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Horrible Histories Horrible

Histories presents Crafty Cleopatra Of all

Egyptian rulers, Cleopatra was unique.

And even more amazing, she was actually more Greek.

Popular in Egypt, renowned for each affair, with Caesar Antony and for a

shiny hair.

Her dad thought what a great leader she was, a terror plus.

She wed not one but two brothers, how things worked then, no fuss.

Egypt and Rome were battling a feeble war and strife. And nothing shows this

quite so well as Cleopatra's life.

In the land of the Pharaoh, a family destined to rule.

Welcome to The Egyptians.

Dear Petra, my daughter, daddy's little queen.

Daddy's little princess.

No, no, daddy's little queen. We're getting married.

A bit weird.

Don't. Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

It just makes my rules stronger if my heir is also my queen.

Now I can rule for years.

The king is dead.

At least I'm not married to my dad anymore.

True. Now you're going to marry your little brother.

Weird again.

You're weird.

You're weird.

Whatever, Clint.

Egyptian!

Oh, I hate you!

I hate you more!

Yeah? Well, I'm going to take over Egypt and get rid of you!

Yeah! You and whose army?

I see.

Find out what happens next on The Egyptians.

Now.

What's going on? There's a reindeer in the orphanage.

Sometimes in history, you find a person who is so fond of crazy, foolish

behaviour that they deserve a special mention, yeah?

So, Ptolemy... It's Ptolemy, bruv. What is it? Ptolemy. Oh, I see.

Ptolemy XIII of Ancient Egypt. I'm talking about you, you idiot!

Ah, bless.

This is Ptolemy, showing off, playing with his sword and that. I hate you,

Cleopatra! I totally hate you! That's OK, Pam.

He's your older sister.

You'll get over it. I declare civil war!

Unless you do that, what are you thinking, Pharaoh fool?

Meet superpower Roman Julius Caesar.

Ptolemy wanted this guy's help to kill Cleopatra, so he sent the man a gift.

Nothing crazy about that, yeah?

Everyone loves a gift.

Unless it's your friend's head in a box.

Oh, no!

That head belongs to Roman General Pompey. Caesar and Pompey have been at

like they were fighting and stuff, but they were still friends, yeah?

Crazy fool Ptolemy. What's wrong with a box of chocolates?

I like the ones that are like a semicircle with a hazelnut in the top.

Caesar got so mad about their head in the boxing that he ended up on

side. You idiot, Ptolemy. What are you doing?

And when Caesar walked Ptolemy's behind at the Battle of the Nile, the kid had

no choice.

Give it up, son.

Or try and swim away wearing a full suit of super heavy armour.

That is not going to work.

So that was Ptolemy the 13th of Egypt. The fool that sank without a trace.

next week, stay away from stupid Rob, yeah?

What's for lunch?

Chopped and chopped.

I like that.

Ptolemy XIII really did drown trying to swim away in his armour. He thought he

could make it, but he was in denial.

You know, the river, denial.

Oh, suit yourself.

So Cleopatra was left in charge of Egypt. She was known for being a bit of

hottie. She had brains as well as beauty.

A bit like me.

Name. Cleopatra.

Specialist subject.

How about everything?

Your questions on the subject of everything begin now.

Who's the first astronomer to calculate the size of the Earth?

Aristophanes. Correct. Who's the main character in the Iliad? Achilles, or in

the original Greek, Achillea.

I speak nine languages.

Correct, you do.

Which ear -shaped musical instrument was invented by Perpendos? The seven

-stringed lyre. I also know how to play it.

That was beautiful.

What is toxicology?

The study of poison.

Correct. Advanced by Hippocrates, who learned how to control the absorption of

toxic material.

When are the hard questions coming?

What's the simple, quick way to increase a nation's exports?

To value your currency. Correct. Who built? Alexander the Great. Correct.

Aristotle. Correct.

And that's the buzzer. I answered all my questions correct, with no passes.

Um, correct.

I'm not just a pretty face.

Now, let's talk a little bit more about poison.

Oh.

The smitten Caesar went to visit beautiful Cleopatra in Egypt.

When he got there, he might have expected slippery snakes, but not

floors. Aha!

Caesar! Your brother's forces have been defeated.

Oh! I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Your brother's soldiers have been defeated.

He has died, drowned in the Nile, weighed down by his suit of armor. No

touch you anymore. Consider yourself under the protection of mighty Rome.

