Original subtitles

My oldest son was born in Alabama.

My youngest is stubborn and hard.

The middle one says he's homosexual.

The other seven's gone. I don't know where and I don't care.

I just don't care.

My turn.

Hey, hold on. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

the tram.

Daddy, that new barrel sure gives you more range.

Yep. Should have never sawed the sumbitch off in the first place.

I think I need my walker looked at.

Same thing pulling to the right. Check it out.

Silencer. Them baby birds are going to have to live a life without a mama no

more. Yep, just like you.

Bullseye! I guess I'll hop on down there to the Medicaid.

They'll give me another one.

Hey, see if they'll give you a few of them. I want to give this thing sniper

capability.

Bullseye!

Oh, don't that just beat all?

Come on, man, just give her a ride.

Damn. All right.

Hey, bud, you having some car trouble there?

Nope. It's a high breed.

When it switches over, ooh, it runs quiet. I can't do this. I'm an old

I said it runs quiet. Take a damn left. Let's see what kind of pickup you get in

the mountains.

Yeah, yeah. Woo -hoo.

Get it up. Get it up, bitch. Get on. Get on. Woo. Get on that.

Lord help me, Jesus.

I can't go no further.

Remember, you're pulling the truck.

I'm pulling for you. Oh, hand me that line of gold, Lord.

Check it out. Huzzah!

Oh, why didn't I go Shinto?

Good job, Granny.

I still got a whole quarter tank left.

You one big -ass monk.

Do you come seeking wisdom?

Uh -uh. Oh, no.

I live up here in the fresh air, off the grid. I don't remember asking you.

Now, look at that.

You've done gotten a thunderbolt all over your face.

You stand in the presence of Thunderclap Cherokee Edwards.

But I don't want to talk about that.

I'm a wisdom seeker now.

Hey, do the flies of thunder. Come on, snap her neck. Do it! That was a long

time ago, brother. Come on, I don't see it. No, no, I'm a different man now. She

won't feel fine. Come on, go ahead, do it. I left those violent ways behind.

Come on, do it for me. No, no, brother.

Come on! I couldn't possibly. Do the flies of thunder!

Do you really want to see it? Hell yeah! You know I do! Do you want to see it?

Damn it! I said, do you want to see it? I said yes!

Then the flies of thunder!

We'll rain down from Mount Olympus. Help me.

He's

still got

it. Huh?

What'd you say? What did you say?

I'm trying to live. Are you talking to me?

Huh? You wanted the heat. You got the heat.

But the heat must be hot no more.

Brother, it's not something I like to think about or talk about, but here's

happened. Thunderclap was in Africa grappling at the Give Starvation the

Smackdown Slamathon for Wrestlers Without Borders when the match got

Thunderclap tagged his partner Ubuntu too hard. Too hard!

The repercussions were immediate.

Thunderclap lost his belt and lost the Thunder Hummer to his ex -wife, the less

-than -lovely Thunder Bitch, Beth.

He only gets to spend every other weekend with Thunder Ian and

Okay, Thunderclap. He even lost his Thunder reality show to the living deal.

right, Thunder, Thunder, Thunder.

I get it. Stop with the damn Thunder already.

Damn. It forced Thunderclap to look inward and reflect.

And I reflected with a vengeance.

And I'll tell you this, my brothers.

Thunderclap turned his back on violence.

Vowing never again to harm a human being. Well, to be fair, it's also

you got your ass kicked by everybody.

Fair enough, brother. Belgian waffle.

Colonel Cracker.

Yes. Kiwi.

The shrimp.

The lady man. I remember. The legion of gloom. The raging pappus. Okay, okay.

Firecracker Pete. Tiny Tony.

Give me a break. The vegetable.

That's enough. I mean, I don't know how he kicked your ass, because all you got

to do is pull the plug and you win. All right. He wanted you to do it, but you

tripped over the power cord and broke your damn jaw. That tears it, little

The clouds are gathering.

The thunder is about to break. On you!

It's on!

Woo!

Woo! It's on!

No, no, no! It's on! Come on, now! It's off!

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, hey.

Uh, you got yourself a fight next Saturday.

Wait, what?

I wanted to kick his ass for you myself, but my damn... Some carpal tunnel got

me. Too much blogging, I reckon.

Oh, is he gone yet?

It's up to you, son.

Defend the family name.

You got a fire in your heart.

And you're coming out fighting.

What the hell are you doing, boy?

I'm training.

You're boozing my jerky.

I want to win the fight.

You don't get ready for a fight by training.

To be a winner, you got to look like a winner.

This is the, uh, horse we talked about.

That's the one.

Okay, I have no reason to doubt you. It says here it's made to increase milk

production. But it'll probably work for muscles, too.

All right, son.

Open up your belly button and say, ah.

Ah.

You've got a fire in your heart.

And a needle for the lightning.

You need to choose up to win and stop the...

I can't find my balls.

Balls is a state of mind, son.

Hell, you got more balls than you ever had.

Six or seven little bitty ones. Oh, yeah, they're there.

Damn, not a vein amongst them.

All right, I reckon I'll have to go into the eye.

Call her if I touch the brain, though.

And when the pressure is on and the temperature's high, you're

gonna prove them wrong.

No, go back to that. I like that commercial.

Mr. Rusty.

I'm joking, of course. All proceeds go to me.

Well, Rusty, you really bulked up for this.

All thanks to the Walker Texas Ranger Total Gym.

Over 300 unique muscle building exercises.

Look, you want to see what round this is?

You're going to have to come in with me.

All right, you two. Now, we want a good, clean... You been talking about my gym?

Remember?

Jesus. No clicks, bitch.

Will you sign this? It's for my grandson.

I am your grandson.

Yeah, that's for him. I told you I am your grandson.

Making out the rest of you.

You calling yourself a role model?

My grandson admires you.

Order. Order, please.

I'd like to apologize for any pain I may have caused.

I want to move forward now.

All that's in the past. At least 30 minutes ago. Let's all move on, can we?

Russell, we don't care about the drunk fighting.

It's the integrity of drunk fighting we're concerned about.

Could you tell the court, please, doctor, what you found in Rusty's

back zit pus?

Bovine supplements.

Betrayal! Human growth hormone.

Y 'all damn... Uh,

pretty much, uh, everything at the, uh, pharmacy.

And some vitamin supplements, B12.

And these syringes here?

Innocent flu shots.

His immune system shot the piss cause all them damn roids he took.

Can you read this label for the court, please, Rusty? Let me do it, Rusty.

No. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put an asterisk by your name in the Dougal

County Big Book of Brawls. That is wrong, ma 'am.

Unacceptable. That's like a mark against my son. Well, yeah, early. That's

exactly what it is. But we can make it small.

This feud is not over, would -be seventh grader. All right. But any chance of my

having a sexually fulfilling relationship with a female appears to

enough, Thunderclap.

Thunderclap was wrong.

Thunderclap. Seriously.

Thunderclap wants a second shot at development.

I've heard enough.

I sentence everyone in this courtroom to be there Saturday for the trouncing on

the mountain. There's going to be a lot of geek on the floor. As me, Rui J., the

sagging senior, puts our winless record on the line against Rusty. I

need money.

What money?

There ain't no money.

It's a murder.

All proceeds to no literacy. Only on pay -per -view.