Original subtitles

HORRIBLE HISTORY

Greetings, friends.

Tis I, Luman, the King of the Khazi, the Lord of the Lab, the Baron of the

Bogbucket.

That'll teach me.

Thought I'd emptied it. Yes, this is Luman's Growth Guide to History.

Who are you, you might ask?

Well, that's very rude of you.

Still, every superhero has an origin story. And this is mine.

That dinner was the life. Well, you certainly enjoyed yourself.

Not sure three old pints of cabbage was a good idea.

Oh, well, it's not every day you get to visit the... Oh, dear.

Look, you're just going to have to hold it. I don't think I can hold it. Well,

it is, friend.

It is I, Blue Man, a .k .a. the Kate Convenience, a .k .a. the Walking Water

Closet, a .k .a. the Living Little Boys Room.

I come when people need to go.

Whatever. Gangway.

Excuse me.

Do not use the cake to wipe on.

Use the duck rag provided.

Unbelievable.

Thank you.

Whoever you are. I told you, I'm loo man.

You bill?

Oh, didn't realise there'd be any charge.

Do you think people do this for fun?

Much? That's daylight robbery.

Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher. Do not reveal my secret identity.

It's not much of a secret. People can smell you coming a mile off. Look, he's

charged us a shilling to spend a penny. I think you'll find I didn't do

anything, officer.

Didn't do anything?

What is that, then? Where did this come from? A poos falling from the sky.

That was in there when I went in. Hey, look, it's still warm.

You're coming with me.

Overcharging again.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Keep the change.

I might be in here a while.

Have you got a bigger bucket?

Yeah. I really went round London with a bucket of other people's flops dangling

between my legs.

It was living.

It's no wonder I developed an interest in the grosser side of life. And all I

learned is contained here in my log book.

And where better place to start than the bottom, my favourite artist for

Nathan's painter, Peter Bruegel, liked to include bums and poos in his

paintings. Who wouldn't? Well, you're not going to believe this, but some

actually complained.

Get a life, mate.

Are you Peter Bruegel, painter of the famous picture Netherlandish Proverbs?

I am. Would you like me to sign a copy? No, I would like to register a

complaint.

My husband bought this painting because it looked like a nice picture of a

typical Dutch neighbourhood.

I am very pleased with it.

And then one afternoon, an elderly friend spotted that.

The man pooing out of a window?

Yes, there is a man pooing out of a window. Just so I'm absolutely clear

are you asking why there aren't more people pooing in the painting?

Of course not.

Because I do usually add a lot more bums. I did one of a school once where

were just bums everywhere you look. Actually, I've got a copy here, if you

to see it. Oh, no, I don't know. I do not want to see bums everywhere I look.

Well, then this is the perfect picture, because you have to look right here to

see the bum. I'm starting to think you might have an obsession with painting

bums. Excuse me, I have no such thing.

Hi, there.

I'm here to pose for the bum painting. Oh, yes, just over here. Oh, great.

What? Mr.

Bruegel, I was wondering if you were wanting both cheeks or just the one?

Or, you know... Decisions, decisions.

I tell you what, why don't we do just the one, but side on. Okay. And if you

just squat for me. Oh, like this? Yeah, exactly, and just really look like

you're straining.

Ooh, someone's done this before.

This is disgusting.

Bottoms are important, madam. They help me show my criticism of society.

It's outrageous.

Well, you know what they say.

If you can't stand the bum, then stay out of the place where they paint the

bums. Nobody has ever said that.

You may as well be talking out of your... Bottom?

Now who's upset?

Good day.

Some people just don't appreciate art.

Oh, sorry.

Never apologise for artistic expression, my friend. Although, you might want to

open a window.

That is a wreck.

Let's be real, yeah?

If you've got a bum, there's a good chance stuff is just going to come out

it. That's just physics.

But where do you do your doo -doo? Well, that's up to you.

And there's a whole page on it here in my logbook.

If you're lucky and I'm around, you can use my bucket.

At a charge. If not, you might have to improvise, like Alexander the Great did.

One of history's most successful military commanders, he was undefeated

battle. This was a man who could think on his feet.

Well, at one time, he nearly pooed on them too.

It's 329 BC, and Alexander the Great is seeking to expand his empire further

into Asia.

For Alexander the Great!

You guys, uh, carry on.

Oh, no.

What are you doing, son?

Nothing. Carry on.

All right, son.

As I was saying, for the Macedonian Empire!

Sorry, sir, what was that?

What was what? You running off mid -battle. Is this one of your brilliant

strategies? Uh, yeah.

Sure, yeah. Like that time we were fighting on a day that the calendar said

unlucky. So you changed the calendar!

