Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, fighting Frenchmen, brave Victorians,

woeful wars, ferocious fights, stingy Cardinals, daring knights, horrors that

divide description, cutthroat Cardinal bull, Egyptian, magic Saxons, cruel

crime, partners, but for they sometimes, Roman, rotten, ragged, and ruthless,

Normans, savage, fierce, and toothless, civil wars, brainy, faggots, mean and

measly, middle -aged, gory stories, we do that, and your host, the drumming

the party's no longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible Histories!

Horrible Histories presents It's a Wicked World!

Welcome viewers to a whirlwind trip through the historical world.

Yes, I've got the travel bug.

to go with all my other bugs.

I fancy following in the footsteps of some of the greatest leaders the world

ever seen. So I've packed up my stuff and booked a round -the -world rat

ticket. Rat -earned ticket!

Now, I just need to work out where to go first.

How about France?

French Emperor Napoleon, he certainly liked to visit different countries.

All right.

conquered different countries. He wanted to take over the whole of Europe, and

even though he was defeated in 1814 and imprisoned, he didn't give up. No, just

one year later, he escaped, raised an army, and set out to face British leader

Wellington at the famous Battle of Waterloo. Take it away, M .C. Napoleon.

Prince of Andorra. You guessed it. It's me, Napoleon.

Hello, Paris. I burst through the door. Now, everybody lift your jaws off the

floor. You act like you've never seen your emperor before. It's Napoleon, and

I'm back for war. I've just escaped from exile on Elba. Where they call me is

the cage monster.

They say I'm short, and I've got little hands, but check out my massive battle

plan. Yes, we've got to go to war one more time against two everybody, but

worry, we'll be fine. This fighting to get back was rightfully mine, which is

everything I conquered the first time. King Louis, whatever.

He ain't got nothing on me.

The greatest Frenchman ever.

Come to war with me.

French people my subject.

I brought you success.

Women used to make me nervous. But in battle, I'm the best.

I didn't come to party.

I came to get nasty.

Just stop you in at Waterloo, then I'll get back to ruining you.

You see, I'm cocky. Maybe I am. It's not my fault. It's my pituitary gland. Or

maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true. I'm a military genius and my army

loves me too. I can fairly ride a horse, but not for want of trying. I'd say

it's not my sore bum, but they would be lying. So it's the British and the

Dutch. Oh, and the Russian army, but that's okay.

The Russian leaders bar me. I'm pregnant with an elephant. Do you know what I

mean? But I really need to win before it's bigger than the team. Can't pray

rain to stop. Don't believe in God. If it carries on much longer, we'll be

in the mud. I got a hundred days, and I'm back up in this.

We're outnumbered, yes, but we can win this.

Sure, I'm a little fat.

And it hurts when I pee.

But don't worry about that.

I'll lead you to victory, baby.

I leave the fridge on me. I wasn't really that tiny.

Look out, world. Wait and see. You're about to see the best of me.

Just got to beat Wellington, which almost nobody has done.

And I'll go down in history, cos what to lose my death?

Hello!

I've just arrived in the Holy Land during the Middle Ages.

At least Napoleon isn't here with his armies.

Or his feeties.

Don't think I'll get much peace and quiet, though.

The Crusades are in full swing, with Europe trying to reconquer the Holy

which has been lost to Muslim forces.

But the Crusaders have more than met their match. Now they've come up against

the Muslim leader, Saladin. When it comes to fighting in the desert, no one

smarter. This guy is Saladin Credible.

The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem, but we can deal with them here by the

horns of Hattin.

Kill them! Kill them all!

Patience, my friends. We must be cleverer than that.

We can attack them in a different way. We're in a desert. So ask yourself, what

do they need? A good kicking.

No, no, no. A sword through their skull.

Kill them all. No, no, no.

Think about it. Think about it. What must they do every day in the desert?

No, no, no, not that. Put it this way. What must we all do? What must we all do

every day to survive?

Go toilet?

Other end. Other end. Brush their teeth.

What is this? What is this?

Water!

Water! Water!

I totally drink water every day. So, what must we do?

Kill him!

Kill him! No, no, no. Go back.

To the water. Think water.

Drown them. Drown them all.

How am I supposed to drown them? In the paddling pool I keep on my camel?

You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Oh, thanks for that. That's

really helpful.

What happens in a desert if you don't drink your water?

They have nothing to wash their salad in.

Saladin. It's called salad in.

What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?

They get thirsty.

And what happens if you still don't drink the water?

You get the bad skin.

