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Horrible Histories

Horrible Histories presents Vow Football.

Ten minutes to go and the Lionesses lead. This could be the greatest game

ever seen.

Come on, girls.

Oh, and it's a penalty.

Wait, what?

Why's the telly gone off? Is this a bad time?

Yes, I was just watching the footy. And why are you in my house?

I'm here to interview you for our football special. You mustn't have got

emails. Emails?

Anyway, first question, Jill Scott, footy legend, how many goals did you

for England?

27. 27?

Wow. And what do you know about the history of football?

Not loads, but I know I'd rather be watching it. Well, Jill, watch this

Football, as we know it, hasn't been around that long, but people have been

kicking the ball around for thousands of years.

Seriously, how did you get into my house?

I'm a rat.

I can get in anywhere.

It's January, and with Rat Shift United bottom of the table, the manager is

bringing in new blood.

Okay, lads. Now, obviously, the team has been on a bit of a bad run, so I've

decided to bring in some buckle. And the good news is I've been scouring history

for some of the best ballplayers ever.

History? With modern transfer fees through the roof, Sam is turning to the

for new signings.

First is a ballgame player from 14th century Mexico.

Not everyone is happy.

Now, this boy, Illa Kamina, call me lads, is a Mayan pocket -top superstar

Central America.

He's literally lost every match he's played. Hang on. You said lost? Yeah, we

struggled to sign any of the winners.

Primerad did the mind, sacrificed them all to the gods.

Oh, yeah, and you have to pass it to his hips or his head.

Pocket -top players aren't allowed to use their feet.

Maybe you should play in golden.

They're not allowed to use their hands either.

But don't worry.

With him on our side, we'll soon start winning.

Whoa, whoa, he'll be. He'll be, he'll be, he'll be. Don't worry. Come here.

there.

People are nice when the winner's in our league.

Apart from all the internet.

Historical players are a nightmare, man. When you've signed three Mongol

warriors, they're to play with a severed head.

I mean, I don't care if that's how you play down the Genghis Khan. It ruins

mood.

Next up is Peng Zhizhu.

Now, Peng's a legendary Kuju player from Han China 2 ,000 years ago.

Kuju players are freestylers, but they don't mind a tough tackle either. Their

ball might be filled with feathers, but these players are made of iron. And

check this out.

Nailed it.

That's class.

You get different types of leaders in football.

You know, it might be a towering centre -half.

It might be a goal -scoring talisman.

It might be a Chinese lady from 2 ,000 years ago.

And then finally, he's the football player from the 15th century. Well, at

he knows football then.

Of course I know football.

Why do you think I bought my dirty club?

Good lad.

There are three main parts to my game. It's control, pace...

and bashing. We're going to play a 4 -3, 1 -1 -1 system.

You four in defence, you give it to Peck, who crosses it into Ilsy, who ends

into the net. Gaffer, it'll never work. The goalie will see it coming. Not with

two black eyes, he won't.

That's it.

Well, I mean, either it'll work brilliantly or everyone will be sent off

the first 30 seconds.

It's time to get back to training, but club captain Matthew Ward ain't pleased.

Right, I want to transfer.

Oh, that's great news, Sam.

Because I'm selling you for the ancient Greek episkerosy.

Don't bother packing your kit.

They're playing the news.

Men!

You have made Caesar proud this day!

How many casualties?

One dead.

Three more may not make it. Several lost limbs.

In all, half the men who went in won't be fighting again soon.

A small price to pay.

Is it, though?

What? It's just a game, isn't it?

This is more than a game, Tribune. We've been playing Harpastum for hundreds of

years. It's also a great way of building team spirit.

Of exercising in preparation for war.

How are these guys going to fight in a war when they've battered each other

senseless? Look, I love the game.

Two teams of trained killers doing everything they can to stop the other

getting hold of the small ball. Ah, the beautiful game. But it's dangerous.

