Original subtitles

My dreams are all dead and buried.

Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.

When God comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all your

sons of bitches when I go.

My turn.

Hell no. Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come on.

Cut the tram.

Well, lookie there, y 'all.

A blue.

That's a young man. I think they call that dirigible. It is not dirigible.

But a settlement descended from the heaven.

Holy mother of God.

Well, boy, Heidi, look at that. It's kind of stingy. I reckon I'll be calling

chicks today.

Hey there, Mr.

Halen.

Look, I hate to be a pain, but I don't know if you've seen this cloud out here.

It's not a cloud. It's a body spray.

It's called Ice Wind, and it is exquisite. Oh, I know, but... But what?

Well, it's kind of stripping all the flesh off of the, you know, the bones of

the townspeople.

What do you say? That it works better as a diet spray?

Because that's actually a really good idea, but we've already printed the

labels. Damn it!

Actually, I was hoping that maybe you could actually just stop.

Oh, boy, that'd be really great if you could do that. No.

We've already printed the labels.

Is this like a revenge thing, or are you just... mad at me for something. Look,

my male body spray must be tested.

Otherwise, people could be hurt.

Do you want that to happen after the Super Bowl ad airs? Because if you do, I

suppose we could just... Oh, no, no, no. Don't do anything on my account. I

wouldn't want any foes, though. Why don't you just go arrest it if you care

much?

What?

Look, I've got to be frank here.

I've learned that there's no way to stop the cloud.

So, I'm going to have to ask you to maybe not test your body spray

on any more folks, if that's okay with you. You know, I know you're busy and

that, but you're mad at me now, right?

Who wants to be sheltered? Me! Me!

Me! Me!

Me!

Oh, shut up.

I won't make a change.

You like that? Huh? You like it? Hell, I know you don't like it. That's why I

like it.

I don't care.

And now I'm on ink all over it. Yeah, come on over here. Pick it up.

Bank on your hands and raise your fist to the sky.

Damn that squid, you'll say.

I'll smart it again.

And now we're putting a new one in as part of our court -mandated punishment.

Hell, yeah. Feast you to the punch, old man.

Woo -hoo! Whoa, whoa. Hang on, Walt.

Cease the hollering.

Something be amiss. Yeah.

The mailbox is out of my jurisdiction now.

Porch is too.

I'm deputy everywhere from this stoop to, well...

Just this stoop. What the hell you mean, deputy?

Yeah, I report to this fire ant now.

Dan Halen calls my new city Unimportantburg.

But I don't think that's the real name of it.

Does Unimportantburg sell party liquor on Sundays? Oh, you bet. Sure.

Hell yeah!

If we had stores.

But we don't.

Whatever.

I don't control nothing.

Oh, Lord.

Your town sucks.

But, sir.

That's Sharif, thank you.

I'm going back to the old pronunciation.

Well, who's running the town?

Good work, Jenny. You've arrested a fish and your car.

Mm -hmm. Yep. I done it.

Thank you.

Any reason?

Suspicion. Collusion.

That Carl gonna use that white man fast.

Trying to do a robot.

Probably. Jenny, I highly doubt that.

But if that's how you choose to spend your weekend... I reckon I do.

I'm the law.

So I done whittled this so I can get that piece of corn out of my teeth. It's

been bugging me.

It's been bugging me for two weeks. Very impressive. Do you see that cloud

outside?

Uh -huh.

Direct traffic into it.

Because it doesn't make sense to outlaw magnifying glasses, and I won't do it.

I told you, I'm not going to wiretap a piece of watermelon.

I don't give a damn. It's unconstitutional to fruits everywhere.

Well, take the damn piece now, but the badge stays.

It's embroidered on here, you see.

See?

Uh -oh.

Denny, stop the testing.

This has gone too far.

We're practically giving the product away at this point.

Hey, y 'all.

I want to put this guy down.

Hey, guys.

Is that you? Oh, yeah.

Looking good, Hollywood.

Yeah. Put on a little muscle mass.

You know, exercising a little, getting toned up. I like those blonde highlights

and that new tattoo.

Yep. Tribal band.

Barbed wire over here.

Yeah, the designs have finally reached Georgia.

Yeah, but y 'all knew that. I've covered this pretty extensively in my blog.

Daggum, boy, you got you a blog.

Yeah, Sheriff's Riffs with a Z. I complain about things, pretend I'm a

You know, describe my dreams and stuff. Hell, I've even posted art.

Did you know I like training for strongman competitions?

Hell, I didn't either until I blogged about it.

Tag on, boy. You got you a blog.

Y 'all mind if I pull your house down the hill where we're seated?

What

brings

you up this way?

You know what, blog?

I recently blogged an entry about how blogging don't bring you any money or

anything, and how typing each letter brings me closer to starvation.

So you want to know how we survive with no food, ambition, or money?

Where's all the food?

I told you, I'm out. Well, this is where we get it. Damn it. This is a

conundrum. It's like a multi -dimensional M .C. Escher print I bought

college. I need food.

Any way you try to climb up, you're going down.

Second. Hell no, you don't. I told you, it's mine. Shotgun. No. I caught the

bug. I done told you. I get the bug shield during hard times.

According to my records, don't y 'all get a check from the state or something?

The state?

Giving out money checks?

Cash American?

Fundage and such?

Oh, thank God, asshole.

And y 'all just staring to the sun, huh?

Just like this?

Yep.

All day long.

Fits of rage do come and go, but the sun?

Hell, it's here all day.

You see it up there? No, no, I definitely see it. You can't just see

to stare at it.

Commit.

And this is all y 'all do, huh?

Oh, sometimes I'll drive a nail into my arm.

Make sure I still feel emotions.

Some other times I'll drive one into Rusty's arm.

To make sure I can still feel them, them emotions.

Make sure your ass don't get ahead of me.

I'm a heat -stricken squid.

Look here.

Free clouds.

Free clouds, baby. Is that?

I swim.

Get free body spray. No, no.

Get inside, everybody.

Get the hell out of my way.

No, woman, no.

My free body spray. No, Worley, no. She can't have it all. Get back here.

She's wasting it. No, Worley. Sheriff, that cloud's coming over here. What are

we going to do, Sheriff?

Sorry. You're on your own. I told you.

I'm retarded. I'm retired, sorry.

Damn it. I didn't even practice that. But, Sheriff, you're the only one that

save us.

Fetch me some two -ply garbage bags and a roll of duct tape.

I thought of this at the academy.

We call this a hillbilly hazmat suit.

Rusty, tape over my nose and mouth so none of that noxious gas can get in.

I will attack the cloud from below.

I am starting to feel very lightheaded.

I will now stop talking.

To preserve what remaining energy I have to get out of this booth.

Look, Betty, the wind.

It switched directions.

Crisis averted. Our collective ashes are saved.

Hey, Daddy, look at that. He's trying to scratch another dirt.

Oh, two.

Oh, two. Zero.

Oh, two. Two. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you ain't one, too? Hot damn, he's a Van Halen fan.

Me, too, Sheriff. Hell, yeah.

Van Halen kicks his damn ass.

Russell Donnie, don't say ass on this here property.

From the mouth of babes.