Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, fighting Frenchmen, brave Victorians,

woeful wards, ferocious fights, stingy cartons, daring knights, horrors that

divide description, cut pro -cult, horrible Egyptians, bashing Saxons,

crime, partners, men from ancient times, Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless,

Normans, savage, fierce and tubeless, civil wars, brainy phagies, mean and

misery, middle ages, gory stories, we do that, and your host, the drumming rat,

the party's no longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible Histories Horrible

Histories presents Marty Mary, Queen of Scots

This is a tale of twists and plots And how rulers advance

About young Mary, Queen of Scots Although brought up in France This is

of Tudor rule. The English cart is grumpy. They think that Mary wants the

throne. It don't half make them. Joggy!

Mary, Mary was quite scary to Queen Elizabeth.

Don't want to own your English throne. She blimmin' does.

Lizker. Elizabeth first called the shots, saw Mary as a threat.

So was she headed Queen of Scots for troubled times. You bet.

Previously on Mary, Queen of Scots.

A child is born to King James V of Scotland.

Great news, Your Majesty.

Your wife's had a baby girl.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty!

No!

He's dead!

A new leader will rule.

I crown you.

Mary, Queen of Scrooges.

An infant queen forced to flee Scotland as her mother

receives shock news.

An easy ace wants Mary to marry his son, Prince Edward, over my dead body.

Mary, you are going to France.

Pick four friends to take with you.

Marry, marry, marry, and marry.

That'll be fun at passport control.

A Scottish queen sent to live in France.

Welcome to France.

Now, first things first, let's get your boyfriend.

Forced to marry at 17, but destined for the French throne.

We may now kiss the bride.

My father is dead.

Now I am king and you are queen of France.

We shall rule France and Scotland together for decades to come.

I don't know. I don't feel so well.

To be continued right now.

Oh, Mary.

Yes, my lady?

Not you, Mary, Mary, oh, Mary. You, Mary.

Yes, my lady. I was just thinking how happy I am eating prawns compared to

dreary old Scotland.

The weather is better. The fashion is better. The food.

It's so much better.

Yes, milady.

Scotland is rubbish.

Shut your giggy. That's my pony with Scotland you're running down there.

But you're right. The day we arrived in France from Scotland was the happiest

day of my life.

Now, Marie?

Yes, milady? You, Marie, fetch me my little doggie. Yes, milady.

Oh, look what I have stitched.

I have made a new coat for my little doggy. Oh, lovely.

I am so happy.

But my lady, isn't King Francis still unwell? I hear he is bravely fighting

his life.

Oh, no, he's just being a sickly little softy as per usual.

You only have an earache. You cannot die of an earache.

King Francis has died of earache.

Apparently you can.

Oh, my darling son.

Hold on a minute.

If France is no longer king, does that mean that I am in charge?

No, I am.

And you, Marie, are going straight back to Scotland.

Oh. Um, which... Which, um, Marie, is that? All of

you.

Jinx, that's a fury downer there.

So, widowed Mary was sent packing across the Channel back to Scotland.

Mary was known for her love of clothes and fashion, but it wasn't just Tudor

women who dressed in extravagant ways.

Hey. Hey. How you doing?

Um, I'm all right.

Actually a bit rough.

Are you rough?

11 -incher. Really?

What a rough guess.

Hey!

Guess who's here?

Sorry I'm late.

Nice rough.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, rough time putting it on.

Yeah, all those pins and bleach. Yeah, like really rough on your hands. I would

not want to be out there right now.

Rough weather can be so rough on the rough.

Man,

you look well... What's the word?

Rough. Oh, I smell

soup.

There's a problem with these spoons, waitress.

Oh, waitress!

Gone home. That is no way to run a business.

Oh, hey, hi.

Your human spoon trick, huh?

Thank you.

Although, they do look a bit ridiculous, though. Yeah, well, you've got to take

the rough with the smooth, haven't you?

Boys,

soup for one and soup for all.

Hey, let's eat!

You, you soup spoon me, I'll soup spoon him. You, you do him, I do you. I do me?

You do him, I do you.

16th century fashion might have been strange, but 16th century food could be

pretty weird too.

