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party's no longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

Horrible Histories presents Naughty Napoleon.

Today we tell the history of Napoleon the Man of Tart.

For Bonaparte was smart and turned leading into an art.

He loved to fight and won great wars at losses in between.

And though was often far from home, he loved his wife Josephine.

Brought order back after the revolution with his rule.

His co -maid brought more equal, he improved the day at school.

Although was born a Corsican, dad was Italian.

Could he be called the greatest ever Frenchman? Corsican!

In 1789, the people of France overthrew King Louis XVI and his wife, Marie

Antoinette, and took control of the country. It was called the French

Revolution. Lots of people got executed with a nasty machine called a

guillotine.

At the time, Napoleon was just a young army officer from Corsica, an island off

the coast of Italy, but he was desperate to make it in the French army.

Excuse me.

I want to be a leader in the French army. Do you speak French?

I am French.

Do it again.

I am French.

Says here your name is Napoloni Buonaparte.

That doesn't sound French. That's Italian.

Originally, yes.

You see, I'm from Acostica.

It's a French island, isn't it?

No, I didn't get that. Do it again.

Oh, it doesn't matter. You see, I changed my name to Napoleon Bonaparte

it sounds more French.

Not much more. Oh, give me a promotion, okay? It is my destiny.

Forget about it. There's over 100 people on this list before you. Monsieur.

Bonjour. No.

Okay, mix up 90 people on the list.

What happened to the others? The French revolutionary government executed

another load of officers for being disloyal. But there are still 90 people

the list ahead of you, so please... I

am a genius!

Then why did you finish 42nd out of 58 in your class at the military academy?

I finished because in half of the time.

And you're poor!

Grow. I may not be rich, okay, but I know a map and a math better than

anyone.

Poor, foreign, and boring.

Monsieur.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

There are still ten people ahead of you, so please, if you would be so kind as

to get lost.

Monsieur. Bonjour.

There is a command for the artillery in Toulon.

Oh, yes!

It is my destiny!

I will be the greatest military leader in the Holy Defrage!

No, I didn't get any of that. Do it again.

I feel so

French all of a sudden.

He rose to army general and then for quite a spell Was great enough to run

France quite generally as well His too long victory proved he was the best man

on the scene Had won the people over but could he win Josephine?

Yes, Napoleon fell in love with the exotic Josephine de Beauharnais, who was

years older than him and already had two children.

They eventually married in 1796, but their romance was famously stormy.

Josephine!

Oh, Josephine.

I have returned.

What is wrong with the door?

White open doors are dangerous.

It is obvious, no?

Sometimes it is hard to believe you are France's greatest general.

I know.

Isn't it great? I didn't expect you back so soon. Well, I mentioned it in my

letters. I wrote them to you every day.

Yes, of course, your letters. How I treasure them.

They are in the bin.

You have not read them. Of course I have read them.

Which letter was your favorite?

It's hard to say.

There were so many, really. So, so many.

And they were all really good.

Then you must have read them because they were all really good.

Okay. What has been happening since I have been away?

Not much.

Bought any new dresses?

No. You have. Show me.

No, you will eat them and then spill wine on them.

Why would I do that?

It is what you always do when you do not like what I am wearing. I have

literally no idea what you are talking about.

Fine.

Oh, yes, oui.

Oh, yeah, oui, oui.

Ah, no, that is lovely.

Oh, no.

I spilled wine all over it.

And it must look like I've done exactly what you said I would do on purpose.

But I totally didn't.

Show me another.

Oops.

And this one?

Oh, dear. You are out of wine.

Oh.

I must write an urgent letter.

Butterfingers. And you know what? I really, really like that one. And that

from the heart.

Do you have any more?

Get out.

Get out right now.

I would, but the door is... Close it. Close it.

Au revoir.

I just thought you should know that not all of my letters reached my beloved

Josephine. In fact, one of them was rudely intercepted by the British, and

will never guess what they did with it.

