Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, lively stewards, more Victorians, woeful

wars, ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights, horrors that divide

description, cut pro -castles, royal egyptians, vicious vikings, cruel

partners and from ancient times, Romans, rotten rags, and ruthless cavemen,

savage grids and tubeless, groovy Greeks, brainy satyrs, mean and mean

ages, gory stories, we do that, and your host at Gawking Rap, the past is no

longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

Horrible Histories presents Ruinous Rivals.

From 20th century Germany comes the musical tale of the Dassler Brothers,

conflict changed the world's sports footwear.

Horrible Historical Musicals presents Best Show Story.

We make our shoes in Hazogonoa. Our shoes they make, just they always go

One that gold medals in 36.

900 meters in Dantler. Kips.

We make these shoes in Bavaria.

Just me and you in Bavaria.

Brothers unite in Bavaria. We'll never fight in Bavaria.

Two brothers whose friendship was ended when Rudy went away to war.

And Addy stayed home.

To run the company.

I'm running the company on my own while Rudy is away.

Maybe I should always run the company on my own.

Not right,

not right.

He's gone away to fight.

From heel to toe, my soul says no to sharing.

And so...

Adidas shoes were born. But when Rudy returned from the war, a rivalry was

forged. I will create a rival shoe company right here in Bavaria. Guess

going to call it. Yeah, what is that?

Oh.

Uda shoes.

How about Puma?

Sounds more... Yeah, fair enough.

Now I'm called Puma, it's safe to assume that all my consumers just can't get

enough. You wanna bet, yeah, bruv, you ain't no threat, yeah, Adidas is better

and I can play rough. You think that you're so tough.

The epic tale of the brothers whose rivalry created two of the biggest shoe

companies in the world.

There's a shoe for you.

Princess sneakers train us too.

We'll sell you all a brand new pair.

Our shoes available everywhere.

Footwear.

Footwear.

Best shoe story.

The musical with Thor.

Mine is still better than yours.

A rivalry between brothers really did create two famous shoe companies.

A rivalry is when two sides fight it out for the same thing. Like Rochester City

and Rochester United competing to be the best football team in the whole sewer.

Or me and Kattus fighting over the same bins outside the sausage shop. Oh, I'm

watching you, Kattus.

Yes, rivalries have been rife throughout history, and they can go on for years.

They can even result in war. Not that those wars end the beef.

William the Conqueror found that out when he killed his rival, King Harold,

the Battle of Hastings, which only made him a powerful new English enemy,

Harold's mum.

okay about this rebellion.

I just conquered you. I'm so peeved, I literally just poked this guy's eyes

There was a whole battle...

Ryan, out loud, look who it is.

Yeah, I would if you hadn't poked my eyes out. Oh, sorry, yeah. It's the old

King Harold's mum, Geetha.

Oh? Yeah!

You forgot about mummy, didn't you? Look, it would be

better for everybody if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered.

So, what do you say?

Why's it all gone quiet?

Hang on.

Something's happening?

Oh. I think he's getting his bum out. Oh, yeah.

But why?

Don't worry about it, Your Majesty.

Everyone does it when they get nervous.

That wasn't me. It was them. Oh, sure it was.

Oh, that is strong.

Maybe you should go and change your chain mail. It wasn't me. Do you want me

poke something else out? Yeah, can you start with my nose?

Hit him again.

I know you have them surrounded, but maybe it's time we retreated. Yeah, it

stinks.

That's right.

Fear our power.

And smell...

Introducing great historical rivals, Nero and Boudicca.

Hi, I'm Boudicca, warrior queen of the Iceni tribe of Britain. Some pain in the

Emperor Nero's backside.

I led a rebellion against Rome, and it went so well that Nero nearly abandoned

his invasion of Britain altogether.

That would have been great.

Sadly, there's something I did that people say convinced Nero to keep his

in Britain and destroy me. What was it?

Did I, A, threaten to attack Rome itself, B, accidentally burn down one of

their temples, or C, criticise his musical skills?