According to Cicero, someone got killed last week who wasn't even playing.

They were just near the pitch having a shave. And the ball is needlessly hard,

like a nut. On the edge, son.

Help.

What's your point? Why do you insist on letting our soldiers injure themselves

so much playing a ball game?

Well, if they can do that to themselves, just imagine.

What they can do to the enemy.

If any of them are left.

Football's had a lot of celebrity fans and players throughout history.

Henry VIII owned football boots and Pope John Paul II played in goal.

He'd be no match for my head of both.

Get in!

And Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan Doyle actually played in goal for

Portsmouth. 2 -0! Even Shakespeare couldn't stop mentioning football in his

plays.

Smashed it.

You dog! You cur! You slave!

I am none of these, my lord!

I beseech your pardon!

Okay, hold it there.

Guys, I'm really feeling it. Um, King Lear, fantastic work. I just wonder if

couldn't say something even ruder.

You elephant -nosed tree fish!

I'll probably rise to it.

Oh, great work, Sheikhi!

Another winner!

We got the king here, too!

Have this man killed for treason!

I'm only joking. Okay, so what's this play called?

King Lear, Your Majesty.

It's a story of an elderly king with three daughters who are fighting over

kingdom. Aye, aye, good, good. Now, listen, cheeky. I'm getting it in the

from the Puritans who hate sport. In fact, I'm even going to have to

few new laws restricting it. So it makes me look really bad when my own personal

playwright keeps filling his plays with sports references.

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Oh, yes, you do, Sheiky. You are a nerd for sport, and you just can't help

yourself. I'm not a sport nerd.

Gentlemen, Henry V, scene two.

Well, an action. What treasure, uncle?

Tennis balls, my liege. Ah, see? Sports nerd. Okay.

There may be one or two references.

A comedy of errors, gentlemen. You know the bit I'm talking about. Am I so round

with you, with you, with me, that like a football, you'd spurn me thus? Ooh, a

football. Full of time, sport nerd. Plus, we've got wrestling, and as you

it, there's falconry, archery. Do we need to go on?

You have my word, Majesty. There will be no mention of sport in King Lear.

That's great to hear, Sheik. Thanks. Sounds good.

OK, let's go from act one, scene four, action.

I'll not be strucken, my lord.

Nor tripped neither, you base football player.

What, nerd? Oh, no.

to go and see our team, Southampton FC, or as some people like to call us, the

Saints. Shoot!

We're one of the oldest football teams in the country. We got our nickname, the

Saints, as we were founded in 1885 by members of this very church, St Mary's.

Shoot! No one wants to hear about your football team.

The vicar's about to start his sermon. We are gathered in this hallowed place

give thanks.

For last week's 3 -0 win and to pray for our beloved team, Southampton SC.

May they thrust the opposition and show them what a bunch of losers they are.

On your marks, pick off!

Welcome

to

Match of That Day, the show that gives boredom the red card. And we're kicking

off with historical What Happened Next.

Now, we have here three football fans of the past.

First up, we have Mary, Queen of Scots. One of the first known footballs was

found in her bedroom.

Next to her, it's Oliver Cromwell. He wanted football banned and said it was

sinful.

And finally, it's Edward Elgar, classical composer and Wolverhampton

superfan.

OK, guys, it's time for Historical What?

Happens next, and we're heading to 1877.

It's the FA Cup final between Oxford University and Wanderers FC from North

England. Wanderers are through on goal. He shoots, and it's saved by Lord

Kinnair. OK, what actually happened next, Your Majesty?

Perhaps 300 villagers charge in, flatten the opposition, and then they pick up

the ball, run three miles with it, place it down on a stone in order to score a

point. Classic football.

Things have changed a lot.

Ollie. Oliver.

Um, don't know. Were they all arrested?

They should have been.

Plus, obviously, in that position, he should have passed.

No. Edward Elgar. Did the goalie, Lord Kinnaird, immediately score an own goal

much to the amusement of the opposite team and supporters and myself?