I'm Paul Hollybush.

And I'm Mary, Queen of Scones.

Let's see what our bakers can impress us with this week. For our signature bake

challenge, we're going to ask them to both make a simple loaf of Tudor bread

from the reign of Mary, Queen of Scots.

So, Gilbert, what have you gone for?

A brown loaf, Mary, which in Tudor times would have been the cheapest sort of

bread eaten by poor people in the taverns and so forth.

Oh, poor people.

Yeah, the white bread would have only been for the wealthy and posh types and

forth. And, Percy, what do you have planned for us?

A biscuit bread, Mary, with aniseed and coriander.

Oh. Do you not like biscuit bread? Oh, no, I'm still thinking about the poor

people. That does sound lovely.

Get baking. Get baking. I just said that.

Let's see how the...

Biscuit bread is coming along.

Percy,

you don't seem happy with your bake.

Oh, no, it's fine. It's just that this traditional Tudor recipe means that I

have to pummel it with a length of wood for two hours before it's even remotely

ready to bake.

This biscuit bread's going to take some beating.

It's very good, Mary.

Where is it?

It's not here.

Yeah, most Tudors didn't have ovens, so they'd send their dough off to bakers

instead. Oh, here it comes now.

That's a really soggy bottom.

Sorry, I sat on a wet bench.

No!

Cuckoo! How is it going?

I am Marie, I am 18, I am a queen and I am single.

Again, if you are interested and you are a prince or a powerful noble who can

help me hold on to my throne, then drop me a line.

But don't wait around, though, because I won't be single long.

I'm pure fat me.

Mary's return to Scotland didn't please everyone, especially not Queen Elizabeth

I. You see, Mary was Elizabeth's cousin with her own strong claim to rule

England. Feisty Elizabeth felt threatened.

There was only space for one royal bum on that throne.

Let the rivalry begin!

Tudor Talks presents Princess Dress -Up.

Every little girl wants to be a queen, and now Tudor togs have two fabulous

outfits for her to choose from.

How about Queen Elizabeth I of England?

The Protestant Queen of England with no European allies, no husband, and no

children to slow her down.

Failure to get married carried out at monarch's own risk.

Prospects for the Tudor dynasty may go up or down.

you know or how about mary queen of scott tall beautiful young fashionable

adored around europe right

No idea.

Through her father, James V of Scotland, and her grandmother, Margaret Tudor,

she has a Tudor and Stuart claim to the English crown.

Le doublé, whammy. With strong ties to Europe because she's Catholic and a bit

French. I'll take both. You can't have both. These outfits must be sold

separately as the two monarchs are never seen in the same room.

Tudor talk, because every little girl deserves to be a queen.

No liabilities accepted for death and treason slots incurred whilst wearing

outfits. Dressing up as royalty is a punishable offence.

Tudor tub.

Get them before they get you.

So, while the Queen v Queen rivalry was really heating up, ambitious Mary met

and married her second husband, the Scottish noble Lord Darnley. Oh, he is

dreamy. But Darnley was so annoying and upset so many people, the other Scottish

nobles had him killed. Not so dreamy. Hello.

How is it going?

I am Marie. I am 25 and I am single.

Again. And looking for my, um, Francis Downey, uh, third husband,

I'd like to say my second husband died of natural causes.

But his hooch was blown to bits and he was strangled!

Doesn't come much more unnatural than that.

You must have your own army. I still have my own country, but it looks like I

might have to fight for it.

It would be great if you're a prince, but really I just need someone who can

smash my enemies into tiny wee bits.

If Mary asks for me, I'm not available.

While Mary was searching for another husband, life in the 1500s was

in lots of different ways, from science to the cesspit. Hold your noses.

Oh, sorry. No, no, no.

Please, take a seat.

What's that?

That, sir, is Ajax, the first ever flushing privy invented in 1596 by me.

Really? Yes.

Mr John Harrington, esteemed poet and godson to Queen Elizabeth herself. But

can call me Mr Toilet.

No? Fair enough.

Nobody seems to want to shake Mr Toilet's hand.

Regard. One I made earlier.

