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Horrible Histories

Horrible Histories presents... Top Dads!

Since the dawn of time, fathers have helped look after their young,

passing down vital survival skills, such as making fire.

And running away.

He will teach them how to make tools, the shaping of flints, and

also running away.

And he will pass on vital knowledge for choosing what is safe to eat and what is

not.

And running away.

There's a lot of running away.

And with every dad comes that greatest of inventions.

The dad joke.

Which often misfires, upsetting everyone.

But despite his mistakes, the father will do his best to teach his children

skills they need to succeed in life.

Like running away.

So much running away.

Fathers, doing the best for you since the dawn of time.

Kind of.

Welcome to a celebration of Dad throughout history. And who better to

than my dad?

Hello, son.

All right, Dad. Now.

Most fathers love all their children equally.

I do, and I've got 50.

No, 60.

No, no, 50.

Hang on. There's Rattus, Rattistopple, Rattigale, Rattilda.

Don't name them all. Anyway.

Not every dad in history was as loving as mine. King Henry VIII wasn't very

to his daughters. Not only did he take the title of princess away from his

daughter Mary, but he might not even have known how many kids he actually

Yeah, first few days with a new wife and things seem to be going well.

Jane, champion, this is my third and final wife.

Henry VIII and his three wives, people will say.

Oh, big hug.

You know what would be, like, really, really amazing?

Yeah? Getting the whole family together for, like, a big kind of get -to -know

-you party.

Really? Will there be food?

Yeah, sure.

Brilliant idea. Yeah, invite everyone. OK.

Hey! Hiya!

Jane, quick, get in.

Ah!

Stepmother dear.

Yeah? Why don't you let me send out all the invites to the party? Oh, sorry.

That's so sweet of you.

Do you know what? I was actually a tiny little bit concerned that you might be a

bit angry.

What with Henry saying that you weren't princess anymore.

I know.

I does.

That's all ancient history.

Yeah. You.

Hands in for family.

One, two, three. Happy family. Happy birthday.

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Family's all here, food's all here.

Bazaar! Let's eat.

Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.

Really?

Jane's here. Hello.

You're here. Elizabeth is here. I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up

I... Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No offence, girls, they were your mums.

But we're not all your children, are we?

Henry Fitzroy in the house!

Hey, Dad, I got the invite.

Well, I did say I'd invite everyone, didn't I?

Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son. I wasn't married to his mum, so he

can't be king, although he is awesome.

So if we don't have a son, then I'd want him to be king over the girls. Again,

no offence, girls.

That's it.

But still not everyone.

Really? We're just getting started.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Thomas... Stookley.

Stookers. So, I knew Thomas Stookley's mum.

Quite well.

Oh, very well, actually.

I mean, it's pure speculation, obviously. I mean, no one can be sure.

Shall we eat?

Don't get too comfortable, Daddy.

I've just started.

It's Catherine and Henry Carey.

Look, Elizabeth.

It's your cousin. Or, potentially, half -sibling.

Two of them!

This is going to be a really long evening for me.

Everybody knows I went on a couple of dates with Amberlynn's sister, Mary.

not a secret.

Also, sorry, how do they have beards? They're 11 -year -old children, and one

them's a girl.

The glue -on beards were my idea.

Nice touch, don't you think?

Well, this is nice.

Shall we eat?

Mm -mm.

Oh, look. It's Audrey Malt and John Perrow.

How many children do you have?

Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.

I may have had a few... Lots of kids who can't technically be royals because I

wasn't married to their mums. And I may have disinherited Mary from her right to

the throne, and I'm going to do the same to Elizabeth, probably.

But does that all really make me a bad dad?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Shall we eat?

So nice to meet you all.

Hi.

I'm Ramesses II, ancient Egyptian pharaoh and terrible dad.

I've got about a hundred kids at home.

Honestly, you'd expect there to be problems now and again. But what you

expect is for the river Nile itself to get upset.

Honestly, yesterday, it was in floods.

Oh,

Dad.

Because, like, you know, like, because floods, not the tears, but, like,

it's a river. No, floods are rivers. No.

Yeah, yeah, you get it.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. That's what I'm saying.

Finally get it now. See, I knew you two were my favorite.

Ramesses II really did have over 100 kids.

Oh, never mind that. Play that music again.

Oh, yeah. What a banger.

What are you doing?

Dad dancing.

We all do it.

Sometimes dads just aren't cool.

I don't know what you mean.

Whoops. That one sneaked out with all the effort. Oh, honestly.

Dads have been embarrassing us like this for centuries.

Even in the Viking times, some of their sagas said that kids of Viking warriors

thought going raiding with Dad was uncool.

Hi,

son. Me and some of the other guys were going on a quick raid and, yeah.