Huzzah!

What's your brilliant strategy this time? Are you meeting with secret allies

behind the book? Are there hidden troops back there? No, no, no.

Just part of my secret hidden strategy.

I feel another structure coming.

Carry on fighting!

It's OK.

I'm fine.

We all heard the poo noise.

Even we heard the poo noise, but we're on the other side.

Oh, I'm fine.

Look, I didn't want to tell you guys, all right, but I may have drunk some

water because I've got, like, a teeny bit of diarrhoea. Oh, no.

Ew. Don't overreact. I knew I smelt something when we were crossing the

You said it was just funny smelling mud.

Oh, it's like a waterfall coming out of my bum. Oh, come on.

Men, the Scythians are retreating. The day is ours.

Huzzah!

Come, let us embrace.

Actually, I think I lost my sword somewhere, so I'll probably go look for

Well, we're here among the dead. Come, let us search together.

Actually, I've got a huge battle tomorrow, so I might have an early

I was washing my hair anyway.

No.

It really doesn't want to shift today.

I said yes. I heard, Your Majesty.

It's just air.

It's all that meat I ate. Perhaps the new cushion is affecting your...

performance,

Majesty.

Swans down toilet cushion is super soft, like pooing through a cloud.

You should get one fitted to your private toilet.

I don't have a private toilet, Your Majesty.

Oh, I forgot.

I have a private toilet because I'm the king and you... What is your job again?

I'm groom of the stool, Your Majesty. I'm responsible for your personal

and... Toilet. Oh, you're not doing a very good job, are you?

Still stuck!

Why don't you just try and relax, Your Majesty?

Think of something that calms you. Where do people like you go to the... toilet?

Well, many of the courtiers and servants simply use the great house of easement,

which can feed up to 14.

Well, that big, sticky block all the way down by the moat. Yes, Your Majesty.

What do you do when you just need to tinkle?

Oh, many just tinkle against the wall.

Yes, I've heard about that. It's a disgusting practice.

I've had my people chalk crosses on the walls. No one would pee on a religious

symbol. Oh, those are religious crosses.

I thought they were just targets to aim for.

Well, they're not. You know, like an archery.

Archery!

I think that shifted it, Norris. I never feel more relaxed than when I'm down

the archery range.

Good man.

OK, wipey, wipey. And be thorough. This archer's taken a wide aim.

Something the matter, Norris? I mean, you can quit this job whenever you like.

On the contrary, Your Majesty.

This is one of the most sought -after jobs in the kingdom.

Personal time with our king is rare and precious.

True. That's why everyone likes playing tennis with me, too.

Oh, I think tennis might work, too, Norris.

Henry the Sir!

My word.

Talk about a dream job.

Imagine being that close to the seat of power.

Yes, wind might have been a bit of a problem for King Henry, but there have

times when having a build -up of blow -offs wasn't all bad.

That's a strong one.

I forgot it was a prop -up book.

Come on.

Here we are. Yes, a story from history where a visit to the air buffet served

important purpose.

Fearful of an uprising, Pharaoh Aprys has sent his special envoy Ptabimus to

order the rebel leader Amathis to surrender immediately.

Amathis, you go too far.

How dare you lead this revolution against the true Egyptian Pharaoh Aprys.

He will crush you and your army like the insects that you are. Unless I can

convince you to lay down your weapons and surrender.

Then perhaps he may be merciful.

I have but one message for your pharaoh.

What? Take that back to your pharaoh.

Sorry, take what back to my pharaoh? You want me to repeat myself?

No problem.

You dare to pass wind in front of the representative of the pharaoh?

Yes. Stop that.

No. Stop it.

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Please, if I do not return with you, the pharaoh... The pharaoh will cut off my

ears and cut off my nose for my failure.

I mean, that's probably for the birth, given how bad this one smells.

That does it. You have made a powerful enemy today who will rain vengeance down

on you like... Oh, no, that one just reached me.

Oh, that is vile.

Oh, you're an animal.

You need to see someone.

Come. Let's move quickly.

I need to change my pants.

Henry VIII in the house.

Now, I love coming up with new rules, but did you know I once had the law

changed because of soup?

Mmm, soup. It's nutritious and delicious.

Now... In 1531, the Bishop of Rochester's cook, Richard Roos, said

joke, he'd put something in the bishop's soup which would make anyone who ate it

poo a lot. Hilarious!

Unfortunately, 17 people were taken ill and one woman actually died.

Turns out he'd poisoned them by mistake.

So, after this, I had the law changed to classify poisoning as treason and

punishable by death.

But how did I decide the poisoners should die?

