Original subtitles

Welcome to Horrible History.

Horrible Histories presents Bewitched Book.

This summer, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents your favorite fairy tales as

were originally written, including Snow White.

Huntman!

Hey, hun.

Hey, hun.

Let's go and hide. Let's run.

Because if we don't run, it'll be no fun when the queen eats your liver and your

lungs.

Wait, what?

That's right. Just like in the original book, this queen wants to eat Snow

White's lungs and her liver.

Ah, this is a family film, right? Yeah, I mean, the stories do still have happy

endings, like when Snow White gets the better of the evil queen.

Now that matters have been settled, I have shoes of burning metal. Cause of

things I did and said, they'll make me dance until I'm dead. Dancing till I'm

dead. The floor burning where I tread.

Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing till I'm dead.

Right, are we totally sure these are the right vibes for a musical?

Do we please not have a debate about this? My feet are on fire.

Ow! And next year, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents Cinderella.

Oh, well, at least you can't go wrong with that.

Um, sure, if you say so.

The thought that will fit this slipper.

shall always be mine.

My heart just did a blip, I hope

it's a size nine.

But first... Featuring the ugliest stepsister.

We'll cut off our toes, cut off our heels.

Try on the shoes, see how it feels.

Then our love will truly bud. Just try to ignore the blood.

It's bloodily, gorily grim.

It's bloodily, gorily grim.

Bloodily, gorily, bloodily, gorily, bloodily, gorily grim.

I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.

No, you won't sleep because of the cry.

And the birds peck at our eyes. Whoa, too much, too much.

It's bloodily, gorily grim.

The Brothers Grimm musical's based on their original book of fairy tales.

Rated not suitable for children, or anyone else for that matter.

Scary tales?

More like scary tales.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide on my World Book Day outfit.

What are the chances?

It's comedian and author of the brilliant, amazing Edie Eckhart books,

Jones.

Yes, and then trying to read.

Not anymore.

I've come here to the library for some outfit inspo, and you're going to help

me. I'm busy.

I can give you half a chocolate bar.

I'm busy.

Brilliant. What do you think of this one?

Ta -da!

A rat with some big ears.

I'm Peter Ratbit, obviously.

Well, once you know a big rat's part, you'll learn how to draw

that. And they're more than a book.

You might want to wear something else.

Stop pulling, you naughty little sausage.

Oh, my gosh. I think that's Benjamin Potter.

Excuse me.

We're such big fans of Peter Rabbit and Benjamin. Funny, they're so...

And the drawings are just so accurate. You really made us believe that a rabbit

could wear clothes.

Oh, well, I do love animals.

I'm an award -winning sheep farmer.

A little bar lamb.

How cute.

I don't suppose I could get you to sign one of your books, could I? Oh, if

you've got a copy of Benjamin Bunny there, he could sign it for you himself.

my goodness.

Is that the real -life Benjamin Bunny?

And you take him for walks on a little lead. How adorable.

Yes, Benjamin is such a good bun -bun.

You let me draw you for my books, don't you?

When I first got paid for my books, I bought him lots and lots of treats to

thank you, and the silly Billy gobbled them all up and made himself poorly.

Luckily, he got better, so I didn't have to cut him up like all the other

rabbits.

What?

Well, of course I get the accuracy of my lovely drawings by peeling off the skin

of dead wild rabbits with my big knife. Don't I, Benj? You skin all the little

rabbits? Well, I have to study their anatomy in order for the illustrations

be accurate.

And then, of course, I boil off their flesh so I can study their wittle,

skeletons.

Anyway, we probably shouldn't keep you.

Run for it, Benji. Run for the hills.

The hills?

That's a wonderful idea.

There'll be lots more bunnies for us to study there.

isn't there, Benjamin?

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I guess it's like they say, never meet your heroes.

Yeah.

Oh, hello. It's me, Roald Dahl. I'm here writing another of those fizz -wizzing

books you love so much, full of fun words I made up that make you churgle.

Now, you know, when I was a boy, I loved reading Beatrix Potter.

I thought her books were diddly -giganticus.

I even met her once. It was when I was a jumpsy six -year -old, and she said

something to me that I always remembered.

But what did she say? Did she say, A, follow your dreams, young man, B, always

write what you know, or C,

buzz off?

Well, the answer is C.

I said I'd come to meet Beatrix Potter, and she said, well, you've seen her now,

buzz off.

Exactly. I felt quite besquiggled.

She wrote razz -twizzling books, but if you met her on the wrong day, she could

be a fizz -wiggling frumpet.

Know what I mean?

It's Arthur Eastborough!

Hello. Dove Janssen here, creator of the Moomins. Mythical creature that I was

inspired to invent as a child after a huge row with my idiot brother.

