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wars, ferocious fights, stingy cartels, daring knights, horrors that divide,

description, cutthroat, cosmopolitan, Egyptian, magic, sexist, cruel, crime,

punishment, from ancient times, Roman, rotten, ragged, ruthless, Norman,

fierce, and toothless, civil wars, brainy, faking, mean and Muslim, middle

-aged, gory stories, we do that, and your hope's a drumming rap, the park is

longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible History.

Horrible History presents Horrible Oliver Cromwell.

Stop doing that.

Considering his lowly birth, a man he sure done well.

Monarch rejecter, lord protector, Oliver Cromwell.

For Cromwell was a roundhead and not a cavalier.

Those cavaliers are laughing lot, but he said, no laughs here.

When all was six, Guy Fawkes tried to blow Parliament open wide. In his way,

Cromwell did more to kick Parliament's backside.

In a thousand years of England, it's the only time we've been a country with a

leader, but without a king or queen.

Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599 and was raised as a strict Protestant called a

Puritan. He would go on to topple the king and become leader of the country

himself. But when he first started out as a Member of Parliament, he really

didn't make much of an impression at all.

Hear ye!

Hear ye!

In this week's Gothic -packed Oye magazine, get the lowdown on all the

celebrity scandals, including hot, young Member of Parliament Oliver Cromwell!

Find out what everyone's saying about the Huntington hunk. Juicy!

Oliver who?

Cromwell? No, not ringing any bells.

Apparently they're saying nothing about him. Oh, hang on.

See that scruffy fellow?

I remember.

He only made one speech and everyone hated him. Find out Ollie's skincare

secret. Ding dong!

It's like you're shaving when your face is covered in water.

There goes another one.

We've got the pictures nobody wants to see.

Oh, mummy.

The young Oliver Cromwell. He's rude, boring, a bit disgusting, and nobody

who he is.

Oh, well.

IA Magazine. Buy it today.

It's Cromwell Dusty.

Ha. I'm Mr. H.

I went to a lot of effort to find the craziest fools in history. So put down

that mobile phone.

Put it down.

That's it.

And pay attention in my eye. It might just save your life, bro.

King Charles I of England and Scotland.

Now, all that curly hair, all these fancy clothes, you might think he looks

bit like your mum.

Or a crazy fool.

And you'd be right.

He could rule how... I broke it.

And you'd be right.

He thought he could rule however he wanted.

And that his authority was sent to him from God above.

He ignored the people and kept getting rid of Parliament.

And ended up starting like a civil war or something.

You are bare crazy, bruv.

When the trouble really started, Charles I raised his royal standard, which is

like a flag, to get people on his side.

Shame he couldn't keep it up, right? It's a sign, Charlie! You're going out

business, mate!

You want to start making sandwiches or something?

Ow!

Now, King Charles I was king of England and Scotland, but could have been

crowned king of annoying fools.

Here he is meeting one of the rebellion commanders.

Oliver Cromwell.

Your Majesty, let us hope we may bring about peace with these negotiations.

Shall we begin?

Perhaps we shall.

So, will we or won't we?

An excellent question that deserves an excellent answer.

But what is the answer?

What's in all?

No, no, no. To the question, Your Majesty. Another excellent question.

really rather good at those.

You curly idiot!

The man is trying to make peace, you blazing royal fool! Until next time,

away from stupid... I've got to go. I've got tickets for King. I've got tickets

for King.

So King Charles and Parliament fell out so spectacularly that the only option

was war.

And so, in 1642, the English Civil War began.

On one side, Oliver Cromwell and the Parliamentarian Army, known as the

Roundheads. And on the other side, King Charles and the Royalists, who were also

called the Cavaliers.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong. Chaos, the Civil War board game.

It's Royalists versus Parliamentarians in the most complicated game ever.

I declare civil war. Emma, you're a mighty... Round one, and it's Scotland

versus England.

Cool. We'll be the Scottish.

We're unhappy with King Charles' religion, so we're eating an army. Aye.

I'm the king.

I'll march north and make a peace treaty.

Dealt with.

Round two. It's Scotland and England again.

Us Scots have changed our mind about peace. We're eating an army and going to

invade England.

Oh, crap.

All my armies have retreated and I've run out of soldiers.

I know.

I'll play my... Ask Parliament for money card.

They've said no.

Right, that's it. I'm getting rid of Parliament.

