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Horrible Histories

Horrible Histories presents... ...Gory Greek Myths!

Greetings, mortals!

I am Ratatouille!

The little -known ancient Greek god of rats and public toilets.

Over 2 ,000 years ago, the ancient Greeks believed that gods ruled over

from a mountain called Olympus.

And they told tales of these gods in stories called myths.

And let me tell you, these stories were bananas.

So, if you like the sound of a woman with snakes for hair, or a god who hurls

thunderbolts, then buckle up and enjoy the ride.

You know, there's even a balmy story for how the Greek gods came about in the

first place.

And that's the actual Mount Olympus, where we believe the Olympian gods live.

Oh, the gods are so boring, Dad.

Boring? These stories tell us everything. Where we came from, how the

works, how we should live.

Where would your yo -yo be without Dionysius, the god of games, huh? Even

sky is a god.

Okay, if the gods are in charge of everything, who made the gods? Well, I'm

you are. Because I'm going to tell you how we believe this whole world began.

First there was nothing, just a thing called chaos. Not okay.

Ow!

Next King Gaia, or as some would call her, Mother Earth.

Then King Garda fixed the night, then from her harbor of the day.

So many deities were forming to prepare for our birth.

I believe the creation myth.

All the stories come from this.

I believe the creation myth.

There's water out of this.

I believe...

Zeus was the god in charge.

He is, but before him, it was Uranus. Then one of Uranus' kids, the titan

Kronos, cut off his dad's dangly bits. Okay.

Kronos then had kids who were the gods, including Zeus, but Kronos was worried

those kids would take over from him, so he decided to eat them all. What kind of

story is this? I know, right? Anyway, he ate them all, apart from Zeus, who

Kronos' wife, Rhea, managed to secretly switch with a rock.

Wow, it's... It's actually getting weirder. It really is. Then, when Zeus

grown up, he came back and made his dad vomit all his brothers and sisters.

So, Kronos had to fight all his kids, you know, the Olympian gods, Hera,

Poseidon, etc.

The kids won, and Zeus took over. Bang!

Are all the stories about the gods this bonkers?

Um, yeah, pretty much. Great! Tell me some more!

There's the new family at the top of the mountain, the Olympian gods!

Fall in love with Hera, goddess of marriage.

And kicking up a storm, it's the mighty Zeus, god of thunder and king of the

gods. Zeus, did you put a lightning storm in the garden?

What makes you think it was me?

What's the big deal?

It's not like I hit anyone with lightning.

This time... Sorry!

Warning our hearts, it's Hestia, goddess of the fireplace.

And ploughing in is Demeter, goddess of the seasons and the harvest.

Can you make it summer all year round so we don't have to bother with fires?

Of course, but then when would we plant the crops? And you know I love my food.

Making a splash, it's Poseidon, god of the ocean.

And he's a bit of a downer. It's Hades, god of the underworld.

How do I have to live in the underworld?

Well, you are the god of the underworld.

I could die being god of the tank shop.

Now the gods are here, ancient Greece is about to become a whole lot more

interesting. Listen, guys, shouldn't we use our powers to help the people of

Greece?

We could just keep messing with them. Yes, please.

Sorry, dude.

The Olympian gods.

Heaven knows what these guys are going to get up to in that.

Most Greek myths are either about the gods or the stuff they got up to when

were toying with the human mortals below on Earth.

Sometimes the mortals would go on epic adventures where they faced terrible

ordeals designed by the gods.

These brave people were called heroes.

And it's fair to say that many of their stories are not exactly bedtime story

material. I might hide behind the sofa for this one.

It's nearly bedtime here at Yee Bee Bees, so for all of you little heroes

heading off to adventures in Dreamland, we've got a special guest who's going to

share some amazing stories about his family, the Greek gods.

Hello, Mr. Zeus.

It's actually King Zeus, but fine. Hello, children.

Would you like to hear some stories about animals?

Oh, yes, please. We love animals.

Once upon a time, there was a giant.

called Argus, with 100 eyes. And he was guarding the most beautiful cow, Io.

Cow go moo.

Well, this cow was secretly my girlfriend.

So one day I went to one of my sons, the god Hermes, to put Argus to sleep and

kill him with a big rock.

Now the giant's eyes decorate the peacock's tail.

Peacock go.

Well, happy times. I was now free to run off with Eye of the Cow.

OK. How about a different story?

Here's one about my daughter, the goddess Artemis. She was bathing in a

When a hunter saw her in the nuddy, she was so angry, she turned him into a

deer. And the hunter's own dogs tore him to shreds.

Dogs go woof, woof. It was more like... OK,

OK. Sort of a pack of them.

Have you got a nicer story? Maybe one about a brave Greek hero?

I've got just the one.

The tale of Theseus and the Minotaur, a monster that's half man, half bull.