Did they A, burn it, B, throw it to the lover eight, or C, publish

it in the newspaper?

The answer is C.

They published it in the newspaper.

You see, Josephine and I were having a really big argument, like a super big

argument. And I wrote her a really angry letter, and the British, they stole it,

and then they published it to make me look like an idiot.

Well, who looks like an idiot now, huh?

Oh,

put some effort into it, man.

Napoleon did love Josephine, but divorced her when she couldn't give him

Hard promage.

While Napoleon was off fighting battles on the continent, over in England, a

brilliant Indian traveller called Sheikh Din Muhammad was fighting a battle

against split ends and lice with his own special concoction.

Is your hair lifeless?

That's probably because it's a wig. But underneath your wig is your actual hair.

You haven't treated it very well, have you?

Mamet's art of shampooing fights the signs of dry hair, rough hair... Split

ends, dirt, bad smell, and lye.

Your hair will never feel this strong, shiny, and silky. You can even smell

hair without making yourself sick.

In fact, nine out of ten aristocrats prefer the oils and herbs in my shampoo

being infested with lice, which means that one out of ten of them prefer the

lye.

Here comes the language a bit.

Shampoo is from India, and the word comes from the Indian word champi,

head massage. But you guys got rid of the C and put an S there instead, and

replaced the I at the end with an O.

It's so popular, they made me the personal shampooing surgeon to King

Why be an aristocrat when you can be a hairistocrat? Go on.

You know you're worth it.

I am.

Sheikh Dean Mohammed opened London's first curry restaurant and really was

responsible for bringing shampoo to Britain.

Too bad he never made a rat version.

I stink!

An even greater breakthrough at the time was made by scientist Edward Jenner,

who developed a disgusting but effective treatment for smallpox, one of the

nastiest diseases ever. Even I think this cure is gross. When I ate a dead

pigeon last week...

Dead pigeon.

Cowpox. We all want to give our child the best start in life, which is why Dr

Edward Jenner recommends you give your child cowpox.

You have got to be joking.

I don't want my boy growing horns and adders.

It doesn't do that. Trust me.

Giving him a gentle illness like cowpox now will prevent him from getting

smallpox later, one of the deadliest diseases known to man.

Well, what's wrong with how we used to kill smallpox?

Observe. We took two boys. We treated one the traditional way by rubbing him

with a smallpox scab to give him a minor dose of the disease.

Mmm, hygienic. The other boy we injected with goo and stuff from the pus -filled

blister of a milkmaid with cowpox. That's called vaccination, after the

word for cow.

Sure enough, within just 14 days, the first boy was completely dead.

Whereas, apart from some slight redness, the boy we'd given cowpox was fine.

Thanks to Dr. Edward Jenner, my Tommy can now live a long and happy life.

As long as he doesn't catch scrofula, cholera, typhus, dysentery,

or any of the other deadly diseases that our era is plagued with. Oh, and

plague.

You're welcome.

Glass of milk?

No.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason, and welcome to Battles of the Day.

We are live from the 18th and 19th centuries, where a little man is trying

conquer the continent.

It's Napoleon Bonaparte versus the rest of Europe.

And if you like your tactical analysis served with a huge pile of dead people,

I've got just the man. It's Jamie Castle.

Jamie, this guy takes over the French army and immediately invades Italy, wins

stunning victory in Toulon, rises up the rank, wins the loyalty of his troops.

Is he mad?

Brilliant, more like it, Geoff. A successful military general who took

of the chaos in the French Revolution.

The French do love Napoleon.

Almost as much as Napoleon loves Napoleon.

Yes, yes, that's right. Napoleon, Napoleon. Yes, yes, sir. Why are you

your men?

They love it. They love their great general, huh?

Yes. Really? I am like Alexander the Great.

In what way?

I am great.

No? Cheers, mate. Cheers, guys.

So confident.