Well, I did burn down a few of the Roman temples, but it wasn't an accident. So,

the answer is C, I criticised his musical skills.

I never met Nero, but I heard his lyre playing was shocking, and I didn't mind

saying so.

It's like listening to an angry cat complain about the size of a sardine.

that's it!

We will destroy you with the full might of the Roman legions!

It'd be a welcome relief from listening to that racket.

Sometimes a rivalry between nations could be ended with love, not war. And

one way of stopping the fighting was to arrange a marriage between the two

warring parties.

That's what happened here in ancient Egypt, when the Hittite leader,

III, arranged for his eldest daughter to marry his arch -rival, Pharaoh Ramesses

II. It was one of the first peace treaties in history. And really, who

romance when you've got a war to stop?

Um, can somebody help me down?

I'm afraid of heights.

They say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate.

So is it any wonder that when two warring rivals look for peace, it is l

that shows the way?

Pharaoh Ramesses II is looking for love.

Or an end to war, one of the two.

I hope I like her.

I hope my wives like her as well.

Hey, do people normally bring their wives on dates?

Serious question.

You don't mind, do you?

She don't mind.

Okay!

His date is the eldest daughter of the king of the Hittites. You must be

Ramesses II.

My name is... I don't care what your name is. I'm going to call you Mafuna

Farah. It means she who beholds the falcon that is the visible splendour of

Yeah, Ra. I'm with you in names, isn't it?

Is he allowed to do that? I mean, I know he's a pharaoh and I've heard he can do

whatever he likes, but is he literally allowed to change my name?

Things are off to a bad start, because while Ramesses is pharaoh of the Upper

Nile, he's on this occasion also king of the utter vile.

Hi. You need some oil, babe? No, thanks, babe.

Apologies, my bad. You need some oil, babe.

Huh? No, what are you doing?

The oil is there to banish the Neverworld and keep you safe from evil.

You're welcome. I know that ditching this state could restart a war between

kingdoms, but right now, that seems like a price worth paying. Hey, hey, hey,

look, look, look.

We both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace.

But look, let's just put all of that aside, yeah?

Let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams.

I'd like that.

So how much am I getting, eh?

Think of world peace, think of world peace.

It's called a dowry. A dad has to give me a load of stuff when I marry her. Or

he has to stand the ting at regular weddings, let alone ones being arranged

end the war.

Ain't that right?

I've got big coins off of these lot.

So I get the gold, yeah?

The silver, the slaves, the horses, and the cows. Is that all?

And me, of course.

Yeah, of course.

How could I forget that? That's mad.

I'm going to put you down under the horses.

And they say romance is dead.

So do you think you'll see each other again?

Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit?

If we don't get married, then the war between our rival kingdoms may well

up again.

Right, I ain't got no choice.

The words every bride longs to hear. Don't worry, babes. We'll look after

There you go.

Wives, let's go.

Ignore him. What are you doing?

Yeah, I'll catch you back at the palace.

You know, I might have to be back next week because five wives ain't enough,

know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

Cool.

What an awful man.

And I thought I was the only rat on the show. Still, it's good to see some

rivals putting their troubles behind them and solving their issues in a

Oi! I knew it!

Cat's been at the sausage bin. That is it. This rivalry has gone far enough.

It's time to settle it once and for all.

And back in history, rivals had a way of settling things called a duel.

It was a one -on -one fight, sometimes to the death.

And the hot -headed Russian poet Alexander Pushkin tried to have 22 of

course, I'm not challenging her to a duel. I shall take the more mature

to settling our problems. I'll blow a raspberry and run away.

So,

what do you fancy doing tonight?

I thought we could hang out with Pushkin. Oh, really, Pushkin? You know

he's like.

He's a genius.

People say he's one of the world's greatest poets.

Yes, but he's always starting fights with people. You remember what happened

with his uncle?

Before I say this, man, I... Oh!