I was so angry, I decided to draw the ugliest thing I could think of.

Right on the toilet wall.

Don't you write on toilet walls, though. Even if you are inspired to create

characters who are loved all around the world, they're much better to carry a

notepad with you. So when inspiration strikes, you can draw on that instead

you won't get into trouble.

I think I'm having another great idea now.

And of course, the paper may come in handy when you're in the toilet.

It can be a bit...

Fletchy, though.

One great place to get books from is a library.

Your school might have one, and maybe books aren't the only thing you can find

there if you look hard enough.

Author Charles Dickens, please, sir, can I have some more of his books, actually

has a special secret door built into a bookcase in his home.

Sus, this is a library.

Excuse me, I'm the Queen.

Oh.

Your Majesty?

Better, honestly.

Some people.

And in here is my secret room.

In an act of perfect cunning, I've hidden the door behind a bookcase filled

fake books.

These are all fake? Fake and hilarious. Look, I've given them all funny titles.

Life and Letters of the Learned Pig.

Hoyle on the Turnip.

That sounds quite good, actually. Can I borrow it?

No, as I said, they're fake books.

Yes, you did play that, yeah.

Cat's Lives in nine volumes.

Give it again.

Carpenter's Bench of Bishops.

I've actually read that one. No, you can't have. They're fake books.

Are you sure? They're all invented.

By me. I get it. Some of these are quite funny, actually.

Great Expectations.

Bleak House? I mean, what is that?

Just a book about another house that's really boring. There's nothing in it.

They're real books. A Christmas Carol?

Okay. It's just a book about this woman called Carol who just likes Christmas.

These are my books.

I wrote them.

Nicholas Nickleby. Now that I can see exactly what you've done there.

What?

Nicholas, as in Nicholas.

That's lowbrow. I wouldn't do that. Oh, they're a twin!

How'd you come up with this, Robert? Right, that's it. Would you look at that

over there?

Oh, what?

Huh?

Mr.

Dickens! Hello!

How'd you open the secret door?

Charlie!

Check me out now!

I'm Rotilda, and I can move things with my mind, just like in the book.

How? I wonder if I hear demons.

Don't distract me, Rosie.

Rosie?

That wasn't me.

They shouldn't do that in the library.

It's a side effect from all the concentration.

Anyway, did you know a lot of famous story writers didn't just write amazing

fiction stories, Rosie? Some of them wrote non -fiction books too.

Yeah, but they weren't always as popular.

True. Right, shall I try and float a spoon again?

No.

Welcome to our Gone Show World Book Day special.

I hope you're all dressed up as your favourite book characters at home. I

am.

Who are you?

I'm Harry. Never mind.

Who's your favourite character from a book, Guy?

Dracula! Why are you wearing a scarf inside?

Our first special World Book Day guest is the author of Dracula, Victorian

horror novelist Bram Doker.

Why is he dressed like that? The vampires in my book, Dracula, didn't

that. So, Bram, you're here to tell us about your latest book. Is it as spooky

and fantastical as your last one?

No, actually, it's a factual book about famous impostors, like Queen Elizabeth

I. Oh, how is she an imposter? The Queen was a man.

Sorry. Yes, it's my firm belief that the real Queen Elizabeth was swapped for a

boy when she was a child. Think about it. Why did Queen Elizabeth never have

children? Why did she wear all that make -up?

Because she was never married and she wanted to cover up her smallpox scars?

No. Because she was a vampire?

No, and I'm not here to talk about Dracula.

If you're not going to take my non -fiction writing seriously, I'm leaving,

right? OK. I'm going.

Sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of their coffin this morning.

You're still not allowed to talk about Dracula, even after I've stormed off.

Shush!

Anyway, our next guest is another Victorian writer. We might need a clue

detect where he is. I hope he's in the studio and not at home.

Yeah, well done, Guy. It's Sherlock Holmes author, Arthur Conan Doyle. I'm

today to talk about my serious factual work, so please don't talk about

Holmes again, OK?

Please tell us about your new factual book, Mr Doyle.

It's about the Cottingley Fairies.

The what? Two young girls in Yorkshire photograph real, actual fairies in their

garden. So, yeah, I wrote a book about them. The Coming of the Fairies.

Boo! Right.

And you're sure they didn't just cut out some pictures of fairies and then

photograph them in their garden for a laugh?

No. It's impossible.

They've been checked by experts.

And the experts said they were real, did they?

No. One said they were fake, but two, importantly, weren't sure.

Which, now that I've said it out loud, it does sound bad.

Well, I congratulate you and Mr Stoker on your very active imagination.

Oh, another walkout. A funny day when Guy's the most sensible person on the

show. Dumbledore!

Hey, yo.