There's only one way to find out.

Let's take a look.

Great celebrations from his lordship. Oh, no!

He's crossed the goal line.

It's an own goal.

Game. You're right.

The goalie scored an own goal by crossing his own goal line, celebrating

he just made. That's brilliant. What the blazes is a goalie? Wow. Well, really,

that's changed since your time.

Lord Kinnaird was so embarrassed about his own goal, he got the FA to remove it

from their official records.

Anything you'd get removed from your records, Jill?

To be fair, probably a couple of red cards I got over the years, but I'd

like to remove you from my sofa.

I'll ignore that and ask my next question. Did you know that football, as

know it, is quite a recent invention?

Really? Yes. In the 19th century, there were lots of teams all around Britain,

but they had loads of different weird... rules, so matches would just be chaos.

And that's why the Football Association, the FA, was set up to improve the game

by making sure everyone played by the same rules.

The FA began when the various football clubs met at a pub in London.

Gentlemen, thank you very much for attending this meeting.

But we hope to agree on a set of official rules for the sport of

Yeah. I see some of the biggest football clubs are here today.

The War Office Club. War Office staff reporting for duty.

Sir! The Crusaders.

The no -name of Kilburn. Who are you? Yes, and we panicked when choosing a

Sorry. And we have a representative from the rugby school club. Really chuffed

to be here, guys. I think we can all agree on the basics.

This is a game played in shots.

Yes. Where the ball is kicked towards the goal.

And the players can touch the ball with their hands.

Wait, what? Yeah. They chuck it to the teammate. He runs down the pitch. He

touches it on the try line for a try. Bob's run calls a goal. That is not how

play football.

It's how we play in rugby.

Well.

Why don't you go away and make up your own rules for rugby football instead?

Then it'll sharpen.

Right. I'm sure the rest of us can agree on the rules of football.

It's a game where the players attempt to kick a ball without using their hands.

Unless you do a really good catch anywhere on the pitch. Exactly. If you

great catch, you earn yourself a free kick -off.

No, they should just be kicking. It's called football, after all. I don't

Quite a lot of us really enjoy catching.

And no passing forward. The only way to pass is sideways or backwards. Can I

just say, this is beginning to sound a lot like my game. Shush, rugby!

Right, let's talk about goal.

The goal should have two boards.

Sure, yes, absolutely.

And then above that, some kind of bar.

No, no, no, no, no. Just two posts, and if the ball goes through the post at any

height, it's a goal.

So the rules are, you can sometimes catch the ball, you cannot pass it

and the goal is infinitely tall. This is getting scary, man. This sounds exactly

like my sport. Button it, rugby!

No, no, you don't understand this. So, all we can agree on is that you can kick

the ball. Even though throwing and catching is much more fun.

Ha! Caught it!

Right. How bad enough of this?

No!

We're on our way to watch our favourite team, Everton FC.

Although some people call our team the toffee. And here's why. The ancient

Everton toffee house.

We come here before every match for a bag of the famous toffees. Even Queen

Victoria and Charles Dickens love Everton toffee.

Hey, come on, let's hear it for our favourite team.

Well,

as you can tell, they're a bit sticky.

In the summer of 1863 comes the story of one footballer's fight to still be

allowed to kick people during a match.

Francis Campbell stars in Kick Him Like Campbell.

Until now, kicking another player's shins to get the ball, hacking, as we

it, has been legal. But we at the Football Association propose to ban it.

Over my dead body. What are you going to do about it, Campbell?

Oh! Oh!

I should have seen that coming.

Burning shame -kicking.

What do you think you will do away with the courage and pluck of the game?

I'm leaving the Football Association and I'm taking my football team,

Blackheath, with me.

Oh!

I supported it!

Campbell was a man who played by his own rules.

At least that was the plan.

Step foot hacking! Well played, Blackheath.

Haven't you heard?

