Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, fighting Frenchmen, proud Victorians,

woeful wars, ferocious fights, stingy cardinals, daring knights, horrors that

divide, description, cut, protest, horrible Egyptians, action, tax, and

crime, partners from ancient times, Roman, rotten, rank, and ruthless,

savage, fierce, and tubeless, civil wars, Brady, Sadie, mean and miserable

middle ages, gory stories, we do that, and your hope's a drumming rat, the

party's no longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible Histories!

Horrible Histories presents Savage Songs!

Hello viewers, Rattus the Superstar here. Alright, I'm not a superstar yet,

more of a sewer star.

I want to be famous and filthy rich.

I mean, how hard can it be?

These days, you just need to get on one of those talent shows and strut your

furry stuff.

But in the olden days, being a superstar was all about being a leader and a

fighter and the biggest kid on the block. And they don't come much bigger

Mr. Big himself, Henry VIII, who was King of England 500 years ago. His

track is called A Little More Reformation.

It's about taking over the church and pocketing all the money for himself, the

big bully.

And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.

A little more reformational, a lot less monastries.

Want to get my hands on all their money, please?

A little less Pope, a lot more King.

I sure do hope to grab their bling. Because war with France is what'll

me. And that's sure it's pricey.

Passed the law, so the Pope's been banned.

Now I'm topped out in the Church of England.

It's going swell. I ain't got the blues.

Unless you count my jousting bruise. Got rid of Anne, her head to lose. To get

my kicks at 36, I'm up to my old violin. If the church is mine, so's their

stuff. They're about to find that I play rough. A little more reformational, a

lot less monotrees.

Wanna get my hands on all their money, please?

A little more pig, a lot less nuns. I'll sell their land to buy more guns. Cause

war with France is what'll satisfy me. And that sure is pricey.

For the church, this won't end well.

I'm sending in my man, Cromwell.

With suspicious minds and a pack of lies.

He'll ignore their desperate cries and take their land for my pride.

Refusing me is kind of reasonable, but I'm a guy who can be reasonable. I'll

offer pensions, payment schemes, but crush the monks who block my dreams. A

little more reformation, a lot less monetaries.

Wanna get my hands on all their money, please?

If those abbots don't change tack, I'll send them to the jailhouse rat. They'd

better ditch the pope and recognize me. Yeah, recognize me.

So chuck out the monk. The monk, the monk.

Chuck out the monk. The monk, the monk.

Some may quit if they can. The rest are squash in my hand. Yes, that means

they'll be slaughtered, even hung, drawn, and caught up. And in the

transformation of this monastery.

Want to get my hands on all that money?

Please.

I'll flood the buildings, sell the gold, close the libraries, those books that

are old. There's nothing you can do to try and stop me.

Because I'm King Henry.

Oh, Mama.

A little more reformation, please.

Henry has left the building.

Well, it just goes to show you need a catchy tune if you want to be

Either that or have a couple of your wives executed.

So, I've had an idea.

I'm going to write my own album full of great songs. That's bound to make me

famous. I could call it Sewertown Funk.

But I'll need a good pop star name too. What about Unclean Bandit? No? Stink

Ratty Rat?

Or maybe it should sound really awesome like Rattus the Rock God.

Well, it worked for Alfred the Great.

Back in the 9th century, he defended the country by hitting back against the

Viking invaders. In fact, he had so many hits, he deserves a gold disc.

Take it away, Alfie!

I'm not an Ethel, but I'll end up being king. They mostly ended up the wrong end

of a Viking.

Every time I spoke to Viking Guthrum to try to broker peace, he always seemed to

break his promise, so cease for Hattie's peace.

His armies entered Exeter, I caught him strife, but he fought back, though now

I'm flighting for my life.

I'm out of town.

I'm in retreat.

Don't want to end up as Viking meat.

I'm hurried off.

I am upset.

Hiding in the marshes of Somerset.

I'm on the run. No, I'm supposed to be top man. Think I'm beat, but this is me.

It's my royal master plan.

I know this land so well. I'll catch him hit and run. Mount attacks on Viking

shacks. It's like I'm on the Isle of Anthony. It's where great legends all

began. People say that while I was there, I burned cakes in a pan.

They say there was nothing left but smoldering cakey goo. This story,

must admit, it's not true.

I'm out of town, but now I see.

Oh, wait till we build a huge army.

Hanging in, getting tough.

Quite soon those Vikings will have had enough.

Now with my army, Guthrum's men, I'm whipping them. They exit Exeter, now

Chipper in Chippenham. Prove to the country I've got what it takes.

But all people ask, though, is it true about the case?

I win the fight.

I am the king.

Tough like my brothers kill the Vahai king.

I'm number one.

I am the boss.

You mess with me and that'll be your loss.

I won the war, came out on top.

Viking rule managed to stop.

I raised the stakes, I got the breaks, but I didn't really burn the

cake.

Yeah, the story goes that King Alfred burnt some cakes whilst hiding from the

Vikings, but it's not true.