Pushkin, how lovely to see you. Uncle, you knew I had feelings for this woman.

go to toilet and now you are ruining my chances.

You are doing that all yourself.

We were just chatting, nephew.

There is only one way to settle this. Bring me my swords, uncle.

Adieu.

Perhaps we better avoid parties.

But come on, how much trouble could Pushkin get into at dinner?

Really? And then Pushkin tells the police officer, hey, those aren't my

trousers.

You are funny, Pushkin. You make me sound like a buffoon, and you have

anecdotes. I demand a jewel.

Definitely not dinner.

Oh, the theater?

After last time?

That play was terrible.

How could you tell? You were shouting all the way through.

Rude! A jewel.

How many jewels has Pushkin gotten himself into now? Twenty -one and

Who wants a jewel?

A jewel with this entire group of people.

A jewel right now.

Stephen! Oh, hey, Pushkin.

A jewel!

You know what?

Maybe we don't invite Pushkin.

Hey, Ken.

What are we up to tonight?

Hold that thought.

I got a jewel.

You there, prepare to die.

Oh! Oh!

It's a scratch.

I have been killed by a jewel.

Who could have foreseen such an end for me?

Everyone?

Yeah, literally everyone.

You're always fighting people.

Don't you speak to me like that.

I challenge you both to a... Dinner? Oh, yeah.

Great.

Bonjour, I am Frédéric Cornet, French war hero, and I am fighting a duel

Emmanuel Bartholomew.

Because I said some naughty things about him that he did not like. Naughty,

naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

My tip for you is to fight your dueling rival like a gentleman.

You're like a jet.

Ah, I miss.

But he still has a loaded gun, and tradition says that I cannot fire again.

So, if I'm honest with you...

It does not look good for me.

Hey, my gun does not work.

That sounds like good news.

But, as a gentleman, I must allow my rival to take his turn. So, I will lend

my gun.

Oh, thank you very much. Bye, guys. So, I will assume the position.

But, of course, he is also a gentleman.

So, he will deliberately miss.

It is the honorable thing to...

Maybe. Being a gentleman is not all it is packed up to be.

I wanted you, you silly, silly boy.

But Follow Me wins by total knockout.

Remember to follow me at at Barfollow underscore me.

It is a fun play on words.

Sometimes the fiercest beefs in history weren't just between the actual rivals

themselves. Their fans also got involved.

Believe it or not, there was quite a bit of fan feuding in the world of 18th

century opera.

Basically, each of the Swifties going up against the stylers, but with bigger

wigs and more hissing.

Oh, Lord.

I am so looking forward to this opera. I couldn't agree more, Lady Walpole.

There's so much to enjoy. The singing, the drama, the artistry. It's so true,

but most of all, what I love is cheering on my favourite opera singer, Francesca

Casoni, as she crashes her rival, Faustina Bordone.

Casoni! Casoni!

Casoni! Oh, I love my girl Casoni. She's so much better than that.

Screeching rubbish, Faustina. Oh, we hate you, Faustina. We do.

Don't look now, Lord Beddingham, but there's a couple of Faustina fans on the

approach.

Well, if it isn't the club Sony.

Good one. Yeah, OK.

Hi there, Faustinas. I'll have you know that Faustina is the future of opera

singing. She's modern, she's agile, and she can sing fast, challenging music.

And your Casoni is just a slow has -been. Dare you.

It's a classic.

I've heard that Cassone is so unquantive that Handel had to threaten to throw

her out the window to get her to do anything. I'll throw you out the window

second. And my son Horace said she's short and squat with a dough cross face.

You're short and squat with a dough cross face. No, you don't say that. Why

Because you're my wife and it's her fault.

When Christina comes out on stage, I'm going to hit her.

Every time Cassone gets on stage, I'm going to hit her.

like Faustina's things.

Absolute rubbish, mate. I hold me back.

Oh, you're going home in a horse -drawn ambulance.

