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Horrible history.

Horrible history presents Rotten Romans in Britain.

It's 55 BC.

The Roman Empire has expanded out of Italy and now turns its attention on

Britannia. My name is Gaius Julius Caesar, governor of Gaul and commander

legions of the north. And I will have my conquest in this invasion or the next.

The next?

What, you think we're going to fail?

No, it's just a saying, Marcus. Is it? Are we really going to do this now?

Sorry.

Julius Caesar.

The White Cliffs of Dover.

Marcus, prepare the invasion.

And at my signal, unleash hell.

Or we just keep sailing.

So what? Well, it's just those cliffs look quite high, and there's a lot of

naked Britons up there waving their swords.

And waving other things as well, actually.

Ah! Oh, OK, then my signal, keep sailing until we find somewhere easier to

land.

Rome's legendary conquest of Britain begins a bit further along the coast.

Prepare to land the troops!

We go over the side!

Er, Caesar, those nudie Britons are back.

Oh, seriously?

I mean, if you don't want to wear armour, then fine, but underwear's just

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Good line. Might use that in my book.

Although, it's a bit more, he came, he saw, he waited on the boat at the

Why are we still on the boat, Marcus? Well, the men don't like the look of all

those angry warriors waiting on the beach.

It'll take a real leader of men to start this charge.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Charge!

Caesar, our legion's standard bearer has gone in. The army is following.

Oh, well... Save me the trouble, because I was definitely about to leave them in

myself. Oh, yeah. Or me.

Cursed you for getting there first, actually.

When the might of the Roman legions came to Britain, nothing could stop them.

Well, at least for a few weeks, anyway.

It's freezing.

It is really cold.

Don't like the look of those clouds, either.

Don't suppose it's too soon to go home?

I guess we did win that battle on the beach, and we did take that bunch of

hostages. All right, Julian.

Still naked.

Very much so. And I'm fine with that. I mean, we have been here, like, three

weeks. It's probably long enough.

Yeah.

Right, pack up! Back on the ships!

For a limited time only, invasion of Britannia, 55 BC.

Caesar came.

He saw.

He left pretty quickly.

Yeah, we'll come back in the summer!

Yeah, sure. I mean, everyone loves to see... And then next year...

He came back and did almost exactly the same thing.

Invasion of Britannia, 55 BC.

Oh, hi.

I'm Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, or Emperor Nero, to the

you. Pre -Roman Britain was a pretty weird place.

And so who better to guide you through some of the changes we Romans made in

Britain than me?

Oh, no!

Boudicca, warrior queen of the Athenite tribe of Britain and leader of an

uprising against our Roman occupiers.

You finished?

People like her made our quest to improve Britain difficult.

They weren't improving, they were invading. Julius Caesar was the first to

it and he invaded twice.

Caesar didn't stay long, but that didn't stop him from writing books about his

adventures for his fans back home.

Oh, I run in my mouth.

Is she going to be like this all the time?

Salve, Antonia.

Oh, salve, Diana.

Oh, salve, Lavinia.

What are you reading?

Caesar's new book about... ...invading Britain.

Did you read how in Britain, Caesar says they ride in their chariots, showing

off acrobatic skills mid -battle?

And how they feel.

Oh, I can't reach the bum sponge.

Now I'm going to have to get up.

I hear the women have great style. They paint their nails and their faces with

berries. So chic.

Looks like someone read the bit in the book about putting dye in their skin.

It's a different way of life, and I find it... I don't know what all the fuss is

about. Them Britons can't even read or write.

I think Caesar makes Britain sound... exciting.

Yeah, we don't want to live there, though. Sure, Tony.

By Jove, no.

The people sound like... filthy savages.

It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain. Rome, as the new

emperor, determined to finish the job. It's going to take one tough dog -wearer

to risk everything in this hellhole.

I'm Emperor Claudius, and this is the real survival.

Step away.

Defense.

You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids.

Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge. You're going to need

protection. And you're going to need it first.

Look around you. What do you see?

Nothing but trees and dirt.

But trees and dirt, with training and basic tools, can become a fortress.

A fortress can keep you alive when everybody around you wants you dead.

But what I like to do is stay 900 miles away in a row and let my General Pauline

and the army do the hard work.

When you're faced with that...

Being somewhere completely different is a very effective way of staying alive.

Step two, stop a rebellion.

You've finally arrived in Great Britain because the war has already been won.

But now you have to win at the peak, and each locals will rebel at the drop of a

helmet. You need to be prepared, and that means using what's around you. Look

around you, what do you see?

A stone can be used as a mirror.

And wood?

It's good for keeping the fire going at night.

Staying well lit and armed is vitally important in a hostile situation.

But what I like to do is bring an elephant.

It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant.

What's that I'll say?

And I'll say, that's an elephant. And they'll say, cool, I've never seen one

those. Let's not rebel.