Well, probably not.

But if he did, he could have had the cakes with a favourite Saxon drink

mead. To make mead, you need honey. And to get honey, you need bees.

And to get bees, you need... I'll let Alfred explain.

We Saxons love delicious honey.

And use it to make our favourite mead drink. But how do you get a swarm of

to nest in your house? Do you... A. Chuck gravel over them.

B. Attack them with a stick.

Or C.

Throw a shoe at them.

The answer is A.

When we see some bees, we sing a little song asking them to stay and then chuck

gravel over them.

That's what my servants do. It's probably better than lobbing a shoe at

because if they attack you, you've only got one shoe to run away with.

I'm full of good advice, me.

Yeah, right.

There goes one of my screaming fans.

Oh, right, she was just screaming.

If I'm going to make it big, I'm going to need some serious rock star attitude.

That'll bring in the fans.

Everybody loves a rebel, just like Boudicca. She got loads of Celtic fans,

especially when she went to war with the Romans.

Ah, vomit!

Still got it.

But when my husband died, the Romans cried,

let's take his cash.

Like a baby, I had a little cry at this terrible stage.

But before too long, I had turned this song into a violent rage.

I led a Celtic army and we

smashed the Roman crew.

Took London, St. Albans, Camelot and...

Colchester, T .O.

Rather than end up dead, Romans turned and fled from our uprising.

Their soldiers took flight, cowards found our fight unappetizing.

And so I had to run!

Wanted every Roman to pack

Boudicca's career didn't last very long, and she was defeated by the Romans just

a year later.

But then she didn't have moves like this.

Yes,

I'm wearing sunglasses indoors, and yes, I know I look cool, yeah? But that's

because fashion is pretty important if you want to be a real rock god. And the

superstar of our next hit definitely had a fierce style of his own you won't

forget in a hurry.

especially if you were a faction at the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

Let's break it down with William the Conqueror, Norman style.

We Normans are from France, it's not where we originated.

Our accents are weird, but we're not sophisticated.

Tough and terrifying, we've descended from the Vikings.

So is it anyone?

We have a natural flavor for fighting.

Norman's over here.

And you English can't obey them. Norman's over here.

Oh, that's cute. You try to fight them. Norman's over here.

We set the north on fire. Norman's over here.

A second life. Au revoir. We build cars. We love horses.

Our category.

Hey! All I miss dear.

Hey! We're great fighters.

You can hire us. But you won't like us. And we don't care.

We've got bad hair because of the chainmail that we wear.

This is Norman Style.

Jump, jump, jump, jump. Riding Norman Style.

Jump, jump, jump, jump.

Haircuts Norman Style.

Jump, jump, jump, jump.

Hands off Norman Style.

The greatest Norman ever.

Got delayed in waiting England because of the bad weather. Then chopped up your

king, Harold, and left his mummy crying.

What do you expect, man? I'm practically a Viking.

England's rightful heir.

So sign this with the confessor. England's rightful heir.

Forget Harold, the new zapper.

England's rightful heir.

This Norman's gonna rule you. England's rightful heir.

Surrender or I'll kill you. We build castles. We love horror.

This is Norman Style.

Walk Norman style. Hey,

check out horses.

Jump, jump, jump, jump. Riding Norman style.

Hey,

we will be in town.

Jump, jump, jump.

Norman style.

Bonjour, I am William the Conqueror. Before I got my ace nickname by invading

England, my army had to wait in France for several weeks due to the bad

You will not believe how much poo was produced by the Aussies during that

What was it? A, 20 tons.

B,

200 tons.

Or C, 2 ,000 tons.

The answer is C, 2 ,000 tons. So much poo.

And when you think about the wheat produced by the soldiers and Aussies, it

have been about 2 .5 million litres.

They say that war is a dirty business.

They are not kidding.

William had style all right, but he had a temper too. Not like me. I'm too nice.

Hang on.

That's my problem. If I'm going to be a music megastar, I need to be much more

demanding.

Oh, what the rat is this?

I'm me. Come on. How many times have I said a mocha macchi latte grande, not a

chocomatti cappuccini weenie?

Actually, this will do. Thanks very much.

No, no, no, no, I've got to be tougher than that. I need to become a real diva.

Like these next two warring queens from Tudor times. In fact, Queen Elizabeth I

was so angry with her cousin Mary, Queen of Scots, plotting to take the throne,

she had Mary arrested and put on trial.

Please may I have some chocolate sprinkles?

Please?

Is this a fair trial?

I am Queen Mary. There is no escape from your

trickery. No lawyer to depend or witnesses to

defend me.

The tight bump of good Queen Bess.

It's pretty done.

you clown.

Please do not carry on.

You are guilty.

Now admit it.

Mary's refusing to admit her guilt. What a shock. What a shame. A complete and

utter scandal.

Trouble to the Babington.

Say, Queen, best you've ever done him.

To the scaffold.

To the scaffold. To the scaffold. To the scaffold. To the scaffold.