It's hard not to like him. He's got the banter, Geoff, but it's all about the

results. We're hearing that the French naval fleet has been defeated by the

British Admiral Horatio Nelson on the Nile. This setback's going to go down

badly in France.

Victory!

Napoleon, you lost.

Why is everyone cheering? Don't forget, I own the newspapers, yeah? So everyone

back home is reading about victory!

Victoire!

Besides, the government is in a much worse state in France, so that's why

decided to come back, no?

What, to help?

No! To stage a coup d 'etat!

OK, let's go!

Cheers, Mike. Cheers, everyone. Come on, guys.

Oh, I'd love a coup d 'etat. One sugar, please.

No, Jeff. A coup d 'etat is when you overthrow the government. When he gets

home, he has the chance to seize power. I'm hearing in 1804 he's been crowned

emperor of France by himself.

Real vote of confidence in Napoleon by Napoleon there, Jeff.

Breaking battle news from Austerlitz, December 1805.

Chris Steikheimer is on the scene. Chris.

It's madness out here. Napoleon is everywhere.

It's almost like he's moving his guns around really fast to make it look like

he's got thousands of them.

That's exactly what he's doing.

That's so Napoleon.

I've been shot at.

I'd love to know where the guns are going to pop up next.

Napoleon's really got the Russians on the run now. They're in full retreat.

Surely just a case of damage limitation.

Fast forward to 1812 and he's gone back for another bite of Mother Russia.

Frostbite more like, Geoff.

Cold with a capital crikey. Most of my men are frozen to death.

All very well dominating in sunnier climes. But how would Napoleon fare on a

sub -zero Tuesday night?

Surely this is too much even for the brilliant Napoleon.

No way, Jeff. An unexploded shell just dropped right next to him and he didn't

even stop. He's just riding straight over it. Only a madman would get that

to him.

I think my horse might be broken.

Who do I need to invade to get a new horse?

He's losing and he doesn't even know it, Jeff.

I think I need another suit, Jeff. Defeat and exile to the Italian island

Elba for Napoleon.

A new suit for Chris Day, Karma. Jamie, your thoughts?

Single -breasted grey flannel every time, Jeff.

Over in England, the Duke of Wellington, the brilliant leader of the British

Army, was relaxing, safe in the knowledge that Napoleon had been

Not for long, Mr.

Wellyboots.

Confirmed news from the French. Napoleon is gone forever.

After 20 years of wars, we have peace at last.

Tell me, was it the guillotine or the noose? Neither, Your Grace.

The firing squad.

Tis fitting for a soldier.

No, he hasn't been executed.

Prison, then.

What I would have given to see him arrested and cast into irons.

To which prison has he been taken?

He's not in prison. He's been banished. Good. At least he can do us no harm from

some far -flung, godforsaken place.

Where's he been sent?

China? Australia?

The South Pacific?

Elba. Is that near India? No.

It's a little island just off the coast of France.

It's quite pretty, actually.

He took some friends and some soldiers, too.

Some people are running boat trips so tourists can wave at him from the shore.

I took one. It's quite nice. Really? You've been there? It's a day trip. You

might want to pack a lunch.

Reason to be proud, though. Just to be clear, the greatest threat to Britain

peace, an enormously popular, power -hungry French general who has

Europe from Russia to Portugal for nearly 20 years is on a little island

off the coast of France.

Yeah, when you put it like that.

We posted a couple of guard ships.

Plus, I'm sure he's probably just chilling at this point.

You're great.

Napoleon.

Yes, he... Landed in France and was welcomed back as emperor.

Yes, and... He's already raised an army to attack us with.

Yes, so now... He's retaken Paris and we have to fight him all over again.

Can you see through the paper?

Right. Come along.

There's going to be a big battle, and you're going to be standing right at the

front. Come on, who could have predicted that?

I could.

He could.

That hat!

I'll get my rifle, then.

It's the one emperor of the French, king of Italy, co -prince of Andorra. You

guessed it.