Probably. Who cares?

I've got an elephant.

I love it when they do that.

Extreme elephant.

Tip three.

Conquer more of the island, so you're safer from attack.

You have secured the South East, but it's going to take years to spread your

rule across this new and dangerous island.

You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you.

But what I'd like to do is go home after 16 days.

Let the army do the rest.

Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad.

And that's extreme survival.

Let's bounce.

I forgot my elephant.

After Claudius's invasion was a success... Beautiful is what

she means.

As I was saying, after Claudius's invasion was a success, Britain became

the Roman family.

Many Romans who came to live and work here set about making the place feel

like Rome. That meant changing a few things.

Yes, it would have been nice if they'd have asked.

OK.

Do you mind if we change a few things here in Britain?

Yes. Actually... La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Not listening. I didn't mean the

question anyway.

Friends. Britain.

Customers. Thank you for shopping at your local market. And just to say,

owns the brown chariot out front, can you move it, please, because your horse

keeps biting everyone.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm getting a bit fed up of my British diet of dried peas.

My friends told me that you stock something called apples. Yes, apples are

of our new exciting Roman import, so that's in the foreign food section.

Here's an apple.

Oh, wow, look.

It's all round and shiny.

Yeah. OK, I'll take one and I'll cook it for dinner. You don't have to cook it,

madam. You what?

Yeah, you can just eat it. Go on.

Sort of.

Yeah, I mean... No, don't put it back.

Yeah, there's a lot of exciting stuff coming in for a moment. We've got

grapes, cherries.

Cabbage. What about this? What's this thing?

Ah, now that's a Roman invention, and it's a kind of pastry filled with a ham

sauce. It's called a pie.

Pie? A pie.

Sorry, did you say sauce surrounded by pastry?

I don't think that'll ever catch on in Britain.

Look, foods like pie can be intimidating, but... I think I've got

you. All right, this is the toast of Rome.

It's called garum. It's a spread that goes on pretty much everything.

Oh, lovely.

What's it made of?

Rotten fish guts.

Oh,

I'm going to stick the peas.

Suit yourself.

At least you know where you are with the peas.

Don't actually work here.

Hi, I'm Gnaeus Julius Agricola. During the first century, I was the Roman

governor of Britain.

But what do you think I introduced in Britain to make it feel more like home

us Romans?

Did I, A, make the Britons wear Roman togas, B, make the Britons speak in

or C, make the Britons fill Roman bathhouses?

And the answer is, all three.

And life's much better now, isn't it, my little Roman -Briton friend?

Er, I guess.

And some of our traditions have survived, like our horse jewellery.

that. On the other hand, we have lost quite a lot of our Britain ways, too.

But... On the plus side, these togas are nice and hairy. Oh, you're supposed to

use the bathhouses, not just build them. Oh, sorry.

Hey,

besties.

This week has been absolutely wild here in our new Roman colony of Britain. What

with my epic toga haul and my... Big amphitheater trip. So I've headed down

the new hot spot called the Aquasoulis.

Aquasoulis. It's a huge heated Roman bath complex. Probably the first of its

kind in Britain.

So I brought my BFF or best play forever, Mel, because she's amazing and

I love her.

Also, I need someone to pop my pimple.

She's super loving it.

Yeah, this is a caldarium, which means hot bath.

And it's been heated by three different thermal springs.

That's science, Beck.

Oh, now.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. I'm just chucking some coins into the spring for good luck.

If you really want some good luck, ditch the beard and get a toga.

You look like you're about to tame an owl and start a folk band.

Am I right?

I'm already in a folk band, actually.

Really good as well.

Seriously?

You're throwing crockery at me now? Yeah, it's an ancient Britain tradition.

give all sorts of offerings to the water.

Bowls, plates, jewellery, bracelets.

Mel! So, besties, the Roman bath can be super relaxing, but watch out for this

beardy -weardy thrown treasure at you.

Oh, no, no, it's not just me. Come on, guys.

I don't know, I'm having fun. Don't forget to like and subscribe.

The houses of the past transformed into the Roman houses of the future.

Welcome to Your Home Made Roman.

Today, two Britain homeowners meet with Roman architect Frontier to see what can

be done to bring their home up to the first century. As they say in Rome,

go inside.

You know what? I think they say that everywhere.

So this is a typical Britain's home.

Oh, I can see why a change is needed.

How long have you been living in these terrible conditions?

Five. Our family's been living on this farm for hundreds of years.

This land... Oh, and the land is what we adore.

The views as I came in. Oh, magnificent.

Cheers. We farm it ourselves. But the house itself?

Savage. Okay, so please join me on your home.

Made Roman.

VR headsets on, everyone.

So, this is your house.

Look how the round walls bring everyone together.

It's awful.