I'm fine. I'll pay for that. You're all right.

I'm fine.

I'm afraid the expensive marble floors of our palaces here in Alexandria were

not designed for your Roman cob -nailed boots.

We're trying.

You're once again queen of... Once again, you'll be... Once again, queen

of Egypt. And with Rome's support, you will stay there.

There's nothing any of your family can do about it.

No one will be able to take the throne away from you again.

Peter, how can I repay you?

There is one thing.

Whatever you wish. The wealth of Egypt is yours, even its queen.

Name your price.

Can you put some rocks down?

Possibly. There you are.

Oh, they've torn.

I have a question for you.

When I became Pharaoh, aged only 18, how old was the Great Pyramid of Giza

by that point?

Was it A.

It was brand new, B.

About 2 ,500 years old, or C.

About 250 years old?

And the answer is B.

Yes, even before me, ancient Egypt had been around for 3 ,000 years.

So the Great Pyramid is about as old to me as the Parthenon in Athens is to you.

To think I thought Julius Caesar was old for being in his fifties.

Cleopatra and Caesar eventually got married in Egypt and she became

But both the Romans and the Egyptians had some pretty strange ideas when it

to giving birth. Aha!

Cleopatra's been in labour now for six hours with her first baby.

Everyone is nervous.

I've never helped the living embodiment of a god give birth before. It's scary.

If something goes wrong, I'll die.

Like, I will literally be killed.

But we've got a bucket of blood, so we should be fine.

Get it nice and high, Diane, cos they're coming through the roof.

We smear it on the wall to keep our spirits away.

Just a bit of fun.

Get in trouble, they'll leave it.

I want Caesar.

I want him to hold my hand.

So I can squeeze it and show him how much it costs.

I know.

Your Majesty.

But Caesar is still at work, caught up in some last -minute rebellion crushing.

But he is sending one of his men to throw a spear that's just killed someone

battle over the house for good luck. So he is doing everything he can.

What? It's a Roman thing.

Oi! Over the house, not through it! Sorry.

Romans are weird.

Is there enough blood on the wall?

Diane, blood.

Thankfully, Cleopatra has given birth to a healthy baby boy, called Caesarian.

Right, everyone out. We're locking ourselves in here for seven days and

frankincense and myrrh to keep away evil spirits.

Seven days?

Yes.

Ow!

Sorry,

it's just a really tall building. Oh, it really stings.

They say there's one born every minute. Not like that there isn't.

During the time of Cleopatra, the ideas of the ancient Chinese philosopher

Confucius were growing in popularity, and he had loads of fans all around the

world, even if at times he could be Confuciusly confusing.

He's the man who's cracking one line as they're still pulling in the crowd 400

years after he died, Confucius. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do

to others.

cautious people rarely make mistakes.

Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.

It's the Confucius stand -up DVD.

Those lines are hundreds of years old, but they're still so relevant even

They are classic. They're absolutely classic.

Yeah, my favourite one was, never eat yellow snow.

He didn't say that.

No, he didn't say that. He didn't say that. The philosopher who said so many

brilliant things that whenever anything brilliant is said now, people think he

came up with it.

Confucius said, he who goes to bed... with an itchy bottom will wake up with a

smelly finger.

That definitely wasn't him. That is well gross. That is well gross.

Confucius said stuff like, when a country is run well, poverty is a thing

ashamed of.

When a country is run badly, riches are a thing to be ashamed of.

You're mine of funnier.

Confucius, the greatest one -liner in history.

Confucius said, when many birds flock together, wear a hat.

No, he didn't.

He might have done. He didn't say that. He might have done. He didn't say that.

He didn't say that. In the middle of a sentence, he might have done it very

well. He didn't say that. He didn't say that. You weren't there. He didn't say

that. You don't know him. The superior man understands what is right.

The inferior man understands what will sell.

And this will sell.

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

I don't care.

What Cleo did next.

Cleopatra has arrived in Rome with new beau Julius Caesar. But there are two

problems. One, their marriage isn't recognised by Roman law. And two, he

has a wife, Calpurnia. I've got two husbands. What's the problem?

Didn't Ptolemy get killed?

Different Ptolemy.

I've been married to, um, three?

Didn't I tell you I got married again? This one's my other brother.

Egyptian tradition.

