Original subtitles

Welcome to Horrible History.

Horrible Histories presents Kings and Queens, a right royal special.

Hello, loyal subjects.

King Rattath here with a special look at some of history's best and worst kings

and queens.

And let me tell you, it's not easy being a monarch.

Your bath is ready, Your Majesty, and the feast will be served at ten. All

right, so it's not all bad. But it can be really tough, and hard times can

even before you take the throne. Just ask Marie Antoinette.

Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today. I'm famous French

hairdresser, Pierre Lassenel. And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux. And we

are here to collect an Austrian princess.

Say hi to the viewers.

Hello. This princess knows she's headed to France to marry Prince Louis, who's

going to be king one day. What she doesn't know is how much the French

will hate her if she looks Austrian.

What? They literally won't let her into the country looking like this. They'll

rip her to shreds. Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement.

So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French.

Now, I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette. But that is not my name. My

name is Maria Antonia.

Not anymore.

We're changing it to Marie Antoinette. It sounds more French. Future Queen of

France? Let's dance.

What is going on with this air?

You've got to scrape back so far. It's pulling out the roots and clumps. Well,

it's very fashionable in Austria.

That explains everything.

At the moment, honey, this forehead gives me a sore head. OMG, you are so

That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you, I painted what I wanted to

see, not what I did see. She is so fresh, so fly, so French.

Doesn't look anything like me.

Exactly.

So good. Thank you.

Wow. It's magnificent.

I know. Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again. But

after we fix your disgusting Austrian fangs. Look at those jagged little teeth

pointing out all over the place. It's like, guys, pick a direction.

So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile. And

would take is some light dentistry.

Using these state -of -the -art metal tools.

Ah, won't that hurt?

You won't feel a thing. Oh.

Because you'll feel everything.

We don't have pain relief.

Open wide. Let's make your dentures all Frenchers.

When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no -no -nonia. But Maria Antoinette

très chic.

She's glamorous.

She can barely move her mouth after agonizing dental surgery.

But she is. It's for France.

Oh, so what do you think of your transformation? Are you happy?

Oh, she's speechless.

And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince.

Yes, queen.

This is the happiest thing of my life.

Let's dance.

Yeah,

we probably should have worked on our dancing, too. Definitely.

Please, just stop. You're embarrassing everyone.

Oh, it ought to be Marie Antoinette.

But totally amazeballs to be me, King Henry VIII.

Good times.

But you know what the best thing about being king is? Having a loving,

supportive, uncomplicated royal family around you who have always got your

no matter what you do.

At least, that's what I've heard. I mean, my family's nothing like that.

Yeah, first few days with a new wife, things seem to be going well.

Jane, something.

This is my third and final wife. Henry VIII and his three wives, people will

say.

Oh, big hug.

You know what would be, like, really, really amazing?

Yeah? Getting the whole family together for, like, a big kind of get -to -know

-you party.

Really? Will there be food?

Yeah, sure.

Brilliant idea. Yeah, invite everyone. Hey!

Idea!

Jane, quick, get in.

Stepmother dear, why don't you let me send out all the invites to the party?

sorry! That's so sweet of you!

Do you know what? I was actually a tiny little bit concerned that you might be a

bit angry at what with Henry saying that you weren't a princess anymore.

I know, I does.

That's all ancient history.

Yeah! You!

Hands in for family!

One, two, three, happy family! Happy birthday!

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Family's all here. Food's all here.

Bonsai!

That's it.

Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.

Really?

Jane's here. Hello.

You're here. Elizabeth is here. I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up

I... Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No offence, girls. They were your mums.

But we're not all your children, are we?

Henry Fitzroy in the house!

Hey, Dad, I got the invite.

Well, I did say I'd invite everyone, didn't I?

Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son. I wasn't married to his mum, so he

can't be king, although he is awesome.

So if we don't have a son, then I'd want him to be king over the girls. Again,

no offence, girls.