Was it A?

Eat poison soup until they poo themselves to death.

B, boil them alive. Or C, chop off their heads.

The answer is B, boil them alive. And that's what happened to Ruth, all

he tried to make poo soup as a prank.

Who's that?

Probably the dog.

Laters, Rule Breakers.

People always say to me, Luman, you have the grossest job in history.

And to those people I'd say, yeah, you're probably right.

I'm just a man with a bucket of poo and a dream who's made the best of his

opportunities.

But you know what?

I'm not the only one who earned a living by doing disgusting stuff.

Every time.

Whether that was dealing with getting Egyptian kings' bodies ready for the

afterlife or creating some of the greatest and grossest stories of all

there's always someone ready to carry the care.

Oh, the back there. The back there.

I've just got to empty it, really.

This summer, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents your favourite fairy tales as

were originally written, including Snow White.

Hot man!

Hey, hon.

Hey, hon.

Let's go and hide. Let's run.

Because if we don't run, it'll be no fun when the queen eats your liver and your

lungs. Wait, what?

That's right. Just like in the original book, this queen wants to eat Snow

White's lungs and her liver.

Ah, this is a family film, right?

Yeah, I mean, the stories do still have happy endings, like when Snow White gets

the better of the evil queen.

Now that matters have been settled, I have shoes of burning metal because of

things I did and said.

They'll make me dance until I'm dead.

Dancing till I'm dead.

The floor burning where I tread.

Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing till I'm dead.

Right, are we totally sure these are the right vibes for a musical?

Can we please not have a debate about this? I'd beat her on fire.

And next year, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents Cinderella.

Oh, well, at least you can't go wrong with that.

Um, sure, if you say so.

The foot that will fit this slipper shall

always be mine.

My heart just did a flip. I hope

it's a nice night.

Featuring the ugliest stepsister.

Cut off our toes, cut off our heels.

how it feels.

Then our love will truly bud. Just try to ignore the blood.

It's bloodily gorily grim.

It's bloodily gorily grim.

Bloodily gorily, bloodily gorily, bloodily gorily grim.

I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.

No, you won't sleep because of the cry.

As the birds peck at our eyes. Whoa, too much, too much.

It's bloodily gorily grim.

The Brothers Grimm musicals based on their original book of fairy tales.

Rated not suitable for children, or anyone else for that matter.

Hello! We have a very special royal surprise for someone today.

Yeah, we have got a makeover to die for.

Let's go and give them the good news.

Wow!

Seti I, recent feast Egyptian pharaoh. We're going to be dressing you for do

the Egyptian afterlife.

Surprise!

I think someone is a bit overwhelmed and also dead.

Let's get on and do this.

So, Betty, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey to the Field

Reeds or whatever looking like that.

Or... Smelling like this. You smell like my nancetis.

What we're calling it, hippopotamus.

Let's get to work.

You might want to lie down for this bit.

Let's get organ cleansing.

So, what we thought we'd do is start out with some basic brain mushing with this

big, nasty hook.

Vicious. Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose.

Is that OK to you, sweetheart?

His silent speak volumes.

Then we're going to remove your lungs, your intestines, your stomach, your

liver, and pop them in these tiny little jars so you can use them in the

afterlife. These little jars are just too cute. But don't worry, we're not

to be leaving you feeling all empty. We're going to be stuffing you to the

with bits of grass, straw, mud, rags, and my personal favourite, sawdust.

He is good to go!

Yes, King!

Total babe. But I think it's time that we thought out those threads.

Yeah, now, clothes -wise, I was thinking we'd just cover you in bandages with

magic spells written on. Love that detail. And to finish off, a tread -chic

death mask.

What do you think, Setty? I think it's great.

I thought he was alive again or something.

Do we think he's ready?

So ready, he's steady.

Let's give this pharaoh some dark officer.

Come on, we practised that. All right.

Before we met Setty the First, his look was dead boring.

But look at him now. Talk about a yummy mummy.

Twerk it, twerk it, strike a pose.

And no one can hold a pose like Setty. You are not the only one that has died

and gone to heaven.

Well, that's it for today's special royal makeover.

Seti's ready for the afterlife, and we're ready for the after -party.

Sorry. File it out.

Some people's gross jobs have actually advanced mankind throughout history.

Admittedly, not my one.

But sometimes a little gubbin of boasters can go a long way and help us

new things.

Free time.

Whether that's scientific and medical progress or exploring the world.

So it does it when it closes as well. What are the rules with this?

You are all here at the NHS Common Cold Unit to help us better understand how we

catch colds. You're not here for a party.

Understood.

Who wants to play a game?