Well,

at least Mary's wig didn't go to waste. I know!

I'm fabulous!

But being drop -dead gorgeous isn't enough to be a true superstar.

You need a really famous boyfriend or girlfriend too.

It's all about being in love and getting paparazzi to take pictures of you

kissing in the park and holding hands.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Although it did work for Egyptian queen Cleopatra

over 2 ,000 years ago. First, she married the great Roman leader Julius

But he was assassinated by his rivals. So then she moved on to another Roman

general, Mark Antony.

But that quickly got out of hand too.

Hello, Queen Cleo here.

I'm still sad about Julius Caesar's death.

Imagine being stabbed 23 times by your supposed friends.

Luckily, I had Mark Antony's shoulder to cry on.

It's a very muscular shoulder, and he made sure the funeral was very

But what did it include?

A. A wax model of Caesar rotating in the forum.

B. A sandcastle sculpture of Caesar's face in the Colosseum. C.

An ice cream statue of Caesar that people could eat.

And the answer is A.

While Mark Antony gave a speech, a wax model of Caesar's body was rotated so

huge crowd could see all of his wounds.

Grim. Then they grabbed Caesar's body, paraded it around, and burned it.

It was very strange.

Not the funeral, that was fine, but the fact I wasn't the center of attention

for once.

After the death of Caesar, Cleopatra married Mark Antony. But Caesar's nephew

Octavian wasn't happy about this.

And our new lovers were defeated by him in battle. Aha!

They say the path of true love never runs smooth.

But for Mark and Cleo, it ended with a roadblock.

Defeated by Octavian, that we'd we don't respect. Our faction killed an Actium

as my poor aunt has been decked. Your eye was red.

Now it's T -H -E -N -T, I'm sure that spells the end for me.

Octavian will dismay me in that case the world would love. I can't go on.

Won't be paraded round the street.

Octavian.

Not your exotic parakeet. Not your fall from victory.

I'll spoil your party. I can't go on.

I'm trying to sustain our rule. Don't hold me up to ridicule. Snap out of

you loping fool. You're not helping at all. I can't go on without my sweet

Roman. My love has gone.

I must try and capture Cleo. Octavian must not take me, oh. She'll kill

herself just for me? She must adore me.

I'll foil Octavian with this plot.

She's dead.

Not yet, I'm not.

She must not die.

So much more popular than me. I'm so tired.

This will look bad on my TV.

Anthony and Cleo gone.

What a blooming pair of drama queens.

So all hail me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yes, what an honour it is to receive this award. And I'd like to dedicate it

Cleopatra for being my superstar inspiration.

She really was drop -dead gorgeous right until she was, well, just drop -dead.

Oi, mate, that's my award!

Yeah, all right, all right.

I was only borrowing it.

OK, maybe I'm not such a superstar after all.

Turns out... Everyone thought my album, Suetown Funk, was a bit of a stinker.

Charming! Not like this next historical hit, Magna Carta, an agreement between

King John and his barons signed in 1215 that meant no -one was above the law,

not even crooked King John himself. And they're still talking about this one 800

years later.

Here's the story.

Of a very old decree Forced on King John as he made off with the revenue Of us

barons and the aristocracy He took our land and for a laugh held our sons

hostage too Magna Carta Magna Carta Told King John he's gotta be He's gotta be

subject to Laura Gretax with us too Gave his seal Gave my seal Then withdrew his

guarantee

Left to Henry III and Edward I to pass it through. And I would say 800 years

of birth, they were 800 cheers.

Since 1215, Magna Carta's been the foundation of our democracy.

By 1500, it reads that all men are free.

Even peasants just like me can tell things that it's true. For years it

vanished.

Until Edward Cook MP.

That's me.

Challenge taught the first that his own powers grew.

You'd think that Cromwell. Yolly, olly. Would agree, but instead he said. Magna

Carta. Magna Farta, more like. Not for me. I'm Thomas Jepson.

and Edward Cook is the bee's knees.

Our American Constitution incorporated his decrees.

And I believe 800 years have proved from ancient pioneers

best British invention of all, apart, of course, from

Stalker Ball.

Magna Carta! Pachata!

Magna Carta!

Pachata! Watch your doors at school.

Magna Carta! Pachata!

Eleanor Roosevelt's extended.

Dreams of superstardom have been dashed. And there were some really awesome

tunes on my album, too.

All About the Waste, No Place I'd Rather Win, and my personal favourite, Shake

It Off, That Poo on Your Foot.

Come on, only five pence a copy. Madam, two pence. Sir, one pence. Anyone?

Ah, see yourselves.

But maybe if being a singing superstar isn't my thing, what if I tried rapping?

Eh? Eh?

If I may.

The battles were all bloody. The shocking death's not pretty. But

seems sweeter when it's told in a ditty. We hope you like this show. My

favourite, if you please.

The all -singing, dancing, horrible musical, Histories.

No? Still not convinced?

Oh, why give up?

Goodbye.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's it. That's a wrap on Series 6 of Horrible East...