Original subtitles

Welcome to Horrible History.

Horrible Histories presents Hideous Homes.

Home sweet home.

Of course, your home's probably different to mine.

It'll certainly smell better.

And I expect now and again you get visitors.

I don't get many down here. I mean, I do get the odd visitor. Then it'd have to

be odd to visit someone in a sewer.

Anyway, back when she was queen, Elizabeth I...

liked to visit people.

She'd go and stay in other people's homes all over the country during the

summer, whether they wanted her there or not.

Queen Elizabeth is here.

You are honoured with a visit on her seasonal tour of the country.

Ah, she's here.

Don't answer the door!

What are you doing? It's the Queen!

We can't let her stay with us. Why not?

I have just learned that Sir Robert Dudley nearly went bankrupt when she

with him. He put on fireworks, hunting, dancing, and he had to build her her own

pleasure gardens and apartments.

Her own apartments? Yes. She stayed for nearly three weeks.

Well, we've already built our extension.

We may as well use it.

No. Don't.

Excuse me. The Queen is here and she has been waiting a while now.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

The Queen has 300 courtiers. We simply can't afford to have them stay.

But if the Queen enjoys her stay, it could open some doors for us.

Yes, she'll stay even longer and it'll open the doors to the debtor's prison.

It's the Queen!

We can't just leave her outside.

She saw all of Sir John Buckery.

Tell them it's me. It's me.

I'm not the Queen. It's the Queen.

If we don't let her in, we could be accused of treason.

And that could mean she cuts off our... Privileges? No.

Heads.

Yeah, that is way worse.

They clearly haven't heard us. We're just going to have to break the door

I need a royal week. Come on.

OK, fine.

I suppose it's not for long. Right.

It can't be that bad.

Open up in the name of the Queen!

Put it in the bag.

Now, where am I sleeping?

Put that back.

Elsie, there will be a lot of important guests and trade to give for the ball,

so your duties as maid have been extended today.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Where do you want this, sir? In the dining room, Jones, and please be

not to... Clear it up, Jones. There's much to do today.

Give it a second.

Now. As head butler, I shall be dealing with any visitors at the door. But you

should learn the different knocks in case I'm unavailable.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir, did you say different knock? Yes, I would leave it with Jones the

under butler, but it gets me flustered answering the door.

I just spotted this fellow trying to push his way through the wall. When I

grabbed him, his head fell off.

As you can see, he's not the shiniest of spoons in the cutlery drawer.

Now... The number, the volume and rhythm of the knocks is an established system.

I mean, how else would you know who's on the other side?

Perhaps you could open the door, sir.

Please.

You've got a lot to learn.

One must know who's there so one knows how quickly to open the door and in what

manner. Now, pay attention.

One light knock is for tradesmen, servants or beggars.

Two knocks.

is for someone here on business.

Two for on business.

Three knocks is for the master of the house or frequent visitors.

Very complicated, isn't it?

Four knocks is for someone of high standing in society but below the

Four firm knocks.

For lord or lady.

Lord or lady. Yes, Elsie. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. I mean, as long as I

get it vaguely right.

No! Precision is everything.

A servant will be instantly dismissed if they get it wrong, Elsie.

Perfect test.

A single knock.

Oh, two knocks. A business man.

The master's home.

Two groups of four. A baron or an earl.

Oh, with the postman.

41 milkmen and a woodpecker?

There can only be one explanation.

The king himself is here.

Your Majesty.

Sir.

Hope the Hammington didn't disturb himself just trying to fix the knocker.

Jones!

Protecting your home is important.

We Georgians loved a bit of home security.

In fact, we even had a time of day called shutting in. That was the time

sunset and bedtime when we'd lock up the house.

But tell me, which of these things did we actually do at night time to keep our

house secure?

Did we A, fit our windows with bars in the shape of a cross?

B, install bells and tripwires around the house? Or C, make our servants sleep

across doorways?

The answer is A, B.

I told you we loved a bit of home security.

Isn't that right, John?

Yes, ma 'am, we did.

Are we looking secure, John?

I have no idea, ma 'am.

All I can see is a bit of old door and some carpet.

Any chance of a pillow?

Shh! You're supposed to be a silent alarm.

Ah.

During King James the Fast Reign, people could get some seriously unwanted

guests in their homes in the form of priest hunters.

The king had banned practicing Catholicism, so people went to great

hide their Catholic belongings and even priests like me inside their homes.

Oh, no! The priest hunters are here! Hide!

Pretend you didn't see me.

Since the Catholic plot to kill the king, it's become more important than

for we priest hunters to hunt for hidden priests.

Well, you won't find any Catholic priests hiding in my house.