Your team are bad at hacking too.

What? Why?

I do get that now, actually.

Kick him right, Campbell.

That's smart.

Hacking its way onto screen soon.

Hello, I'm Lady Florence Dixie.

activist, adventurer and president of the BLFC, the British Ladies Football

Club, the world's first women's football club. And this is my pet jaguar, Affen,

who I brought back from my travels in South America. No, don't run.

There's nothing you want to play.

This man is a newspaper journalist who wrote an article about my team the year

after it was formed.

But what complaint did he make about women's football in the article?

Was it, A, that there weren't enough women's teams, B, that the kits we

in allowed our legs to be seen, or C, that women's football was much more

dangerous than men?

The answer is B.

The newspaper actually complains that our football kits allowed the calves of

our legs to be seen.

Although, I must say, football can be dangerous, particularly for journalists

who say mean things.

Isn't that right, Appen?

The British Ladies Football Club was founded in 1894, so women's football

have been going strong for almost 130 years, Jill. However, the FA banned it.

What are your thoughts on that?

I just can't imagine being banned from playing football.

I know!

So, yeah, about 100 years ago, women's football was massively popular, right up

until the FA shut it down.

Talk about foul play.

I say, is this the Dick Kerr Ladies Football Club?

Yeah,

we are. The best team in the country. We're practically unbeaten this season.

Oh, and ball.

This is Lily Parr.

43 goals in her first season as a player. Legend.

That may be, but as of the 5th of December 1921, you ladies cannot play

What? What's tomorrow? Why?

The Football Association have banned women from playing football on FA

including this one.

But why?

People just don't really want to see women play football.

We had 20 ,000 people come and watch us play last week. They were turning them

away at the gate.

Well, football is a man's game.

The game is unsuitable for ladies. And personally, I feel that women aren't

physically strong enough.

Listen,

mister. We play two matches a week and this isn't even our proper job.

We build trains Monday to Friday in the factory, so don't you worry about us.

Well, I'm sorry, but the doctors say that the physical exertion from football

could be dangerous to...

Delicate ladies such as yourselves.

This is ridiculous.

We're the most popular team in the country.

Football is our life. What will we do instead?

Well, I don't know. Speed knitting?

Oh! Maybe full contact jamming. How about a five -a -side flower arranging?

arrange them. Flowers right up your leaf. So that's it, then?

We're banned?

Yes, yes, yes, you are. Why?

Lady, shooting practice?

I say, what are you up to? Oh, Lily!

Oh!

Welcome back to Historical What Happened Next. This time, we're in 1930 at the

first ever World Cup. The USA are playing Argentina in the semifinals, but

happened next?

And the USA are on the attack here, and oh no! The striker's gone down with what

looked to be a knee injury.

On comes the physio.

Let's hope it's not too serious.

Mary, what actually happened next?

I actually attended one of the first ever international matches over 400

ago. Some of my French and Scottish attendants took on a team of English

servants. The game lasted for over two hours.

It was brutal.

Oliver Cromwell. I refuse to comment.

Football is a frivolous game.

But didn't you play football back when you was at university?

It was a wild rumour started by an old friend who was probably annoyed because

never passed in the ball. Did the crowd at the top of their voices scream and

shout? He banged the leather for the goal. I started that chant at Wolves,

it's the first football chant anywhere.

That's true, but the wrong answer, I'm afraid. What?

Let's take a look.

He has some chloroform there that will put the player to sleep if he's in too

much pain.

Oh, no, he's dropped it. The chloroform fumes look to be taking hold, and yet

he's knocked himself out.

I know some matches are dull, but who goes to sleep too in the middle of an

exciting game?

I shouldn't have asked.

USA lost to Argentina 6 -1 in that match, Jill. What was the worst

defeat you suffered in your career?

I think it was the Euro 2009 final. We actually got beat 6 -2 off Germany.

What about the biggest hammering you gave someone?