Look, over there. It's Casoni and Faustina. No good at opera.

Oh, no, it was weird. Opera fans will think we hate each other.

Well, we have to pretend.

Miss Ravel is great for selling tickets.

Oh, I hate Faustina. Me too, Casoni.

Not as much as I hate you.

We love you, Faustina. We love you, Faustina.

Oh, I love a bit of opera.

Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro. Oh,

cat us. Never appreciated art, that cat.

Well, married couples really did fight over those rival opera singers, but

then... Sadly, sometimes even the best of friends can fall out and become

frenemies, as King Henry II found out when he decided to make a friend, Thomas

Beckett, the Archbishop of Canterbury, in 1162.

That did not end well.

Henry number two here, calling Broseph number one. And have I

got some news for you.

I've made you, Thomas Beckett, my bestest bud in the whole wide world,

Archbishop of Canterbury.

Or should that be Archbishop of Banterbury? Am I right?

Henners, you have no idea how much this means to me. Running this church comes

before everything.

Oh, some papers from you. I'll get straight on and boss.

Well, you're not really my boss now, are you?

It's the big man upstairs.

But you'll always be my bestie.

Sorry.

I'm not sad.

I promise. I'm very happy.

Trish, can you help me with this? Trish?

Bro, Tom, you know the whole point of giving you the church job was so you'd

it sort of how I wanted.

Could you maybe start doing that, please?

Thanks.

I'm really hurt.

I assumed that I got this job because you thought I'd be good at it, not

you thought that I'd just do whatever you said.

Get out.

Oh, no!

I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be moody.

Trish!

Help me with this.

Tommy! Dude, the whole point of me changing the rules so clergymen could be

tried in my courts, not your church courts, was to increase my power and

me money? If you undo that, you are costing me big time. Hurry up, Henry!

I've got to go.

I'm giving young Henry a bit of a coronation.

I'll talk to you when you're back.

Still VFFs and all that, you know, love you, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, no -one rid me of this turbulent priest.

He's becoming a right pain in my royal butt.

That's weird.

There we go.

You know that thing's still on?

Oh, no!

So, Henry, it's come to this. You send your knights to arrest because you're

chicken to face for yourself.

Well, open the door, Trish.

I've got nothing to be afraid of.

Right, come here.

These knights are really scary.

Quiet, you.

Henry, send help.

Oh, not that again.

Hey,

Beckett, dude.

To be honest, I'm not sure you'll get this where you are.

I just wanted to say super sod about what happened with, you know, my knights

killing you.

But on the plus side, I hear the Pope's making you a saint.

Wow.

And, yeah, maybe I'll dedicate that new London Bridge I'm thinking of building

to you.

So, we good?

Yeah?

Please don't haunt me?

Cool.

How do I change the filter?

This summer comes a rivalry 65 million years in the making.

Jurassic History.

The Bone Wars.

Two dinosaur bone hunters.

Edward Drinker Cope and Othniel Charles Marsh.

are the best of friends.

I'm gonna name this dinosaur Tionius Martia. Oh, after me?

Well, I'm naming this one after you.

It's called Edward?

Uh, no.

Mosasaurus Copanus. Oh, well, I guess that's good, too. Thank you, friend.

But when Cope takes his friend to a quarry in New Jersey searching for

a rivalry is born.

What?

What kind of bones to pick with you? You asked the quarry workers to tell you

about their fossil finds before me. You can't prove a thing. Mr. Marsh, we

discovered something. And you asked us to tell you before we told him.

A betrayal that leads to fierce competition.

Well, I had to rush it, but I've done it. My drawing of an Elasmosaurus has

printed in a very important journal.

Shame you put the head at the wrong end.

Oh! My reputation!

I'll have to try and buy up all the copies just so nobody can see my shame.

When a friendship becomes a rivalry, strife finds a way.

Dear sir, I have a story for your newspaper about a certain Edward Drinker

Oh, and I don't suppose you know where I can hire a spy?