Once upon a time... Oh, that's more like it. There was a monster eating

children. I've actually got some pictures here.

Oh, no, no, no. Have you got anything in there that's suitable for children?

Let me have a look.

It is children, smashed by rocks, monster, monster, monster.

Oh, yeah.

Icarus. Yeah, his dad made him some wings out of wax and feathers.

Oh, and did he go on a lovely adventure with his new friends the seagulls?

Initially, then he flew too close to the sun and the wax melted and he crashed

into the sea and drowned horribly.

Okay, and that's all we have for today. Good night, children. Sleep well. And

remember, monsters aren't real.

Oh, they are.

They're real.

Hi, I'm the Greek hero Heracles, or as the Romans called me, Hercules.

Bullseye! They're always bullseyes.

I'm a demigod. Being a demigod means that I was the son of a mortal, my mum

Alcmena, and the son of a god, my dad, Zeus.

But out that, this is my story. Story's done.

Mum wasn't married to Zeus. He already had a wife called Hera.

Hera was so angry when she found out that I was due son that she got King

Aristeas to give me ten impossible tasks called labours. She hoped that one of

them would kill me. Instead, I aced the lot and became a legend.

The king even gave me two extra tasks because he said I cheated.

So which of these was one of the twelve labours of Heracles?

Did I have to?

A. Defeat a load of man -eating birds with metal beaks.

bring back a three -headed dog from the underworld, or, Steve, clean out stables

for 3 ,000 cows in a single day?

And the answer is, all three.

Yep, I even have to muck out the huge stables belonging to King Orgeus.

Oh, and they haven't been cleaned for 30 years.

You know what?

There's miles of this stuff.

It'd be quickest to just divert a river through the whole building and...

Wash it all away.

I might just do that.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Okay, guys, listen up.

Hi, I'm Jason. Hi, Jason.

Heracles looking strong.

Oh, thanks.

Orpheus looking dashing. And Atalanta, oh, divine.

I know. I, too, am feeling very well. In case anyone's wondering.

Thanks, Castor. And thank you all for agreeing to help me to my rightful place

on the throne of Bethel. The plan is simply to sail from Greece to Colgan to

find the golden fleece. The golden fleece. Oh, so much talking.

Can we not just go and get the stupid rug and come back? Thanks, Atalanta.

There's just one or two things I want to prepare my Argonauts for.

What's an Argonaut?

Yeah, is that like a peanut? Because I'm allergic, you know. No, our ship is

called the Argo, therefore you guys are the Argonauts.

There she is. Lucky the ship wasn't called Coco.

Coco nuts.

Forget it. Okay, first stop is the island of Lemnos.

Lemnos. That's an island populated by single women. Oh, yeah.

They're single because the goddess Aphrodite cursed them all. I knew it was

good to be true. And they all killed their lovers.

Is that an optional stop?

After that, we'll stop at Bear Mountain, where there are giants with six arms

called the Geganines.

Geganines, there he is. Sure, that's not just three people standing behind each

other. We'll also be stopping off in Thrace, where it'll all be parties,

parties, parties.

And harpies.

What was that last one? Harpies.

They're half women, half birds with big old bird claws. They're extremely

violent. It still seems like a lot of work for a rug.

So, after the massive rocks that smash ships to pieces... Is when things get

tricky. Oh, right.

That's when things get tricky, is it? Oh, yes. We'll be facing fire -breathing

cows... Hang on.

I'm taking notes.

OK. And also the dragon that never sleeps.

How do we deal with the dragon? The plan is to put it to sleep.

So we put the sleepless dragon to sleep.

I didn't say it was a good plan. Once we've got the golden fleece, it's a

journey. Back past the deadly sirens to Thessaly, where my uncle will make me

king.

That's your idea of simple, is it? Yeah, seems pretty doable.

Sir, you're forgetting to tell them about the Talos. So what now?

It's the big metal man.

Hurling boulders and doing this.

No, no, no, no. It's still too much work for a rug. Look, they sell the same

ones down the market. I've seen them.

Right, new plan.

Let's go to the market. Do any of you have any money? No.

Fine. Go with Jason.

And the Argonauts. Oh, Argonauts. Right, come on.

Guys, wait for me.

Argonauts assemble!

Oh, hey, guys. It's me, Zeus.

I've transformed myself into a goose.

Yeah, Zeus -y goose -y, baby.

The myth said that we gods could disguise ourselves by transforming into

animals, and I like nothing better than a bit of shape -shifting, especially

when I was trying to romance people I had a crush on.

Zeus goose out.

Going on a date can be a stressful event for anyone.

So imagine what it feels like to be going on a date with a god.

Let's do this.

Roxy, a nurse from Margate, has arrived for her first date with Zeus.