It's me, Napoleon Bonaparte.

Hello, Paris, the first through the door. Now, everybody lift your jaws off

floor. You act like you've never seen your emperor before. It's Napoleon, and

I'm back for war. I've just escaped from exile on Elba. Where they call me is

the cage monster.

They say I'm short, and I got these lands, but check out my massive battle

Yes, we've got to go to war one more time again, too, everybody, but don't

worry, we'll be fine. Just fighting to get back what's rightfully mine, which

everything I conquered the first time. King Louis whatever!

He ain't got nothing on me.

The greatest Frenchman ever.

Come to war with me.

French people my subject.

I brought you success.

Women used to make me nervous. But in battle, I'm the best.

I didn't come to party.

I came to get nasty.

Just got to in at Waterloo. Then I'll get back to ruling you.

You see, I'm cocky. Maybe I am. It's not my fault. It's my pituitary gland. Or

maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true. I'm a military genius and my

loves me too. I can fairly ride a horse, but not for want of trying. I say it's

not my soft arm, but I would be lying. So is the British and the Dutch. Oh, and

the Russian army, but that's okay.

The Russian leaders bar me. I'm pregnant with an elephant, see what I mean? But

I really need to win before I dig it on the team. Can't pray for rain to stop.

Don't believe in God. If it carries on much longer, we'll be stuck in the mud.

I've got a hundred days.

And I'm back up in this.

We're outnumbered, yes.

But we can win this.

Sure, I'm a little fat.

And it hurts when I pee.

And don't worry about that.

I'll lead you to victory, baby.

I leave the pressure on me. I wasn't really that tiny.

Look out, world. Wait and see. You're about to see the best of me.

Just got to beat Wellington, which almost nobody has done.

And I'll go down in history, cos what to lose my death?

So, incredibly, plucky Napoleon escaped from exile, became leader of France

again, and raised an army to fight the rest of Europe, all in 100 days.

Incroyable!

this time he really was up against it. On the muddy fields of Waterloo in

Belgium, the French met a massive army combined of Great Britain and a bit of

Germany called Prussia. What a line -up!

Hey, war lovers, we're here in Belgium 1815.

It's been raining, it's a bit muddy, but we're still going to have an epic

battle. Woo -hoo!

It's Waterloo, then.

OMG, Napoleon, it is so cool to meet you.

I know.

I know this.

So, the Battle of Waterloo, right? I mean, your biggest ever gig?

Massive, but I've noticed you haven't started fighting yet. So, what's going

We wait until the ground dries out.

Right, right, because when you're vibing on the battlefield and the mud is,

like, biblical, it can really harsh your mellow, right?

I have no idea what you are saying right now, but hopefully we still have time

to bash the British before they can join forces with the Russians.

Otherwise, we are in, how do you say, deep dirt.

I have given the order to my army to take positions, so we will see.

Well, good luck.

Jerry is over at the British camp.

I'll say, you're remarkably chilled, dancing the night away, even as Napoleon

heads for the battlefield. Well, you know, he's just one guy in a world of...

What?

Excuse me.

So, Fran, it looks like the Battle of Waterloo is finally about to start

rocking. Any chance of this surgery with appearance by the Prussian General

Booker? No, not really, Gerry. He's still totally lost.

Hey, Prince von Blücher, what's happening, man?

Haven't you heard? I'm about to give birth to an elephant.

Really? Massive? Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Random.

Well, this battle is really bagging, bro.

It's going to be a bit tight, though, isn't it?

Just be the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.

Speaking of which, why don't you take a closer look?

Here, take this note for that general over there.

Me, in the middle of battle?

Just a presenter?

Promoted. A messenger.

There's a good chap.

Hey, Napoleon, that last cavalry charge was an epic fail.

What went wrong?

The British, they were hiding in a field of lancan. They jumped up and they shot

us to pieces.

My imperial guard had to retreat.

Amazing. And that's a fest first, right?

