Original subtitles

Get your Yankee ass off my property.

Don't care if the bank gave you a deed.

This one's been kind of lame for generations.

Since we beat back them sneaky Japanese.

In the war of 1812, bring our boys home.

Hey, hold on. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

the trim.

Once upon a time, I had me a tattoo what said Crystal Forever.

But then the fat bitch run around on me, so I changed it to Crystal Whore Ever.

But I decided to work it out for the kids, so I lasered it to Crystal Whore

Never. But then I catch her a -banging the corn dog man out by the tilt of her.

So I made it Crystal Whore, comma, never gonna turn my heart out again.

But she come a -crying back, and Lord help me, I believe her. So I made it

crystal for her, never gonna tear my heart out again, is something I would

said in the past.

But now we're together, ain't nothing gonna stop us now, cause this time it's

for real.

And meanwhile, she's a -whispering sweet nothings into that sumbitchin' tattoo

man's ears.

Fool me once, came on you.

Fool me twice, I fool you.

I cut off my damn legs. Woo!

And that's why you click disability in there.

They didn't draft you to command Operation Desert Storm? Because I wanted

stop with the A -Rabs. Not with old Europe just sitting there with her fat

hanging out like a damn peach.

The end.

All right, son. Lights out. Wait, Daddy. Tell me the one about the copperhead.

Ah, yes.

Once upon a time, a copperhead bit my eye.

Total darkness.

The end.

That's a good story.

All right, son. Lights out. I want one more story, Daddy. Please.

Which one you want? Tattoo or copperhead?

What if you actually read me one, Daddy? Rhett!

From a book?

Don't you knock never talk no damn books under this roof. Knock now, knock

never, ever, no, hell no.

Honey, somebody in this family ought to be able to read.

We're leaving these meds up to chance.

I've been swallowing the blue ones and shoving the big ones up my butthole.

Get that out of your ass.

You know I only do my whittling in the soft white light.

Listen here. Friends don't never not done nothing for not nobody.

I think you mean not nonebody.

Excuse me, not nonebody. Never not no one.

Didn't about no reason, not never. And by God, they never not ain't gonna will.

Now, if y 'all will excuse me, I'll be stepping out to the jiggle hut to get me

some whang dang sweet boom tang.

Oh, you're gonna get a lot of play with that hat.

I seen the colors and I had to steal it. I'm outtie.

You babysit.

Now, about that poo time.

Russell, do you want to help me pray so my diabetes don't take me while I

slumber? Yeah, sure, Granny.

I really dodged a bullet last night. Wait a minute, Granny.

That ain't a book, is it? Are you trying to earn me a beatdown?

Oh, hell, I got a next problem. Oh, come on, Granny, it's just teen people.

Soon you move on to regular people, then Red Book, and the next thing you

know... It's after midnight and you're giggling under your covers with the

sisterhood of the traveling pants.

No, I will not sit here and watch you destroy yourself.

Where are you going, Granny?

What?

I have a condition.

I ship out in the morning. I'm sorry, but it's my duty.

What about your duty to me?

I love you.

Don't say those words. Don't ever say those words.

We'll polish off those krauts and I'll be back in the fall.

We'll have our whole future ahead of us.

Remember me.

Stop glazing your knuckles and get out here.

Hold on. Don't open the door. Hold on. I know it's perfectly natural, but you've

been in there too damn long, so you ain't doing it right. I got to go.

Better not leave no egg food young on the back of that. Okay.

Wait a minute now.

Where are you going with that toilet paper?

Oh, this here? Uh -uh.

Yeah, you might want to wipe with anything up to page 80.

Up to the dog ear? Oh, no. I find that the back pages are the softest. Oh,

You know, around a day or two more. Hey, man, I got a make.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather try a team people or something? No, too slick.

Besides, I've been waiting for this one to come out in paperback.

For paper in my back. Please don't wipe with that. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I ain't

gonna wipe with it.

This ain't fit for my face. Oh, I knew it.

You reading, son?

I guess Rusty's been reading again. I'm handling it. Same thing the curiosity

knows. Simple outpatient procedure.

There ain't nothing wrong with reading.

Why don't you try it sometime?

I did try it.