That's it.

But still not everyone.

Really? We're just getting started.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Thomas Stookley.

Stookers! So, I knew Thomas Stookley's mum.

Quite well.

Oh, very well, actually.

I mean, it's pure speculation, obviously. I mean, no one can be sure.

Shall we eat?

Don't get too comfortable, Daddy.

I've just started.

It's Catherine and Henry Carey.

Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousin. Or, potentially, half -sibling.

Two of them!

This is going to be a really long evening for me.

Everybody knows I went on a couple of dates with Amberlyn's sister Mary. It's

not a secret.

Also, sorry, how do they have beards? They're 11 -year -old children, and one

them's a girl.

The glue -on beards were my idea.

Nice touch, don't you think?

Well, this is nice.

Shall we eat?

Mm -mm.

Oh, look. It's Audrey Malt and John Perrow.

How many children do you have?

Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.

I may have had a few... Lots.

Lots of kids who can't technically be royals because I wasn't married to their

mums. And I may have disinherited Mary from her right to the throne, and I'm

going to do the same to Elizabeth, probably.

But does that all really make me a bad dad?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Do we?

So nice to meet you all.

Greetings.

I am King Aethelstan. I was considered the first king of the English.

Right! Give me that! Oh, but that's my axe.

I was also the adoptive father of the young Viking king of Norway, Harkon.

Harkon, put the guard down!

Fine. Oh!

But how did I end up adopting lovely little Harkon?

Was it A, the Vikings threatened to kill me if I didn't, B, I captured him by

accident in a raid, or C, some Vikings put him on my knee during a visit?

The answer is C.

Those crafty Vikings put him on my knee when I wasn't expecting it, and under

the custom of Kniathitcha, I had to adopt him. Fire!

Harkon's dad thought he'd insult me by making me raise his son for him.

Well? Joke's on him, as I really like little Harkon. Fire again!

Oh, come on! He's firing arrows!

The best thing about being a royal is you get to make up the rules.

Like my one, banning soap.

Hashtag living the unclean dream.

But I'm not the only monarch to make up new, weird and wonderful rules.

And in the past, they've been a lot stricter.

You killed my cousin. Therefore, your life be forfeit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

You don't need to swing axe.

You need to chill axe. Am I right? Huh?

I'm King William, yeah?

Winner of the Battle of Hastings. And as the new king, I get to make the lord

now. You feel me? He's a murderer, though.

And would more killing really be the answer?

Do we have to be those guys?

Wouldn't it be better if we could find another way?

It would. It definitely would. Oh, yeah, big surprise you're saying that. This

guy, he messed up big time.

But are any of us perfect?

It's not really the point. He murdered... Okay, I feel a new law

the first Norman king of England, I proclaim the end...

Of the death penalty.

Oh, yeah, boy!

We will find better ways of living our lives.

Right, thank you, everybody. It has been intense, but, uh... Whoa!

Where are you going?

I thought we were done.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting you go. No way. I'm going to poke out

his eyes and chop off his dangly bits.

Eyes and dangly bits. Wow.

A bit extreme.

He'll die anyway, won't he?

Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely be slow and painful.

Well, that's OK. I'm going to go back to the straight execution.

He's comfortable with that. I'm fine with that. Ah, no executions. We are not

monsters. OK, start with the eyes.

I can't do this. I just feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. Whoa.

You know, I'm so touched.

You thought you could say that? Not enough people say no to the king. I

we're all getting a bit hot -headed when men get in a group and we just kind of

go a bit crazy. Yeah.

Unfortunately, I am going to have to find you guilty of disagreeing with the

king. So, punishment.

Maybe I'll chop off his hands.

Chop off his hands for disagreeing with the king.

Psycho! I'll chop off my hands. Uh -oh, more disagreement.

Better lose the feet, too. You can't do this.

I'd stop arguing at this point. And his nose.

Why?

