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Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, fighting freshmen, far victorious,

wars, ferocious fights, dingy cardinals, daring knights, horrors that divide,

description, cutthroat, helpful, royal Egyptian, magic, sex, and cool, crime,

partners, and from ancient times, Roman, rotten, ragged, and ruthless, Norman,

savage, fierce, and two for the civil wars, brainy, shady, mean, and missing

middle ages. Gory stories, we do that, and your host, a drumming rat, the past

is no longer the mystery, welcome to...

Horrible History

Horrible History presents

Horrid Henry the Ape.

I think we all know King Henry the Ape and his whole life.

The wars, the food, the type of death.

Of each and every wife.

Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jean Seymour, Anne of Cleves. Cuth's hound

pa leaves two killed too.

And only once he grieves.

He argued with the church as well. You can't argue with that.

Killed deer for sport in Hampton Court.

We're quite sure he was fat.

But what about his sporting skills?

He fought with struck and pow!

There's so much more to Henry you're about to find out now.

Ah! Get up.

You must have planned that.

From the kingdom that brought you Henry.

Henry II, Henry III, Henry IV. You get the idea.

Henry VII and VIII in Dull Dad, the Bore of the Roses.

Sir Henry, it's time you learnt business of kingship.

Oh, boring.

The story of a daredevil prince.

There's one or two golden rules to successful kingship. Number one, war.

War? Avoid it.

But it's the only fun bit.

It costs too much.

Who cares how much it costs?

You get your own army.

Desperate to go warring. But his dad's desperately...

Um, boring.

Can't we get back to talking about my own army? No.

You don't think it's easy ending a long dynastic war and ruling a country, do

you? It must be easier than sitting here listening to you talk about it.

A boy who would be king despite his dreary dad.

Since your brother Arthur's death, you're next in line to be king. You need

shape up a little. You must learn the family business. The family business.

So, you need to raise lots of tax.

Tax? That entails a certain amount of administration.

Administration. I literally just went to boredom hell, and it was exactly the

same as my life.

Can the prince break free to follow his dreams?

What you want to do is make peace.

I've spent my lifetime making this country run effectively and within its

People respect me and crush the aristocracy.

The country is financially stable and we have peace.

Oh, Henry.

Duh, dad.

Darling Henry VIII, find out what happens next, now.

So, after his dad kicked the bucket, Henry VIII became king when he was just

years old.

At the start of his reign, Henry was known for being handsome, dashing and a

brilliant sportsman. A bit like me.

What?

Welcome to HH Stephen's Board.

Here are the results so far.

The fencing has been won by King Henry VIII.

Jousting was won by Henry VIII.

The archery has been won by King Henry VIII.

The tennis was won by King Henry VIII. Probably playing himself.

And the making cobblestones with a steel hammer, it's King Henry VIII.

What a king.

But the big question is, can he repeat his victory in the wrestling?

And you join us here. Henry, our monarch, is really mangling this

Full power slam.

And his opponent is not even a wrestler. That guy is just a spectator who said

Henry was only winning because people let him.

Thing again, sunshine.

Regal wrestling brilliance, your majesty.

The king is a fantastic athlete and is about to compete in today's biggest

sporting event, the wood sawing. But first up, here's what he had to say when

caught up with him earlier today.

Confident? Well, there are no easy matches in competitive wood sawing. But

I am confident.

About everything.

Oh, any game plan for the match ahead?

Well, my plan was to saw the wood in half.

Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

What have you done to train for this event?

Tell me.

I've mostly just been sawing things in half.

Now, do you know what this is?

That's my saw bottom.

That's a competitive woodcutter's joke.

Well, you can't be good at everything, can you?

Contenders, ready!

Make a plank!

And his way. Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back. And King Henry

another leap. Just look at that magnificent technique. Like he was born

rudimentary wood -cutting device in his hand. Forward, back, forward, back,

forward, back. He's going through that piece of wood like it was, um, well, a

piece of wood. Only really fast. Oh, and there it is, the crowning glory.

Let's see that again.

Forget Henry VIII.

You've just witnessed Henry the Fast.

Magnificent. Yep.

Still boring.

I'm the best at everything.

I think it's his humility that makes him so popular.

Right.

You.

Wrestling. Now.

That really will be a sore button.

I was something of an athlete in my youth. In fact, you might even consider

the first modern sportsman.

Do you know which piece of kit I was the first person to own?

A. A pair of football boots.

B. A pair of cycling shorts.

Or C. A pair of slamming trainers.

The answer is A.

Yes, I was the first person to own a pair of football boots.

The footballs themselves were made out of pig's bladder, like a sausage.

That's a bit...

Not the G.

In paintings, Henry looks quite large, a big bear of a man.