My sisters and I are law -abiding Protestant folk.

We even have a Protestant prayer book on the shelf.

Please, allow me to show you any part of the house other than this.

That was close. I think I soiled my robes.

The priests have all been ordered out of the country. But I think there may be

one or two left.

It's so hard to believe.

Well, all this searching must be tiring. Why don't we sit here and light the

fire? No, no. I think I heard a priest.

What? Where? There, under the creaky floorboard.

There are little pieces hiding in this house. I can feel it.

Methinks it's time for a change of tack.

All right. Well, that's it.

Looks like there are no priests or Catholics here after all, so I'll leave.

Bye for now. I guess if there's anyone hiding, it'll be safe to come out when

they hear the door shut.

Don't.

Well, I guess that settles it. Fanville, I clear you of suspicion.

Quite right, too.

Now, which is the way out? Down the stairs to the left.

Oh, thanks.

That's very helpful.

Welcome to my favourite place in the home.

The bathroom.

Bathrooms are a place where amazing things can happen.

No, not that.

I mean, with bathroom innovations.

Famous author Charles Dickens was a big fan of home modernisation and actually

had a new bit of technology installed in his bathroom. Mind you, his family

weren't so sure about it.

Horrible Horror Studios presents... What's happening

again? He promised we'd be free of it.

The Demon.

I can't. We must.

It's the only way.

It's like it's in the heart.

It has to end, Mary.

It has to end.

No!

Starring acclaimed author Charles Dickens.

Hello, dears. Just having a shower.

The demon.

Oh, I do wish you would stop. calling it that. It's just a shower.

A bit chilly.

Well, better freezing cold than pleasantly warm. Featuring Mary Dickens'

daughter. Daddy, no.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

We're so lucky to be one of the first houses in London to have a shower. And

Catherine Dickens' wife.

It's annoying.

And the screaming.

Yeah, the screaming's actually really annoying, Dad. There is no shower like

demon. That is my creed.

There is but one sea, and the demon is its showerer.

In the shower, everyone will hear you scream.

He really doesn't want to shift today.

I said yes, I heard, Your Majesty.

It's just air.

It's all that meat I ate. Perhaps the new cushion is affecting your

Majesty.

This on -the -down toilet cushion is super soft, like pooing through a cloud.

You should get one fitted to your private toilet. I don't have a private

Your Majesty.

Oh, I forgot.

I have a private toilet because I'm the king, and you...

What is your job again?

I'm groom of the stool, your majesty. I'm responsible for your personal

and... Oh, look.

Yeah, well, you're not doing a very good job, are you?

It's still stuck!

Why don't you just try and relax, your majesty?

Think of something that calms you. Where do people like you go to...

Toilet. Well, many of the courtiers and servants simply use the great house of

easement, which can seat up to 14.

Well, that big, sticky block all the way down by the moat. Yes, Your Majesty.

What do you do when you just need to tinkle?

Many just tinkle against the wall.

Yes, I've heard about that. It's a disgusting practice.

I've had my people talk crosses on the walls. No one would pee on a religious

symbol. Oh, those are religious crosses.

I thought they were just targets to aim for. Well, they're not. You know, like

an archery.

Archery!

I think that shifted it, Norris. I never feel more relaxed than when I'm down

the archery range.

Good man.

OK, wipey, wipey. And be thorough.

This archer's taken a wide aim.

Something the matter, Norris? I mean, you can quit this job whenever you like.

On the contrary, Your Majesty.

This is one of the most sought -after jobs in the kingdom.

Personal time with our king is rare and precious.

True. That's why everyone likes playing tennis with me, too.

Oh, I think tennis might work, too, Norris.

Henry the Sir!

My word.

After you've finished in the bathroom...

It should be time to go to bed and chillax.

But bedtime hasn't always been relaxing.

There were times in history when not only did you have to share your bed with

the rest of the family, you sometimes had to bunk up with passing strangers

And that meant a strict set of rules, or bed etiquette. Go back to bed!

Sorry.

Good night, husband.

Good night, wife.

Good night, English Taylor, who we just met this afternoon.

Can I just say, I really appreciate you guys letting me stay in your bed while

I'm passing through your village. Oh, don't mention it. In this family, we

believe in bed etiquette. Absolutely. I love a good pig.

That's what we call sleeping in a bed with one or more people in England.

Pigging. Oh, right.

Oh, I see you have a guard pig.

That should keep us safe. Oh, yes. She protects us from thieves and keeps us

warm. Fair enough.

Well, good night.

Mother, father, I'm staying in the village tonight. Any chance I can sleep

Fine, son. You get up and let our son get in between you and I.