No choppy lips. No pat -pat stage, okay? What happens next?

You die.

Yeah! Boom! One point to idiot number two. Well done.

Where do they need to go to get their water?

Begins with a W, ends in an L.

Wall.

Rhymes with bell.

Cello.

Well.

Yeah!

So we go to the well. We block their access. They cannot drink any water.

get weaker and weaker until they can barely stand.

They're about to die.

And then we can finally... Kill them all! Kill them all!

Through the well!

Wait, wait, wait.

Can we just run through it one more time?

We go to the well.

The well is this way.

We travelers in the Middle Ages are living in dangerous times.

Not only do we have to avoid being killed in battle, we also have to watch

for nasty illnesses, too.

Disease and sickness are everywhere here, and even King John's brother

a nasty bug when he arrived to fight Saladin.

Here's Johnny to tell us more.

What you might not know is that my brother, King Richard the Lionheart,

on crusade as soon as he was made king.

But he caught a horrid disease when he arrived in the Holy Land. Did it? A.

Make his poo green, his eyes red and his face blue.

B. Make his skin blotchy and his hair and fingernails fall out.

Or C.

Make his ears drop off.

The answer is B. Both he and the King of France caught a disease called Arnalia.

That made their skin all blotchy and their hair and nails drop off.

What's more, their enemy, Paladin, had painful boils all over his legs and bum

so he couldn't sit down.

See why I chose to stay at home, don't you?

I've come for you.

Oh, that's revolting!

But if you think travelling in the Holy Land was dangerous, you'd better think

twice about visiting East Asia too.

During the reign of King John in England, it was a pretty scary place.

A fierce warrior called Genghis Khan was terrorising people from Mongolia to

China. You have been warned.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to Battle of the Day, coming live from 13th

century Mongolia as we focus on the scourge of the world. No, not the

King John in England.

but the strong wolf himself, Genghis Khan.

With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details, is Jamie Cuttle.

Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation, but come on, is he really

ruthless? During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath.

What kind of soap would you use in a bloodbath? It's not a real bath, Geoff.

And even if it was, Genghis has made washing punishable by death.

Hold your noses. We're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.

Genghis, we're off to do battle with the Chinese today. What do you say to

accusations that you fight dirty?

It's true.

I do.

There is no honour in war.

Only victory or defeat.

I'm not sure that I agree with you there.

Then I'll kill you!

Thanks,

lads. See you later.

We're about to go to Chris Day Karma at the bridge.

Of human bodies, Chris.

Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy's fortress and orders all his

prisoners to rush into the water until their bodies pile up like a bridge.

A human bridge.

Allowing his army to march right across.

I've never seen anything like it, Jeff.

Ugly, but weirdly effective.

Good luck, you, Chris.

Oh, you're really mature!

Oh, yeah, I'm in the Mongol horde. Look at me, bullying everyone.

And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.

Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find. One of the most

brutal warriors in history.

It's quite a legacy.

Hang on.

How about my religious tolerance?

Or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women, stealing animals and enslaving

other Mongols, and all you want to do is talk about wars and killing?

But you have killed quite a lot of people.

Fair point.

40 million years, plenty.

40 million?

In the 13th century, that's nearly 11 % of the world's entire population.

Great for the environment, though, Geoff. Dead people don't produce CO2,

or chopped down trees.

He really deserves to be remembered as one of the most environmentally friendly

rulers of all time.

Methane.

It's true, Genghis Khan was a ruthless warrior and leader who also had strict

rules about how his people should live day to day. Do you know, he'd even have

you executed if you washed your body or your clothes.

Now that really stinks.

Although, that's no problem for me. I'd fit right in.

Medieval Mongolians wouldn't change their clothes until they literally...

fell apart.

But then again, wherever you go in the world, people have always had their own

ideas about what to wear, what not to wear, how to file your teeth so they're

pointy. What?

It's time for a historical catwalk.

Hi, and welcome to the final of historical catwalk.

Yeah, we've been all over the world looking for the 12th century's most

fashionable woman.

We are down to our final fabulous four.

Are you excited, Heidi?

Maybe. I can't remember what real emotions feel like.

First on the runway is Chichua, a beautiful Mayan contestant from South

Wow, I don't know what's pointing at her head. Your story inspires me.

Heidi, you're too good. It really touches me.

Next up, it's the fabulous, the fierce, Bort from Mongolia.

She's got a powerful spirit and an even more powerful stench.

And like all medieval Mongols, you believe that you should never wash

or your clothes.