No, it's a good shout. At least you get to keep your dangly bit. OK, guys, we

all good?

Isn't this a much nicer way of doing things?

Absolutely not.

People are going to love my new laws. They're so much more civilised.

Right, chat?

Right. Hands up, who was the eyes and dangly bits?

Chop, chop.

Attention, people of the Zulu nation.

Our warrior king, Shaka Zulu, has some extremely sad news.

My mother Nandi is dead.

Not only was she an excellent protector, but she was the best chief advisor, a

marauding Zulu warrior king could have asked for.

As such, I am commanding.

That everyone in the Zulu kingdom will enter a period of mourning.

And that is the end of the announcement. And in honor of my mother. Okay,

there's a little bit more. I decree that during this period of mourning, all 20

,000 of you gathered here will wail for hours on end. And I want proper tears,

none of these fake tears. Like, oh, no, I am sad.

I want everyone to cry hard.

And two, they are dehydrated.

And how long would you like them to mourn for, Shaka? A day or two days?

One year.

One year?

Anything less would be a disgrace to my poor mother.

And that is the end of the announcement. And also... Really, more?

No one is to plant any crops during this year of mourning.

Shaka, that seems a little extreme. What will the people eat? Excuse me.

Did you not hear that my mother has died?

And all you can think about is food. Show some respect.

Well, you are the king.

And that's this end. And also.

No. He's still going. I want all the milk cows across the nation slaughtered

so all the cows can feel the pain that I am feeling right now. Okay. Maybe let's

just, you know, dial this back a little bit. Don't worry about where you will

get your milk. And everyone is banned from drinking it in honor of my mother.

Why is no one wailing? The year -long period of mourning started five minutes

ago. Ah.

Ah, you call that wailing?

Yes. Yes,

yes. That is top -notch wailing.

You are going to kill him for this and take over, right? Yeah, like almost

immediately. What did you say?

Nothing.

Yes, that's it. From the diaphragm.

When a king or queen comes to the end of their life, surrounded by their friends

and family, or in Shaka Zulu's case, brutally murdered by them, there has to

a plan for who's going to take over and how they're supposed to rule.

But what's expected of them can sometimes be unexpected.

Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward has battled hard in his fight against

dysentery.

But he does not have long left.

He wishes to speak with you.

Yes, Father.

What is it?

Son, my time is close at hand.

I want you to promise me one thing.

Of course, Father, anything.

I want you to continue my war in Scotland.

Are you sure? We're not doing very well in the war.

This is my one dying wish.

Yeah, OK, of course. Sorry.

hate the Scottish, son.

I know you do.

Father?

Father!

He's gone.

There's one other thing.

Yes, Father, what is it?

When I die, I want you to take my body. Of course. And I want you to boil it so

that all the flesh falls off.

Boil it. Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground. OK, right. But

preserve the bones separately.

Keep them out.

Sorry, Father, where do you want me to keep your bones? Just somewhere

convenient. Like a chest, maybe.

Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you want

to keep your bones somewhere convenient?

So that when the Scottish rebel again... Which they will.

You can go out to Scotland with my bones and ride with them into war.

OK, yep, I do regret asking that, actually.

As long as you have my bones with you, son, you can never be defeated by the

Scots.

I can feel the light fading.

I'm passing.

Tell my people I died as I lived.

What, hating Scottish people and passing?

Father?

Father!

He's gone.

How is he still farting when he's dead?

Sorry.

It was actually me.

It's 1586 and Queen Elizabeth has no children to succeed her.

So it's time to search for England's next king or queen.

Welcome to England's Got Monarch.

Let's meet the judges. The Queen's advisor, Robert Thistle.

Our head judge, Queen Elizabeth. And my master, Francis

Walsingham. Right, let's get this over with.

The first of the Queen's possible successors to audition is Philip II of

So, what are you going to do for us today? I am going to destroy the Church

England and restore this country to the Catholic Church.

I'm also available for marriage, if that makes things simple.

