Original subtitles

And your host, the drumming rat, the party's no longer a mystery.

Welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

Horrible Histories presents... Bolshie Boudicca.

This tale's about a British queen took on the might of Rome.

We call the woman Boudica.

Her real name isn't known. The word Bouda means victory.

Her nickname means the champ.

She earned the name in Essex for destroying a Roman camp.

She ruled the tribe, the Iceni, whose people were the Celts.

Their hair was long, their girls were strong, East England's where they dwelt.

Time to meet young Boudicca and so begin our story.

Of cutthroat Celts and rotten Romans bound to end up gaudy.

Boudicca was queen of the Iceni tribe from East Anglia. And during the time of

her rule in 60 AD, large bits of Britain were under the control of the Roman

Empire. Now Boudicca might have become an enemy of the Romans.

She wasn't always like that. In fact, when she was younger...

She was really a bit of a fan.

In this week's Ave magazine, she's a fit, brick, it girl doing it like a

I'm Queen Bedeke of the Iceni tribe, and I'm going to tell you why I think Rome

is so amazing.

I'll give you all my style secrets.

No, that's just not Roman enough.

I'll give an eye out of these dogs.

Sweet berry juice.

Don't worry, girls. I've not gone mad.

Rosy Roman cheeks are all the rage.

But Roman life isn't all jewels and rosy cheeks.

No! No, matey, stop!

Ow!

Seriously, the plucking can really out hurts.

But if I'm going to follow Roman fashions... Ow!

It's all got to go.

And an Ave exclusive. The secret of Boudicca's incredible wealth revealed.

But basically, I buy Roman stuff with Roman money. Romans gave my husband,

Prezi Tagus, not to attack Romans.

When it comes to shopping, Romans wear the hearties.

Leslie, can you get me some Berry Joes, please?

Catch it now.

Boudicca might not have thought the Romans were so cool if she knew they

also be cruel.

And over in Italy, one Roman was doing a pretty good job of being the cruelest

and the craziest.

Emperor Caligula, another one of history's craziest fools.

Oh, my gosh, there's a chicken in the garage. The ancient world was a proper

scary place to live, though. The last thing they needed was crazy fools who

faces. But that's exactly what they got! Oh no!

This is Roman Emperor Caligula. When Boudicca was young, he ran the most

powerful empire the world had ever seen.

But he liked nothing more than goofing around and making people feel awkward.

And here he is, watching that play.

Crap!

Crap or I'll kill you!

Woo! I won't, I won't. I'm joking, I'm kidding. No, I will kill you.

Oh, he's so mean, he makes me feel a bit itchy.

It annoyed Caligula that the nobles tried to suck up by claiming they

was like a god or something.

Idiot. So he thought he'd teach them a lesson by pretending to be one. You see,

you've walked right into his big, hairy trap.

I am Venus.

Why are you not driven mad? Roman custom states that mortal minds would go

totally crazy if they met a real god.

So what are these fools going to do?

Are you saying I'm not a god?

Think fast, fools. He will totally kill you.

It's a prank, dudes.

I'm totally joking with you.

Do you not like your emperor's joke?

Laugh harder!

Or I'll kill you!

I'm kidding!

I'm kidding!

I'm totally kidding!

I'm not. I will actually kill you.

He's playing games, yeah. He's like messing with your head.

And he's messing with mine. I can hardly see.

No wonder Caligula became the first Roman emperor to be assassinated.

Until next time, stay away from stupid... Is it here? Is my car here?

I need to go to Covent Garden.

Back in England, Boudicca and her husband, Prosutagus, had that deal with

Romans. We won't attack you if you won't attack us. And we'll even pay you not

to. Oh, that's nice.

So when Prazutagus died, Boudica was sure mighty Rome would look after her.

Oops, her bad.

The death of my husband, King Prazutagus, has been deeply felt.

But at least we know he's left enough cash to look after us and the Ithene

for years to come.

Yes, actually, about the will... Oh, shabby chic.

Should be worth a fuse if dirty.

Excuse me, do you mind? Not at all, carry on.

Some of this stuff is just ghastly.

Hi. Sorry.

Who are you?

Decianus Catus, the Roman representative in this region.

Oh, yes, I could tell you were Roman. Oh, I love everything Roman. The thing

I'm sort of in the middle of reading my husband's will at the moment. Maybe you

could come back later? Oh, no, I'm here for the will too, yeah. So carry on,

hombre.