I wondered if you wanted to join for a bit of fresh air. Obviously not. She's

boring.

Calm yourself.

We'll see the sensitive boy.

So, how's it hanging?

How's it hanging?

Literally no -one says that any more, Dad.

What are you playing? A little bit of naffle -taffle? That's not naffle

OK? That's so 8th century. I'm playing chess.

Chess, yeah.

Cool. What does this guy do? I'm sorry. Dad, come on. Sorry. It's hard to keep

up with all this chalk technology.

They keep releasing a new one. It's a board.

What do you say?

A little bit of outside time with your old dad.

Couple of guys stalking the land, sailing the ships, crossing the wild

and unleashing fury on unsuspecting English villages and burning them to the

ground. No, it's really not my thing.

That's right, yeah. Kids today, they're not so keen on pillaging.

You know, it could be fun to, I don't know, prove yourself as a man, or

whatever. What does that even mean, a man? Talking about a Viking man, a

warrior, who stuns over his fallen enemies, proving himself to be fierce

brave enough to reach for the Lord!

Dad, I'm 12.

Yeah, well, I had a beard when I was nine.

No, you didn't. No, I didn't.

But I made a toy one out of wool, and I put it on my face, and though it was

scratchy, it made me look very, very distinguished.

You are so uncle, Dad. Fine, you don't have to come on the raid with me. I, um,

respect your choices. Thank you. Even though it's going to be awesome. Tearing

through the land. Nope. Burning down the monasteries. Nope. Listening to all the

little monks screaming around.

No, Dad!

No, fine.

Great, thanks.

Finally. I'll be gone for about six months, and I hope that no -one attacks

village whilst we're gone.

Bye.

Thanks. What do you mean by that?

Dad? Dad?

Room for one more?

Dad, you're not embarrassing!

In the past, dads often didn't spend much time with their children.

But that all started changing around my era, in the 18th century, when parents

started to think hanging out with us might be a good thing.

Take my dad.

He offered to play hide -and -seek. I haven't been able to find him for four

hours. Aha!

Oh, he's gone out, hasn't he?

Unbelievable.

Would you fetch our guests a cup of tea, please?

Thank you.

Thank you for asking me to do your new portrait. I'm looking forward to using

some of the latest fashions in portrait painting to bring out the warmth of your

relationship. Yes, well, I was thinking something like this.

That's exactly the same as last year.

Oh. How about this?

Yep. They're the same. It's not the same at all. Last year, my vibe was all, you

know, master and son of the house, whereas this year, I'm giving it owner

heir to my land vibes.

Father, maybe we should try something else. Silence, child.

If I wanted your help coming up with something that showed the warmth of our

relationship, I would ask for it. You know, it is the 1800s, and the role of

father is changing.

Modern fathers, they show affection and tenderness to their children.

Good heavens, why?

Oh, OK.

Here you are.

There. Father and son.

Right. Get him off.

Excellent. Well, I hope you have everything you need.

You'll need to stay in that position for at least a few hours.

Look, I'm not being funny.

Is there any way we could use the dog?

I don't think that's possible if we want to bring out your fatherly warmth.

Is that something we want to bring out? It is meant to be a father and son

portrait. How about a hug?

Fine, if you think it'll help.

Oh, I meant with your son. Oh.

Um, no, thank you. Look, I'm happy to look like a loving father. I just don't

want to actually be one. It's all modern nonsense. So, can you help me or not?

Hmm.

I think I may have an idea.

Yes, this is working well.

Excellent. And you can just paint in the boy's head afterwards?

Mm -hmm. Oh, there may be something to this new loving relationship, after all.

Oh, come on, Charles. We mustn't be late for our friends, especially after we

cancelled dinner last time.

Must we go, Catherine?

What on earth do you want to do instead?

You're not writing another novel? No, it's not that.

You don't want to stay home and play with the children's toys again?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Come off it, Charles. You bought

model toy theatre for little Charlie, and then you and your friend, Mr

Stanfield, practically built the whole thing yourself while little Charlie

watched. Yes, but then we all had a wonderful time playing with it

Oh, come on, Catherine. Let's stay home.

We can hang out with the children. Can't say you don't love being a dad.

Flaster Floby?

Mild Gloucester?

Lucifer Mock? Must you give our children such strange nicknames?

Ah, children, who's up for some fun?

It might seem silly what I'm about to say.

I know I'm a grown -up, but I want to play.

I would rather see them than some old man's face.

I don't care if we don't go there. Catherine, let's just stay.

Because I'm their daddy. Clap along, play charades, I've bought a doll's

for you.

Because I'm your daddy. It's a model theatre, will you let me play with it

Yes, I'm your daddy. I will use a funny voice whenever I talk to you.

