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Horrible Histories

Horrible Histories presents Crooked King John and Magna Carta

You don't hear many nice things said about King John the Third

Some people would go further and proclaim him as the worst For John was

much -loved king, in France he lost a war Annoyed the Pope, but then gave in

lost to France once more He lived a life of luxury, that's what his tax was for.

And when he spent their income fee, he taxed his barons more.

So why is King John's reign defined as a most special thing?

Because the Magna Carta shined when he was England's king.

King John, the story of a family at war and a future king born in the shadow of

his older brother, Richard the Lionheart.

You'll never be king.

You'll never be king.

No, please.

Ridiculed by his father.

Maybe we should call you John Lackland. Get it?

Lackland. Because you lack land.

So it is funny, Dad.

A story of power and betrayal.

It might be a runty little piece of cake, but at least...

He would not turn on his own father.

Yeah, the thing is, Dad, I'm sort of sliding with the French and rebelling

against you.

John, what have you done?

Mom, Dad's dead. Can I be king?

No, it's your brother Richard, George.

How unfair!

A boy desperate to be king, but thwarted by his elder brother.

I gave him land in France on the condition that he stayed out of England

I'm on crusade.

God willed it.

God willed it. And did he?

No.

Sneaked back into England and started a full -scale rebellion.

Two brothers at war, but stuck with each other in more ways than one.

He's a cheating, scheming, spineless idiot.

Oui, but he is our cheating, scheming, spineless idiot.

Where is he?

Now. Hmm?

I'm really sorry, Richard. It won't happen again. I'll do anything.

So lucky he'll never be king.

King John, coming to a stream near you now.

With Richard, King John couldn't win no matter how he tried.

But then some good luck came John's way. Brave Richard sadly died. A crisis of

succession bruised the barons must choose who.

A 12 -year -old with French support or John, they said. He'll do.

You join us here at Westminster Avenue, 1199. Yes, he finally made it. It's the

long -awaited coronation of King John. An occasion of true dignity and

solemnity. And as the Archbishop of Canterbury approaches, John appears to

taking off his tunic and his undergarments.

Sorry, can I just check something? Am I in the right place?

Coronation of King John.

It's just that he's getting almost completely naked.

They always did that.

Okay. Weird.

The new king emerges in some sort of nappy.

But doesn't he look magnificent?

as he finally dons the crown.

And, oh, the struggle's a bit big.

To be fair, it's made of solid gold.

And it's been a long day for everyone.

Yet, King John, the man who will shape the nation.

As soon as he gets up.

Get me out of here.

Yes, when Richard the Lionheart died, John finally got his heart's desire and

became king.

He immediately started travelling around the country, doing what he did best,

being a right royal pain in the neck.

Hi, I'm King John. I'm an itinerant monarch. That means I travel around the

country, ruling from wherever I happen to be at the time. Being on the road

means I've had to learn to survive in some pretty extreme circumstances.

And I'm going to show you how. Here are the basics for extreme survival.

Extreme survival tip one.

Shelter. You're out in the wilds of England. Miles from home, you need

to sleep. Look around you.

What do you see? Moss, leaves, grass, nature's sheets and blankets.

What I like to use is actual sheets and blankets. That's why when I'm

travelling, I bring loads of servants with me to carry all my bedding.

And my bed! But wait.

What if it rains?

Look around you. What do you see?

Trees and bushes can provide an effective shield against the elements.

But what I like to do is send the soldiers I've brought with me to take

nearest castle.

Then I can sleep there.

That's extreme survival.

You're going to need to bring that.

Extreme survival tip two.

Health.

Keeping clean out in the wild can be tough, especially when, like me, you're

used to having a bath nearly twice a month.

But where are you going to find a bath out here on the open road? Look around

you. What do you see?

Fresh running water.

It's nature's bathtub.

But this is my actual bathtub.

It's much nicer and it goes everywhere I go.

My toilet comes too.

Next week on King John's Survival Tips, travelling abroad and how to avoid

seasickness with nothing but two servants to hold your head still. I'm

go. I'm going to be sick.

I'm going.

When John was a young man busy annoying people, over the other side of the

world, knights and soldiers were busy killing people in the Crusades.

fighting over who owned the Holy Land.

But Saladin, the leader of the Muslim forces, was a clever, well -respected

ruler and a great warrior.

So, nothing like John then.

The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem, but we can deal with them here by the

horns of Hattin.

Kill them!

Kill them all!

Patience, my friends. We must be cleverer than that.

We can attack them in a different way. We're in a desert. So ask yourself, what

do they need? A good kicking.

No, no, no. A sword through their skulls. Kill them all. No, no, no, no,

Think about it. Think about it. What must they do every day in the desert?