Oh, what is wrong with you? Yes, very unpleasant, isn't it? But with the new

Harrington loo, simply pull the lever... ..and the doings are magically flushed

away. Privy. The privy of the future.

Mind your feet.

Oh, man.

Yes, I am working on that bit. Do you mind?

Do you mind going away?

Each to their own.

Oh, hang on.

Where's the paper?

Paper you intend to write?

For afterwards.

Oh, I see. Just use the same cloth as everyone else.

Oh, thank you.

You know what? Never mind. Thanks.

Welcome to Amazing Scientists.

You know, some tuners believe some pretty crazy stuff.

They believe that unicorn horns could heal people.

They also believed in unicorns. But the Tudors also did some amazing things.

Think about it.

Tudors knew stuff about space.

And they didn't even have the internet or loom bands.

Tudor science is amazing.

But don't take my word for it.

I'm about to meet one of the brainiest fellas of the Tudor times.

Danish scientist, Tico Brahe. Hi, Brian.

Tico, you're wearing a fake silver nose.

I imagine that's for a good scientific reason.

It certainly is. I lost my real nose in a fight about man.

That's not science. That's just weird. But anyway, carry on. Just tell him

all your amazing achievements.

Oh, yeah, sure.

So, over the course of my career, I catalogued over a thousand stars.

Wow. I also invented numerous instruments designed to help study and

universe with astonishing accuracy.

He's astronomically amazing.

Thanks.

Well, that's all from me for this week. I also had a fortune -telling dwarf.

Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?

It's called Jep, and he lived under my desk. Sip it!

I also had an elk.

I used to bring him to parties. I don't know.

Unfortunately, one day he fell down the stairs. What was he doing up the stairs,

looking for the loo? It's a really funny story. We've been having a little bit

of the drinking. Oh, get out of here!

Tudor scientist.

Amazing, but weird.

You like to party? No.

Now, my second husband, Lord Darnley, wanted to be king, and he was an

arrogant... Idiot who made lots of enemies.

Unfortunately, he was killed.

But what did I do to the person who killed him?

A. Execute him. B.

Forgive him. Or C.

Marry him.

Ah, the answer is... B!

Pretty much everyone knows the Earl of Bothwell murdered Lord Arnie, but I

married him anyway.

What can I say? I'm an hopeless romantic.

Elizabeth was popular.

Most thought her rule was strong.

The Catholic men protested. Protestants had ruled too long.

I promise not to take the throne.

Queen Mary does protest.

Really, says Elizabeth.

You're under house arrest.

So miserable Mary was forced to flee from Scotland because the Scottish

thought her third husband was even worse than the one before.

But when she escaped to England, she was arrested and put in prison by her

cousin, Queen Elizabeth, who was worried she was trying to steal the English

throne. You couldn't make it up.

I am back in the market again, looking for my husband, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah.

Now, before, I wanted a prince or someone with an army.

Now, I basically just want someone who isn't going to get killed.

Oh, and someone who can get me out of prison.

Elizabeth I had me locked up, so really you need to beat someone's sheer proof

of. Although I'm up for a secret marriage alliance to a powerful Catholic

can help me smash England and take back what's rightfully mine.

While Elizabeth kept Mary under lock and key, over near Greece a war was being

waged at sea. The naval battle of Lepanto was massive and massively weird.

time for History's Craziest Fools.

Hey, you. Yeah, you.

Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt and listen up. Yeah, I'm Mr. H.

And I've been working hard searching through history to find the craziest

that ever lived. These people are bad for your health, Rob.

If you don't pay attention, so am I. For real, fam.

Get it? Chill.

The naval battle of Lepanto, 1571, yeah? The mighty Ottomans were up against the

Spanish, Italian and Maltese fighting for the future of Europe, like in the

football. The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy are too far away to fire

at. So what's he going to do? Wait patiently and conserve energy for the

ahead? Come on, everyone.

Dance, dance, dance.

No! He's going to try and start a dance -off. What?

None!

You'd better get the right tune, otherwise it is going to be whacked.

Now, if this guy had any sense here, he would ignore the crazy Ottoman

behaviour. You can't touch this.