Because I'm your daddy. And you'll know from my tone which one of you I'm

talking to.

Daddy, daddy, daddy. Come on, Catherine.

I've won you round.

Yes, he's no daddy. People might invite me out, but I'd rather stay home with

you. Yes, he's no daddy. Let's all play a baller game and sing a song or two.

He's no daddy. Clap along, sing some songs with your daddy and mommy too.

Yes, he's no daddy. We don't need to leave the house. I just want to stay

with you.

Aw. Shall I wake them up to play a game?

No.

Charles Dickens really did love playing with his kids when they were little. And

I loved playing with you when you were little, too.

You did?

Oh, yeah.

I used to tickle him until he weeded himself.

Dad, don't embarrass me.

Oh, sorry, Rattus. I won't do it again.

He'd also fart if you tickled him long enough.

So embarrassing.

But at least we were having fun, I suppose. Some dads in history were just

scary, especially if you were dating their daughter.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

She'll ruin Mr. Dickens' toy theater.

Svetlana is the one that the talented Russian filmmaker Alexei Kepler wants to

marry. But before he can even think about popping the question, Alexei needs

meet her father.

Hi, Daddy.

Your dad is Joseph Stalin?

It's the shock comedy of the year.

Meet the Stalin.

Come in. Let's get to know each other so I can decide whether to have you killed

or not.

Don't worry. I've already decided.

And that decision was?

Let's have a drink.

Alexei, I want to have a little father -son -to -be chit -chat with you. I want

to ask you a few simple questions. It's just you and me.

And all of them, obviously.

Can Alexei win over dad -to -be?

You know, when I first heard that you were dating my daughter, I was kind of

angry. How angry?

Well, I blamed it on my son Vasily. So I had him fired and locked in guardhouse

for nine days.

Ten days.

You want to go down short night, Mr. Lee?

No. Yeah, I thought so.

Why did you call me an old fart?

I would never call you an old fart.

Oh, Svetlana, when do I meet the old fart?

Oh, I did not know my phone was being bugged. Chill out, man.

Take a chill pill.

I want you to relax, Alexei.

It's almost like the fact that I am a brutal leader with the blood of millions

of people on my hands is stressing you out or something.

Ha! You're doing great, honestly.

I thought you'd be dead by now.

It's tough to be a dad, but it's tougher to be Alexei Kepler.

Wait, what did you say?

Great news from sending you on holiday.

Oh, wow.

Great.

Isn't this a forced labor camp?

I don't think Svetlana will enjoy this. She is not going.

Alexei Kepler.

Svetlana Stalin.

Daddy, did you send my boyfriend to the labor camp?

And Joseph Stalin.

Oops, what am I like?

Start in.

Meet the Stalin.

Five years is a very long holiday.

I'm still in here.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, guys. I'm William the Conqueror, King of England, Duke of Normandy, and

terrible dad to my son, Robbie.

So terrible, in fact, I make fun of him all the time. You know, people say to

me, what's Rob short for? And I say, because he's got dumpy little legs.

We call him Robert Curtis.

It means short trousers.

I'm going to rebel and start a civil war.

Brilliant!

Wait, what?

Some dads take their children with them into the family business.

And depending on what your dad does, that could be a good or a bad thing. I

followed my dad into pig farming, which means cleaning up after this lot.

What? All of you at the same time?

Seriously?

When King Edward I was dying, he wanted his son, Prince Edward, to take over the

royal business.

But the prince wasn't keen.

I don't know why.

I'd swap with him.

Right, time to clean up.

I'm going to need a bigger bucket.

Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward has battled hard in his fight against

dysentery.

Well, he does not have long left.

He wishes to speak with you.

Yes, Father. What is it?

Son, my time is close at hand.

I want you to promise me one thing.

Of course, Father, anything.

I want you to continue my war in Scotland.

Are you sure? We're not doing very well in the war.

This is my one dying wish.

Yeah, OK, of course. Sorry.

I really hate the Scottish, son.

I know you do.

Father?

Father!

He's gone.

There's one other thing.

Yes, Father, what is it? When I die, I want you to take my body.

Of course.

And I want you to boil it so that all the flesh falls off.

Boil it. Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground.

OK, right. But preserve the bones separately.

Keep them.

Out. Sorry, Father, where do you want me to keep your bones? Just somewhere

convenient. Like a chest, maybe.

Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you want

to keep your bones somewhere convenient?

So that when the Scottish rebel again... Which they will.

You can go out to Scotland with my bones and ride with them into war.

OK, yep, I do regret asking that, actually.

As long as you have my bones with you, son, you can never be defeated by the

Scots.

I could feel the light fading.

I'm passing.