But the young king, unlike later, was handsome, strong and grand.

His dad had warned no war with France, he fought them anyway.

Come on, how many kids do you know who do what their dad say?

I did. I'm not surprised.

Yes, it's true.

Henry went off fighting the French and won some great victories. But sometimes

his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, was even more successful in battle.

Not that Henry was jealous of Catherine at all.

A feast!

A feast!

Let us celebrate my great victory against the French at the Battle of the

I don't know if I'd call it a great victory, Majesty.

I mean, there weren't that many of them, and they ran away pretty much

immediately. It was a great victory!

Like King Arthur, I have conquered all before me in battle.

Henry, you're back!

I've won a great victory, Catherine.

I heard. Aren't you the big hero?

Absolutely. Good.

So, promise you won't get annoyed?

Certainly not! Nothing can dampen my mood.

I've won a great victory!

I am sure you have. And I want you to focus.

Or not.

Why? Well, while you were away, we had a bit of trouble. It was

nothing. What trouble?

Who is? Oh, just a... Gotland.

Gotland? A mortal enemy? Why, I shall crush them and their treacherous king.

Come to war!

And there's no need.

Actually, we cannot already be there.

You did what?

I don't know why everyone is calling it a battle.

They're calling it a battle? Oh, si, si. They call it the Battle of

Floddenfield. Oh, good title.

Or something.

But your battle sounds much more interesting.

It's kind of funny when you think about it, Your Majesty. I mean, while you were

in France, desperately trying to make a name for yourself in battle, your wife

won a stunning victory, secured our borders, and killed our worst enemy.

Which, when you think about it a bit more, actually turns out not to be funny

all.

Our battle was a very serious battle.

The enemy numbered some 7 ,000 men.

How exciting.

Yes.

How many enemy Scots were there in your battle?

Oh, well, it's not really about numbers.

But how many?

30 ,000.

Wow. So that's four times as many as you thought. Yes, I can do the mathematics.

Thank you.

Cheer up, Henry.

Look, I have the Scottish king's bloodstained torch.

Forget it. You've ruined my whole battle of success.

I was so looking forward to coming back.

I thought we could make it into bunting to celebrate your big, much more

important battle. I wouldn't call it a battle.

It was a battle.

Okay? Whatever you say, Your Majesty.

Henry wasn't the only big personality ruling at the time. Over in China,

Chengdi was totally in charge and totally out of control.

You've guessed it. He's another one of history's craziest fools.

Henry the Haze.

This fool was definitely crazy.

He got up to plenty of stupid stuff.

I said you could borrow it, mate, all right? Not keep it.

But that don't mean we should go easy on the dumb mugs who are around at the

same time, all right? Look at this rubber.

This is Chinese Emperor Zhengdi. When he was born in 1491, many wise people

predicted he would become a great and benevolent ruler.

You're wrong!

Zhengdi. So stupid, he ordered his men to store all the gunpowder in the

courtyard of his palace.

Yeah. In the middle of a lantern festival!

Oh, no!

Crazy fire hazard, fool!

What is wrong with your mind and your brain?

Unfortunately for everyone else, Genndy survived.

Here he is playing a game of hide -and -seek in his palace.

We've a live tiger!

What's going on? There's a tiger in... a pallet.

Gengdi deliberately let wild cats loose in his house so he could hunt them.

How's that working out for you, Gengdi?

Tigers one, fools zero.

Oh, no.

Sadly, Gengdi survived again.

What's he made of, this guy?

Then he got drunk and fed off a boat.

Yep, you guessed it. He survived.

Then he got sick from the water and then he died.

All is well that ends well.

but history has got plenty more crazy fools like Zhang Bi. So, stay focused,

stay sharp, and stay away from stupid!

That's great. Thank you. Thank you so much, guys.

Oh, what a day.

Back in England, King Henry was desperate for a son to succeed him and

Catherine of Aragon for a divorce because she couldn't have any more

But she refused.

So he turned to his chief minister, Cardinal Wolsey, for help.

Woolsey had become rich and famous by doing whatever the king wanted, but he

so powerful, people started to wonder if he was too big for his boots.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to tell us the secrets of my his -his success, it's

me! Oh, bless you, thank you.

Please, please, settle down, settle down. As you all know, I am Cardinal

Woolsey. But what you probably didn't know... is that I was born the son of an

Ipswich butcher.

But now I am King Henry VIII's most trusted advisor.

But how did I do it? Easy.

20 years hard work and two simple rules.

Stick?

Give me my stick.

Two simple rules.

Rule number one, always agree with the king.

Okay? Really very crucial.

And rule number two...

Never disagree with the king. Thank you very much. That's all for me. Thank you

and good night.

Hey,

what about agreeing with the king's wife?