Welcome to Literary Wrap -Up.

And tonight, laying down the track for the title of most contributions to the

English language is none other than my guy, William the Bard Shakespeare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm bringing a rhyming challenge.

The Bible.

The Bible? The King James Bible, represented by King James himself.

MCKJ in the palace.

Let's do this.

I ain't scared of you Stratford -upon -Avon gangsters. Yeah, well, you didn't

write the Bible.

Hey, I paid for that translation.

My money, my Bible.

And it gave the English language way more phrases than your work does.

There's only one way to settle this.

Praise battle.

Aye, your majesty.

Let's have some fun.

There's nothing new under the sun. You're in for it now, Mr.

Holier -than -thou. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I give up right

now. I vow that I can give you an eye for an eyeful, because next to my Bible,

Shakespeare's a trifle.

All of a sudden, Shakespeare's in the chair.

Knock, knock, who's there?

It's King James' chances.

Melted into thin air.

This ain't for the faint -hearted. This guy's fainted breath sounds like he

farted. In one fell swoop, knock, knock, and I'm back where I started.

Your Majesty, you must be better.

No peace for the wicked, you'll see. You'll fire in this baptism of fire. I

the extra mile to my heart's desire. I go from strength to strength right down

to the wire. I am the letter and the spirit of the law they call Lord.

I am the double -edged sword. I live by the sword and die by the sword. Where

there's shaky, I am adored.

Oh!

Take that!

Take it out!

All right. You're hurt!

You're hurt! What?

I'm just playing nice. I'm breaking the ice. I'm playing fast and loose. Take my

advice. I've seen the brave new world and it's paradise.

I'm the fly in the ointment. And that ain't nice. Wait, wait, wait.

I think we have an error. Yeah, gotcha. Fly in the ointment. That's from the

King James Bible, baby.

Check it. Check it.

Yeah. No.

King James wins by lyrical knockout.

how the mighty have fallen. That's one of mine. Come on, guys. We don't need

this. Let's bounce.

As in, let's leave.

The Bible is one of the only books we Puritans really like.

Many Puritans like it so much they want to ban the other book.

And it's not just book they have a problem with.

Some early puritan settlers in America decided that you could be arrested just

for reading.

Especially if you're a woman.

Being in law enforcement in a new colony itself, the folks here in Massachusetts

Bay are desperate. It does not take much for them to turn to crime.

The number one threat we're dealing with today is women reading.

That and the locals, if you don't want to sit.

We've received intel that there is a gang of women readers operating from

this house.

It looks just like an ordinary house.

It's not.

It's a book den.

Makes you sick.

Word is, the leader's a woman called Anne Hutchinson. Apparently she

the book gang on the boat over from Europe.

Some of the women get in so deep, their lips don't even move while they're

reading.

If that's not witchcraft, what is?

The Puritan General Assembly here in the Massachusetts Bay Colony have outlawed

the book gang, and that's why we're here today.

We're hoping that the ringleader, Hutchinson, will be in there herself,

with her book.

Well, not on my watch. They're going down.

You go in, I'll cover you.

Yeah.

And then... Go,

go, go, go!

This should work right!

Put the book down and step away!

But I'll lose the page!

All right!

Put a bookmark inside the book, then put the book down, then step away.

We got a runner!

Stop in the name of the Puritan law!

I'm hit!

Are you going to be okay, buddy?

I think it was a hard back.

Scar's just part of the job.

I mean, look at this one.

Paper cut.

I feel a little cold. Hey, hey, hey, don't speak like that. Look at me, look

me! It's a reminder.

with what we face out there every single day.

Officer Scratcher here is going to read you your life.

Hang on.

Why am I going to read them?

You've got the card.

I can't read, can I? Well, I can't read either.

Would you like me to read the card for you?

You know, some of the days are hard, but if we can do a little good here and

there, like preventing women from reading, then it'll all have been

You? Aye.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you, I say, can and will be used against you. Me.

Ah, we really appreciate this.

I mean, obviously we will have to add you reading this to the list of charges,

but Puritan laws, Puritan law.

Check out my latest book day outfit.

I'm Pooh!

Well, yeah, that does explain the smell.

No, I'm Winnie the Pooh. Look, I've got a jar of honey. I'm always playing poo

sticks in the sewer.

You're playing sticks in the sewer?

Um, yeah.

They're not exactly sticks.

Oh, no.

Well, at least you've got a good -tasting book.

Oh, yes. I love getting my teeth into a good book.

Yeah. Well, get your teeth into your own book next

time. Sorry about that, but I do love a good story, and the more fantastic, the

tastier and better.

Some of the most famous tales feature in one collection of stories that come

from Middle Eastern folklore.

Monsieur Dieppe, just the man I've been looking for.