Tell my people I died as I lived.

What, hating Scottish people and farting?

Father? Father!

He's gone.

How is he still farting when he's dead?

Sorry.

That one was actually me.

Hi.

I'm Genghis Khan.

Mongolian warlord and terrible dad.

When my daughter's husband was killed in a rebellion in Nishapur, I let her

reduce the city to little more than rubble and a pile of hit.

Many leaders can't do that.

But Genghis can.

Because my name's Genghis Khan.

Well, Genghis Khan.

But I think it'll work.

I do spoil her a bit.

Probably can't let her destroy a whole city again.

Maybe I'm Genghis Khan.

Khan, definitely works.

Hey, it's your boy, Ferdinand. What's up?

So, it's Bring Your Child to Work Day, and since my dad is Christopher

Columbus... Guess who's going with him on his fourth voyage to the new world.

Say hi, Dad.

Yeah, hi. I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Whatever. So let me fill you in.

Voyage number one, Dad discovered the new world.

Voyage number two, Dad took our religion to the Americas.

Voyage number three... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't need to talk about number three, do we?

Is that the one where you got arrested and deported from your own colony in

Hispaniola? Yeah, you do that one, yeah.

Awkward! So, this is voyage number four, which we're calling...

I'm not calling your dad.

He will, in time.

Hashtag Columbus is done!

Voyage, baby!

Let's go!

It is day 50 -something, so I guess bring your child to work day will last

Dad can get me home again.

But we've arrived at Hispaniola.

Dad's old stomping ground. The only problem is, they won't let us in.

Guide, please!

It's me, Columbus!

And his son!

Is this because you got arrested on your third voyage?

I thought we weren't mentioning that. Whatever.

We'll just head back out and see.

There's nothing that Columbus and Son can't handle.

Oh, a storm!

Looks like Dad's lightening up.

So bring your child to work day 60 -something, and the storm is really bad.

But it's okay, because Dad is bossy!

Does anyone actually know how to steer a ship? Because if you do, DM me, please.

So at day 320 -something, we've managed to find factory up a river in Panama.

When we arrived, this local tribe tried to stop us coming up the river, but Dad

captured their leader.

We've got him tied to the mark.

Brilliant. Columbus and son, strike again.

Oh.

Okay, okay, stay calm. For him to post any threat, he'd have to come back here

with his entire village.

Oh, look, he's back. And he's bought his entire village.

Gotta go, see ya, peace!

The good news is we were able to escape from those angry tribe people.

Bad news was we got caught in a storm and we got shipwrecked. So I guess we

wait here until someone finds us. Please, stop talking.

Columbus and Son, like and follow!

DM us if you've got any idea where we are.

Well, that's it for our historic celebration of dads.

We've met some of history's daddest and greatest dads. And some of history's not

-so -great ones, too. That's true.

So let's end by giving a massive thanks to all the great dads out there and a

slightly less massive thanks for the ones like Henry VIII, William the

and Ramesses II.

I like to hear what they've got to say for themselves.

Then you're in luck. Here they are to play us out. Thanks for helping me, Dad.

You rock.

Shall I do my dance again?

Please don't.

I'll do it anyway.

One, two, three, four!

We want a crown that says world's greatest dad.

Quite rightly, it's something we've never had.

If you ask our children, they'll certainly agree.

There's some great dads out there, just no us three.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad. I was a father who wanted a son.

When I had two daughters, I dispatched them on.

Then got a boy with wife number three.

It was my man.

Forget Liz and Mary.

Because being a dad ain't easy.

Bill, but you can't do enough.

I ditched my daughters and sent them away.

Maybe I was a little bit.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad. Robert, my eldest.

I used to call names.

That leg, that short pat, ha ha ha, that's what I gave.

Then we fell out, dad, dad, dad, dad, and the big bar knee, dad, dad, dad,

I thought we were close, dad, dad, dad, dad, but that's in my army, dad, dad,

dad, dad. No being a dad ain't easy, sometimes you just can't agree.

You end up at war on opposite sides, oh maybe that wasn't just me, dad, dad,

dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

I'm just a typical family guy.

Around 100 children by eight different wives.

It's hard being a dad.

With eight wives in the mix.

I thought I did well.

And I only had six.

No, being a dad ain't easy.

There's no tougher job on the earth.

It's really much harder than being a mum.

If you don't count giving birth.

I really love Edward, but I suppose I ought to have paid more attention to my

eldest daughter.

Me and Robert, that's a great shame. I had enough trouble just remembering

names. Being a dad ain't easy.

I wish we could turn back the clock.

We may not be the greatest examples, because you generally find that dads

Dads rock.

Dads rock.

Dads rock.

Dads rock.

Dads rock.

Rock!