No, no, no, not that. Put it this way. What must we all do? What must we all do

every day to survive?

Go toilet?

Other end. Other end. Brush their teeth. What is this? What is this?

Water!

Water! Water!

I totally drink water every day. So, what must we do?

Kill him!

No, no, no. Go back.

To the water. Think water. Drown them.

Drown them all.

How am I supposed to drown them? In the paddling pool I keep on my camel?

You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Oh, thanks for that. That's

really helpful.

What happens in a desert if you don't drink your water?

They have nothing to wash their salad in.

Saladin. It's called salad in.

What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?

They get thirsty.

And what happens if you still don't drink the water?

You get bad skin.

No choppy lips. No patatage, okay? What happens next?

You die.

Yeah! Boom! One point to idiot number two. Well done.

Where do they need to go to get their water?

Begins with a W, ends in an L.

Wall.

Rhymes with bell.

Cello.

Well.

Yeah!

So we go to the well. We block their access. They cannot drink any water.

get weaker and weaker until they can barely stand.

They're about to die.

And then we can finally... Kill them all! Kill them all!

Kill them all!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we just run through it one more time?

We go to the well.

The well is this way.

Saladin was clever, cunning in battle, but was also fair to his enemies.

He once agreed to stop attacking a castle because there was a royal wedding

going on.

No, Saladin didn't. Yes, Saladin did.

But not everyone in the Crusades was as civilised as Saladin, especially not the

French knight, Renaud de Chatillon. He was so nasty, he must have thought they

were called the Cruel Saves. Eh? The Cruel Saves!

Definitely one of history's...

craziest fools.

Ha!

I'm Mr. H, and I've seen your history there. It's a rich tapestry of

people doing brave and wonderful things.

But I ain't here to talk about them!

Now, I like to visit places, see stuff, and meet people. But in the Middle Ages,

people liked to visit places.

steal stuff and kill people.

If that ain't crazy, I don't know what is.

Meet Reynolds of Chathion. He was a gnat, yeah, who fought in the Crusades

King John's brother Richard the Lionheart and ended up staying in the

This guy was bigoted, insensitive, violent, greedy and brute. And those

good points. He used to put boxes on the heads of prisoners.

So her father's a colonel and her mother's in the WI.

I know.

Right, when I was a prince, I was top -notch ruling practice.

I mean, lord of Ireland. What was the funniest thing about that job?

What is it?

A. The Irish lords walked around naked. B.

The Irish lords had funny beards. Or C.

The Irish lords dressed like women.

B.

Of course it's me. The Irish lords had funny beards. I had so much trouble

pulling their beards, they didn't like it. I don't know why. No sense of humor.

Funny guy.

Yeah, hilarious.

King John lived a life of privilege and luxury, but medieval life for ordinary

people like me wasn't always that comfortable. In fact, it could be pretty

smelly.

Wipe your bum, sir. What? Will I?

Wipe your bum, sir. Er, no.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, come, sir. This is the Middle Ages.

A fine gentleman like yourself can't be seen to wipe his own bum now, can he?

All right, it's all here in the Book of Civilised Man by esteemed poet Daniel of

Beckles.

If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling.

Wait, you can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.

That's what I was going to do, sir. Please!

All right.

I don't want your money.

No, I want your poo.

What? It's been such a cold winter, we've been burning poo to keep warm.

Warm?

Ready when you are, sir. Just one log for the fire.

All right.

Well, that's dinner sorted.

You might think burning poo to keep warm is pretty bad.

Because it is.

But across the globe, a ferocious leader was making life for people even worse.

in Mongolia.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason, and welcome to Battle of the Day, coming live from 13th

century Mongolia, as we focus on the scourge of the world. No, not the

disastrous King John in England, but the strong wolf himself, Genghis Khan.

With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details, is Jamie Castle.

Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation, but come on.

Is he really that ruthless?

During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath. What kind

soap would you use in a bloodbath?

It's not a real bath, Jeff.

And even if it was, Genghis has made washing punishable by death.

Hold your noses. We're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.

Genghis, we're off to do battle with the Chinese today. What do you say to

accusations that you fight dirty?

It's true.

I do.

There is no honour in war.

Only victory or defeats.

I'm not sure that I agree with you there.

Then I'll kill you!

Thanks,

lads. See you later.

We're about to go to Chris' stake armour at the Bridge of Human Bodies. Chris?

Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy's fortress and orders all his

prisoners to rush into the water until their bodies pile up like a bridge. A

human bridge!

allowing his army to march right across.

I've never seen anything like it, Jeff.

Ugly, but weirdly effective.

Good luck, you, Chris.

Oh, you're really mature.

Oh, yeah, I'm in a Mongol horn.