What? What?

Look,

I really am rather busy being a cardinal, mate.

I can't be agreeing with the king and Catherine of Aragon.

I've just spent five years trying to erase their divorce.

Right, I'm off to go and ignore some women.

No. Goodbye, mate. Oi, Wally Woolsey.

You're nicked in the name of the king. Why?

Amber Lynn.

She's sick of waiting for you to get permission from the Pope to marry Henry.

Even her lady's in waiting.

Sick of waiting.

We'll have a rethink.

We'll have a rethink. Oh, and the king's moving into your palace in Hampton

Court. Come on. Haven't you heard about rule number three?

Don't build a palace bigger than the king's. He's written it down.

So in conclusion, follow these simple rules and you too could end up like me.

In my arm, in my arm. So Henry got rid of Wolsey and replaced

him with the cunning Thomas Cromwell.

Cromwell made Henry the head of the Church of England so Henry could divorce

Catherine of Aragon and take the church's land and money for himself in

known as the English Reformation.

The Tudor cheek of it.

Now Henry could marry his beloved Anne Boleyn, get loads more power and a whole

load more cash.

Take it away, your majesty.

A little more reformational, a lot less monetary.

Want to get my hands on all their money, please?

A little less Pope, a lot more King. I sure do hope to grab their bling. This

war with France is what'll satisfy me. And that sure is pricey.

Passed the law till the Pope's been banned.

Now I'm topped out in the Church of England.

It's going swell. I ain't got the blues.

Unless you count my jousting blues, got rid of Anne, her head to lose. To get my

kicks at 36, I'm up to my old violin. If the church is mine, so's their stuff.

They're about to find that I play rough. A little more reformational, a lot less

monotree.

Wanna get my hands on all their money, please?

A little more clean, a lot less numbs. I'll sell their land to buy more guns.

Cause war with France is what'll satisfy me. And that sure is pricey.

For the church this won't end well.

I'm sending in my man Cromwell.

With suspicious minds and a pack of lies.

He'll ignore their desperate cries and take their land for my pride.

Refusing me is kind of reasonable, but I'm a guy who can be reasonable. I'll

offer pagans payment schemes, but crush the monks who block my dreams. A little

more reformational, a lot less monastries.

Wanna get my hands on all their money, please?

If those abbots don't change tack, I'll send them to the jailhouse rat. They'd

better ditch the Pope and recognize me.

Yeah, recognize me.

So chuck out the monk. The monk, the monk.

Chuck out the monk. The monk, the monk.

Some may quit if they can. The rest I'll squash in my hand.

Yes, that means they'll be slaughtered, even hung, drawn, and cordoned. I need a

little more reformation and I'll take pharmacy.

Want to get my hands on all that money, please?

I'll flood the buildings, sell the gold, close the lappies and books.

Oh, there's nothing you can do to try and stop me, because I'm King Henry.

Oh, Mama, a little more reformation, please.

Henry was desperate for Anne Boleyn to have a son to take over as king when he

died. So after just three years of marriage, he gave her the chop.

because she could only give him a daughter.

Charming. Meanwhile, over in Turkey, the mighty Ottoman Empire was on the rise,

led by the great Suleiman the Magnificent, who was pretty magnificent,

he did have some strange ideas about deciding who would take over from him.

Now then, my sons, what is the name of the greatest empire in the world?

Indeed I am, and I have fought many battles with many enemies, which is why

our empire stretches from North Africa across Egypt into Persia and all

the way up into Hungary.

Who's magnificent?

This guy!

And one day, after I die, one of you will be sultan just

like me.

Maybe you, maybe you, maybe you.

It all depends which one of you manages to kill all the others first.

And all your uncles and male cousins.

Because the law says if you are the Sultan, strangling your male relatives

not murder. It's a necessary slaughter to ensure the stability of the empire.

Family huggle?

What? Something I said?

The problem with being number one is that people are always trying to take my

job. So, what do I do to prevent being assassinated?

Do I A. Have servants stamp my bed every night to check for hidden assailants?

B. Wear a suit of armour at all times?

C. Eat my dinner alone in an empty field?

The answer is... A.

I get my servants to stab the mattress with their daggers to make sure no one's

hiding underneath.

They also sprinkle the sheets with holy water to give me God's protection.

Oh, and I also sleep with a couple of weapons by my pillow.

Hang on.

Why do you want to know about all this?

Who are you working for?

Of all the wives he married, Henry most loved James Seymour. She had her son for

Henry, that was what a wife was for.

He loved her till the day she died for Henry, not the norm.

But next to where is Anna pleased, and that's more true to form.

I don't like it.

Nobody want that.

It's my big fat Tudor wedding. And this week, big fat Tudor Henry is getting

married again after the death of his third wife, Jane Seymour. If Chief

Thomas Cromwell can talk him into it.

