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Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians, Fighting Frenchmen, Vile Victorians,

Wars, Ferocious Fights, Stingy Cardinals, Daring Knights, Horrors

Description, Cut Pro -Calculable Egyptians, Bashing Saxons, Cruel Crimes,

Parnassians, Prometheans, Roman, Rotten, Rancid, Ruthless, Norman, Savage,

Fierce and Tuberous, Civil Wars, Brainy Thetians, Mean and Miserly Middle Ages,

Gory Stories, We Do That, And Your Hope's A Drumming Rat, The Party's No

A Mystery, Welcome To...

Horrible Histories Horrible

Histories presents Wicked William the Conqueror.

King William the Conqueror spoke French, but here's the thing.

He'll always be most famous as... A warrior English king.

We all know tough guy William won the Battle of Hastings. Poor Harold never

stood a chance. The mightiest of Hastings. And even after he was crowned

England subdued, he slaughtered peasants, fought the church. That

a feud.

To our most famous history date, there is one name that sticks.

The name?

William the Conqueror. The date?

1066.

You were standing too close.

Looks weird.

Previously on The Norman.

Norman, you look more like a viking.

Well, we used to be viking.

Oh, yes. The word Norman comes from Norman.

Well, at least you're not violent and horrible like a viking.

Me and my big mouth. Who will defeat Saxon king Edward the Confessor?

Saxon brother -in -law, Harold.

Oh, had any children yet, your majesty?

I'm far too religious for that.

Or his French cousin, the Norman duke, William.

Edward the Confessor?

He has promised me the English throne.

And just to clarify then, when you die, I'm going to be king, aren't I?

Hang on.

You said I could be king when you die?

Okay. What?

So that's that sorted then.

The Norman.

Catch it now.

So the Saxon Harold and the Norman William both believed they would one day

king of... England.

Well, that's going to be awkward.

And even though they were bitter rivals, they still hung out together like

proper busy mates.

Well, sort of.

Here you go, mate.

So, thank you for helping me out fighting the Duke of Brittany, mate.

Oh, right, yeah. Well, you know, whenever you need your support, mate.

I know, mate. You'll be there, mate.

I'll be there, mate.

Don't hate me, mate.

Sorry, I... I just thought, cos you... I'm missing, mate!

Yeah, of course, mate, for life. Fantastic, mate.

Because I am going to claim the English throne when Edward the Confessor dies,

so you support me and we're all good. King and mates for life. Eh, mate?

Ow. Erm... Yeah.

Great. Yep.

Grr.

Sorry, mate. It's all good. All good.

So, in that case, you won't mind swearing on these religious relics?

Not sure.

Come on, mate.

Swear, mate.

I swear to support you as my best mate.

And? Say it, mate.

And that's my king.

Although that is legally binding.

But there we are. Best mates forever, yacht mate.

Yes, best mate.

For now.

I mean forever.

Harold decided to return home to England, where soon after King Edward

Confessor died.

And back in France, it wasn't long before news reached William that things

hadn't quite gone according to his plan.

Find out what's new in the world.

This is?

Edmund the Confessor is dead?

Oh, brilliant!

That means that I, William, Duke of Normandy, am now King of England!

Oh, wait a minute.

This is King Harold?

There must be some kind of mistake.

Ask them if they do it in gold. Hello.

Hello, mate.

What is this?

The confessor is dead and you are king? I confess.

It's true.

Do you get it?

Confessor, confess.

Sorry, I've been wanting to do that one all morning.

Yeah, the nobles elected me king, so what can you do?

It's on chain mail online, so it must be true.

But Eddie promised me that I could be king of England.

Sorry, mate. Wish I could talk longer, but I booked out Westminster Abbey on

lastminutecoronations .com. Wish me luck.

Incredible.

This means war.

William! So what do I owe the pleasure?

Ah, Your Holiness.

Please forgive me disturbing you, but it is super important that you back my new

project on King's Data.

Who are you attacking this time?

Oh, I must invade England immediately and defeat Harold Godwin.

Okay. I'll do it right now via PayPal, pal.

Merci, Your Holiness. Thank you.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

We sail at dawn.

Call the police, there's a badger up my nana's. So check it.

A lot of time, history is written down by the people who have killed all the

other people who might have written it down.

So it's no surprise that they tend to come out looking pretty good. Let me

you, yeah?

No fool is perfect.

William the Conqueror.

He's just arrived in England, ready to kick some sacks and bark.

He wants to make a fierce first impression, yeah?

Shame he fell over like a massive clumsy fool.

William the Clown, more like.

Hey, see how easily I grab arrows' lands.

Pull the other one, Willie. You didn't mean to do that.

Ha -ha!

Idiot. Mind this thing here.

Hardly anyone remembers that little stumble. But I do.

Crazy fools think they can hide in history, but they better wake up and

apologise. I'll never forget. I'm like an efferlin.

Until next time, stay away from stupid y 'all.

Jed, it's a bath.

With some oil and some salt.

If you please.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to Battles of the Day, live from 1066 with

one of the most famous fights in British history. It's big, it's brutal, it's

bloody and boy are we looking forward to it. It's the Saxons versus the Normans

at the Battle of Hastings.

Combining tactical analysis with a mix of murder and mayhem, it's Jamie Cattle.

So Jamie, 1066.

If William defeats Harold today, we'll have a new king. That's three in one

year. How on earth will they sort all this out?

They'll kill each other, Geoff.

Exhausting stuff.

And there's no let -up, because Harold is about to face his biggest test.

This man, William, Duke of Normandy. Well, at the end of the day, Brian, I'm

trying to get what has been promised to me.

I'm trying to be reasonable.

You've been looting, burning and killing everything in sight for three days.

Well, that's not very reasonable, but look, the Pope has given me his seal of

approval, so I'm just fighting for what is legally matched.

But with the two armies so evenly matched, the chances of either side

massacred are getting slimmer and slimmer. What's the answer, Jamie?

Retreat, Jeff.

Sounds mad, I know, but look at this.

The Normans pretend to run away, and the trick draws the Saxons off the higher

ground, completely breaking up their defence, leaving them open to counter

-attack from William. Who's been killed?

Oh, my word! We can confirm that Duke William of Normandy is dead. Oh!

Chris Steikholmer. He's not dead, Geoff, but someone said he was, and the

Normans are retreating for real now. It's madness.

Where are they going to run to, Geoff?

France? Stop!

Wait!

Look! I am alive!

And with God's help, I will conquer.

Come back!

Come back!

They'll need more than God's help if they don't come back, Jamie. But the

Normans have turned back, Geoff. William must have talked them round.

And with the Saxons spread out all over the place, the Norman cavalry can really

get amongst them now and cut them down with ease. It's turned into a massacre

after all, Geoff.

Especially for Harold Godwinson, who was surrounded by Norman knights and hacked

to pieces.

And definitely not shot in the eye with an arrow.

It's an away win for the Normans, Geoff. Wise words.

So, it was victory for William at the famous Battle

of Hastings, earning him the name he's best known by, William the Conqueror.

Time to work it, Norman style.

We Normans are from France. It's not where we originated.

Our accents are weird, but we're not sophisticated.

Tough and terrifying.

We've descended from the Vikings.

So is it any wonder we have a natural flavor of fighting?

Normans over here!

And you English can't obey them. Normans over here!

Ah, that's cute. You try to fight them. Normans over here!

We set the north on fire. Normans over here!

Attack the life of a boy. We build carsons. We love horses.

Our cavalry.

Hey! Our army spear.

Hey! We're great fighters.

You can hire us. But you won't like us. And we don't care.

No! We've got bad hair from the chain mail that we wear.

This is Norman Style.

Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump! Riding Norman Style.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

This is Norman Style. I'm William the Conqueror, the greatest Norman ever.

Got delayed in waiting England because of the bad weather. Then chopped up your

King Harold and left his mummy crying.

What do you expect, man? I'm practically a Viking.

England's rightful heir.

So signed Edward the Confessor. England's rightful heir.

Forget I heard the New Japan.

England ride for air.

These Normans gonna rule ya. England ride for air.

Surrender or I kill ya. We build castles. We love horses.

Our cavalry.

Hey! Our line is clear.

Hey! We're great fighters.

You can hire us. But you won't like us. And we don't care.

No! We've got bad hair because of the chain mail that we wear.

This is Norman Style.

Hey,

tax on ladies.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Hack off, Norman Style.

Hey,

tax on prisoners.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Hands off, Norman Style. Hey,

check out horses.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Riding, Norman Style.

Hey,

wielding guns.

Chop, chop, chop.

Norman style.

So, William had conquered the Saxons by chopping them to bits. How very

primitive. But over the other side of the world, they were so advanced, they

ideas and inventions that would blow your mind, starting in China.

Let's blow some stuff up!

This book contains all the important military inventions the Chinese knew

nearly a thousand years ago.

Break it down, Shang.

Well, it's got flamethrowers. Whoosh!

Firebombs. Boom!

Poison bombs.

Boom!

Napalm. Don't really know what that is. Gunpowder. Bang!

And it even shows you how to make an early compass. Boring!

Let's set them all off at the same time.

Awesome!

What else is in there?

There's catapults that hold bombs, fire ships, arrows that explode.

Woo!

the reckless abuse of ancient wisdom.

All right, Grandad, we're wearing goggles.

Welcome to Amazing Scientist.

You know, nobody's perfect, so it's no wonder that some of our greatest

scientists can be a bit odd at times.

It's only natural.

I'm a scientist, and I've got an imaginary friend.

I haven't really. I'm joking. We fell out. He stole my imaginary shoes.

Stop following me!

Today I'm meeting Ibn al -Haytham, who's got no weirdness about him at all. Ibn

al -Haytham is seen as the world's first true scientist.

Hello. Go on, show them how brainy you are.

I discovered the laws of refraction and I used them to work out the height of

the atmosphere.

This is before the Battle of Hastings. Amazing.

And I also improved the pinhole camera.

Pinhole camera over a thousand years ago.

Amazing. A scientist with no weirdness whatsoever.

I'm a lemon.

Eh? I'm a hairy lemon.

What are you doing?

Squeezing lemon heads.

It's the caliph al -Hakim.

I have to pretend to be mad.

I promised the Caliph I'd stop the Nile from flooding, but that was before I'd

seen it.

It's massive.

I've got no chance.

Anyway, so now I have to pretend to be mad so he won't kill me.

Banana buttons!

Amazing scientists, honestly.

So, after I destroyed the miserable English at the Battle of Hastings, what

me and my army do?

Could we, A, clear the battlefield of all the dead English bodies?

Could we, B, steal the shoes from all the dead English bodies?

And did we, C, have a picnic on top of all the dead English bodies?

And the answer is C.

We had a picnic, of course. We had a lovely cover. And then we had the

Actually, I think I still have some food stuck in my teeth.

Wicked William soon got busy bringing the country under Norman control,

stuff down and building loads of castles. And to mark his great victory

Battle of Hastings, work began on one of the most famous bits of sewing ever,

the Bayer Tapestry.

Today on Let's Talk About Art, I'm here in the Norman era with the nuns who are

making the Bayeux Tapestry.

Sister, tell us, what is the Bayeux Tapestry?

It's a massive picture of the event leading up to, during and after the

of Hastings.

Oi! Agnes!

Use the big needle!

Yeah, the big needle!

And I believe it's going to be 70 metres long. Yeah, yeah, give or take.

Oi, Joan, call that a helmet?

Sort your threads out, love.

And who all commissioned it?

I don't know, mate. We just do as we're told.

Although, William the Conqueror's brother, Odo, is shown as one of the

of the battle, and he weren't even there, so I'm guessing he might be

it.

Oi, oi!

Monks, go in, pa!

Oi, give us a wave!

So, how is... So, how is a tapestry made?

A tapestry.

An embroidery, mate.

So why is it called a tapestry?

Not my department. That would be the clever realm. It's upstairs.

And when will you be stitching the arrow that killed Harold?

You what, mate? The arrow when he was shot in the eye.

Don't know what you're talking about. Harold was hacked to death, biting on

front line.

Arrow in the eye? You've been reading too many books, sunshine.

Interesting. And I can't help noticing that you are English nuns who are

on the tapestry.

Embroidery for the Normans.

Well, job's a job, isn't it? And besides, the way we've drawn it, the

actually come out quite well. We've added a few bits here and there, they'll

never know it.

Don't tell the bosses.

Mum!

Oi, oi!

He's waving at me!

Oh, no, he was just scratching his bald spot. Well, there you have it.

What a privilege it is to see one of the greatest artworks in history.

actually being constructed.

What a magical experience.

Oi, Abbot, give me the wife.

Please stop doing that.

Welcome to the great Saxon bake -off, where our Saxon peasant has made some

bread. Well, do you know she's a peasant?

Everyone's a peasant to me, Paul.

Now... Oh, grubby woman, what do you have here?

Well, the thing is, Mary, it's July. I know, it's glorious, isn't it? My

hollyhocks are thriving.

Yeah, well, the grain ain't ready for harvesting yet and our stores have run

out. So, at this time of year, us Saxons have to make do with what we can find.

It wasn't easy, but I've managed to make this rye bread.

Yeah, it looks moldy.

The mold's the best bit.

I say that really special.

And is it safe?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Unless it's got irrigate in it. In that case, it'll kill you.

And the mould will send you mad. But apart from that, totes safe. Yeah.

Oh, I have also got this.

Now, this looks more pleasant.

That'll be the mould.

Now, what is it? Oh, it's sort of a rustic seed loaf.

How charming.

Is it safe?

100%, yeah.

Although it has got hemp, poppies and dornal seeds from the hedges mixed in

the small amount of flour we had left.

So, on reflection, no. What sends you mad as a jackdaw?

Well, it tastes fine to me.

Ah, there you go.

So, am I Star Baker then?

I am an avocado.

Take that as a yes.

After I conquered the English, I nicked all their lands and shared it with my

barons. Of course, to make sure there were no English rebellions, my barons

started building the castles.

But guess how many were built during my reign?

Was it A, 50 castles, B, 250 castles, or C,

500 castles?

Yes, the answer is C. We built a modern belly castle almost every two weeks

until there were 500 of them.

William the Conqueror? More like William the Carpenter.

I'm kidding, of course. The only manual labour I do is ravaging my enemies.

William was a strong and determined king, dedicating his rule to turning

England into Norman England so he could pass the crown down to his son.

Turns out invading was the easy bit.

He had lots of angry Saxons to keep under control.

You'd think on his deathbed, surrounded by loyal subjects, he'd at least get

some peace.

Nah, not a chance.

And as a last act, I release all those currently in prison.

A generous gesture, Your Majesty.

That would be my last great act. As William did.

Right.

Fill your boots.

What was all that commotion?

It was merely the wind, sire.

What was all that about?

When he dies, there will be a massive power struggle. We need to get home and

protect our property.

But you are nicking, sir.

We need money, and he won't need it where he is going.

Show some respect.

I'm having the silver.

Yes, William the Conqueror finally snuffed it in 1087, aged 59, and passed

crown of England on to his son, William II.

William the Conqueror had established a new ruling dynasty that would change

England forever, despite having one of the worst haircuts in history.

Amazing stuff!

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous too.

So I said, I'm sick of flogging a dead horse.

Literally.

Because I was.

I've got a hatchback now, much better.

Oh, welcome back.

Time for my next guest, the first Norman king of England, William the Conqueror.

Awkward. Must be a lot of fractions in.

So, William the Conqueror, thanks for coming on the show. Now, I want to keep

things jolly, so let's talk about your funeral.

That was a laugh, wasn't it? What do you mean?

Well, you know, I heard it went with a bang.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Thing is, your body was so fat and bloated.

And your sarcophagus was so small that when they tried to force you into it,

your belly exploded.

Boom!

Yeah,

it's not that funny when you say it out loud, is it? I exploded at my own

funeral. All right, mate. No sense crying over spilt guts.

And he's back.

Never gets old.

Listen, any of you lot planning on a summer holiday? Because you're all

a bit pale.

Catty death, catty death, hope next time it's not you, hoo -hoo!

Tall tales, atrocious act, we gave you all the best of facts, the ugly truth,

grab or blink, we count you all a juicy bit. Gory, darkly, mean and cruel, stuff

they don't teach you at all. The past is no longer a mystery, hope you enjoy

Horrible History.