Round three. It's England versus Scotland and England. Reset the board.

your Parliament pieces in the south and Royalists in the north. Sounds easy

enough. Now place some of the Parliamentarians in the north and some

in the south.

OK. Now place Parliamentarians in the cities. Take some of them out again and

put the Royalists in those cities.

And don't forget the Scots who are fighting against the King in this round

the Irish who are fighting for the King.

And all the mercenaries from Europe who could be fighting behind the sun.

But this is chaos.

That's right, chaos. The new Civil War ball game.

There are places where other villages are fighting against each other. Chaos.

There are families with pieces on both sides.

Chaos. Or pieces that change sides during the game.

Just like in the Civil War itself.

Absolute chaos.

Call it a day. Yeah.

No, it's time to play the all -important Cromwell card.

The stuff always says a low -ranking captain is useless.

But play the game right and he'll end up running the country.

How long does this game take to play, please?

Between nine and 19 years, depending on how you look at it. I don't remember

which side I'm playing. I can't even remember my name.

Chaos, the Civil War ball game.

Total chaos.

Exactly.

When King Charles raised his war banner at Nottingham, I had already taken sides

against him. But what did I do in Cambridge to become famous around the

Did I A, burn an effigy of his body, B, capture his valuable silver, or C, write

a rude poem about him?

The answer is B. I rushed to Cambridge and grabbed his valuable silver

collection before he could use it to pay his troops.

Then I gathered a volunteer army of men and declared Cambridge to be against the

king. That's right. I'm not just a pretty face.

I'm a man of action, too.

Okay, I'm maybe just a man of action.

Lots of Parliament's supporters in the Civil War were Puritans, including

Cromwell. Puritans dressed in simple black and white clothes and followed the

words of the Bible to the letter, which inspired them to give each other some

pretty strange names.

As of this moment, you are soldiers in the army of the Eastern Association of

the Parliamentarian Army.

When you hear your name called out, say here.

Fight the good fight of faith.

Here. Job raked out of the ashes.

Aye. Sorry for sin.

Aye, sir.

Dantzel Del Fabo Mark Anthony Gallery says... Okay, that's not a real one.

Very funny. You're having fun with the new officer.

I get it. Fair enough.

Where's the real list?

That is the real list.

Tell no lies, soldier.

It's pronounced tell no lies, sir. Well, I guess I should be thankful I've got a

normal name. My name's be thankful too, sir. And I'm glad I've got a normal name

as well.

Let's just get to the end of the list, shall we? We're willing and able, sir.

Excellent. No, I'm willing and he's able. Right.

Well, the sooner we get through this, the sooner we can have you wrestling

the enemy. Here. Your name is the enemy.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's wrestling with.

Soldiers, do not speak unless you hear your name.

Let's try and get through this.

Okay.

Diewell Sykes. Here, sir.

Sudden death.

Here. Fortunate name for a soldier, that.

Jolly death. Here, sir.

That's not much better. Your names are all Batty. No, only my name is Batty,

sir. Well, I must admit, this isn't the welcome I was expecting.

And no, you're not the welcome I was expecting either.

Right, do what you're told, and you may survive this war.

My name is Victory!

It really is. That's my name.

The Civil War is sure brought Cromwell firmly to the fore.

In 1644, at Marston Moor, Forster withdrew.

He won at Naseby. All said, praise be, Cromwell fights like barmy. He's just

model we require for our new model army.

Energy. Did you see?

In a time for heroes.

In a time when brother fought brother, in a time of chaos and bloodshed, came a

hero.

A soldier who would create a new model army and lead the parliamentarian forces

to victory at Marston Moor and Naseby and ultimately win the Civil War. He was

Oliver Cromwell.

Hello. Hang on. Sorry, this is the story of me, Sir Thomas Fairfax.

I was the one that did all those things, not him. No, I'm pretty sure Oliver

Cromwell won the Civil War.

I certainly did a lot of the work.

Hang on.

He was just my deputy.

I was in charge of the army. Honestly, why does yours get publicity?

If anyone won the Civil War, I did.

Idiot. Full Metal Helmet. The story of Sir Thomas Fairfax. The hero of the

English Civil War.

Thank you.

I like it. The man who won a war and killed a king.

Hang on. No.

That was Cromwell. I had no part in that.

Yeah, that was me. The man who ruled a nation as Lord Protector.

I think that was me too.

Look. After the war, he took over, executed the king, became Lord

But I was the only... See, I saw you that time.

