Original subtitles

Hey,

you guys want to play football?

What do you think we're doing?

No, the outside kind.

You know, where we're the characters.

You're just getting helmet hair?

Waffle ball? No. No.

Oh, you guys suck.

Hey, want to play feel that?

Here, here, here.

Let me show you what you're doing wrong.

Now, the key is you always want to follow through.

Hey, hey, hey!

How many times do I have to tell you morons? No playing feel -ad in the

Take it outside.

Helmet, I hate what's become of the game.

Hey, Jack, can you play the song If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your

Hands?

Not on my guitar.

All right, well, how about High Hopes? But you probably noticed the Rubber Tree

Plant song.

Let me see that.

Songs to make you half -half -happy.

Like songs to keep you a ver -ver -virgin.

For the Smile Time Singers at school, I joined this morning.

Aren't those the jerks that go around trying to cheer people up?

Yes, but one of those jerks is Angela.

I joined so that I could be around her more. I figure every time the Smile Time

singers meet, it'll be like a date.

You know what else is like a date?

A date.

You boys just dig my idea.

But first... One of you.

is in a lot of trouble.

And pain, hot cheese.

I found these cigarettes today, and nobody's eating until I find out who

belong to.

Nobody?

That's okay.

I'll just eat pizza while I wait.

That's good.

I guess it's not fair to punish everybody.

Come on, rock star.

Those cigarettes are yours, aren't they? Admit it. No, I quit years ago right

after the garage burned down.

Completely unrelated.

Lee.

Anyone else care to be a man and confess?

Well, I can see I've raised boys who won't rat each other out.

I respect that.

Five bucks for the first one gives me a name.

It was me.

You sold yourself out for five bucks.

Hey, I've ratted you out for way less.

I'm really disappointed in you, Kyle.

Kids, huh?

Let's eat.

I don't know what's worse,

the fact that you're smoking, or that you're smoking ultra -limb.

What? They're made for women.

Yeah, well, if they made cigarettes for kids, I'd smoke those.

Dad, aren't you being a little hypocritical? I mean, you smoke.

And let's not forget the drinky drinky.

Not that I need to explain myself, but yes, I smoke cigars, which unlike

cigarettes, you don't inhale.

And as for the drinky drinky, shut up.

I happen to be a strong believer in what's known as the double standard.

And what that means is... No more smoking cigarettes, ever. No matter what

You got it?

Yeah. Give me my five bucks back.

Hold on. Here's the five bucks I owe you.

Sweet.

Hey!

Well, there's a lot you don't know about me.

Like what?

Like I can sing.

But what I really like to do is make people happy. And what better place for

that than the Smile Time Singers? I mean, they say smiles are the best

right? That's laughter, stupid.

Brenda? We needed a bass.

Okay, singers, places, people.

Now, before we get underway with rehearsal, I'd like you all to say hi to

newest Mile Time singer, Sam Savage.

Hi, everybody. Hello. Hello.

Welcome to our club.

Smile, smile.

And here is your official Smile Time concert

uniform.

Sure is one happy sweatshirt. And it's reversible for funerals.

We sing at funerals?

Goodbye!

real injury?

That's just code for drug problem.

Hello, boys.

Those better be comically large firecrackers in your mouth.

Oh, we thought about what you said. You were right. Yep.

Cigars are definitely better than cigarettes.

You guys think you're pretty cute, huh?

Wipe that stupid smile off your face.

It's homework.

So, you really want to smoke?

Let's smoke.

are you groaning?

Your cigar isn't even lit.

I ate all that leftover pizza.

I guess that's more for you and me, eh, Dad?

Okay, Kyle, that's it.

You're just too stupid to realize you should be sick by now.

Your smoking days are over, you hear me?

Okay. I'm not kidding, Kyle. Promise me you won't smoke anymore.

Okay, I promise I won't smoke.

You're lying, aren't you? Yeah.

Okay, how about we make a deal?

If I stop smoking, will you?

Okay.

You're lying again?

No. I mean it, I swear.

Okay.

We're quitting.

Yeah, right.

What?

Why would you two trust each other? I mean, Nick, you've been smoking for 30

years, and Kyle, you're a big, fat liar.

Where are you going with this, Jimmy?

Look, I'm just saying that there's got to be consequences if one of you smokes.

How about cancer?

That's good, but it takes too long.

I need something immediate.

What about this?

If either of you smoke, you have to run through town naked.

No problem. And sober.

Fine.

Goodbye,

old friend.

Drinky drinky.

Smoke that sausage.

No.