Oh, well, it's probably not a hammering, but we've got our own back in 2022 with

that Euros victory at Wembley. I still can't believe the physio knocked himself

out there, though, Jill. What's the strangest thing you've ever seen on a

football pitch?

I went to a Sunderland match once and the player scored and it deflected in

a beach ball.

That's a good one. Here's a good one, though. A match from 1945 involving

Arsenal in which their toughest opposition was...

Welcome to London for today's match. At least that's where we think we are. We

can't actually see anything through the fog.

I think that was a whistle, Roger. Yes, Arsenal are now down to ten men.

No, they're back up to eleven. The sent -off player has feet back onto the

pitch. That's surely against the rules. It certainly is, Gabby, but no -one's

even seen him do it.

And it looks like Moscow are sneaking an extra two players onto the pitch.

They've got 13 players now, Gabby. I think there may be even more than that,

Roger. It's very hard to tell.

And last, some action. The goalkeeper could be tested here.

Oh, no, no, no. The Arsenal goalkeeper has knocked himself unconscious on the

goalpost. So Arsenal are without a goalie.

No, one of the Arsenal fans has come onto the pitch and is acting as

goalie.

And the ref has blown his whistle for what we can only hope is the end of the

game.

And at full time, the score is possibly 4 -3 to the Russian team.

Excuse me.

Do you know where the changing rooms are?

Changing rooms? I can barely see Roger, and he's standing right next to me.

Roger?

Gabby? Can I help?

Hi, I'm Ken Aston, head of the referees' committee. And this is Antonio Rat...

Right.

I don't think he's very happy. Claro que no estoy contento. As you can see, he

just got sent off for the 1966 World Cup quarterfinal and no one really knows

why. Communication between referees and players was pretty confusing in the old

days. Luckily, after watching this match, I had the idea of using red and

cards to make things clearer. But what gave me that idea?

Was it, A, my three -year -old daughter painted my credit cards?

B. Antonio got so angry his face went bright red. Or C.

I saw a set of traffic lights.

The answer is C.

I saw some traffic lights on the way home and the colours gave me the idea

yellow and red car.

Unbelievable!

They are unbelievable. Thank you.

Welcome back to...

What happened next? For our final question, we're heading to 1902 and a

match in Germany.

Lovely run there. He turns the defender.

Schmidt must score.

Oh, but the refs blow his whistle.

So why did the referee blow his whistle?

A football is made from a pig bladder wrapped in a deer skin.

So did an angry deer run onto the pig?

And then take it down to where the sun don't shine.

Oliver Cromwell.

Oh, I care not for such trifles. But if I had to guess, I'd probably say, is the

match stopped so someone can carry a coffin across the pitch?

I'm afraid that's absolutely ridiculous.

And absolutely correct.

What? Yeah, there's kind of a logic if you follow through.

MSV Doosborg's pitch is next to a cemetery, so the game must be paused

a coffin needs taking across.

Very respectable form from these players.

Oh, but what's this?

I suppose you could call that deadly accuracy.

Really?

Well, that's it for match of that day. See you next time.

Jill, what's your favourite thing about football?

I think it has to be just being part of a team, making lots of friends. I think

that's the most important thing.

Now, we usually finish with a song. What's your go -to karaoke banger?

It has to be Sweet Caroline.

I knew you'd say that. Although finishing with that would be interesting

memorable in all kinds of ways, Jill. I think we'll go with this one instead.

I'll just pop the TV back on.

We know that football's more than gold.

Way back in 1863, we

decided to agree.

Rules of play, the FA.

Even more rules applied Like how I was offside And I was goalie Teams

got fancy shirts Different for the keepers

Play on grass or dirt Rules to stop the cheaters

Till they banned us.

I was thinking hard about rules while stuck in traffic.

Red and yellow cards made rapping more dramatic.

why I'm here.

Best thing to play is football when you're keen on it.

The park is no longer a mid -street pub.