Sorry, um, our fault. We didn't make it clear in the letter. Yes, there is a

party on this side of the curtain.

This party is for children who likely have colds. And your job

is just to sit there while we fan the air from this party towards you. We're

trying to understand how colds spread.

Right. Time for musical jazz!

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down!

I repeat,

you're not at a party.

She's just angry because she lost. I didn't lose.

Actually, I wasn't playing.

I'm trying to conduct some serious scientific research, actually.

Who wants to play hide and seek?

Get up.

You're supposed to come to death.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 found you.

You're not good at hiding.

Why is your finger blue?

Oh, that's from one of our other experiments.

We tripped blue dye from my nose and then we played cards to see how far the

gems were spread.

How did you get it on your finger?

She picked her nose. Yeah, and it's blue in her mouth. She definitely ate it.

I didn't eat it!

She definitely did.

Can we please get back to the powerful?

Oh, me, me, me, me. How did you get that?

Give that to me. What are you doing?

Immediately stop.

No, hey, it wasn't me. It was them.

We are painting to be our test subjects. Can you please start doing what we ask?

Or we might try one of the other cold -spreading experiments we've been

Like squirting Dr.

Dudgeon's bogeys up your nose.

I should be in bed.

We'll do anything you say.

Good. Now just sit there while we fan the air from this party towards you.

Everybody, it's cake time!

Cake! No!

Don't you go anywhere! You are not at the party!

I have a bogey squirter! I am not afraid to use it! And there's jelly!

Jelly? No one told me about jelly! Say some jelly for me!

How are you enjoying your first ocean voyage, Thurston?

Yeah, better out than in. Especially if you've been eating fermented shark.

Are we nearly there yet?

Oh, you're almost there. How do you know? Look up. What is it?

My bad. Should have said look up, but keep your mouth closed in case a bird

a poop in it.

Anyway, these birds, they never stray far from land. So when we see them, we

know we're close.

Look, there's a lot of them.

Excellent. That tells us that we're very close to land now. But how do you know

which direction to go?

There are certain clouds that only appear above land, so we just simply

them. Ah, like that one up there?

No, that's not the cloud.

That's the same group of birds from before, but all bunched together in a

poopy bunch.

You don't say. Yeah, you don't often see that.

So, I see how the clouds and the birds work, but...

We sail all the way from Iceland.

How do you know which direction to sail when you're a long way from land on the

open sea?

It's all up here.

You see, I know that if we travel from Snifflesnest in Iceland to Havar in

Greenland, the North Star will always be the same height above the horizon in

both places.

So we sail for four days, keep the North Star in the same place.

Eh, well, you should arrive in about... Hey, you were there.

Where do you learn all this?

Most Vikings learn it from their families.

Oh, wait.

I didn't want to go to Hvarf in Greenland. I wanted to go to Stard in

What? But you kept saying Hvarf, Hvarf.

Hvarf!

Hvarf! Hvarf!

I think I know what's happened here.

It's funny, I'm completely clean.

And yet you, you're covered in poo.

And there we have it.

The final page in my guide to gross history.

And make no mistake, the logbook is a gem you should never be without.

And not just because of the whiffy wisdom contained inside, but also

pages are soft and absorbent.

I might tear out a couple of pages myself.

But before I do, I shall leave you with a gross tune.

Wow, not that one.

This is a song about a bunch of princes who died before they could become kings.

One, by pooing himself to death.

It doesn't get more gross than that. I'll see you later.

When I was a young prince My father took me into the

palace To say I'd rule the land He said, son, when

you grow up You'll be king

The great king Arthur Tudor, your life's already planned.

But I dropped dead at fifteen.

They gave my crown and queen to my brother, who later divorced

her.

And they left me a psycho, a phantom, in the sad

parade of great kings that never were.

tree. We call him the Black Prince.

No throne for him, that stylish warrior.

When Frederick got awful sick, his dad George was released.

Cause as an heir, Fred was below par.

We all die before I die.

Disappointing Fred drew his last breath.

Ed looked cool but pooed himself to death.

And there's also me. And don't forget Alfonso.

Alfonso? Yeah, Alfonso.

Dad was Edward I.

I was going to be King of England, but I died in 1234.

Come on.

We could have ruled.

But we're all gone, though.

We could have had a King Alfonso. There's no King Fred to be anointing.

he's dead.

Dead disappointing.

They're never kings.

The sad procession. It really stings. With no succession.

We die too young. That much is clear.

So I get a diary.

Can we all stop going on about how I proved myself to death?

There's nothing wrong with pulling yourself to death.

People did it all the time. Shut up, Alfonso.