No,

I don't think you're right for this country. It's a no from me.

It's a no today.

But it'll be a ah, ah, si, si when I return here in a year with my Spanish

Armada.

I mean, just a terrible attitude.

Our next suitor believes he has a stronger claim to the throne.

Henry Hastings, my great -grandmother and my... Oh!

...mother's child was a distant relative to the Plantagenet

kings, I think.

Next,

someone with an even better claim. It's Elizabeth's cousin and the great

-granddaughter of Henry VII.

Mary, Queen of Scots.

Who are you? And what do you have that the other hopefuls don't? I am Mary

Stewart and I've been plotting your downfall. I mean, I'm dreaming of being

Queen of England since I was a little girl.

I already have lots of experience because I've been the Queen of Scotland

the Queen of France.

Oh, and are you working as a professional queen at the moment? No.

Because you've had me locked up in a castle for nearly 20 years.

Oh, yes.

You tried to have me deposed and killed several times.

No, not after.

I can't remember.

Every time.

It's fair to say it's not going well, and the judges are almost ready to give

up.

But there's one last hopeful trying to become England's next monarch, Mary,

Queen of Scots' son, James.

Hi, I'm James VI, and I'm King of Scotland.

Didn't we just have a Queen of Scotland?

Oh, my mother. And how do you feel about the fact that I have her in prison?

It's just nice of you to put her up.

Oh, there's also a chance that I might, probably will, have her executed at some

point. Tough at the top. Oh, I like you. How do you feel about Catholicism?

I'm a Protestant, baby.

Oh!

Lizzy likey.

Oh! He's done it! Say hello to King James I of England. Well done, mate.

I can't believe I'm going to be King of England as well as Scotland!

Well, maybe. Frankly, I'll probably leave the final decision of my courtiers

once I'm dead, but you enjoy that moment.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to be the Ingress King.

Go you!

James did indeed end up also being the English king.

Now, sometimes people thought their kings or queens were such a pain in the

that they tried to get rid of them. When Guy Fawkes and his gang tried, and

failed, to do just that, King Jimmy wanted to remind everyone of Guy's epic

fail. Every year.

Forever.

Bang! Ha ha ha, the fun we had. This is Jimmy on the Street.

I'm James I, or Jimmy VI, if you've caught it. And the best day of the year

finally here. The 5th of November, 1606. The day we all celebrate me still being

alive.

Cheer, Robert.

Yay. Yay!

My advisor, Robert Cecil, here is right to cheer. What a day!

You, if you could say one word, what would it be? No one cares. Okay, come

Oh, you, unnamed female, what are you doing?

Uh, building a bonfire.

Why? Because you ordered us to celebrate.

Well, what are you waiting for?

To burn everything.

To celebrate me not getting burned. Yes, one whole day to reflect on what an

absolute blessing it was that I didn't get bumped off by that mean old guy Foch

and his wee pals. And that is today, the 5th of November.

Should be the 4th, really.

But you've got something to say, Cecil.

Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered on the 4th of November, so technically we

have celebrated yesterday.

Is there a day to celebrate you, Robert?

No, Your Majesty.

No, there isn't. Well, there is for me, pal, and that is today, the 5th of

November.

Which way? Which way, Cecil? No, this way.

What about you?

Oh, you're too wooden.

First!

It's just going to keep getting bigger. I'm picturing gun salute, bell ringing,

you know, mayoral procession. And in July, Christian of Denmark even brought

a firework which we let off in celebration. Tell them about it.

It was broad daylight in the middle of July, so when it went off, no -one could

really see anything.

Which made it all the more impressive.

He's not wrong! So many chances to celebrate your faith!

Me, the 5th of November. Don't forget that date.

Expecting people to be celebrating that date for many centuries to come.

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

That's stupid. That rhyme could literally apply to any day in November.

It could be the 4th of November.

No. You!

Celebrate me more!