I will remember you forever because I don't think the smell is ever going to

leave me.

Our final contestant is Wei from China.

Wei, I love your heart and your spirit.

But deeper than that...

I love your bound feet and your shoes.

They lift you up above the other competitors and the layer of animal poo

covers the streets of your home city Hang Chow.

You are so great, Bob.

So out of this competition, the winner of this century's historical catwalk

is... It's Fort!

Fort, you are... truly a great example of Mongol women, which means you'll be

kidnapped by a rival tribe.

I really need to watch.

Who knew fashion was so dangerous?

I think I'm more of a thinker than a fighter.

Let's hope it's safer for me here in the home of the great Chinese philosopher

Confucius. He was a great thinker and teacher who lived two and a half

years ago, and his ideas and wise sayings are still popular today.

I've got a wise saying of my own. A rat with no fur will never catch fleas, but

a rat with no tail is probably just a guinea pig.

He's the man who's cracking one line as they're still pulling in the crowd 400

years after he died.

Confucius! What you do not want done to yourself.

Do not do to others.

Cautious people rarely make mistakes.

Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

It's the Confucius stand -up DVD.

Those lines are hundreds of years old, but they're still so relevant even

They are classic. They're absolutely classic.

Yeah, my favourite one was, never eat yellow snow.

He didn't say that.

No, he didn't say that. He didn't say that.

He definitely didn't say that. He did not say that line.

He's the philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever anything

brilliant is said now, people think he came up with it.

Confucius said that he who goes to bed with an itchy bottom will wake up with a

smelly finger.

That definitely wasn't him. That is well gross. That is well gross.

Confucius said stuff like, when a country is run well, poverty is a thing

ashamed of.

When a country is run badly, riches are a thing to be ashamed of.

You might have funnier.

Confucius, the greatest one -liner in history.

Confucius said, when many birds flock together, wear a hat.

No, he didn't.

He might have done. He didn't say that. He might have done. He didn't say that.

He didn't say that. In the middle of a sentence, he might have done it. He

didn't say that.

He didn't say that.

You weren't there? He didn't say that. You don't know him? He didn't. Buy the

DVD of all Confucius's businesses dying, and you'll get the DVDs of all the

things he's supposed to have said, but didn't. Absolutely free.

The superior man understands what is right.

The inferior man understands what will sell.

And this will sell.

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

I don't care.

The best thing about my round -the -world trip is all the amazing food.

on trash, snacking in the sewers, and binging on a battlefield buffet.

Mmm, horse hoof.

Delicious.

What? Come on. You humans have some strange eating habits of your own. I

look, I'm still in China, but now I'm in the Tang Dynasty over 1 ,000 years ago.

They eat anything and everything here. Well, nearly everything.

Oh, yes, it's I'm a Tang celebrity, live from 8th century China.

Joining us for the bush tucker trial, it's Tang -tastic ruler, Empress Wu Yat

-yen. Wai -ai, Wu.

Wai -ai. So, Wu, you could say you're a powerful Wu -man.

Ha -ha!

Nice. Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get to the top, but can you

cope with... ..hornet larvae?

Oh, basically maggots.

Aye!

Oh, she's eating it.

In that case, how about cockroach? Oh, lovely.

Oh, disgusting.

Boiled camel hum. Oh, to die for.

Oh, God.

Bamboo rat yuck.

Tail's the best bit for me.

Not the tail.

Jellyfish.

A juicy bit.

It's making me feel... Steamed bear.

You do know in Tang China these are things we normally eat.

Stop, stop, stop. You've passed the bush doctor trial.

Disgusting. Here's your prize.

Tampons of sirloin steak to share with your royal court. Well done.

What? Beef?

I can't eat that.

Oxen are used by Tang...

Now, I wasn't going to hang around and wait for Empress Wu to snap on me next,

so I've left China and arrived in exotic India.

I've dug out all my phrasebooks, and look, I can speak French.

Je m 'appelle Radu, which means...

My name is Rattus, and I can also speak Italian.

Ciao, bella Rattali. Which translates as, hello, lovely Rattali. And, hmm,

seem to find India.

I wonder if I know any Indian words already.

Words we get from India.

Guru.

Avatar.

Kala Baloo.

Yoga.

Tulali.

What a hullabaloo indeed.

Now, if you're going to travel through history visiting far -flung places...

must expect to find yourself in one or two dangerous situations.