Oh, no.

The crazy Prussians have arrived.

Retreat, men!

Retreat!

Well, it looks like that's all from Waterloo Fest and the final performance

the legend that is Napoleon.

Now, I may have lost at Waterloo, but some of the British soldiers had a

foolish way of stopping my cannonballs afire at them.

Did they A, try to catch them with their teeth?

B, try to stop them with their feet?

Or C, try to hit them like cricket balls with their rifles?

Well, the answer is B.

They tried to stop bouncing cannonballs with their feet, which is like trying to

stop a charging rhinoceros with a paper umbrella.

Now they have a bunch of foot soldiers who have only got one foot.

Idiots! I hate them so much!

Yes, poor old Napoleon was la big loser in his final battle at Waterloo.

And he was exiled again.

Only this time, it was somewhere really out of the way. The tiny island of St.

Helena in the middle of the Atlantic.

Here, he discovered he was good at something other than conquering.

Gardening.

Welcome to Exiled to Another Country File.

This week, we're at Longwood House on the island of St Helena to see a garden

looked after by former French emperor, Napoleon.

Bonjour. Wow, you really are short.

I'm standing in a hole, you idiot.

I'm actually average height for a man of my time.

Bill, Ben, get me out.

Head.

Ignore this, too.

I have to have these imbecile guards with me at all times.

I make them my flowers so they blend in with the garden. They don't look very

happy about it. We actually quite like the flowers. We just don't like him

because he cheats at cards.

I do not cheat at cards.

Awkward.

Do you want to show us around the garden?

Yes, please.

Not to you.

I call this my army.

Army attack, idiots!

It looks like they have taken root.

Fight, you cowards!

or be obliterated by the enemy. Who is the enemy?

See, Trudy, it's new.

They are also very tasty, huh?

Yes. What are you looking at, you slammy little sausage?

I'm sure the audience at home would love to know why you first started

gardening. My idiot doctor said that I might need to exercise.

He's got a point. What?

Nothing.

Good.

It also helps me express myself and helps me relax.

It's certainly hard work, maintaining a garden like this one.

Oh, Napoleon, weed.

But it's given Napoleon a sense of focus. It really allowed him to forget

about the wars and battles of the past.

Victory!

That's all we've got time for this week. Join me next time when hopefully I'll

be meeting someone a little less angry.

Idiot!

So, unfortunately for Napoleon, he never escaped from the island of St Helena

and died in 1821, when he was only 51 years old.

But from a poor boy in Corsica, he rose to become Emperor of France and one of

the greatest military leaders of all time. Napoleon was a pretty amazing guy.

And didn't he know it?

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous twos.

What?

I'm bantering with the boys.

Oh, welcome back to chatty death.

It's time for our next guest. So please give a huge round of applause to the

former emperor of France, Napoleon.

Hmm, obviously not Napoleon fans, eh?

Not Napoleon fan.

Everyone is a fan of Napoleon.

Don't think so, mate. I am one of the greatest men who ever lived. So listen

here, Napoleon, bony part.

Still nothing.

Unbelievable.

The thing is, bony end.

That's for your mom and dad.

They like you in France.

You know, you had a state funeral and you're still remembered with pride to

day. Oui, vive la France.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But to people here in Britain, you're just a short bloke with a bad temper. I

not short.

You are short.

Tempered. I am now.

Why, because you're short? I'm not short!

Why is it important how tall I am when I conquered Spain, I conquered Italy, I

conquered Switzerland, and I conquered that?

Sounds like quite a game of conquered.

Really?

Nothing for that gold?

Seriously? I am proud of my achievements.

Yeah, well, you know what pride comes before, don't you?

Napoleon there, after his tour of Europe, reaching his final destination.

Destination! I mean, come on, I'm killing this audience!

Catty death, catty death, hope next time it's not you!

I have returned.

What is wrong with you?

What has been happening since I have been away?

The path is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoyed Horrible History.