I'll be honest, dating a god is a step up for me. I usually date DJs.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, there's a giant ant on the table.

This is your date. This is the god Zeus.

Well, hello there.

Have fun. Thank you. Enjoy.

Yeah, that was me. I like to make an effort, dress up for a date. I turned

a cuckoo to woo the goddess Hera.

Half -goat man for the princess Vantio.

Swan for letter, another swan for nemesis. And today an ant.

A chick -stick ant.

I'll be honest, an ant is a disappointment.

Can you imagine introducing an ant to your parents?

They were angry enough about DJ Terry.

Roxy has been to the ladies' room to text her friend Sherry.

It's not all she was doing in there.

Ambrosia went right through me.

I'm so sorry, I don't know if you need me.

Take a seat. Oh, hey, babe.

That was your date?

That was Zeus?

No. Yes?

I mean, I knew he'd appeared as a fire today at the pool, but still, you don't

expect it.

Things are looking up for Roxy.

A Zeus has now transformed himself into an ancient Greek shepherd.

So, have you been married before?

Oh, yeah, yeah, seven times, including to two of my aunts and two of my

Oh, and I ate my first wife.

You ate your wife?

Uh -huh.

Oh, I think Zeus has transformed into a pile of gold. I think I can work with

it.

Oh, it looks like he's paying.

Yes.

He just turned into a bull, didn't he?

It did.

Honestly, I've been on worth date.

So have you.

I wonder why Zeus never chose to turn into a rat.

I've a good mind to have a word with him about it. I mean, we can be symbols of

romance too.

Here, listen.

Music, please.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I live in a sewer surrounded by...

You know what? Forget it. He was probably right about us. And besides,

not to bother him. You don't want to get on the wrong side of a Greek god. They

had terrible tempers, and the punishments they dished out were eye

Oh, no!

Not again!

All right? What?

I'm King Tantalus.

Disciples.

Couldn't keep the screaming down, could you? Oh, sorry about that. It's just the

rock's really heavy and... I can't believe I've got to do this for

eternity. They said if I pushed the rock to the top of the hill, I could live

forever. But I never quite make it.

What do you do to deserve that?

Well, I took the God of Death.

He tried to tie me up.

I tied him up instead.

Oh, I remember you.

No one died because the God of Death was tied up.

I was sent to the land of the dead as punishment.

But I got sent back to the land of the living because I told my wife not to

my body properly.

Why'd you do that? So they'd send me back to tell her off.

That works.

Yep. Lived to a ripe old age.

But Zeus was annoyed, so as punishment, he's made me do this.

Yes, I'm going to do it.

Your punishment doesn't look bad. Having a paddle and nibbling fruit.

Oh, yeah.

Watch this.

This time.

Oh, no.

That is tantalisingly close.

Yeah, actually, that's where the word comes from.

My name is Tantalus. And there's this.

I haven't drunk or eaten anything since I've been here.

Still, could be worse. Could be King Phlegius. All right, Phlegius?

Buried in rock and unable to reach a wonderful fish.

Poor bloke.

I'm not for swapping if he is.

Hi, I'm Pandora.

Zeus had me molded from clay to bring temptation and ruin to men. The legend

says I had a box which, when opened, would release terrible suffering into

world. Or, at least, that's how you might hear the story told in school.

But in the original story, there was something different about Pandora's box.

Was it, A, that if you opened the lid, it made a fart noise?

B, that it wasn't a box at all?

Or C, that the box had little legs and kept running away?

The answer is B.

It wasn't a box at all. It was actually a jar. The famous 16th century writer

Erasmus made a mistake in his translation, and people have wrongly

Pandora's box instead of Pandora's jar ever since.

Amazing, really, to think that all the plagues and evils in the world could fit

into a little jar like that.

Right. Yeah, that's definitely broken.

Run away.

One of the most famous Greek myths is the story of Troy.

The city that had a ten -year war with Greece until the legendary King Odysseus

came up with a clever way of sneaking a Greek army into Troy just when the

Trojans thought the fighting had finished.

Hey, do you have phobia?

Oh, yeah. Hey, babes. You know how, like, the Greeks have gone and the war

over? I really want to talk about our relationship.

Basically, I just, I want to know where your head is at.

Sorry, babe, I'm, like, super focused on this massive wooden horse right now.

Oh, empty.

I actually can't believe you're talking about horses right now. This is so not

okay. It's just, like, super weird that, like, a giant wooden horse turns up,

like, literally the day after the Greek flu.

Can we please talk about the massive elephant in the room?

No way there's an elephant, too. Wow. Bro, she's pouring her heart out down

there.

Okay, is it just me, or did that massive wooden horse just speak? And did it

not, like, sound like the Greek hero Diomedes?

Diomedes? Yes, but it's been hiding.

Yes, I'm sorry, bro. I'll be quiet.