Green eggs?

Implausible!

Early, it's a children's book.

Green eggs and ham.

And ham?

Elitist! New York Jewocracy telling the countryman how to eat his own breakfast.

I ain't gotta read anyhow.

I got this here college degree to fall back on. Go Seminole!

Daddy, that's a placemat from the University of Pancakes. Well, I only

in hotcakes.

My major was in country gravy. Oh, now, they're just books, people. You can have

adventures like you'd never be able to afford. Like this one here about a

killer that makes his victims into a skin suit.

What color is the skin suit?

Yeah, that's a valid question. Y 'all really need to give it a rest. The book

fair starts tomorrow.

Y 'all come on down.

Dean Coots is reading from his new paperback, Death.

Dead again.

One more time. Okay, then. Sounds like a blast.

Oh, yeah.

A real blast.

All right.

You know, I never know how to quite read you on comments like that. A real

blast.

I guess I'll take it on face value and see you there.

You think you got what I meant about the blast?

about how I focused on blast.

I tried to put blast in quotes, emphasizing the blast.

What did you mean about the blast?

Oh, now I see what you're doing. The blast is the bomb.

Come on now, Daddy, you ain't got to do this. Well, it's black or white with

that one. Me, I don't care to read, so I just don't do it. Geez, I don't like

books. I'm wanting to blow me up a buck's bear. Yep, nitroglycerin. That's

current motif in much of my work.

Y 'all at least write a manifesto. Tell them why you're doing it. So they can

read that? No.

That plays right into their damn game, Rusty. Oh, I got just one word for them

people.

Kaboom!

And with that, the zombie's head fell to the ground with a thickening thud.

Death. Dead again.

One more time.

Thank you. Does anyone have any questions?

So was that zombie actually dead?

Yeah. I think I covered that in the last sentence. Anyone else? In a way, Jesus

was a zombie.

Perhaps if we alter this book slightly, pin the Lord on a frame -feeding... No,

I don't know. My book is a work of fiction. Oh, they've said the same thing

about mine. Okay, it's been great. Thank you, Eric.

Actually, Mr. Coons, I believe we still have the signing to do.

Then you'll take the ankle bracelet off?

Well, we'll certainly discuss it. I'm here to meet Dean Koontz.

I want him to find my bomb.

Got it, yeah.

Metamorphosis is complete, he cried as he slowly ascended to his hovercraft.

Howdy, partner.

Appaloosa Slim!

What do you want from me? They say it's real life. I mean,

that son of a bitch is crazy.

What's he saying?

Nothing relevant. He's a freaking whale. Go save the book fair, son.

Before we part, hold us tight, remote work.

Surely this is not the television. Adventures in your mind.

Guys, I'm starting to freak out. Can someone get the mask off?

I'll do my role later.

Okay. Who should I make this out to? Could you just write, vengeance is mine?

Certainly.

Vengeance is mine.

Hello. Where are you?

Come on.

Let's go.

Damn it. That's the bait. Do something.

Damn it.

Trying to blow this up?

Damn. How'd you find me? I just followed these wires.

Which are strings, and that's not a detonator, it's a bicycle pump.

Oh, Dean Koontz, my budgetary limitations come back to haunt me. You

Black Panthers have published a wonderful series of books on

government. It's got a fully illustrated section on incendiary devices. Well, I

ain't reading it.

Ain't?

Or can't?

Can't. It's my private shame.

It's all right, Hurley.

I can't read either.

Well, what about all them books you done scribbled up? I just randomly type

letters. If a word looks too long, I'll just hit the space bar.

So I'm not alone?

Not at all. If you had favorite authors, you'd know that many of them can't read

either. Mark Twain, Jack Kerouac, Robert Ludlam, none of them can read. Well, if

y 'all want to learn how to read, look no further than good old Sheriff Snee

here.

Bill will climb up the hill.

But where is Claire?

Over the... Over the... Over the... That's right,

Early. Very good. I'm reading, baby. Come on now, Dean. Get you one.

Dean? Dean?

Oh, God, no.

Yay, I saved... a book fair, just like you said to. Yes, you did, and you asked

it alone.

The bed of offices is complete.

Through the hovercraft!