But I was the only leader...

Who won the war, okay?

I just didn't do anything after that. Actually, that's not true. Later on,

out of retirement, helped restore the monarchy.

Sir Thomas Fairbanks in full metal helmet.

He won a war and couldn't be bothered to do anything else.

Then he came back and helped the people he defeated get back into power.

Yeah, to be fair, that's pretty much it.

The Civil War turned the country upside down.

Battles were fought all over the place, and unfortunately, 17th century doctors

couldn't always help the wounded. And they had some pretty strange ideas about

what was bad for you.

Water, beware!

You, sir, stop!

You're in mortal danger!

Not behind you, down there!

A bit left.

A bit more.

Yes, there.

Water, beware.

Cutting -edge research by leading doctors has proven water affects humans

ghastly ways.

One, it fills the head with vapors, making you dangerously dizzy.

Two, water loosens muscles, so you can't control your limbs.

Wibbly wobbly.

Three, water unclogs the pores of your skin.

So foul plague odours can get into your body.

So follow these suggestions to protect you and your family.

Don't drink water. Only safe drinks, like beer.

Never wash.

Just change your shirt every day instead.

So next time you or your loved ones fancy a drink or a wash, remember, love

dirt, change your shirt, and no one gets hurt.

Because water equals death.

Warning, only silly doctors believe this. The rest of you just carry on as

normal. I always knew being a dirty rat was a good thing.

The Civil War dragged on for years, but eventually Cromwell's army defeated the

King's Cavaliers.

Ollie put the King on trial for high treason against England.

Charlie was found guilty and executed.

Cromwell took control of Parliament and the country, but with great power comes

great... Piles of problems.

Careful what you wish for, Cromwell.

The king refused to abdicate.

He was found guilty of being a tyrant, a traitor and a murderer.

He left us no choice but to chop off his head.

It was a cruel necessity.

It was a cruel necessity.

Something of a mess, but he's a right charlie, too proud a king to work with

bitch and peas.

Parliament he did abandon, doesn't have a leg to stand on. The cruel necessity

of God's will came to me. It came to you. It came to me.

We'd scrap the long parliament, leaving us with a rump.

Four supporters would help me, but they got the hump.

I tried to delegate the craft of state. Instead, all landed on my plate.

Had to go and fight in Dublin, leaving Dolce in charge of Dublin. I ditched the

king, but those MPs were worse than he. Not so easy, eh?

But still a cruel necessity.

So many had said to me, Charlie's off his trolley. Ollie, boil his head for

But despite decapitation, they dispute my legislation.

Those dark ministers will be the death of me. You'll come to me. Shut up

already. Now, I'm not king of these whingers who make me look a chump. I

them so because they go.

And I've done this from my new nominated parliament.

Much greater pedigree.

They're excellent chaps, clever too, and all God chose by me. Oh, whoop -de

-doo, they're going to be like me.

Vote like me. Do what I ask them to do.

I disagree.

Who are you?

Praise God, bare bones.

Well, praise me. I don't like to moan. Your army cronies annoy me.

What's for it? Cruel necessity.

Time to ditch this ministry.

Even bare bones parliament.

Fight among themselves.

What this failing public sector means now is a Lord Protector to nominate

nobody's governing state.

Ah, crew, you ungrateful crew.

You make me spew. It's like a zoo.

Well, we do.

Looks like all that power had started to make Cromwell's head Crom -swell.

He became Lord Protector. But he was nothing like King Charles.

Except for being really stubborn, like King Charles.

Never ever agreeing with Parliament and having it closed down, like King

Charles. And using the army to rule the country, like King Charles. Do you hang

on? He was a lot like King Charles.

And people were so used to having a king or queen, no one really knew what to

call Cromwell and his wife Elizabeth, or how to treat them.

The king is gone, but Parliament is incapable of ruling.

I take this title with a heavy heart.

Yes, your majesty.

Did you say majesty? Please don't call me that.

Sorry, your majesty. I mean general.

Listen, I'm not going to become king myself. We discussed this.

Absolutely.

There's no point killing King Charles and replacing him with King Oliver.

We fought a war over it. Absolutely. We all agree with you 100%. Your highness.

That one's okay.

It would be nice to be queen.

It was.

I'm sorry, your...

Absolutely right, Oliver.

You shall be Lord Protector and nothing else.

As you say, Lady Protector. Oh, I like that.