What? Can't it just go on the end? Certainly not. Around here, we have a

order to sharing a bed.

The stranger is closest to the door. Then goes the sons in order of age. The

father and the mother. In this family, we adhere to bed etiquette. Bed

etiquette. Bed etiquette.

Good night.

Mother, father, is there room in there for one more? Oh, okay, everybody out.

Why, can't she just go between me and your son?

Certainly not.

Oh, no, no, no.

Daughters go behind the mother in order of age in the position furthest from the

door. It's basic bed etiquette. Bed etiquette, bed etiquette.

Please tell me you only have two children.

Oh, no, we have another.

She's away working in a mill in Dublin.

Good night.

Good night.

Ethel's mill closed down.

I need a place to stay.

Yes, yes, bed etiquette.

Here we are.

There we go. Good night,

Mother. Good night, Father.

Oh, terribly sorry. What does the bed etiquette say about that?

Nothing. Bad etiquette. Bad etiquette.

I suppose that's one way of keeping the bed warm.

In the earliest homes, people kept some weird stuff under their beds. And I'm

not talking about those smelly socks and manky old bowls of tarpeen cereal

you've got under yours. There are some beds even I wouldn't want to look under.

A place called Kefl Hayuk in modern -day Turkey was one of the first mass

settlements in the world where lots of people lived together in one place.

And the houses back then had a few surprising design features.

This place is amazing. I've never seen anything like it.

Ah, here we go again.

More tourists.

So many.

Howdy. But how do you get in?

In three, two, one.

Ow.

Make yourself at home. Don't worry about that.

You'll never guess what happened.

You live in the country. You heard of a new thing called a tan, so you decided

to come and have a look.

You found the houses, but you couldn't find the door. So you climbed to the top

of the roof to get a better look. Then you fell through a hole. Oh, wow.

Good guess.

Look, it's very simple. We used the holes in the roof to get in and out of

home. We used the ladder, but falling through works too.

Oh, this town thing of yours is amazing.

5 ,000 people or more all go on a school.

Please don't kill me. I'm not going to kill you. I'm just making the bed.

That's a school.

OK, I'm just going to say goodbye.

The bed isn't made of skulls. We just bury the skulls underneath, along with

bodies. Why are the bodies under the bed? Well, you wouldn't want to just

them lying around, would you?

Right. We also stick skulls in the wall.

It's nice to have something cheery to look at.

Well, he's certainly grinning. Have you not thought about, you know, just

bashing a hole in the wall? Then you could see outside.

Once we accidentally bashed a hole into the wall, but the houses were so packed

together, you just see the neighbours.

Can you please keep...

I can barely hear myself burying bodies under the floor. Um, you have a lovely

town. Right.

I'm going to go and find my friend.

Oh, here he is. All right. We've had enough of this. We're moving.

Oh, no. We'd better get out of here. Why? Because sometimes when people leave

houses here, they burn the old ones there.

Head for the emergency exit.

Where's the emergency exit? Oh, it's a hole in the roof, isn't it? Oh, oh, hold

that. Right.

That's it, mate.

Welcome to A Place In History, where I find dream properties from the past for

people from now.

This week, it's Fiona and Michael. They're two teachers from Swindon, and

they're looking for a simpler life.

Well, it doesn't get much simpler than this.

An Iron Age roundhouse.

So, guys, first impressions.

It's traditional. It's detached.

Is it made from sustainable materials?

Yes, it's made from wattle and daub, which is basically mud, straw and cow

This is insane. Let's go inside.

As you can see, this Iron Age roundhouse has been equipped with a low front

doorway. Yeah, no, I got that.

So is this the hall? This is the dining room.

Can we see the kitchen?

Right this way.

So this is the kitchen as well?

Yes. This is the kitchen diner. Great for entertaining.

Right. Bedroom? You're standing in it.

What are the neighbours like?

They're pigs.

Oh, no. Not very tolerant or...? No. They're literally pigs. And there are

on the other side. And when it's cold, they all come inside for warmth.

Does it have central heating?

Yes. It's located in the middle of the house.

It doesn't get more central than that.

Gas? Only when the cows come inside.

Please don't tell me that this is the toilet, too.

Oh, no. It has an outside toilet. By which I mean you have to go to the

outside. Anywhere you like. I'm sorry, what?

Don't worry.

You'll never smell it over the pong of the midden. That's the big pile of

village rubbish that this property has unusually close access to.

Oh, my head!

Watch out for the low -hanging doorway.

Yeah, no, it's a bit late for that. Oh, I've slipped in the midden!

It seems like this Iron Age roundhouse was a bit too traditional for this

home hunters.

