Original subtitles

I'm looking!

Junk, junk, credit card bill, letter from grandma.

Just find the progress reports, I gotta know where I'm failing before dad gets

home. Yeah, I need time to practice my lies so I can look him in the eye.

Mrs. Cranston made me mail my own progress report. Look for an envelope

drawing of a wolf ripping apart Mrs. Cranston.

Here they are.

Oh, my God.

Maybe if you guys had studied this quarter, you wouldn't be in this sad,

predicament.

Here's one for you.

What?

This has got to be a mistake. A mistake? Or a sad, sad predicament.

What is it?

Nothing. Let us see.

Hey!

Get back!

Get out!

Okay, fine.

Let him have his privacy. We've got bigger things to deal with. Get him!

And the winner is... P .E.? Why do you

fail P .E.? Even the kid with hooks for hands passes P .E.

Says here his problem is the R .O .P .E. He can't climb a rope?

Even that kid with hooks for hands can climb a rope.

And if I had hooks for hands, I could climb it too, but I'm not that lucky.

So let's see how you geniuses did. T .J., Jack.

Kyle. Chris.

Chris. Chris.

Chris. Chris.

I heard you the first time.

You're failing five classes.

You know how many classes you're failing? What an idiot.

Steph! You know what to do. I'll get the beer.

Hurry up. He's almost here.

Hey, Dad.

Get off me!

Ah, progress report day.

Three beers?

TJ, get me another beer.

Will I go by age or stupidity?

I guess it's only fair that we go shortest to tallest.

What will it be for TJ?

Ah, your old friend, science and failure together again.

Not for long.

Teacher said I can bring up my grade by doing an extra credit project.

Really?

Look me in the eye and tell me all about it.

With pleasure.

It's called Quantum Mechanics, the study of subatomic particles in the dual

nature of light.

Impressive.

You didn't blink once.

I used eye drops.

Kyle, what a lovely drawing of a vicious animal killing Mrs. Cranston.

And ironically, your failing art.

He also wants to put you in an anger management class.

What?

I'm gonna kill that old hag.

Or you could try harder in school.

Sorry.

Moving on.

Jack. Okay, I'm failing algebra.

But come on, when am I ever gonna use algebra in real life?

That's true.

Who's next?

Chris. Yeah.

Chris. Yeah.

Chris. Okay.

Chris. I know.

Chris.

This could take a while, so I'll be in the kitchen washing that world's

dad mug I made you.

You're failing five classes. I can't ignore this.

Sure you can.

Ignoring stuff is easy.

Watch.

You gotta start taking school seriously.

Sam's failing P .E.? Hey, Dad's not done with you yet.

P .E.? Oh, crap.

How do you fail P .E.? Is it the, uh, shower thing

again?

You can't climb the rope.

You can't climb the rope?

So? I'm sure there's things you can't do. Yeah, I can't believe my son can't

climb the rope.

Why are you singling me out? I'm not. I'm mad at all of you. Because if you

up in summer school, we can't take our trip to the lake.

And I need at least four of you to get the boat in the water.

Coach McCarthy!

Chris Cross!

Jack Hammer!

Killer Kyle!

TNTKO!

And... Tacky Pants.

Well, we got a big problem.

Guess who's going to get kicked off the football team because he's failing five

classes.

Who?

He's even looking right at him.

Chris, you got to start taking school more seriously.

You're right, coach.

I just said that.

The coach is talking.

Hey, Sam's smart. Why doesn't he tutor Chris and you pass Sam in PE?

DJ, the coach can't just make deals.

The kid's talking.

Go on.

That was the whole plan.

Sam, Judas, Chris, you pass Sam.

Oh.

So what do you say, khaki pants?

It seems kind of shady.

Hey, how about tossing in no showers?

Dad.

Well, as long as it's on the table.

for helping me stay on the team, Sam.

Hey, whatever keeps me off of that rope.

All right, what subject do you want to start with?

I have a history quiz coming up.

Okay, perfect. What chapter is it on?

I'm not sure.

Gee, I hope that's not on the quiz.

When you're in class and the other kids open their books, where do they stop?

Flip through the pages. I'll know by the pictures.

Indian wearing a dish towel like a dude in a black dress.

Okay, that's a loincloth, and that's Father Jose. It was his goal to save the

souls of the Indians.

You'd think his goal would be to get them some pants.

We're studying here.

