Original subtitles

My oldest son was born in Alabama.

My youngest is stubborn in hair.

The middle one says he's homosexual.

The other seven's gone. I don't know where and I don't care.

I just don't care.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on. Don't touch the tram.

Here we go. Now, everybody watch out. You're going to need an extra couple of

sets of hands to get that thing on board. Now, lookie there. They are

that thing with drive.

Now, this road spurts your 400.

Is it too much to ask for just one flaming pileup?

Another soda, Granny!

There you go.

That is gross, Granny. Give her a handful of these.

What are them? I don't know, but she'll need to chase it with this.

I'll break off a little bit of this one, too, or else she'll be paranoid as

hell. That blue one's gonna make her crazy strong.

So, you better tie her up.

Ah, she'll be fine.

Another soda, Granny!

Come on, wake up now. Let her sleep it off. Daddy, she ain't breathing none.

A man gets to watch one damn race all the way through just one time in his

Daddy, I think we ought to call it 9 -1 -1.

Well, go on then.

9 -1 -1! Right here! 9 -1 -1!

9 -1 -1!

Leo, fetch that respirator.

No response.

Damn bureaucrat!

Hello.

No, I said right at the third stump.

Is that the basher? Hold on. I said the big stump.

I know you think that's big, but trust me, there's a bigger one coming.

Yes, and then the Yui at the dead leaf.

Listen here now.

That sumbitchin' pizza pie better be hot as hell when it gets here. And you best

have the free psycho bread, what come with it. Can we call the doctor on that?

All right, son.

Emergencies only.

Uh, Daddy, what you doing with all granny's stuff?

We all have our own way of grieving, son.

I know you want it this way.

So, let's see. We have...

McFlyed cans of powdered milk. Uh -huh. Provision for a race war. Bertram

centerfold driftwood lacquered clock.

Abandoned in his prime.

And a Burger Lord special edition cock Johnson Jumbo refilled soda mug.

45MT. Was a set of four, but I broke the other three, emphasizing a point to my

boy here. Okay, I see absolutely nothing of worth here. You a damn fool!

Now look at this damn joke on public TV!

Suck it on the federal TV! That's what you're doing! You're doing what I'm

doing!

Wait a minute. What are these?

Them griblins? Please.

Words ain't never done nothing for nobody.

Sweet praise. This is amazing.

It appears to be a correspondence between one Ruby Jean Kyler and

General Robert E. Lee. These letters must be worth at least $300.

Hold on now.

You're going to have to pony up more than that, Hoss. All right.

How about some free Dan Halen brand alger? Done.

My dear Ruby Jean, it was either the giant panda or me. I can assure you that

murdering him was no easy task.

I would be so honored if you were to sew your wedding gown from the enclosed

side.

The beatings we received at the hands of our cruel Negro masters are as unjust

as they are unjustifiable.

For law!

The turkey is good.

Give me some of that. Can I have some of that? I'd love to, but this needs to

last me.

Praise God Almighty for sending an army of our finest space brothers to help us

push back the Union devils.

I dined with them in their most wondrous spacecraft.

You have not lived until you've tried what is called a hutted dog.

My media won't tell you this. That's why you got to look to the blogger. I was

coronated on this day as emperor of these confederate states of America.

Now I'm dead.

My dearest Ruby Jane, I vow to return to you one day and raise you from your

deathless slumber in a lovemaking session the likes of which Dougal County

never seen.

I will cover every square inch of your body in molasses, starting at the tip of

your tentacles.

Okay, let's fight forward.

The torpedo will leave my marimax. More forward.

And I will bomb your fourth sun to repeat it.

I'll penetrate your defenses.

Keep going.

And my bombs will burst in your air. More.

And then my South will rise again and again and again.

More.

Further, further.

Keep going.

All right. There you go. With my tongue.

Thank you for visiting the Museum of the True South.

To learn more about the exploits of General Robert E. Lee and his beloved

Jean, Pay $9 and go through the museum again, but this time concentrate.

Now, proceed to the gift shop and buy a worthless trinket to celebrate your

pathetic heritage.

Thank you.

Granny, Granny, Granny.

Thank you.

Oh, is she still here, Granny?

She's in a better place now, son.

Up there.

By the snack bar.

Wow. I wish Granny were alive to see this.

Let sleeping dogs lie, son.

But Daddy, them letters from that old boy Lee, didn't they say he could make

love to her and break that coma?

Let the sleeping dogs lie, boy. I don't know, Early.

Sounds like a plan to me. Well, let's let them sleeping dogs lie. If we can

raise General Lee up from the dead and have him make some furious love to your

grandmama, well, that might wake her up and get her out of the coma. Well, get

me some. He's right. And we'll put the whole thing on pay -per -view.

We'll pull a three -share.

Oh, some good old crunchy gravy on my bit.

Thank you, now. Thank you.

This thing here says it's Grant's tomb.

Ah, irony.

Go ahead, Sheriff.

Con to the spirit.

I'd like to thank Denise.

Your love allowed me to write this book. No, no, not the acknowledgments.

So you want to learn to raise the dead.

Resurrecting can be an enjoyable and fulfilling hobby.

No, no, it's on page 42.

Look to the mark. I marked it there in goat's blood.

Rise up and make furious love to the sagging, bed -sore -ridden, stinky,

varicose -vein -laden, mole -encrusted woman. I see you hiding down there.

Get on out here.

Aha. Yeah, all right then. How do y 'all know that now? Come on now. You

cornhole my grandmama over there.

About that, yeah.

I grievously regret I'm not yet ready to date again.

I would not be good for anyone right now. It's not her.

It's me.

Hey, ma 'am, but this is your long -lost love, Ruby Jane.

That there is a woman here, yes.

No, I really never thought about it. I ain't never seen her. Uh,

yeah, if you say so.

Son, I've not many a yellow sash fool.

In tally of the fine southern tale I have tagged and bagged.

However, I ne 'er recall a ruby jean. Well, maybe if you just take a closer

over, you'll remember all that love he shared and the chemistry and the love

bond and everything. I think I would recall sheathing my saber into a land

-dwelling cephalopod such as... Is that what that is? So what you're saying,

then, is that these letters are forgery!

Later days.

I should put it together.

The copious references to nature boy Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist

Johnny Cole.

Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkin.

Well, it's my analytical mind!

The granny's faking the whole time?

You know how it is. Somebody gotta get him some strange on a Saturday night.

You reckon we ought to tell the sheriff?

Nope. What's that sumbitch ever done for us?

You have to leave.

Well, I... What do you got going on Tuesday?

You know, I'm probably... I'm bringing some lunch down to the station. I've

already made my sandwich for the week.

Yeah. But I've had a really great time. Maybe we should exchange numbers.

Yeah, maybe so.

Wait.

Don't remember me, bye.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

Go ahead.