But with a few tiny changes, such as knocking the whole thing down, we can

a fantastic new Roman villa. Okay, this is not... And check out these more cons.

We've got this underfloor heating system called a hippocost, plus running water,

and we've even added a latrine.

A toilet.

For poo -poo. A toilet?

You dirty... No, no, no, no, no, no, look.

You just pop your bottom over the trompole and... Oh, goodness, that

is posh.

I just remembered that's virtual reality.

Sorry.

Oh, what do you think?

We loved it. I couldn't believe it was still my own home. Oh, no, it's not

to be your home.

It's going to be theirs.

Who are they?

That's the Roman general and his wife.

A home like this is not for the likes of you.

They're going to be taking the villa.

And the land it seeks not. You can't ask us to leave our own home. I'm not

asking. On the other hand, it is only some round walls that's roving in

centuries of history and family tradition.

So, Pontius, you've really designed the perfect Roman home for them.

Say goodbye, Prosto and Eleona.

No, seriously, you need to leave now.

Come on, it's not my fault.

And there you have it. The Romans weren't really here to improve the lives

Britons at all.

They were here to improve their own life.

Well, we are more important.

No.

We needed to fight back and get the Romans to leave our land. I led my

the Iceni, in a revolt against the Romans in 60 AD.

You'd think all the other Britons would have rallied to our cause, but no. Some

were too busy fighting each other, and others even fought alongside the Romans.

Sorting out the beasts of the past.

I don't care if Spartan soldiers do fight in the nude, Mr Leonidas.

With the justice of today.

In my courtroom, you will wear trousers.

Welcome to Eyebeats with Judge Rindel.

Today in the courtroom, it's Queen Cartimandua of the ancient British

tribe against her husband, King Venutius. I love married couples on the

She's a day traitor, Your Honour. He's the traitor?

I should have seen that coming.

What on earth is going on?

He sided with the Romans and turned on our own people. You betrayed us. You

betrayed me.

Right.

Hey!

Put the weapons down.

I'm a judge, not a couple therapist. How is any of this squabbling relevant in

any event?

Because it started a civil war. People who supported her versus people who

supported me. Our tribe fighting itself, or we should have been fighting the

Romans. He started a civil war. I ended it by beating him with a little support

from the Romans. Who's doing it?

I am!

It probably would have been best to search people for weapons before people

into court, Bailey.

Look, I assume the two of you want a divorce, yes?

No! I just want you to order her to stop talking to the Romans and stay married

to me. You want to stay married even though the two of you fought a civil

Ah, the heart wants what it wants. My darling Carty, I promise to make you the

happiest warrior queen in all Britain.

I promise. Proposal in court?

Oh, goodness me, I should have had my hair done. This clip is going to go

I've already upgraded to a better husband.

He's such a honk.

He's my armour bearer. Ain't no hard feelings, mate, yeah?

Look, the only way to resolve this is through open and mindful dialogue.

Or a war.

You're going down, Carty. Someone bring me my armour.

Not you.

No hard feelings, mate.

Whatevs. I'm leaving the country anyway, and I'm way too good for you. Bye.

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

I had a celebratory romantic dinner planned. I've got a free evening.

Oh, come on, then. Get in.

What a cute couple.

A taste of mist.

Sometimes, life moves fast.

And as a Roman in Britain, we understand how quickly we might have to move with

it. No, we have to get out of here. We need to leave our valuables behind if

we're going to travel quickly. The rebelling tribes are almost here. We

take everything.

No!

That's why we at Hordes Bank have come up with the perfect way for you to keep

your money safe when you're in a hurry.

By digging a hole and burying your gold in the ground.

Really?

The cows are coming! Run for your lives!

Burying your valuables is the perfect 100 % self -service Roman savings

And opening your account couldn't be simpler.

You dig the hole.

You put the treasure in the hole. You fill the hole in again.

That's it, let's go!

Come on!

In your horse bank account, or hole as we call them, your pot of valuables is

safe. And at the end of the savings period, you'll get back exactly what you

in. Plus interest. Or mud.

as we call it.

And maybe some worms, too.

You can keep those!

Yum! Thousands of Romans use Hoard's Bank in Britain alone.

So, when you're going to be away from home or under attack, why not bury those

worries, keeping your valuables safe for one month, one year, or even forever?

If you've forgotten where you buried it.

Oh, no!

Hornsback, keeping your valuables really safe.

Why am I so forgetful?

Gee, guys, I know what you're thinking.

That soldier's hair's looking fine.

How does he stay so up to date with fashions in Rome when he's stuck in the

middle of nowhere?

I know. Well, it's true. I've been stationed in our new territory,

for a while now.

But even this far away from home, me and the others have a clever way of staying

current with Roman fashions. So do we, A, look at pictures of people in the

latest gossip scrolls? B, wait for letters from our families telling us

everyone's wearing?

Or C, get our fashion tips from coins?