Look at me, bullying everyone.

And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.

Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find. One of the most

brutal warriors in history. It's quite a legacy.

Hang on.

How about my religious tolerance?

Or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women, stealing animals, and enslaving

other Mongols. And all you want to do is talk about wars and killing?

But you have killed quite a lot of people.

Fair point.

40 million, here. 40 million?

In the 13th century?

That's nearly 11 % of the world's entire population.

Great for the environment, though, Geoff. Dead people don't produce CO2,

or chopped down trees.

He really deserves to be remembered as one of the most environmentally friendly

rulers of all time.

Methane.

While Genghis Khan was conquering half the known world, back in England, things

weren't going well for King John.

But instead of being nice and trying to make more friends, he just kept winding

everyone up and being really, really annoying.

This is John. He's the King of England. He's got a lot of expensive gear to

shell out for.

Walls, fleets, castles and the like.

Bad news, he skips.

Good news, he's also the King of Khans.

Let's see him do the business.

My leave.

The dodgy war con.

Brought by troops.

When do we set sail for war on France?

Yeah, really soon.

Have you got the cash?

Hang on.

You're not going to do that thing again where you pretend there's a war on and

we give you a load of money to help fight it and it turns out there wasn't a

and you just wanted the money.

Good.

Come on.

Here you go. Okay.

Gosh, he's just been had.

Thanks. Um, actually, I think we will end the war.

Thanks for your support, though.

Oh! I can't believe you got me again.

To be fair, he does it the whole time, you know.

And we have no choice but to give him what he asks.

It's bad enough that he lost all our land in France. Now he's nicking our

Wife's going to be livid.

See you, guys.

Who's this king, sir? It's our scammer King John again. We call this one the

Lackland Churchland, Con.

Sorry, are you the bishop?

Yes, sir. Good.

Right, because I'm a king, and I'm confiscating all your land.

Right. Okay, don't tell me you're going to sell them back to me.

Not even close.

I'm going to sell them back to you.

Boy, he's already setting up his next con.

I'm going to build a whole new town.

just so that I can charge them for a royal charter.

I'm going to call this con... Liverpool.

Bosh!

Warning, some of these hustles may turn your people against you and lead to you

losing the crown.

It's true.

King John really did found the area of Liverpool as a way to make money out of

his people.

Whose Merseyside is he on, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Eventually, the barons had had enough of coughing up cash for greedy King Johnny

and decided to make a list of angry demands.

The Archbishop of Canterbury agreed to act as a go -between, and on June 10th,

1215, King John and the barons met for two weeks of arguing at Runnymede in

Surrey to discuss what would become the famous Magna Carta.

Your Majesty.

We, the noblemen of England, are worried about your continued abuse of power.

It threatens the future of the realm. So we've gathered here at Runnymede and

we've written a list of grievances in this document here called the Magna

Really ticked off, actually. Really ticked off. Big time.

Magnum cartos, whatever.

Got some grievances of my own, actually. I think you'll find our grievances more

serious. I think you'll find mine are. I don't think you will, actually.

I think I will, actually. I don't think you will, actually.

There's only one way to settle this.

I propose a grievance battle.

Baron, hit it!

Where to start?

Which part? We've got so many grievances, we could fill a cart. Let's

some facts. Like facts. They're so heavy that they're going to break our backs.

We can't pay. There's no chance. We lost all our money when you lost France.

The northern bit, anyway.

Your Majesty, you got bones.

Drop some beats, player.

I'm confused.

Is this real? I thought I was the king. I'm holding his seal. Kneel to the king.

I'll see you grovel in the grime. I'll tax what I like. I'll even tax this

If Barry's so groveling, find it get real.

Listen to me, dog, or you're going to feel some steel. It's charted tight.

We don't need to fight. Just hit it with your seal and give us our rights. I'm

serious, boys. I ain't finished.

We want a council to represent rich people. We want a free church with a

steeple. We want you to stop stealing our sun and hoarding them hostage like

have done. There's vital stuff here that you've got to give us. There's also

some stuff about fishing in the river. So stop.

Read what we plead. Acquire the deed in running need.

Do what we ask or we're going to make you bleed.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. If I don't tread yet, people my life will be

playing soon. Tell me what to do.

You're the boss.

They will have to do this later because we're taking up the cross.

Interesting development.

I wonder... Oh,

shut up.

Hang on a minute. You must think we're barmy. While you're talking here, you're

hiring up an army. So how about this?

Let's barter. We'll stay loyal if you agree to Magna Carta.

Whatever, dog, I'll agree, you skanky scroll. I'm tired of this game and it's

time for me to roll. I ain't bothered. It don't feel me with Burrow. No one

even remember this tomorrow. Plus, I'm busy with the Pope and he'll ignore this

thing. I do things my way because I'm John and I'm the king. Oh!

