what are you doing?

Don't blow my cover.

If this thing's gonna work, I need to walk this disgusting walk of theirs.

He's undercover, Rusty. It's okay to watch.

Oh, we've got him fooled, all right.

Okay, I think the mustache is tangled.

You're under arrest. There we go. For entrapping... Take him down.

...of my heart. What?

You have the right to remain handsome. Anything you say can and will be used in

the greeting card on the date of our anniversary. No! No!

Reverend, get in here and get that gay demon out of here! him before it yanks

him down to the depths of the deepest hell. Oh, queer demon of gayness, show

thyself. Yeah, come on out, you sulfate -free cabernet -drinking doily weaver. I

command you to leave this upstanding officer of the law, thus allowing him to

lead the life of a normal missionary position assuming God -fearing, non

-sinning heterosexual breeder.

Come out!

Come out! Reverend, this is 2009.

Give it a rest.

I

Please, girl, you think I like living in this guy. Honey, the way he keeps me

packed down inside, it's a trauma.

It takes five years before the man will even think about acknowledging me.

There he is, Maude. Todd, what's going on? One day you say you're going to the

fourth ring of hell to play kickball with John Wilkes Booth's soul, and

the last we hear from you.

Mom, Dad, I'm, uh, I'm gay.

Uh, yeah, son. We know.

Honey, the rainbow flag stickers on your miata, the tight t -shirts, the carbo

-loading, the deep dish CDs, your boyfriend that lives at the house and

in the same twin bed with you.

Oh, hey!

I'm just a foreign exchange student from Germany.

Oh, jeez. All right, fine. Todd, our lovers.

In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave this man and return to the fiery

depths! of San Francisco.

Okay, fine.

That's okay, champ.

Your old man was gay when he was your age, too.

You were?

You bet.

But thanks to electroshock therapy, I'm as straight as the erection I currently

have for your mother.

Now, come on, gang. Let's all go home to hell and have group sex to show how

much we love each other.

Well, my work here is done.

Oh, Chef, you ain't gay no more.

Back in line with Christ.

I don't know what all that was about, Rusty, but what I do know is that...

Roger. Roger and I are going to move to Stanford, Connecticut.

Oh, God, they're Yankees now.

No, it's just that it's legal for people like us to drive cars there.

You okay, Daddy?

Yes, Rusty.

I'm in a good place on this whole situation.

While I may not understand or approve of or accept the disgusting lifestyle

choice the sheriff has made, he's moved away now.

Far away from me.

And I've gotten to where I don't even think about it.

How about this one now? Are you out of your mind? Next row. Get that gimpy

fella. What, this one?

Yeah, I can handle him.

Just gotta do a little batting here.

Let's see here.

Sexual preference?

I like women. Cut him down! Woo!

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