Monsieur Galland, how is your translation of 1001 Arabian Nights

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I have a slight problem.

How is that possible? It's such a rich and ancient collection of Middle Eastern

stories. Oui, but the collection I'm translating isn't complete.

It doesn't have enough stories.

Certainly not enough.

You're from Syria.

I don't suppose you know any other tales from home I can use?

Well, I suppose I could tell you the tale of Aladdin.

He was a poor boy in the Ottoman Empire.

Aladdin was a poor boy in China.

China? No, no, no. I'm talking about the Middle East. Yes, but a lot of my

European readers think that everywhere east of Greece is basically China.

Okay.

Trapped in a cave, Aladdin found a lamp containing a magical genie who helped

Aladdin become rich and powerful, marrying the sultan's daughter.

They were the toast of the bazaars of the caliphate.

The bazaars and caliphate sound a bit confusing for my audience.

Oh, okay. Well, I could always Frenchify it for you. Let's say palaces and

markets. In fact, imagine the thing is essentially set at the Palace of

Versailles. Happy? So, an Ottoman princess is in a French palace in a

I'm calling China.

I see the problem with that. And I have plenty more stories where they came

from. Excellent.

I need wild, adventurous stories.

Oh, how about the tale of Ali Baba, who steals the treasure of 40 people? Open

sesame.

Oh, sounds brilliant. This is the stuff I need to fill the holes in the book.

Real, authentic stories from China.

Serious. Ah, same thing. It really isn't. Well, to my readers it is.

Okay, anyway, happy to help. I just hope we won't have to argue about which of

our names is biggest on the front cover of the book. Don't worry, we won't. Your

name won't be on it at all.

Thanks for the story. Wait, what did you say?

Gallant. Come back. Hey!

That guy.

It's Monday morning, and headteacher Ruth Thomas has had to find a

for French teacher Mrs. Morton, who insists on using French time and always

leaves an hour early.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I'm so excited.

Class 7F are going to be taught by one of my all -time favourite authors.

He wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

He's also a professor of literature and language at Oxford University.

So French ought to be no problem.

Or pas de problème, as they say.

Class 7F's new French teacher is J .R .R. Tolkien.

Good morning, class.

My name is John Ronald Ruel Tolkien, J -R -R Tolkien, but you can call me Mr.

Tolkien. Bonjour, Mr.

Tolkien.

Bonjour.

They're French!

I'm not teaching them! Mrs. Thomas, a word!

I can't stand the French!

Mr. Tolkien, perhaps you should have mentioned your feelings about the French

before you agreed to do a French class.

It's... Fine. I'll just teach them Elvish instead.

One of the languages I invented.

Mr. Tolkien, there isn't a GCSE Elvish!

No! Who here speaks Elvish?

No? Khazdul?

The language of the dwarves?

Conversational goblin?

Ah, good.

What's your name?

Jean -Claude.

Got a French name?

Uh, maybe.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, but I've never forgiven the French for giving us William the

Conqueror!

I always wished he had finished his sequel to Lord of the Rings. It was

The New Shadow. Such a brilliant line. Stop saying bonjour!

Do excuse me.

Mr. Jockey, no word!

It was a joke.

I chased my neighbour dressed as an Anglo -Saxon warrior and he would...

about it. I'm afraid I've already found you a replacement.

And his CV is just as impressive as yours.

C .S. Lewis.

He wrote The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Hello, Tolkien.

C .S. J .R .R.

Wait, you two know each other? Yeah, we're busy mates.

We're in a book club called The Inklings together.

Yeah, I've actually got your best suit in the car if you want to drive straight

to the party. Right, out!

Both of you, out!

Bad boy!

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Seuss. I write books with rhymes, but my brain needs some inspiration sometimes.

So when a friend of mine said, making sure that I heard that no book can be

written with just 50 words, I said, I don't believe you. I'm sure that I can.

It inspired me to write the book, Green Eggs and Ham.

But I'm not just inspired by friends. Don't be silly. I prefer something

or feathered or frilly.

Yet this cupboard of mine is filled with ideas that come straight to my mind

once the right hat appears.

You see, I'm inspired by the perfect hat.

Now I'm ready to work. What do you think of that?

Here's my final outfit, the rat in the hat.

And as far as this show goes, that is that.

To

have

Rosie here has been a treat.

But now it's time to say so long.

I'll make you practice, but not your punks.

There.

Want adventure?

Follow Alice into Wonderland. Lewis Carroll wrote it, but he was really a

Cool Charles Dodgson, a professor who wrote books on math.

Got books for you. Secret garden will excite you. Peter Pan flies you to

Neverland. Shots head to arms. If you want to meet some munchkins, the

world's got its name.

I was not expecting that.

Thank you.