How dare you spy on me? Well, what are you doing right now?

Rivalry in tooth and claw.

Jurassic history. The Bone Wars.

It'll be dynamite.

Wing Royals were also prone to the odd rivalry, which meant things could get a

bit icky between us. And by icky, I mean massive invasion -y. Although, of

course, it never had anything to do with me.

Sorting out the beeps of the past.

Pharaoh Kapoor, don't tell me how to run my great courtroom.

I don't tell you how to build a great pyramid.

With the justice of today.

Although pointy -eyed up, just saying.

Welcome to Time Beats with Judge Rinder.

Empress Dowager Serchi of the Qin Dynasty China is going up against her

and royal rival, Queen Victoria, regarding a rebellion taking place in

1899.

Right. Now, you might be the combined rulers of over 800 million people, but

this courtroom, I'm in charge.

Now, Empress, what's the issue?

We're having a slight disagreement about how her country won't stop invading

Mars. Oh, here we go.

Uh, talking.

It all started with the boxers. Oh, love boxers. Let's get ready to render.

No, no, no. Not that kind of boxer, babe. The boxers are a secret society of

people in China, and they've started a rebellion.

Now... Britain is using that as an excuse to invade.

Ha, ha, ha, classic us. So, I send telegrams to Queen Victoria, reminding

our special connection.

We're both older leaders ruling over vast populations.

No, she is obsessed with me. Apparently, she has a portrait of me in her room.

Thank you, just one.

You see? Well, at least I run my empire.

You have hardly anything to do with your country's decisions.

I am just as much of an empress as you are. Then will you stop invading?

my country and stealing things.

Oh, how dare you? I do not steal things.

Oh, yeah?

Tell them about the dog.

What about the dog?

Well, your lovely Rinderstee, one of my returning soldiers brought me my darling

little Pekingese from China, which, it just so happened, had been looted from

her palace.

But how was I to know it had been looted?

They called the dog Looty.

Maybe she likes playing the lute. She stole the dog from me.

I want a dog from her. What? Give me a dog.

Right, we're obviously not going to sort this out today. I suggest we adjourn

and come back tomorrow.

No, soz, babes. I'm not available tomorrow.

Why on earth not?

We're evading China.

Unbelievable.

So, if we've learned anything, it's that rivalries don't often lead to things

improving. And that's why Katis and I have made up Strokey Strokey

BFFs Forever.

Yes. it's always better to settle your differences in a friendly way.

These two haven't paid any attention to that.

Royal rivals King Philip II of Spain and Queen Elizabeth I continue to annoy

each other throughout their lives in pretty much any way they could.

I'm Philip II, I'm the king of Spain.

I'm Elizabethan over England, Iraq, and... I'm Alicia's sister, Mary Warren.

But I'm queen now that she has gone.

I need a new wife, you're the perfect fit.

Apart from the not being a Catholic fit.

If we get together, our conscience can be friends. And if I say no, the

friendship...

Get everything I'm looking for. It's an easy decision.

All you gotta do is change your religion.

You know what, Philip? I'll take my chances. I'm not interested in having

romances. European big enough for the both of us.

If that's the way you want it, I can cause a fuss. I got the power of a

empire I can deploy, yeah. Well, I'll do everything I can just to annoy you.

A war of words, a war I'd see.

I'll send friends and freaks to steal your treasure.

I'll back your enemies for good measure.

I'll beat the 14 lords of Catholic blood to have you replace the Mary Queen of

Iscar. Oh, do what you like, then don't tell me much.

I'll get you involved in a war with the dirt.

Let's see how you cope with my Spanish Armada.

Is that all you've got? You're gonna have to try.

Okay, so my amount of time not to be a threat has actually landed me in quite a

bit of debt.

We'll turn the screw and send our own fleet and lose 40 steps and accurately.

Is this constant warning ever going to end? Could it be so different if we

have been friends? So let's both dive in for hostility's sake and leave it to

our subsistence to work our feet.