Yes. I've got two husbands and Caesar has two wives.

I'm the one in Egypt and Calpurnia's the one in Rome.

Isn't that right, Caesar?

Simple. But you're in Rome with him now.

Yes, and I love it. And they love me.

Cleopatra is hotter property than ever, and her extravagant style is taking Rome

by storm. The homes, the jewels, the Roman ladies are loving it. She is so

beautiful and so bling. I love the Egyptian hairstyle.

But stupid Roman law only lets us girls wear half an ounce of jewellery.

Cleopatra was about a bucket full. We've never felt so inadequate.

We love her!

But it's not just the girl's head Cleopatra is turning.

Mark Antony, what are your thoughts on this?

Put it in my pigeonhole.

But what does Cleopatra think?

I'm just going to...

About all the male attention.

Mark Antony is the next most powerful man in Rome, and I heard he drives a

chariot called by lions. But seriously, my Caesar's the only man for me. Get

used to me, Rome.

Caesar ain't going nowhere, and neither am I. Together forever.

Julius Caesar has been assassinated.

Oh, no!

Not my beloved!

The light of my life!

Does anyone here see Mark Antony?

Caesar was assassinated by his rivals in Rome and crafty Cleopatra was left all

alone. But not for long, no, she quickly found herself another Roman general.

You guessed it, Mark Antony.

True, he was already married, but you've got to move fast to stay on top.

In order to impress Mark Anthony, I once bet him I could consume a meal worth 10

million silver coins.

How did I do it?

Did I, A, carve all the food from gold, B, swallow my pearl earring, or C,

invite the entire Roman army to dinner?

And the answer is B.

I swallowed my pearl earring. Don't try that at home.

The earring was worth ten million silver coins.

So to show him how much money I had, I dissolved it in vinegar and ate it for

starter.

Life in Rome was certainly extravagant for Cleopatra. But for ordinary people,

it wasn't all glitz and glamour.

Whee!

Give me a whee!

Anyone?

You took the short straw collecting from here, didn't you?

Oh, I don't mind.

Wee's important for my leather work, and someone's got to collect it. Well, I

agree with you there, young man.

It's all part of the great Roman system.

People fill the pots on their streets with wee. You collect it and use it to

soften the leather that ends up on the feet and backs of every soldier and

citizen across the empire.

No, the bad luck isn't collecting it. It's collecting it here.

Oh, it's because a crowded, smelly slum like this is probably full of thieves.

Please. It is smelly, and I was robbed only moments ago, but that's not why

unlucky. OK, I give up. Why is it bad luck to collect around here?

Because the people who live on the higher floors can't be bothered to come

here to empty their wee buckets.

What would you know?

They just chuck it out the window.

That's some top quality weed.

That wheelie did happen.

But if life in Rome wasn't always as sophisticated as you might think, over

Britain it was positively primitive, with some unusual ideas about money.

Hello. Do you sell cows?

Yes, we do. Do you want to see our catalogue? Yes, please.

Thank you.

Yeah,

they all look great.

I will take this one, please. Excellent choice, sir. You have a keen eye.

That'll be two sets, please.

And how much is a set worth, is this?

Under the current exchange rate, one set is worth half a cow.

No, Titania!

So, if one set is half a cow, and each of your cows costs two sets... then the

cost of one cow from you is... One cow, precisely.

So one cow costs one cow.

That's it, Phil.

Keen eye and a keen mind.

Well, luckily, I have one cow exactly.

Oh, perfect.

Do you want to save time and just keep that? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I will, actually.

To be honest, I'm beginning to see why the Romans prefer using money.

Back in Rome, Caesar's nephew Octavian was growing in power, and so was his

anger at Mark Antony, who was cuddling up to kissy Queen Cleopatra over in

Egypt. Well, Gels, not really.

Octavian just didn't want to share power with Mark Antony. But convincing his

generals to go to war against another Roman wasn't going to be easy.

Tell them about their time.

You know the time with the horse. The horse is a lion on the ground, right?

got the axe.

Sorry.

Sorry. Could I have this back, please?

It's my seal skin and it protects me from lightning strikes.

So important.

Can we have some quiet, please?

Thank you. Just a brief announcement.

Mark Antony is corrupt and out of control, guys.

He's an enemy of Rome.

And I must insist, we go to war.