This is really tough for you, isn't it, Dad?

Yeah.

How you doing?

Fine so far.

Wait until the withdrawal symptoms kick in.

Shakes, sweats, insomnia, hallucinations.

You see little tiny spiders crawling all over you.

Jeez. Then why are we quitting?

Because you were stupid enough to get caught. Now I have to be a good father.

Oh, yeah.

Lashing out at loved ones, that's another symptom.

Here, I got some stuff.

Takes the cravings to get really bad.

Got gum, caffeine, rubber bands.

Rubber bands?

Yeah. You put one on your wrist, and when you want to smoke, you snap it.

you start to associate smoking with pain.

A pain bracelet.

Cool.

The point is, Kyle, this is going to be tough. We have to be strong. Savage

strong. We're warriors.

Has anyone seen my ukulele?

Hands on hip.

Hip, Mr. Savage.

He also wasn't smiling.

Sam, do you really expect the world to smile if we don't?

No? Then do it.

clock in the morning. Yeah, and you're arguing with the dog and losing.

Dad, you haven't slept in three days.

Yeah, why don't you get yourself a nice warm glass of milk and use it to wash

down a bunch of sleeping pills.

Why don't you think I'd sleep if I could? I'm going through hell here.

Kyle understands. He's going through it too.

Actually, I feel fine.

You don't have to act tough in front of your brothers.

Hey, I know.

Let's go make a gingerbread house.

Dad's gone nuts.

It's the withdrawal.

And now that he quit smoking, he's only going to live longer.

Smile.

a bunch of refugees hanging off a helicopter.

I love it.

And you, Angela, you look like a T -Rex.

Thank you.

No, I hate it.

I'm sorry.

I kind of like what Angela did.

Really? Yeah, I thought that this was a little fabulous.

Ring, ring. Oh, this calls for you.

Hello? You blew it!

You're out of the group!

Wait, that's not fair.

Oh, you're out too. Class?

Get up! Get up!

You are dead too!

Man,

this fire was brutal.

Ain't so much smoke.

Sure smelled good, though.

So how much longer are you going to be crazy?

I'm not crazy.

You tried to knock a kitten out of a tree with a rock.

It's down, isn't it?

Look at him.

I haven't seen him show one sign of withdrawal.

Maybe he had them while you were fighting the spider people.

He's still smoking.

Hey, you don't know that.

I give up the one thing I love.

Besides my children.

And he sneaks behind my back and blows smoke in my face.

Want me to get a rock?

No.

A cigarette.

Thank God these kids never take out the trash.

Hey, hey, come on, Nick. You're almost over the hump. Don't smoke that.

I'm not gonna.

He is.

If I can just catch him taking one puff, then this stupid deal is off.

Boy, I know I should be stopping you, and yet I'm intrigued.

Come on.

Deal's off.

What?

Dad, we saw you put that in his mouth. So? He's been smoking the whole time.

Admit it. No, I haven't. I really did quit.

Are you lying?

No.

I didn't want to let you down.

So you really quit because of me?

Yeah.

Well, you and Tony Hawk.

Tony Hawk.

Yeah. I saw him on TV and he said smoking was totally 360 degrees uncool.

He's right.

And with that... I think I'll reinstate the old

double standard.

Hey, hey, you made a deal. Yeah, but... Besides that, think about everything

you've gone through. The shake, the sweat, the gingerbread house.

Smoking that cigar really worth it.

I'm sorry my T -Rex arms got you kicked out of the group.

It's not your fault. I should never have taken that phone call.

Besides, anything's my all -time favorite when I already have the best.

Not my smile. I meant your smile.

It's the best one.

Yours. I know what you meant.

Tell you the truth, I never wanted to join the Smile Time Singers. I hated the

songs and I hated the uniforms.

I kind of liked them.

At first I hated them, but then I quickly grew to love them.

Come on, Sam. Why'd you really join the group?

Well...

I only joined the group because I wanted to be able to stand next to you for an

hour out of every day without making you suspicious.

I don't know what to say.

How about, that's not so creepy, Sam.

Well, it's sweetly creepy.

Yeah?

I saw her.

Sorry, I think this contact lens is yours.

It's okay. It's disposable.

Well, good night.

Smile in my pocket.

Maybe next time, Sam.

Hi, I'm pro -skateboarder Tony Hawk. You know, we had a lot of fun with the

subject of smoking tonight.

But remember, smoking is totally 360 degrees in your face to the max.

Uncool.

So, the next time you have the urge to spend allowance money on cigarettes, buy

one of my fine signature products instead.

Hey.