Her name's Anne of Cleves. She's a nice Protestant girl.

Oh, I don't know, Cromwell.

I've only just lost my third wife, Jane Seymour.

And now I've got the male heir I want.

I'd need a pretty good reason to marry someone else.

Well, how about to secure an alliance against the Pope and to ensure the

survival of the Church of England?

No, I mean, you know, she'd have to be well fit.

Well... She hasn't got a younger sister, has she?

Um, yeah.

All right, I'll have that one. Good choice, sir.

With the portrait of Anne having done the trick, it's time for Henry to meet

bride. Now, remember, she's German, so quite straight -laced.

Don't worry. I've done this before.

Ready, boys?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, please. The entire English Reformation depends upon this marriage

style. And... Room raid! Room raid! Room raid! Room raid! Room raid!

It's me, your new husband.

Oh. Oh.

Anne's not impressed.

And neither is Henry. But the wedding plans are well underway.

She looks nothing like her portrait.

Well, to be fair, sire, neither do you.

I mean, your legs are thinner, your belly is much fatter now, and your... Do

like your head where it is, Cromwells?

Yes.

Good.

Unable to wiggle out of the wedding, Henry says, I do.

Congratulations, Dyer.

England is changed.

Yes, I'd like your head. What?

Oh, no, please.

Anne, there's something I wanted to say.

The thing is... It's not you, it's me.

Hang on, I was going to say that. I guess I'm just not the marrying sort.

I mean, you're clearly a nice person.

I was going to say that, too.

So great.

How about a quick divorce?

Perfect. I'll get my people under it.

Crikey.

Who's that?

Hello.

Next week, my big fat tutor wedding. Henry gets married again to Anne's

lady -in -waiting, Catherine Howard.

And the week after that, he'll probably marry someone else.

Again.

Yes? Incredibly, Henry was married six times and his last wife, Catherine Parr,

had to look after him when he became really ill.

Unfortunately, Tudor medicine wasn't very advanced and couldn't help him get

better. And it wasn't much use for ordinary people either.

Oh, this is Carver, isn't it?

Yes, is Dr Hannity not available?

Well, he was so tired after his golfing holiday that he's had to take another

holiday. I'm Mr. Krivik, his replacement from the reign of Henry VIII.

What can I do for you, young man?

Scurvy, is it?

Oh, he's a bit under the weather, Doctor. A bit of a sore throat.

Oh! The lurgy!

Get him out of here!

I don't think it's the lurgy. Just something that's going round at school.

of the football team have had it.

That doesn't sound like the lurgy.

Well, you're the Doctor.

Well, mostly a ship surgeon, to be honest.

I'm mostly about cutting limbs off.

Would you like me to remove any of your leg?

No. How about an arm? I need them both.

Let me think.

Here we go.

Come on, roll, boy.

Mum, he's like a total lunchbox.

Oh, shush, dear. It's on the NHS.

Are you quite sure you don't want me to cut something off?

Cut my fingers?

No.

I'm out of here.

Hey, come back here.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, dear.

First sign of the lurgy.

Right, best take me leg off. You've had your time. There you go.

Actually,

that is rather painful.

Oh, that's got to hurt.

Yes, life could be pretty brutal during the time of Henry VIII, especially if

you were one of his wives.

Henry died aged 55 and parked his crown onto his only son, Edward VI.

I wonder what old big head Henry himself would make of his reign.

Hmm.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous too.

Oh, Ken, you might want to check your teeth. You've just got a teeny wee bit

spinach in your...

It's just... It's to the side. No one will notice.

Hello, hello, and welcome back. Time for my next guest, the former King of

England, Henry the Eighth!

Henry, dead pleased to see you. To see you... dead! You're supposed to

all shout dead!

Honestly, Henry, the atmosphere is like a funeral in here, which, of course, is

appropriate, because you are dead.

Thanks for reminding me. So, tell us, Daddy, I mean Henry, how would you like

be remembered?

I'd like to be remembered as a handsome, athletic king who bravely defied Rome

and became the leader of the Church of England.

So, not as a fat bloke who went through wives like most people go through

toothbrushes.

The wives, the wives, that's all anyone wants to talk about. This is Oxford.

We've got one here today. See if you can guess which one is Anne Boleyn.

Look, I suggest you take this seriously.

I am taking it seriously.

I'm very grave.

Very grave.

Come on, seriously. I will not stand for this.

You're right, I went too far.

What would you like to say? Come on, this is your big moment.

Well.

Oh,

look at us go. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Chatty death, chatty death. Hope next time it's not you.

Then he

got drunk and fell off a boat.

The party's no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoy.

Horrible history.