Why is that on fire? Everything should be on fire!

sorting out the beefs of the past. Pharaoh Kaput, don't tell me how to run

great courtroom. I don't tell you how to build a great pyramid.

With the justice of today.

Although pointy -thighed up, just say.

Welcome to Time Beats with Judge Rinder.

Empress Dowager Serchi of the Qin Dynasty China is going up against her

and royal rival, Queen Victoria, regarding a rebellion taking place in

1899.

Right, now, you might be the combined rulers of over 800 million people, but

this courtroom, I'm in charge.

Now, Empress, what's the issue?

We're having a slight disagreement about how her country won't stop invading

Mars. Oh, here we go.

Uh, talking!

Shh!

It all started with the boxers. Oh, I love boxers. Let's get ready to render!

No, no, no, not that kind of boxer, babe. The boxers are a secret society of

people in China, and they've started a rebellion.

Now! Britain is using that as an excuse to invade.

Ha, ha, ha.

Classic us. So, I send telegrams to Queen Victoria, reminding her of our

connection. We're both older leaders ruling over vast populations.

No, she is obsessed with me. Apparently, she has a portrait of me in her room.

But she's a small one.

You see?

Well, at least I run my empire. You have hardly anything to do with your

country's decisions.

I am just as much of an empress as you are. Then will you stop invading? My

country and stealing things. Oh, how dare you? I do not steal things.

Oh, yeah? Tell them about the dog.

What about the dog? Well, your lovely industry, one of my returning soldiers

brought me back a darling little Pekingese from China, which, it just so

happened, had been looted from her palace.

But how was I to know it had been looted?

They called the dog Looty.

Baby,

she likes playing the lute. She stole the dog from me.

I want a dog from her. What? Give me.

Right, we're obviously not going to sort this out today. I suggest we adjourn

and come back tomorrow.

No, soz, babes. I'm not available tomorrow.

Why on earth not?

We're evading China.

Unbelievable.

Well, it's almost time for me to hang up my crown and step down from the throne.

Although, I'll always be king of the floaters.

Not every king can say that with confidence.

The flagships belonging to King Henry VIII, Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus and

King Henry I all sank rather spectacularly close to where they set

that certainly didn't float the king's boats.

But don't take my word for it. Here they are to play us out.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at that boat.

Isn't that boat the white ship? King Henry's son, William of Delon, is on

that boat.

We sail big boats. But they made us cry.

The survivor of the wreck told I. The white ship went down with the air to the

crown. The ship hit a rock and a leak. Got sprung.

Because they took a chance when they sailed home from France.

They set off in the dark.

They thought it was a lark.

The crew were drunk. My air got sunk. Didn't make it to shore. Now there's

to be war. Hey, nobles. Yeah. Nobles. Yeah. Who'll be king now when I die?

I use big boats when I fight in France.

But we wanted too much of a chance.

The Mary Rose got binned when she turned in the wind. The water poured in and

she got socked. The gun poured quite close.

She's got holes.

Lucky like a no -leaf clover.

When the ship tilted over, she went down 400 drowns. But the French Armada, they

achieved nada.

Because we've got other boats.

Yeah. Boats. Yeah. We like big boats. Yeah.

Yo, yo.

MC King Gustafus' office on the deck.

Well, on the deck.

A boat, big, most of it's written on the map.

The first horse in the crowd began to clap.

The water was a butte. Costas were aloof.

One gust of wind, and she got sunk.

Eret, when it was built, made the ship he was built.

Its hatches fit the thunder, and the water dragged her under.

Would it help us rule the seas?

But we're sunk by gentle breeze.

As the world stood and watched, they saw our plans botched. Hey, you!

Yeah? Did you see the boat go down?

Yeah? Fancy pretending it didn't happen?

No. Worth a try.

I had big votes, but they made us cry.

I hoped that things would arrive.

The memory makes us wince, cause our ship took a rinse. We're legends ever

since, cause each ship got...