Oh!

Man, this king is fast.

Harsh.

So. King John had a right royal grumble, but agreed Magna Carta, which meant for

the first time in history, the king had to follow the law like everyone else. He

couldn't just steal your castle and take your cash like he could before.

If it wasn't for Magna Carta, the queen today would be able to kick you out of

your bedroom, nick your pocket money and eat your sweets, just because she felt

like it. Not that she would, of course.

She's a lovely lady.

But did Magna Carta finally make King John behave himself?

Nah, he just went straight back to being just as annoying as before.

Eh, still King John.

Just about.

Having a bit of a tough time with the Baron. They're trying to replace me with

French prince called Louis.

But I'm clinging on. Anyway, they're all obsessed with boring Magna Carta.

Which is a Latin name.

But do you know what it means in English?

Is it... A.

Hot Charter. B.

Great Charter. C.

Generous Charter.

The answer is B. They call it the Great Charter. Nothing great about it.

Because it's a list of things that I'm not allowed to do. Well, stuff that for

game soldier. But I've got actual soldiers. This war... is back on, and no

Frenchman is going to steal my throat.

Feeling tip -top, to be honest.

I'm sure that won't stop me.

Oh, dear.

Can't wait!

King John might have ignored Magna Carta, but luckily for us, from 1215 to

people throughout history have realised how important it was.

Who'd have thought so much could be achieved by one small piece of paper?

Here's the story of a very old decree Forced on King John as he made up with

revenue of us barons And the aristocracy.

He took our land and for a laugh held us on hostage too.

Magna Carta. Magna Carta. Told King John he's gotta be.

He's gotta be subject to Laura Gretax with us too.

Gave his seal.

Gave my seal.

Then withdrew his guarantee.

Left to Henry III and Edward I to pass it through. And I would say 800 years

of a day worth 800 cheers.

Since 1215, Magna Carta's been the foundation of our democracy.

By 1500, it reads that all men are free.

Even penance, just like me, can tell kings that it's true. For years it

vanished.

Until Edward Cook MP.

That's me.

Challenged Charles I.

That's his own power to prove.

You'd think that Cromwell. Golly, Ollie. Would agree, but instead he said. Magna

Carta. Magna Carta, more like. Not to me. I'm Thomas Jephthah.

And Edward Cook is the B's knees.

Our American Constitution incorporated his decrees.

And I believe 800 years has grew from ancient pioneers.

That's British invention.

This letter to...

years old.

That's nearly as old as my gran.

King John continued to fight his barons until he died in 1216, just one year

after Magna Carta.

The barons forgot about Prince Louis and John's son, Henry, became King Henry

III. Poor Johnny Boy is now remembered for being a rubbish king and for a

document he completely ignored.

I wonder what he would make of all that.

Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews.

Chatty Death, Chatty Death, the dead, unfamous twos.

Yeah, they wouldn't even pay for a new tune.

Yeah, time tune, doesn't work.

What? Oh, yeah.

Hello, and welcome back to Chatty Death, where it's time for our special guest.

Please go absolutely bonkers for the former King of England, King John!

going bonkers, is it?

So, Johnny Bobbs, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Bobbs, a King of

England, eh? How did you die in battle an assassin's blade?

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Bad tummy. I had dysentery from eating too many peaches.

Oh, sorry. Yes, that's me. Sorry. Well, we got to the bottom of it, all right.

Now, there is one thing people like about you. You gave us Magna Carta.

Magnum what, what? You know, big bit of paper. You signed it to limit your

powers and give rights to the barons.

People still remember that?

Well, yeah, it sort of became the foundation of democracy.

No, that was nothing. I just signed it to keep the barons quiet for a few

I've kept more important pieces of paper next to my toilet.

Yeah, well, this toilet paper is the basis of the Constitution of America.

Sorry, what's in America?

You know, cowboys, skyscrapers, hot dogs.

Al Pacino!

Hoo -ha!

Al Pacino! What do you got?

What? No? A tick too long to explain.

I can't believe I was so unpopular.

But please tell me my brother Richard is hated even more.

Richard the Lionheart?

Yeah. Civilist hero of the Crusades? I don't believe it. He hardly spent a day

in the country and bankrupted us with his taxes. Why am I the villain? Well,

let's put it this way.

That was getting awk.

Oh, you liked my Al Pacino, did you? Yeah, I do others.

The Force, Luke.

Chatty death, chatty death. Hope next time it's not you.

Hi,

I'm King John, and I'm a... I'm a night tyrant.

It's very hard to say that.

Make a shrewd tactical decision involving the pincer movement.

The past is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoyed Horrible History.