So are we all agreed?

Absolutely. You are definitely not becoming king.

Now, we proceed with the ceremony. We need you to sit on the throne. The chair

of date. Not the throne. It's just a chair.

It better be.

Did he dispel? I believe.

He was just checking his flyers, Your Majesty.

Hmm. These look a bit royal.

No, just a few things to make it official, Your Maj... Your Major Lord

Protector. Well, I suppose we do need to keep up appearances.

A few symbols of leadership won't hurt, just as long as there's no crowd.

of maintenance.

No, not crown.

It's completely different. Now, just so we're under no illusion here, I am not

agreeing to be king at all. I will not look like the king and I will not act

like the king. Is that understood?

No, whatever.

Noted.

Sorry. Good.

Now, if you could move our things into the Palace of Whitehall. Yeah, I want to

start redecorating.

Um, isn't that where the king used to live?

Well, we've got to live somewhere.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Don't push it.

Cromwell was a Puritan and their strict views meant that lots of things people

enjoyed got banned.

Boring!

OK. Hey, Cromwell's Britain, it's me, No Merit Vinyl. Yes, it's my real name and

yes, my little brother is called Fear God. Puritan parents, right?

Stop it, Fear God, I told you.

Anyway, I'm back with my top five of what's hot right now in entertainment.

OK, number five.

Horse racing.

It's great, right? You can race or just hang out with your friends. Only you

can't because of Cromwell's bandit. He says royalists might be meeting at the

event.

Unbelievable. I mean, he even enjoys racing himself.

Okay, number four in my entertainment countdown.

Stop. Don't follow me, fear god. You'll ruin the surprise.

The theatre.

Everyone loves a play, right?

Not Oliver.

He's closed out most of the theatre.

He says, Royalists might be meeting there too.

OK, number three. Now.

Fumble! Yay!

Nay.

Apparently we should be thinking about heaven instead or something.

If you get caught playing on a Sunday, they'll whip you. With whips! OK, number

two.

Only guess what?

So, that. No horse racing, no theatre, no football and no dancing.

Oh well, there's always Christmas.

That is my number one thing to do for entertainment in Cromwells, Britain.

Only guess what? You can't do that either. The Christmas decorations, food

games part anyway.

so great, probably going to stop it soon.

So, I'd better name my replacement for when I go.

But who did I choose to be the new Lord Protector?

A, my son Richard, B, King Charles I's son, Charles II, or C,

whoever is the richest man in England?

The answer is A.

Even though I'm definitely, definitely not a king, I am appointing my son as

heir, just like a king does.

What?

No, it's not the same thing.

Oliver Cromwell died of pneumonia in 1658 when he was 59 years old.

And after all that bother, just two years later, King Charles I's son took

the country, restored the monarchy to power and was crowned King Charles II.

What a turnaround.

I wonder what Cromwell thinks about that.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, they're dead and famous too.

So I said to the waiter, I'm dead famous, you know. Because I'm famous and

dead.

Don't hold corpse at once.

Don't hold corpse.

Oh, whatever.

Welcome to... Too late now!

Shut your lids!

Welcome back to Chatty Death. Please put your hands together for our next guest,

the former Lord Protector of England, Oliver Cromwell!

So, Ollie!

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie!

Can I call you Ollie? Cool, cool, Ollie it is.

Thanks for coming on the show.

Didn't really have any choice, so... Anyway, after you died, your body wasn't

looked after properly, so it had to be buried in secret because you smelled so

bad.

What's that?

Oliver what? Oliver Strong smell?

Very good! He's good, this kid!

So tell me, Ollie...

How would you like to be remembered?

Well, I suppose as someone who did what needed to be done, I'll admit I did some

pretty horrible things along the way, but it was a small price to pay to make

sure that the monarchy would never again rule this country.

Hmm.

Do you want to tell him or shall I? You tell him. It's a bit embarrassing. All

right, I'll tell him.

Tell me what?

Oh, it's just a little thing about Charles I's son coming back, being

King Charles II, murdering virtually everyone who signed his dad's death

and having your corpse dug up and beheaded.

What else is there? Oh, yeah, and the monarchy still ruling in Britain today.

Hardly worth mentioning, really, yeah.

Any famous last words?

Anyway,

that was Oliver Cromwell, everyone.

Sorry, what's that?

Oliver Pongwell!

Not as good, mate.

Oliver Pongwell is not as good.

Horrible history.