Yes, sure. Okay, is the horse now arguing with itself?

It's making horse noises, Deophobus. It's a horse.

Get over it.

No, no. Like, I hear that. I hear that. It's just like, should a wooden horse

be, like, making any noises, like, at all?

Quiet. Quiet.

I don't know, Deophobus. I'm not, like, a horse at bark.

I'm just someone trying to have a combo with her hubby.

No, no, no. Like, I hear that. I hear that. But it's just like... This wooden

horse could be full of, like, enemy soldiers or something.

And, like, letting them into the city would be, like, serious yikes.

You will do anything to avoid talking about your feelings, won't you? What's

next? You're going to tell me my ex -hubby Menelaus is in there, too.

Yeah. Hi, hon.

Shh, guys.

It's a wooden horse. It doesn't need your kick -up.

Just think of some lips.

Okay, fine.

I'm going to do impressions of all the Greek captains' wives, and if they're in

there, they'll have to reply.

That's amazing.

Let's do it.

Hello, Odysseus.

It's your wife, Penelope.

How are you in there?

Oh, gee, Odysseus, your wife's outside.

Cracking impression, baby. OK, OK, my go, my go. I'm going to do Menelaus'

Menelaus, I am your wife.

Hang on.

Are you with Menelaus' wife?

That's a really hurtful impression, actually. Is that really how you think I

sound? Um, no.

It is totally how you sound.

Okay, fine.

I'll settle this.

Menelaus, are you hiding in there with a bunch of Greek soldiers?

Um... No?

There.

Okay, well, I can't argue with that. Better take it inside the city and leave

unguarded all night.

Fine. I'll get him from home.

See you later, Helen!

Oh, I give up.

After the war, Odysseus returned home on a journey that was described in an

ancient poem called The Odyssey, written by me, the Greek storyteller Homer.

His trip took ten years and was filled with terrifying encounters with mythical

beasts like the Siren of the Sea, a deadly creature whose singing voice no

could resist.

It's just like me when I'm singing in the shower.

People can't resist!

Shouting, put a cork in it, Homer, you're scaring the donkey.

Charming.

She was the most enchanting creature in the sea.

The Little Siren.

Half woman, half bird?

Well, fish would be silly.

Yeah, I guess.

She dreamt of being with people.

Well, being with them while eating them.

When they hear me sing, they can't resist my voice, so they jump off their

boats.

You sound so beautiful!

A voice so beguiling, men would die for it.

Starring Odysseus, the Greek hero on his way back from the Trojan War.

I, Odysseus, am too strong and heroic to be tempted by your song.

But I have asked my men to tie me to my boat just in case. Men, protect your

ears. He's the hero who survived by being tied to his mast so he couldn't

overboard. And who told his men to fill their ears with rag so they didn't heed

the siren's call.

Ah! The Jews!

I must go to you. Even though I'm married and you're mostly seagull, we

make it work.

Also starring legendary hero Jason and his Argonauts. Another ship full of

Greeks in my collection.

But in Jason and one of his crewmates, she had finally met her musical match.

Who is that?

Orpheus, keep playing your song. Orpheus.

who the myths say with his lyre drowned her out with the most beautiful song in

the world.

The Little Siren.

Nobody can resist her charms.

Except Odysseus, Jason and Jason's mate Orpheus. And any other Greek who wanted

to show they could outsmart her, really. Whatever. I don't fancy Greek for

lunch, anyway.

The ancient Greeks really did believe in all these gods and their myths. And

these stories are still everywhere you look today.

They're in our books.

and films, and they live on in the stars of the night sky.

Ooh, something ancient astronomer Ptolemy has a little tune about.

Up there's a sky, up there's a sky full of mists.

I'm Ptolemy, I wrote them down in a list.

If you look high and screw your eyes up a bit,

you will see all the myths.

Lyra's there, it was played by Orpheus.

Pegasus and Perseus too.

That one's a bull that we call Taurus.

That bull is deuce.

Just think of constellations like Big Dot the Dots, man.

That one's Hercules, or Heracles if you're saying it properly.

There's Cancer, the crab that bit Heracles' foot. Leo, the lion that

killed. Triangulum, the triangle.

Well, they can't all be great stories.

Over there, that Lord of Cassiopeia

The great bears up there too

Cause in the sky, the

Greeks we put All the myths, all our stories on view

I wrote down 48 constellations in my 150 AD book, The Almagest. So, what does it

mean? Oh, the greatest.

Is that referring to me or the stars?

You decide.

I think you know the answer.

Look up there, everywhere, you see stars.

Well, if the clouds...

Up there's a sky, up there's a sky full of myths. Oh, yeah. And the moon.

They're half birds with big bird claws.

Big bird claws.

They're extremely violent. Oh, dear.

It's juice.