Oh, it's in my nostrils. Next week, Hattie and Steve are looking for a quiet

home in York.

No -one mention the noisy neighbours.

Here on A Place In History.

Often people like to do a bit of home improvement by decorating where they

or even making it bigger. Mind you, there have been times in the past when

improvements weren't improvements at all. They actually made things quite

dangerous.

And this is the new sitting room.

Wonderful wallpaper.

It's so green and vivid.

Shields green?

We have it in our bedroom.

It's all the rage.

Yes, the only thing greener than the wallpaper is our neighbour's envy.

I wanted shields green in the library, but Hans read in one of his German

newspapers that it contains arsenic. So?

Well, it can make you ill and...

Give you a dodgy tummy.

Nonsense. If I think it was poisonous, would dear Dr Appleby have shield

-screened wallpapers right at his house?

Oh, yes. How is the young doctor? Died last week. Oh, sad.

Lucky I won't be needing him. I've never felt better.

Sorry, I'll just plop to the table.

It's coming out of me like doom.

I can get a little... queasy during the daytime that once I retire to my bedroom

I'm absolutely fine.

Strange. I feel absolutely fine in my sitting room all day and a little

when I retire to the bedroom.

Excuse me.

Georgiana feels unwell when she's in her sitting room, and Emma feels unwell

when she's in her bedroom. And those are the rooms with the shield -screen

wallpaper.

You know, I'm beginning to think I might know why we're feeling ill.

Yes? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Yes.

We pass through slums on our way here.

We all know how nasty smells can make one ill. Yes, of course, the slums.

Well, at least we know it's nice and clean in here.

Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo. It's Louie

the Fifteen.

Greetings, friends.

Louis XV, King of France. Do you have a baguette knocking on the back door of

the bakery?

Well, yes.

In which case, it's time for Plop Quiz!

Now, answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...

Listen, monsieur, during my reign, I had four flushing toilets installed in my

palace at Versailles. Is that why they call you Louis, then? Is that your first

question? No, just a bit of fun.

Question one.

Did your palace at Versailles have any other cutting -edge technology other

flushing grunts?

Yes. I had the world's first elevator installed.

It took people from my apartment to the apartment of my girlfriend, Madame

Pompadour.

We called it a flying chair.

Sounds like somebody else is going to fly across the room if we don't get a

on. Question number two.

What did you do for the toilet before you had the four looms?

Well, before I revolutionised the pooping of the French aristocracy,

used to squat and poop on the floor.

Oh, in fact, I can wait no longer, and that's exactly what I'm about to do.

No, no, no, you can't.

That is very unsanitary.

Well, I do not care, you smelly little man.

You just put your foot in it, mate.

Oh, really? And how exactly did I do that?

You put your foot in it.

Oh, no!

Join me next time when I'll be delaying more historical celebrities from having

a poo to ask them questions just for you.

The final stop is a room some people call the heart of the home, the kitchen.

just say it's where the tasty snacks are, from the fresh food inside the

to the not -so -fresh food that's been stuck under it for two years.

Ooh, I'm making myself hungry.

I think I'll have a take -out later.

Yeah, I'll take something out of the bin.

Mind you, kitchens haven't always had bins and fridges. They've changed a lot

over the years.

Right, who's hungry?

I think I saw half a sandwich stuck down the back of a radiator earlier.

Gotta love a toastie.

Mmm! Something smells good!

Wow! That feels hot.

Cos I'm boiling my pie.

We eat veggies a lot.

That's all us poor folks have got.

Boiled fat.

My bad.

I got warm rum.

the kitchen this night.

I cook it with spice.

Goodbye fire pit.

Hello fireplace pit.

There's no bed because instead I got more room.

Wow!

Living in a Tudor house.

Our nicer fools are what we use.

Yeah! Living in a Tudor house.

On the floor is where the scallions do.

I'm using pie.

In fact, I got a lot.

Yeah. And this is a band.

For pastries and flans.

I roast.

I bake.

Pie and cake.

Wow. Because I'm living in a Georgian house.

U .S. fits.

Now I feel like it. I'm living in a Georgian house.

Using coal makes cooking a stroll.

Wow! Hey, should I take him to the fridge?

Take him to the fridge.

To my brand new fridge. And do you like my washing machine?

The room's got light.

Now we're cooking at night.

Yeah! I got a secret.

To wash away stink.

Yeah!

Bitch washer too.

So now we're living in a 50s house.

All my clones, we can do without.

Living in a 50s house.

We're better off.

So let's eat out.

This all seems like a lot of effort, to be honest.

What?

How? Oh, and don't forget to take out the trash.

Papa's got a slapping bag.

I've never felt better.