But he doesn't! Huh?

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, man, quit already. You're already making me seasick.

Now that the battle is on, you think things are going to get serious, right?

Wrong!

This guy has just had his hand blown off, and it takes like a hundred years

something to grow it back.

He needs to stop the bleeding. That is a pretty sensible idea.

But that definitely isn't a chicken band -aid. Mate, chickens are for burgers.

What are you thinking, finger -licking fool?

Yeah, there's no more cannonballs.

What? What? Here comes the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo. Oh, my days.

Think it's all over? Think again!

Who needs cannonballs when we've got fresh fruit?

Load!

Aim! Fire!

Fire fruit at will!

Take that, you silly bunny!

Know when to quit, citrus fruit fools!

One got to fool you. All right.

Remember,

as long as we keep making history, history will keep making crazy fools.

Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!

Until next time, stay away from stupid y 'alls!

Have you cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.

I am still Marie, Queen of Scots, just about.

So, that is quite a strange name, because I haven't spent that much time

Scotland. In fact, how many years did I live there in total?

Was it A, six years, B, 12 years, or C, 17 years?

The answer is B.

I may be queen of the shots, but I only lived there for 12 years out of my

entire life.

The rest of the time, I was living in France, wearing lovely dresses.

And for the past 19 years, I have been a prisoner in England, but also wearing

lovely dresses.

I cannae be seen in rags now, can I? What if Elizabeth I gets assassinated by

one of my followers and I get made Queen of England?

Whoops. I have said too much.

Mary said she didn't want to kill Elizabeth and take the English throne,

Catholic plotters began writing letters to her, planning exactly that.

Luckily for Queen Liz, her spying master, Lord Walsingham, was a sinister

genius. He caught Desperate Mary red -handed with enough evidence to put her

trial for treason. If found guilty, she would be put to death.

But Elizabeth wouldn't do that to her own cousin, would she?

Would she?

What a terrible dilemma.

Is this a fair trial or just a mockery?

I am Queen Mary.

There is no escape from your trickery. No lawyer to

depend or witnesses to defend me.

Your Honor.

You expect me to confess that I'd bump off good Queen Bess.

Season, I call Walsingham,

Lord Altrincham, cause these letters are fakes.

Phony, you're going down.

I can prove the re...

And I was Queen of Scotland once, you clown.

Please do not carry on.

You are guilty. Now admit it.

Mary's refusing to admit her guilt. What a shock. What a shame. A complete and

utter scandal.

Trouble to the Babington.

Say, Queen, best you've ever done. Into the scaffold.

To the scaffold. To the scaffold. To the scaffold. To the scaffold.

Thank you.

matter. She made me enemies.

Her death really matters to me.

That's not how my week goes.

Tragic Mary died when she was 44 years old and Elizabeth regretted signing her

own cousin's death warrant for the rest of her life.

Still, you could say Mary had the last laugh, because when Elizabeth died,

Mary's son became King James I of England.

Time to say goodbye, Mary!

Welcome to Chetty Death, where it's time to welcome our next guest.

So please put your hands together, or, you know, whatever you've got left, and

go muck crazy for Mary, Queen of Scots.

So, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, can I call you Mazza? Call

me Mary, Queen of Scots.

So, Madge, let's cut to the chase.

How about telling us?

What do you like your legacy to be?

That I stood up for my rightful claim to the throne against that rubbish queen,

my cousin, Elizabeth.

Whatever happened to her, huh?

Well, um, Elizabeth never married.

Well, I was married three times.

Ah!

Yeah, I don't think that's better.

Oh, um, did she meet that sticky end?

If by a sticky end you mean she reigned for a glorious 44 years, establishing a

strong England free from the rule of Rome, defeated the Spanish, and is

remembered as possibly England's greatest ever monarch, then, yeah, you'd

too well.

Bah! Your bum's out the window.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Ah!

There's some in Rome in your chair, pal.

What a lovely lady.

A fellow could really lose his head over her.

If I wasn't deaf, I'd be dying up here.

Chatty death, chatty death. Hope next time it's not you.

You're not a thief.

No.

No pressure, boy.

It's sad.

The path is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoyed.