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the party's no longer a mystery, welcome to...

Horrible History.

Horrible History presents Awesome Alfred the Great.

Today we bring you King Alfred deserving of the great.

Oh, was it because his history was written by his mate?

A lot of what we think is true quite possibly is fake.

For instance, it was never proved he ever burned a cake. What?

No, he thought the Viking foe defeated them in war.

And even when he ran away, returned to win once more, reformed the army,

and law. Impressive, that is true.

But should he really be the great?

Friends, that's up to you.

The new hip theory.

The Packers.

Hey, Steady!

Alfred, what are you doing?

What?

Just reading my book, Father.

You're such a disappointment, Alfred.

Why aren't you always fighting?

Why are your brothers Ethel Stan, Ethel Bull, Ethel Bert, and Ethel Red? Why

doesn't my name start with Ethel like all my brothers?

Because Ethel means prince.

And you're the youngest, so you'll never be king.

But my name means elf wisdom. It's so girly.

Compared to Ethel.

You want to read something, read that.

One day, boys, all this will be yours.

Well,

not this bit, obviously.

This bit's a different kingdom.

Okay, right.

So this.

Vikings, we've had a bite out of this.

One day, boys, this will all be yours.

Still good, that's enough.

The kingdom of Wessex.

Oh, share it nicely.

My boys.

Right, brothers, now that he's dead, no point sharing with elf boy.

He'll never be king.

Not unless we all drop dead from a variety of almost certainly natural

Another spade out.

Two.

Oh, dear.

Joking, I'm actually fine.

So, Ethel Stan, Ethel Thing, and Ethel, um... The others are all dead.

Which means I am the king.

And you, younger brother, are suddenly heir to the throne.

Will you help run my army?

Okay. Good. Once the Vikings are gone. You take that, I'll catch up.

Right.

The Fat Guns. Catch it now.

Show. Alfred, his brother, and their Saxon followers had to defend their

against the pesky pagan Vikings.

The Vikings were fearsome invaders from Scandinavia, famous for sailing across

the seas in their longboats and attacking all across northern Europe.

The Vikings believed in lots of different Norse gods, like Thor, the god

thunder. But the Saxons were Christians and they took their beliefs seriously.

And I mean seriously, seriously.

Men of Wessex, we shall defeat the Vikings by dividing our army into two.

I, King Æthelred, will lead one half, while my younger brother, Alfred, will

lead the other.

The Vikings approach quite fast.

There's no time to lose.

Let us pray.

What in heaven?

Forever and ever, amen.

You know the ones, Lord, on the boats.

The long ones.

What are they called?

Long boats. What are you doing? Obviously, when you think about it.

right, you're praying.

Okay, it's just there is 800 Vikings out there and we are kind of outnumbered.

Yeah, I know. That's why I'm having an extra strong pray.

Okay, you do that.

I'll keep them busy until you're ready.

Sorry, Lord.

I've got a moment's peace around here.

Arthur, you're lost in heaven.

I'll be thine.

How's it going?

Haven't really got going, to be honest. Okay, well, the battle really has got

going. And we're kind of outnumbered here, so... Crikey.

I'd better get these prayers right or we really will be in trouble.

Dear Lord.

A little bit formal.

I'll cut to the chase. Please let me win the battle bashdown. Amen.

Right. Come in ready or not.

Well,

that was easy.

We did it.

We actually beat the Vikings.

About the wee there, Alfie. I did all the heavy praying.

Actually really hurt my knee.

Still, I owe you one big guide.

Thanks, brother.

I wasn't talking to you.

Alfred may have fought the Vikings, but in some parts of the country, Vikings

and Saxons learnt to live side by side.

They might have been terrifying, but the Vikings brought lots of things to

Britain, including a strange new way of talking.

Oh, hello, Ola.

How's that flaxen tunic I told you?

I saw some.

I really love the way that it fell apart immediately that I put it on, and how

much it smelled of sheep's wheeze. Oh, great.

I was being sarcastic.

What? Sarcastic.

It's a way of insulting people as Vikings brought wheelers from

Basically, you say the opposite of what you mean, but in a really sneery tone of

voice. Oh, right.

So, so you...

I didn't like the fact that it fell apart or that it smells of sheep's wee.

Wow, she's the genius.

What a clever Saxon woman you are.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, hold on a minute.

That was sarcastic, wasn't it?

I'm sorry you weren't happy with the clue. I tell you what, to make up for

why don't you choose anything you like from the shop free of charge?

Well... I do need a gift for my wife.

Look, if you're going to be like that, I'm not going to help you. No, I really

do. We're going through a rocky patch. Oh, I see. I thought you meant you

need a gift because you said you did.

That wasn't me being sarcastic. I didn't use the sneery tone of a leaf. I get

it. Hold on.

Why don't you get your beautiful wife this lovely handful of dung? Then she'll

smell even nicer than she does already.

Well done. I'm definitely not going to kill you now. Great.

Sorry, I've been hanging out with Saxon too long. I forgot the tone of voice.

Well done. Definitely not going to kill you now.

Oh, I get it.

Oh! Oh, my wife.

So, back to Alfred, the boy who would never be king.

Wrong!

His brother, Ethelred, died fighting the Vikings, and against all the odds,

Alfred became the top man.

At first, he was forced to retreat and hide in a farmhouse, where, legend has

it, he was asked to watch some cakes cooking in the oven, but forgot and

them instead.

Whatever the truth of that, he did come up with a cunning plan.

To beat a Viking army, he would fight like a Viking army, hit and run.

Mind you, if I ever see a Viking, I just do the second bit.

I'm not an Ethel, but I'll end up being king. They mostly ended up the wrong end

of a viking.

Every time I spoke to Viking Guthrum to try to broker peace, he always seemed to

break his promise, so cease if I had to cease.

His armies entered Exeter, I caught him strife, but he fought back, so now I'm

flighting for my life.

I'm out of town.

I'm in retreat.

Don't want to end up as Viking meat.

I'm hurried on.

I am up and down. Hiding in the marshes of Somerset.

I'm on the run. No, I'm supposed to be top man. Think I'm beat, but this is me.

It's my royal master plan.

I know this land so well. I'll catch him hit and run. Mount attacks on Viking

shacks. It's like I'm on the Isle of Anthony is where great legends all

People say that while I was there, I burned cakes in a pan.

They say there was nothing left but smoldering cakey goo.

This story, really, I must admit, it's not true.

I'm out of town,

but now I see a way to rebuild a huge army.

I'm hanging in, I'm getting tough.

Quite soon those Vikings will have had enough.

Now with my army, Guthrum's men, I'm whipping them. They exit exitant, now

chipper and chipping them. Proof to the country, I've got what it takes.

But all people ask, though, is it true about the cakes?

I win the fight, I am the king.

Tough like my brothers kill the Viking.

I'm number one.

I am the boss.

You mess with me and that'll be your loss.

I won the war. Came out on top.

Viking rule managed to stop.

I raised the stakes.

I got the breaks. But I didn't really burn the cake.

Alfred defeated the Vikings and he definitely didn't burn the cakes, OK?

Well, probably not anyway.

But over in China, they were scoffing on some very strange stuff at the court of

Great Empress Wu Yanyan. Wu better believe it!

Hello! Yes, it's I, my tongue celebrity, live from 8th century China.

Joining us for the bush -tucker trial, it's town -tastic ruler, Empress Wu Yat

-Yen. Why, aye, Wu. Why, aye.

So, Wu, you could say you're a powerful Wu -man.

Ha -ha, nice. Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get to the top, but

can you cope with... ..hornet larvae?

Oh, basically maggots. Aye.

Oh, she's evil.

In that case, how about...

Cockroach. Oh, lovely.

Oh, disgusting.

Boiled camel hump. Oh, to die for.

Oh, God.

Bamboo rat yoke.

Tail's the best bit for me.

Not the tail.

Jellyfish. A juicy bit.

It's making my tail...

Steen Bear.

You do know in Tang China these are things we normally eat.

Stop, stop, stop. You've passed the bush -topper trial.

Disgusting. Here's your prize.

Tampons, a sirloin steak to share with your royal court. Well done.

What?

Actually, it's all right. I've got about 6 ,000. Still, I'm glad she doesn't

have any beef with me.

Now, back in England, King Alfred needed to show everyone he was the real royal

deal by proving he had lots of impressive relatives.

So he got in a Welsh monk called Asser who knew plenty about Alfred's family

history and even more about making stuff up.

Now that you're king, sir, people want to know all about you, so we've got to

write your family tree. Ah, that's easy.

I'm Alfred, son of Ethelwulf, son of Echtricht, son of Ilmund of Kent, son of

Ioppa, son of Ioppa, son of Inguld.

I am before that.

Well, Alfred, do you want to go back to the Bible?

Yes.

Noah would be nice. Noah.

As in the animals go in two by two, that Noah?

Yes.

Well, hang on, according to the Bible, isn't everyone technically descended

Noah?

Exactly. So we've just got to fill in the gaps.

I don't really know.

Oh, why do you say you're descended from Cerdic?

Anglo -Saxon kings don't go much bigger than Cerdic.

But I'm not sure if I am.

You're not sure if you're not?

Oh, look.

There it is in black and white. You are descended from Cerdic.

So you are a descendant of scale.

And he was the grandson of Bedwig.

It was Darwin's scale. And you know who his dad was?

Noah. Congratulations, sir.

We've made peace with the Vikings.

Good news.

But in order to be accepted amongst them, they just need a few details from

their family tree.

No problemo. Tell them I am descended from Noah.

The Noah.

They will love that. They will convert into Christianity.

They haven't yet, sir.

I think it might be better if you were descended from someone a bit more Viking

-ish. No, but I'm not.

Plus, we haven't only looked at your father's thing.

Go on.

Well, it turns out your mother was descended from the Greek Viking god.

Woden. It turns out.

It will.

Yes, that's Woden with a W.

The mighty Viking god Woden. And Noah.

This is unbelievable. You couldn't make this stuff up.

I won't go that far, sir.

When I was a young prince, my brother and I did our very best to fight off

nasty Vikings. But other English royals had less success.

Guess how Vikings executed King Aiella of Northumbria. Did they? Eh?

Chuck him in a pit with venomous snakes?

B. Cut his ribs open and tear out his lungs?

Or C.

Feed him to hungry dogs?

The answer is B.

It's called the blood eagle, which is a truly gruesome punishment.

Why can't people just be nice to each other, eh?

Honestly.

Alfred was a great warrior.

But he was also known for being really brainy, for improving Saxon education,

and for coming up with his very own inventions.

Hey, welcome back to the Historical Shopping Channel. We are thrilled to

King Alfred with us today.

The Great.

King Alfred the Great. I'm trying it out. I'll tell you what is great, your

thrilling new book.

Is it all about killing Vikings?

No, it's about how the church should care for its flock.

By killing Vikings? No.

I'm trying to put the whole killing Vikings thing behind me, actually.

It comes with a free gift.

Is that... For killing Vikings. No, it's for pointing at dead Vikings at words

in the book.

It's worth 50 gold coins. Great!

Wait a minute, that's more than the books worth.

Well, isn't 50 gold coins with every sale?

Yep.

Right, well, do you have anything else which we could make some of the money

back with? I do. The incredible candle clock, which I hasten to add I invented

myself. So you know when it's Viking slaughter o 'clock.

No, so I know when it's prayer, study and kingly duty o 'clock.

Right, what's wrong with the sundial? It doesn't work at night, does it?

These babies, 24 -7.

Do many people call you great?

That is a design flaw, I'll admit.

So Alfred ended up with a pretty great nickname. But not all the kings of the

time were quite so lucky.

Kings we get from the Saxon era.

Grandson of Charlemagne, Emperor of the Franks. I am Charles the Fat.

Count of Barcelona, Count of Ardell, Count of Cardania, Count of Girona. I am

Wilfred the Hairy.

I put the Viking armies across the North Sea and created a kingdom. I am Ragnar.

And I don't have a silly nickname.

All right, Ragnar, here are your trousers.

King of Scotland.

Donald the Madman.

Hi.

Hello. I'm down here.

I am King of the Franks.

Pippin. The short.

Obviously.

Oh, forget it.

I am the man who united Norway and Denmark.

Harold Bluetooth.

Oh, sorry.

Lost track of time.

First recognized king of Denmark, born to sleep.

So people around the world in Alfred's time had some pretty unusual names, and

they had some very unusual ideas about medicine, too.

Horrible History's Health Direct. You've come through to the Saxon era. What is

the nature of your medical complaints?

Tummy trouble.

Oh, I am sorry.

Now, tell me, dear, have you been attacked by elves or dwarves in the last

couple of days?

No. Real dwarves or elves? Bears, pointy ears?

Yes, yes?

No? Oh, well, that's useful to know.

We Saxons... and believe that many illnesses are caused by supernatural

But not in your case.

OK, so for runny bottoms, you will need to cut

nine strips of bramble bush and boil them in milk.

OK, if that doesn't work, my Mayan colleague is suggesting chocolate.

But then again, he always does.

Doesn't matter if it's diarrhoea or acne.

Chocolate! Thank you for calling. Bye!

Horrible History's Health Direct.

We've come through to the Saxon era.

I'm Aziz from Egypt.

What is the nature of your medical complaints?

Summit troubles.

You called earlier and it's getting worse.

Dwarves and elves.

I did tell him.

No, I don't think any of that's likely.

But we do have a fully functioning hospital in Cairo in the Saxon era, and

medical team can treat you there and you can stay while you recover.

Oh, and, um, so much chocolate, can't it?

Chocolate!

Hello, me again.

Annoyingly, those Vikings have still a problem, so I've cunningly built a navy

to stop them sailing their longships up our rivers.

In fact... I'm known as the father of the British Navy.

But what teensy problem have we had with our new navy?

A. Our ships are too small.

B. Our ships are too big.

Or C.

Our ships keep sinking.

The answer, would you believe it, is B.

You might think bigger is better, but our huge long ships apparently keep

getting stuck in the mud when the tide goes out, whereas the smaller Viking

ships can sail away.

I think there's only one solution.

Build bigger rivers.

Yeah, actually, that sounds like quite a lot of work.

Ignore that.

Yeah, get your thinking crown on, Alfred.

Over in Rome, a new pope had an interesting idea about how to make his

leader of the Catholic Church.

I say interesting.

It was, in fact, completely bonkers.

It's time for another one of history's craziest fools.

see there's a big beaver on my lilo history has shown us yeah that sometimes

crazy fools find themselves in positions of great power which can mean only one

thing stupid stuff goes down bro down his holiness judge pope stephen the

sixth i thought i had a long day when king alfred was around This guy was Pope

in Rome and wanted to make himself look better by dissing the Pope who came

before him. I put it to you, Pope Formosus, that you became the Pope

Are you or are you not guilty?

How do you plead?

That is not cool, bro.

Your silence is damning, Pope Formosus. That's hardly his fault. He is innocent.

Then why has he been hiding underground?

Because he's been dead for a year in a grave.

That's right.

They put a dead guy on trial.

We've had enough of your games, Pope Formosus. We can see right through you.

Guilty!

What? You're the only guilty one here, you lunchbox.

Guilty of being a papally crazy, holy fool.

History proves.

Once again, just because someone is in charge doesn't mean they ain't crazier

than a frog on a rollercoaster with a wig on. So stay away from stupid, all

right?

No, it's not Quinoa, it's Quinoa.

The title came after his death, but it is fair to state he did enough amazing

stuff to earn the name The Great.

Striking Viking school reform.

Brand new towns we got them. But one solution never found. A cure for his

bottom.

Bottom. Come on, grow up. Grow up.

Asser, my trusted advisor, what business have we today?

We have messages from all the great men of Europe, your majesty.

They mean to compliment us on our victory over the Vikings and the great

that we've built. We must be the talk of Europe. Yep.

Shall I put a cushion down, sire?

No, why should I have a cushion?

I told you not to mention my bottom problems.

I'm meant to be a great king. I don't want everyone talking about my backside.

You don't think they know, do you?

Oh, sire, you've had piles for 20 years now.

But, you know, I don't see how anyone could know.

Yes,

all right, all right.

If they're not all talking about my bottom, Then why all the cushions?

Oh, it's a coincidence, Your Majesty.

When I prayed to God to make me ill so I could focus on my work, I was not

expecting an attack from the rear.

Still,

as long as no -one's talking about it.

Approach. I bring word from Jerusalem.

The head of my church has taken a great interest in what is happening here in

Britain. I told you after.

Our schools, our new towns, our legal codes are the talk of Europe. I bring

herbs and spices.

It's a good one.

For your, how you say, runny body splats.

Right.

That's it. I've had enough.

No more talk about bottoms.

The next person who mentions backside will be in a lot of trouble. Isn't that

clear?

Asa?

No, that's his name.

That's his name.

Mummy bum!

Ouchie!

Despite the pain in his bum, Alfred ruled successfully until he died in 899,

aged 50 years old, and passed his rule down to his son, Edward the Elder.

Alfred had defended his kingdom against the vicious Vikings and laid the

foundations for the country that would become England. Not bad for a bloke who

wasn't called Ethel.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and famous twos.

Yeah, well that's the problem with eating curry when you're a skeleton,

it? Goes right through you.

Welcome back to Chatty Death.

Time for my next guest.

He's a former king of the Anglo -Saxons. Please welcome Alfred the Great.

Tough crowd.

So, Alfred the Great.

How's life now, you dirt?

People still call me that.

Alfred the Great.

That is great.

All right, mate. I'll do the jokes. I'm sorry. I know it's your show. It's just

nice to know that my efforts to defeat the Danes and unite the Anglo -Saxons

under one king were appreciated.

The Great.

Yeah, it's better than being forgotten like King Thingamajig the What's -His

-Name. Oh, I can rest easy.

Yeah. Wherever you are.

What do you mean? I was buried in the great church in Winchester.

Well, you were.

What? Why don't you tell him for a change?

You tell him. Should I tell him? All right, I'll tell him.

Well, you were buried in Winchester, but then you were dug up and moved to a new

church. What?

And then you were dug up and moved to Hyde Abbey. And then Hyde Abbey was

demolished by King Henry VIII. So what happened to my body?

No idea, mate.

Could be anywhere.

I demand to know what happened to my body.

Demand as much as you like, mate. No one's got a clue.

Although I could arrange a tip -off.

Thank you. That would be much appreciated.

Here's your tip -off, mate.

Alfred the Great there, everybody.

Oh, yes, no, I liked him too. I did. I think I'll miss him.

I suppose we could always call him up on the Anglo saxophone.

Seriously?

Nobody laughed at that.

I'm wasted here.

Chatty death, chatty death. Hope next time it's not you.

The only book I've ever read in my life. No way.

You'll like it.

I can't run.

I'm screwed to the table.

The past is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoy Horrible History.