Yes, I'm afraid your husband, King Prasutagus, has...

Left everything to the Romans.

Oops, just smashed another one of my pots.

This can't be right.

My husband's going to leave everything to our daughters?

Yeah, we heard about that and all decided, nah.

You can't do this.

Actually, they can.

That's the deal with all our client kings, love.

Honestly, what is it with Celts not reading the small print?

Well, they can't read.

So we're going to take all the treasure with us today, if that's OK.

And if it's not OK, that's OK, too. This is all wrong.

Rome is meant to be fair and cultured and civilised. You can't take

What about my daughters?

Good point. We'll take them, too.

Hang on a minute.

We'll be in touch about the rest.

And, oh, I'm sorry for your loss, et cetera, et cetera.

On the bright side, Rome has got all your stuff.

Including your daughters. And you like Rome.

I hate Rome!

A bit fickle.

I will destroy them!

Oi!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! You throw like a dude!

I love being a coward.

So, left with nothing.

Boudicca turned against her cruel Roman masters.

But she wasn't the only Briton feeling fed up. Lots of her fellow Celts didn't

get on with their new Roman neighbours either.

Are they?

Rhondda, it's more flipping Romans.

All right.

I'm Rhonda. This is Colin.

I'm Caius. This is my wife, Flavia. We've just moved in next door.

Get out of it!

Continental. The guidebook said that kissing on the nipples was a traditional

greeting for you cows.

That's only if you're royalty like what Boudicca is.

Oh.

Awkward. So, anyway, we were hoping to talk about your garden.

Who's Gordon?

The garden. The outside bit, round the back of the heart. Gordon must be

for toilet.

I'll get you a drink.

Come on. Don't mind the smell.

Lovely.

Dead people.

That explains the smell.

Well, part of it. Yeah, they're all family.

Are you not going to bury them?

No, we like to leave them here for the birds to pick away their skin and organ.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, how we kelp say goodbye.

Less of a wrench.

And it's lovely to be able to stand by your kitchen window and watch the blue

tits nibble on a bit of spleen.

Yeah, the thing is, we want to put a mosaic in our garden just over there.

Mel, here we go. Colin.

This used to be a Celtic area.

Yeah, you said you wouldn't lose your temper.

Then you lot move in, and suddenly everyone's building mosaics and having

which is disgusting, by the way.

No, what brings you here?

Well, I came over here when we invaded Britain in 43.

I thought I recognised you. Your legion killed our mates.

Yes, that's right.

And now that I'm in the army's up, they've given us some of your land as a

reward.

Well, but we should put it behind us and be friends.

Clear off. No reason why we can't. Mosaic off out of our garden and take

tiny tiles with you. Clear off out of here.

Yeah.

Well done, Colin. You really kept a lid on your anger, didn't you?

Sorry, I forgot to say, I'm actually doing a spot of tax collection. Tax? Go

get out of it. Get out. Shoot.

Get away.

Leave it in peace. Just for the record, I've not lost my temper, so...

They were nice, weren't they?

With the Romans stealing the Celts' lands and forcing everyone to pay taxes,

they weren't exactly everyone's favourite invaders.

So when Boudicca said, anyone fancy joining my army and bashing loads of

It's no wonder plenty of Celts said, not half.

Roman Britain was about to get bashed up Boudicca style.

You know, here in Roman times, it's normally all columns and forums and

But today, I've come to meet a young woman with a project that's a little out

the ordinary.

She's called Boudica, and she has an historical grand design for the

Roman city of Colchester.

Boudica, Colchester has only just been built, but you're planning to make

changes already.

Yes, Kevin.

What we're looking to do is...

Basically, knock through.

And?

Well, no, that's it.

We're going to just knock through everything, and then we're going to set

to it!

I imagine a project like this might raise a few eyebrows with the actual

residents of the city.

Have any locals complained?

Yes, it's a controversial project, but we've managed to cut through a lot of

paint and limbs.

and rain, and so on.

The big question?

Budget.

How much is this massive job going to cost?

Oh, it's not going to cost anything at all.

Come on!

I am pumped!

Boudicca has an innovative finance plan, stealing the Roman residents' property

and selling the Romans themselves into slavery.

In fact, she's so full of confidence and bitter revenge, she's already planning

two similar projects in London and St. Albans. And if they go well, who knows

where it might end.

You know, I was sceptical when I first heard about this project.