No, no, no, Mark Antony's a top bloke. A total geezer. I fought with him in

Gaul. Loads of banter, loads of murder. I love it. I don't care. We're going to

war, OK?

He's a traitor and a bigamist. OK, he married Cleopatra when he was still

married to a Roman. My sister Octavia, who's terribly upset, by the way, no

other Roman has ever done that.

Well, apart from your uncle Caesar when he married Cleopatra.

Nice one, sir.

Ha, ha. Leave my uncle out of this. Besides, Cleopatra disgusts me. She's

married to her own son.

Yeah, but that's just a ceremonial marriage, ain't it? Hello?

It's, like, totally gross.

She is a menace.

Look, Caesar's dead now. Good luck to the lad. Yeah, all's fair in love and

Yes, war is exactly what we need.

Mark Antony and Cleopatra have already crowned their children rulers of

Libya and Syria. Without our permission, guys!

Come on!

Their oldest child's only six. I mean, what's he going to do?

Dribble on us because we won't let him stay up past his bedtime?

Ha -ha!

He's debauched! He's corrupt!

And he started wearing make -up!

What? Look at this. He started wearing make -up. What?

Yeah. A spy gave me this. Roman soldiers don't wear make -up. What's next?

Flowers in his hair? No, no, no. Enough is enough.

Yeah, she's a bad influence.

Exactly. It's kind of war with Cleopatra.

Come on.

Follow the dush. Dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush. Boom.

Yes.

Well, actually, a bad look, really.

Defeated by Octavian, that we'd we don't respect our faction killed in Actium as

my poor aunt has been decked. Yeah, I was wrecked. Now it's

T -A -T -E -N -D, I'm sure that spells the end for me.

Octavian will -

I'm so depressed.

How did it come to this?

Octavian don't like me cause I dumped his plan. For queen.

Capture Cleo. Octavian must not take Mio.

She'll kill herself just for me? She must adore me.

I'll foil Octavian with this plot.

She's dead.

Not yet, I'm not.

She must not die.

So much more popular than me. And so I die.

This will look bad on my TV.

Antony and Cleo gone.

Both Cleopatra and Mark Antony died after losing the battle with Octavian.

that nerdy boy became Emperor Augustus, the first emperor of Rome.

He ruled, man. Yeah, he really did.

He even had Cleo's son, Caesarian, bumped off for good measure.

But Cleopatra would always be remembered for her beauty and brains.

Oh, and plenty of deaths, too.

Let's see what she's got to say about that.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous twos.

And then he said, I always have a mummy around in case I run out of toilet

paper.

What? Oh!

Welcome back to Chatty Death with me, Death.

Please give a warm welcome to my next guest, former pharaoh of Egypt.

It's Cleopatra.

I'm a big fan, big fan, big fan of Cleo.

So tell me, you're remembered as one of the most beautiful women who ever lived.

A stone cold stunner. A stone cold stunner.

Because she's dead. No, not for you. Fine.

It's nice.

to be remembered for being beautiful, but I was much more than just a pretty

face. Yeah, you were a deadly face as well. You know, everyone around you

to have met with quite a grisly end.

Harsh. Not that I've made a list, but I have made a list.

Let's see. So your husband, Caesar, he was stabbed to death by his mate,

Not entirely your fault, but... Your boyfriend, Mark Anthony, he killed

That was definitely over you.

You went to war with your brother. He drowned after a battle.

Nice one!

Now, remind me what happened to your other brother.

He ate something that didn't agree with him. Ooh. I believe it was poison.

Hoo -hoo -hoo -hoo!

You bad girl!

Then there was your sister, Arsinoe, killed on the steps of a temple.

it's a good job this isn't one of these family reunion shows. The room would

just be full of people you'd had killed.

Wasn't easy being a female pharaoh.

All I did, I did to keep a hold of my throne.

Yeah? Well, here's one throne you won't be able to hold on to.

Can't say Pharaoh than that.

Pharaoh, that's a good one.

Oh, is this on?

Is that on?

Anyway, what are you doing tonight, guys?

Fancy coming for some ribs? Most of you have already eaten.

I'm wasted here.

Wasted.

Oh, dear.

Catty death, catty death. Hope next time it's not you. Hoo -hoo!

Tall tale. We gave you all the best and facts. We showed you all the gypsy bits.

Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel.

Stuff they don't teach you at school. The path is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoyed Horrible History.