Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all your

sons of bitches when I go.

My turn.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

Touch the tram.

Breaker, breaker, horn dog.

Anybody got their ears on?

Yoo -hoo!

Don't be shy, boys. I'm freakier than a lot lizard, and I like to show my boobs

over. Who's that breaker out there?

This is loose Lucy looking for a rag chew with a sexy trucker man.

That's ten -four, Lucy. This poppy dog about to pick me up over the assload of

pine cones over.

How about you drop off a load while you're here?

Run a little convoy down below the beltway. All access roads are wide open

the scales are off, honey. You've got to... I get that you want the sex.

We'll say I'll make a dirty detour and we'll hit you up on the flip -flop on

Amber Alert sign south of 441. You copy me? That's a 10 -4 on that one, fat

buddy.

It's awkward seeing you set up dates like this.

I'm going to get laid if it kills me.

You ever think about meeting someone at church or internet date or something?

Ooh, like that site where they put them fire poppers up your butthole?

Now, that's a good one. No, not that specific site. But why?

That's how I met your great -grandpappy. That woman? Ooh, he loves him a good

butthole. I told you not never, ever, not no, damn, don't never, verbulate

man's name in this house again.

I don't think she said his name.

Some of us were a little too busy banging to exchange business cards.

And don't you go Facebook him on the iBox neither.

Sheriff says you raised him down to hell down at the library.

Yeah, you know I did.

You go strong or you don't go at all.

And also, don't y 'all never not never shoot at no gas cans in the house unless

y 'all in an unventilated area.

Close the windows.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Boo. There it goes.

Come on, son. Breathe in.

Go on, boy.

That's it.

As close as you ever going to get to a damn birthday party.

Happy birthday.

Oh, this is just how your great -grandpapa used to get off.

But back in those days, all we had was horse fart.

Oh, those were happy, happy times.

We was all slaves back then, of course.

And I, well, I was the happiest slave of the bunch.

We slaves used to have happy contests just to see how happy we could be.

The prize was the kiss from Rat Butler.

Oh, Mr.

Butler. Oh, you're so forward.

Put one of them hands on my ass. and the other one around under my ear.

Now lick clockwise.

Oh, Mr.

Butler, I'm not used to this.

Yeah, he had a reputation for sexing up the slaves, and that made the slaves

even happier.

Wow. So Rat Butler is my granddaddy? Well, no wonder I got that smooth

way with the ladies like Rico Suave. Right, Granny? Oh, he ain't your

grandpappy. I gave him a handy by the cotton gin.

He must have been real impressed, though, because all he kept saying was

couldn't believe he did that with me.

Watch

it

now.

Coming out at you.

Taking her back. Taking her back.

Spread the sand. Spread the sand. Take her back. Take her back. Don't wait a

minute now.

You're telling me he was a slave now?

Uh -huh.

A happy slave.

I was the happiest slave.

Glory days.

You betcha. Now, granted, I've only been homeschooled, but wasn't there

something in those days that had to do with racialistic injustice?

Racialistic what you cause?

You know, like when one race kind of gets the upper hand on another and kind

runs with it for a few years and everything?

Not that I can recall.

Guess I was thinking about Canada, huh?

There you go.

Canada.

Big black fella, I recall.

Oh, but don't you dare reveal our family secrets.

Flash boy, this story must be told.

I was having one of my rare off days in the slave field.

So, some days I just feel like packing up and quitting the slaving life for

good. Monday, right?

I said Monday, right? Go easy, go easy now.

Damn it. We all get the blahs.

Some days I can't even imagine having to crack this whip across your bleeding

back and everything. It just seems like, oh, please don't make me go through

that. But come on, let's buck up. It's almost the weekend, isn't it?

I don't know.

And then you'll pull a double. Pick the cotton faster.

Then I saw him.

Dr. Julius Irving.

My great -grandpappy was a doctor? Dr. James. they called him. But he ain't,

he wasn't no medical doctor or nothing. You gonna pick apart my whole story?

That man was a wizard in the paint.

All right. All right, I'll take it. Hell yeah. Dr.

J is my grandpappy. No wonder I got the skills to pay the bills.

Now check out this dog. Oh, no, I gave him a handy jammer and he disappeared.

Something about playoffs and needing to focus and it's been fun. Hey, y 'all

seen them stickers what look like bullet holes?

It doesn't have any real relevance to this. Yeah, I'm gonna get me some of

and I'm gonna stick some bitches on the back of my truck boat truck, you know?

Make it look like I got into some kind of badass gun battle or what have you.

Running from the law.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna go do that.

Your great -great -great -granddaddy liked his decals and banners.

He put them up on water fountains and bathrooms.

So that was my great -grandpappy. I know. That's what I was just talking

Oh, I'll tell you about your great -great -granddaddy, Rusty. He was a fat,

stupid, thieving, hairy -as -crap butt -grabber who wrote rubber checks to

prostitutes.

And guess who caught his eye?

I miss my people!

Cost no $4 .95 neither.

They look almost real.

Anyway, go ahead. Continue your tale.

I'm finished.

Wait, who's my great -granddaddy?

Oh, that. Right.

It was a dark, scary night.

I was out creeping in the graveyard with my old corpse and shovel.

Forgive me, Jesus.

Enough pieces to stitch together a million monsters!

Oh, man, a couple of extra little stitches in the butt.

Grandpappy? Well, sounds like your grandpappy to my memorization.

Yep. He was a smoker.

Smoking from his head and torso.

His feet, beard.

Just about anything that would slam it to us.

Some bitch was on fire, I reckon.

Corpsey, sharp corp, or stank.

Pungent. Well, did he ever like to do grandpappy things?

He ever bounce his kids on his knee or some crap? I do recall him bouncing a

knee off my forehead.

Another couple times he bounced it off my nathers.

Yep, you could say he was a knee -bouncing fool.

Well, my great -grandpappy was just a bunch of body parts all sewn together

it's on fire.

Was it a monster fellow?

Oh, no, no, he's just a friend.

Well, that's a benefit.

Well,

then who was it?

Who was my grandpappy, old woman? Tell me, damn it. Use the knife, son.

Like this?

That's right. Right there in the soft meat. Now tell me, damn it. Do I? Do I

have a great grandpappy? Come on. It was a virgin bird from when Jesus, he came

down. No, no, no, no, no. You do not drag me into this one.

Fine.

Fine.

Your grandpappy was nitro of the American... No, no, no.

You gave me a handjob behind the Eliminator. That was it. The DNA proved

the Jury of Greed. All right, fine, Derek. I told you it's nitro!

I don't know.

How about General Sherman? Would you buy that?

General Sherman?

What now? Yeah, let's go with that.

Well, that mean that, uh, that mean we're Yankees. You saying we Yankees?

yeah, I guess we would be, wouldn't we?

So we did win the war. Oh, yeah.

We won the damn war, baby.