The answer is C. We use the latest coins that come over from Italy, like this.

They have pictures on them of our ruler's head.

And they always have the hottest new hairstyle.

Yeah, look at that.

You know what?

I think this might be the Empress' mum on the coin.

Still, she looks fantastic.

Baba!

One part of Britain the Romans really struggled to conquer was Scotland.

We Picts were way too feisty for them to handle. And so in the end, they built

Hadrian's Wall to block us out.

Rude! The Roman soldier babies also didn't like the lovely Scottish weather.

the Romans started wearing new British clothes to keep themselves warm and dry.

You've got to love this stuff.

As Romans, we all like to look good.

With the Bereth Britannica, you can look good and be protected against the

elements. Made from thick wool and held together with an ornamental clasp, the

Pyrrhus Britannicus is the hooded cloak from Britain that's taking the Roman

Empire by storm.

So when that storm hits, you're completely protected and you still look

good. I wouldn't say, like, completely protected.

The height of style, the Pyrrhus Britannicus works for every occasion.

But especially for when the weather's bad.

I wasn't even wearing the cloak that time, guys.

Will you stop doing that?

The Bearest Britannicas make you look hot even when the weather's not.

Buy now from your local Roman Empire fashion outlet.

Yeah, it's not bad, actually.

So, yes, as you can see, fashion and style were very important to us Romans.

Unlike some people, I could mention. Hey, I am Dial.

Oh, yes.

What do you call this?

I call it woman with sword.

Ah, OK. You make a good point.

Moving on, then. To us Romans, coins weren't just money or a way of giving

fashion advice.

They also helped show who was in charge of the empire, although that could be

hard to keep track of. In the 3rd century AD, we underwent a bit of a

Emperors kept getting assassinated, and at one point, several different people

all claimed to be emperor at the same time.

Please put that down.

Make me.

Are they shopkeeper?

Are they right by capture, mate? What can I do for you? Well, you can bow to

your emperor.

Is that the emperor?

No, I'm the emperor.

So feel free to bow.

Shouldn't have to ask, really. I don't recognise you from any of the coins.

Really? Check them.

Nope.

Nope. Honestly, it's pretty hard to tell. There's been 27 emperors in 50

We've got two emperors at the same time at the moment.

Diocletian and Maximian. And you don't look like either of them. That's because

I'm the third emperor.

And now would be a good time to bow.

Still no. Okay.

Carothius, declare myself emperor of Britain and bits of gold?

Mm -mm.

What a coin.

This proves it.

Bow time?

That doesn't prove nothing.

You can put anything on a coin nowadays. I got bored the other day. Put my own

face on a coin.

Unbelievable. You're going to bow to her on the basis of one coin?

Where's my bow?

I'm the actual emperor.

Well, my plan is emperor. Pretend emperor.

Actual emperor is to make it so there's just one set of coins.

Mine. Then everyone knows what they're worth.

Because when people are making their own coins, most of them are worth nothing.

Oh, so you're saying the more there are, the less they're worth. Exactly.

So then it's just like emperors.

Right. When I make my new coins, you can't have any. Mind my cabbages?

That's a bow, finally!

It wasn't a bow.

It's out!

You can't.

And there you have it.

We Romans controlled Britain until we left here in the early part of the 5th

century. And it's fair to say that for better or worse... Worse, if you ask me?

No -one did.

For better or worse, we transformed Britain while we were here. Apparently

customary to finish with a song and is lovely, is it?

I am a skilled musician, so it's time for your ears to be bathed in the liquid

gold of a song about the things we Romans did for you.

Probably better for all of us if someone else does the song.

Stabbed in the bagpipe's heart.

Bye -bye.

Take care.

Oh, well.

After 400 years, the last of the Romans has finally left.

Well, that's fine by me. We don't need Rome any more. If anything, we should be

ruling ourselves.

Oh, I don't know.

Our whole life is Roman.

Rubbish. We were better off before the Romans came and we're even better after.

The Romans said we were all savage before they arrived.

Said we worshipped our gods by burning our convicts alive.

Then Caesar invaded, not one time but two.

Finally Emperor Claudius sent over a crew who took over our isle.

And decided to stay quite a while.

But I say thank you to the Romans. They brought us olive,

central heating cap and cabbage.

Can we live without them? They've been here 400 years.

Gave us God to fear.

Taught us to read, write and number our years.

So I say thank you to the Romans. for coming over here

we lived in small settlements we

were all here for in tribes now

to the Romans.

We don't need you no more.

Don't worry, love.

We don't need the Romans and their armies and their stupid laws.

You know what?

It's the becoming of us. Yes, the Britons.

Finally, standing on our own two feet.

Do you know what? You're right.

It is nice to be independent again. Just us Brits. Just us Brits.

Brinkers? Yeah.

What's that noise?

Suck to the virgin!

Run!