But true to her word, Boudicca has destroyed the entire town in just a few

And her design for Colchester certainly works seamlessly with the local

countryside. Because that's all that will be left.

Just countryside.

You know...

There's not many people that will see what Boudicca did here who won't think

she's poured off something rather special.

Apart from, of course, the Romans, but you don't exactly hear them complaining.

Goodbye.

Fine wine designer, Roman goods I owned a fancy

stash

But when my husband died, the Romans cried, let's take his cash.

Like a baby, I had a little cry at this terrible stage.

But before too long, I had turned this song into a violent rage.

Colchester, T .O.

Rather than end up dead, Romans turned and fled from our uprising.

Their soldiers took flight, cowards found our fight unappetizing.

to everyone.

Ludica here, and I've got a quiz question for you.

We Celts love sacrificing animals to God and eating them for our dinner. But

which animal is sacred to my tribe, the Iceni? Is it A, bats, B,

sheep, or C, horses?

The answer is C, horses.

We'll happily murder Romans or sacrifice other Celts. But I think he wouldn't

dare harm a lucky horse owner.

We'd much rather have pictures of them engraved on our jewellery for good luck.

Of course, if a Roman was on a horse and the horse got in the way of my sword...

Ouch.

Accidents do happen.

Meanwhile, over in Rome, there was a new emperor in charge called Nero.

And he soon heard about Boudicca's rebellion in Britain.

Although at first, he wasn't really that bothered.

Oh, that's too much.

And upload to BooTube?

Oh, no hit.

Right.

OK. To all the citizens of Rome, you are hereby commanded to like my

live playing or else be horribly executed.

Happy face, Nero.

Decianus Catus. What does he want?

Hail Nero.

Hail me.

What's up, Brohim? Queen Boudicca has unfriended you.

But she loved Rome.

All we did was nickel her money, wreck her house, flog her and torture her

daughters. Suddenly, she's marching on Colchester and slaughtering everyone.

Holy Venus!

She's heading to London. Don't worry.

I'm miles away.

I legged it to gall.

Can I also get some nibbles?

Olives, no pips. Go away.

Hail Nero.

Yeah, hail me.

Listen, Burka's heading to London and she's like totes enraged. I know. I'm on

my way to fight her. Just as soon as this foot rub is finished.

Harder. Watch the corn.

So you can...

You can save London, yeah? London and St Albans have had it, but after she's

crushed those cities, she's in a lot of trouble. This could be the battle that

makes me famous.

Oh, this is too much like hard work. I never liked the place anyway. I'm

the army out of Britain.

Hmm.

Two Boudicca at the Ithene tribe. You can keep your poxy island. I don't...

Hello.

Someone's left a comment on my Lyhero page.

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

Ludica here. You know, I'm the one trying to kick the Romans out of

You're playing?

What rubbish.

OMG, this is you.

My name's Nero. I'm a liar hero.

I wish I had talent, but I've got zero.

Honestly, the Romans deserve to be slaves ruled by a Roman woman like you.

How do you like them apples?

No one trolls my art and gets away with it. She is history. I will like Oban

like... A full can of whoop -bottom on her.

Let battle commence, Suetonius! Suetonius!

Just updating my battle status to currently at war with Boudicca. Yeah,

should hope so. So, great, thanks.

More hot now.

So Boudicca's army prepared to fight the Roman legions, and our Celtic druid

doctors got ready to help the wounded, although I'm not sure they were much

Ah, Mrs Carver, isn't it?

Yes. Is Dr Hannity not available?

He's been called away to a very important golf match.

I'm Dr Kujichok, a druid from the time of Queen Boudicca. What an unusual name.

How's that spelt? I've no idea.

Now... Milo?

It's written in your book. No, it isn't.

What seems to be the problem?

I've got a bad cough.

There are a few ways we can treat your cough.

Cough medicine?

No, we don't deal in magic here.

Ingest this roast mouse?

No, that's not going to happen. Mum, he's trying to put a mouse in my mouth!

Squeamish? Well, let's try transference medicine.

Oh, that sounds better.

It's a very popular treatment where we transfer the strength of an animal into

you. How would you like to be as strong as an ox?

An ox?

Yeah, I suppose.

Just climb into this bath of ox blood, meat and bone marrow and lie in it for

three days and nights while I perform a ritual dance.

Then you'll be as strong as brave Boudicca.

How can we go?

Actually, that's a good idea.

Some people are so narrow -minded.

Now, you might think that bathing in animal blood is very extreme.