Travellers, beware, especially on the high seas, and none more so than during

the reign of Queen Elizabeth I, when a great naval battle took place near

Greece, which would determine the future of Europe. But although it was very

serious, it was also very, very silly.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt and listen up! Yeah, I'm Mr H!

And I've been working hard, searching through history to find the craziest

that ever lived. These people are bad for your health, Rob.

If you don't pay attention, so am I. For real, fam.

Get it? Chill.

Leave it! The naval battle of Lepanto, 1571, yeah? The mighty Ottomans were up

against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese.

fighting for the future of Europe, like in the football.

The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy are too far away to fire at. So

what's he going to do? Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle

Come on, everyone!

Dance, dance, dance!

No! He's going to try and start a dance -off! What?

Dance!

You'd better get the right tune, otherwise it is going to be whack!

Now, if this guy has anything to say... He would ignore that crazy Ottoman

behavior. You can't touch this.

But he doesn't!

Oh, man,

quit already. You're already making me seasick.

Now that the battle is on, you think things are going to get serious, right?

Wrong!

Nothing's done, lads!

This guy has just had his hand blown off, and it takes like a hundred years

something to grow it back.

He needs to stop the bleeding.

That is a pretty sensible idea.

But that definitely isn't a chicken band -aid. Hey, chickens are for burgers.

What are you thinking, finger -licking fool?

Yeah, there's no more cannonballs.

What? What? Here come the Spanish.

The Ottomans are out of ammo. Oh, my days.

Think it's all over? Think again.

Who needs cannonballs when we've got fresh fruit?

All right.

Remember,

as long as we keep making history, history will keep making crazy fools.

Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way.

Until next time, stay away from stupid y 'all.

Have you cut?

Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.

Well, I'm here in Greece, but honestly, right now, I'd like a ship home.

All this travelling is exhausting.

I miss all the lovely things about the UK.

My lovely rattly, the lovely sewers, the lovely smells, and all that lovely poo.

Wipe your bum, sir. What? Wipe your bum, sir.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, come, sir, this is the Middle Ages.

A fine gentleman like yourself can't be seen to wipe his own bum now, can he?

It's all here in the Book of Civilised Man by esteemed poet Daniel of Beckham.

If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling.

OK, I'm going.

Oh, wait, you can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.

That's what I was going to... do, sir? Please!

All right.

I don't want your money.

No, I want your poo.

What? It's been such a cold winter, we've been burning poo to keep warm.

Ready when you are, sir.

Just one log for the...

Disgusting! Yeah, I love it!

Ah, it's good to be back home. I've missed all of this. And I'm not the only

who likes their home comforts, yeah? Take Queen Victoria.

As well as Great Britain and Ireland, she reigned over the whole British

In fact, she ruled over more countries than anyone in history.

But funnily enough, she didn't like travelling.

When Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli decided to make her... Empress of India

1876, you'd think she'd go and visit the place, right?

Right? Wrong.

I thought it is really your PM in charge. Suppose if I had to, I could tie

to the Raj. The plan, your highness, prevents you from Savingia. I hereby

you Empress of India.

India is all very well, but there's no place like home. I'd prefer us know its

smell. Don't you love Bombay spices and the jewels of Hyderabad?

They are shipped to England.

Go fetch them, I'd be mad.

That Indian famine's no fun for a newcomer. Prefer the Isle of Wight for

Indian summer.

Oh, that is very nice. We'd better have no quarrel. Frankly, Benji, bread's

buttered better in Balmoral.

Air, bread of India.

Title sounds good.

I've displayed tunes beyond compare. When the viceroy announced we'd come

in the air. The rajahs jumped in, the elephants are scared. I'm here to kill

natives, this is unfair.

But the party didn't stop for a bit of blood and gore. Thousands of beaders

speak to it or more. The biggest ballet party you ever did see.

I quite agree, Miss Vicky. I'm staying home too.

Right, so this is what I've learned about the world from my historical

It may be full of beautiful and exotic places, but it was also full of

tyrannical rulers, war, explosions, massacres, more explosions, armies led

maniacs, even more explosions. But on the other hand, if we didn't go

travelling, there'd be no souvenirs.

And if we didn't have souvenirs, then I'd never have met my new friend,

Goodbye.

All right, you can stop waving now.

No, really, you can stop waving.

No, really, stop waving. It's really annoying.

Seriously, stop waving!

Tall tales, atrocious act. We gave you all the fearsome facts. The ugly truth,

no glad or glint. We showed you all a juicy bit.

Gory, godly, mean and cruel.

Stuff they don't teach you at school. The past is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoy Horrible History.