Oh, yeah, it is.

It's a big wound and you need a big cure. But for a smaller cut, what animal

medicine? is sure to heal you up nice and fast.

Is it A, a lick from a dog's tongue, B, rubbing on goat's wee, or C, a

plaster made of cow poo?

The answer is A, a lick from a dog's tongue.

We Celts believe a dog's lick will help a wound to heal. So that said, if your

wound is a bite from a vicious dog, it's... Probably better just to leave

dog alone and not ask it to lick you. Otherwise he'll end up with loads more

wounds and very little licking.

Oi! The queen had got her daughters back and made for Watling Street. With 20

times the Roman men, she surely can't be beat. But General Suetonius was set to

intervene. His army well prepared.

Not even God could save our queen.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to Battles of the Day. A small disciplined

force is about to take on a massive screaming lunatic.

Friday night in Portsmouth? No, we are live from ancient Britain for the Battle

of Watling Street. It's Boudicca's Celtic rebels versus the Romans of Gaius

Suetonius or Linus.

Here to provide a perfect blend of expert analysis and gruesome details,

Jamie Castle.

Now, we're somewhere between London and Birmingham. Nobody's sure exactly, but

Watling Street, it's quite an arena.

That's right, Geoff. It's a huge gorge.

The Romans have set themselves up here, with the forest behind them creating a

natural U -shape.

Boudicca's army have closed it up here with a wagon semicircle.

Nobody's getting out of here in a hurry. I think there's going to be a few dead

bodies today, Geoff.

That is the idea.

But does that worry the Celts? Chris, stay calmer. Not at all, Geoff. They're

a party mood.

They've even brought their families along to watch Boudicca battle from

wagons at the rear.

Women, children, dogs.

It's completely mad.

But there's a great atmosphere.

We're going to have a quick word with a Celtic mum here.

Tell me, what can you expect from today?

Well, you know, Chris, a bite to eat, watching the Romans get hacked to bloody

pieces by our girl Boudicca. Dude!

A nice family day, eh?

Come on!

Give me a C!

C! Give me an E!

E! Give me an L!

L! Give me a C!

C! Give me an S!

S! What does it spell?

We don't know. Kelch can't read or write.

Which is a shame.

Boudica! Boudica, excuse me.

You seem very confident today.

Huh?

And that Roman shield wall is brimming with javelins. And, of course,

army have got nowhere to run to. They're trapped in the gorge by their own

wagon. That must be pretty galling. No, the Gauls are in France, Geoff.

It's Chris Steak Armour!

Celts are all over the place.

Bits of them are everywhere.

The Romans are killing everything in sight. Women, children, even the dogs,

Geoff.

Boudicca, Boudicca, can you come back from this?

Eh!

We lost the battle, and I'm going to poison myself.

So, no, not really.

Here comes General Suetonius now. General, General, can we have a couple

words, please? Sure, I have two.

Kill him. What?

No, no, no, no, no.

But that is completely out of order.

I know. I can't believe they killed the dogs, Jeff.

So... With her army defeated, Boudicca killed herself rather than become a

prisoner. But Boudicca's brave rebellion nearly 2 ,000 years ago has become a

proud symbol of the fight for freedom.

That's one impressive lady.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous too.

What?

can't you be this funny when the cameras are rolling? Honestly, isn't he funny?

Very dry sense of humour. Dry the bone.

Dry the bone.

Give me the skeleton.

So much for the warm -up.

Time for my next guest.

Please put your hands together, or your stumps, or whatever you've got left, and

give a huge, massive, crazy welcome to former Celtic leader, Brudica!

Or don't. You know, no sense of showbiz.

So, Boudicca, the wheels finally fell off your chariot, eh?

Yes, but it was, of course, worth dying for, driving the Romans out of Britain.

Well, they did stay for another 350 years after you died, so I wouldn't get

cocky, love. I did not come here to be insulted.

I thought that's exactly why you came here.

Quick quiz question.

What do dentists tell their patients to say?

Correct.

Boudicca there. Or as I like to call her, Brittany Spears.

Because Brittany Spears.

I told you that wouldn't get a laugh.

What do you mean I didn't say it right?

You say it then.

Everyone's a critic, aren't they?

Chatty death, chatty death. Hope next time it's not you.

Tall tale. We gave you all the bits and facts. We count you all a juicy

bit. Jory, Darthly, mean and cruel.

Stuff they don't teach you at all. The past is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoy Horrible History.