Oh, Angela, hi.

Hi, Sam.

My parents are gone for the afternoon, so I was wondering if you want to come

over. Okay.

No, I can't. I promised I'd help tutor Chris today. Oh.

That's too bad. I thought we could make brownies, play ping pong, go in the hot

tub. Okay.

Hey!

No, I can't. I wish I could, but... I mean, look at him. He really needs my

help.

Well, that's really sweet of you, Sam. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a freaking saint.

Maybe some other time?

Okay.

Wow, thanks a lot, Sam.

I know how much you like her.

I wish I knew better grades.

You can, Chris.

If you just applied yourself, you could do better in school, get into a good

college. Who knows? You could even be a lawyer or a doctor.

Like a sports lawyer or a sports doctor?

Sure, but you know, you don't have to limit yourself to just sports.

I mean, you could be president.

No one as dumb as me could ever be president.

Chris, you're not dumb.

You really mean that? You bet I do.

Let's get back to work. Where were we?

Father Jose and the Indians.

Ah, yeah.

Okay. Father Jose tried to help the Indians by building several... casinos.

Sorry.

What are casinos?

Demdar Hills was the cry throughout the land. In 1849, people from far and wide

flocked to California to mine for gold.

The gold rush happened in Demdar Hills.

You gave the answer away in your question.

After Brutus stabs Beezle, what three famous words does he utter?

Stop stabbing me.

How much is that burrito?

Cuanto es ese burrito?

Squanto es. No, not squanto. Cuanto es.

Are you sure?

I have the book right in front of me. Just order a burrito in Spanish.

I had a burrito for lunch. What else they got?

It's... It doesn't matter. Just order something in Spanish.

I'll just have whatever you're having.

Do you see me ordering here? Are we in a restaurant?

God, you're not even trying, Chris.

I could be across the street right now with Angela in a hot tub.

But I'm not because I'm here helping you.

Gracias.

It's too late, Chris. You're hopeless.

Yeah? Well, let's hear you say that from the top of a rope.

That's it.

I'm going to give you till three to take your arm off of me. You can't count to

three.

Say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're an idiot?

Professor Von Turd is calling me names.

Can't take it, Dad. I'm at the end of my rope. And yes, I'm aware of the irony

of that remark.

Calm down, boys. It's just your first day. And my last.

Chris, find yourself another tutor. I quit.

Good. Who needs you? My muscles spit on your brain.

I'm done wasting my time on you. You're nothing but a typical dumb high school

jock, and that's all you'll ever be.

You said I could be president.

I was trying to build your self -esteem, you stupid moron.

I expect that from the rest of these guys.

But you're supposed to be the nice one.

Yeah? Well, say goodbye to Mr. Nice Guy and hello to Mr. Tell -It -Like -It -Is

Guy. You're a menace. You're a liar. You over -jell your hair. You can't catch a

frisbee.

I got no beef with you.

It's not gel, it's pomade.

How's it going?

What do I need ropes for anyway?

Ladders are way more efficient.

Ladders are the thinking man's rope.

You know, there's a trick to climbing ropes.

Really?

You have to grip and pull.

Grip and pull.

That's what I've been doing.

Yeah, but you're not going up.

Face it, Dad, I'm not a jock.

Each year I show up to gym hoping this is the year the savage coordination

in and then my lack of skill is hammered in with each dodgeball to the head.

You know, there's a trick to dodgeball.

Then get it.

You don't understand what it's like to be me in a family of you.

It's humiliating to always be the last person picked on a team.

Or to watch as the entire infield moves in when you come up to bat.

Or to have your peewee hockey coach deliberately give you wrong directions

the game. Do you remember when you did that, Dad?

I was afraid you'd get hurt. I said I was sorry.

I can't climb this.

You're right, Sam.

Give up.

Take the F.

Join the family.

Dad, you're just trying to get me to climb this rope.

No, I'm trying to get you to honor the shady deal you made with Coach McCarthy.

Get back in there and patch it up with your brother.

Never!

I will show him!

I'll show you all!

I will climb!

Look, I'd really like to patch things up.

Hey, no hard feelings.

You're not mad at me?

Nah, you made some good points, and I'll try to use them to better myself.

Wow, that's a really positive attitude.

So, you want to get back to studying?

Well, I appreciate the offer, but you told me to find another tutor, so I did.

Angela, now it's your turn.

Laura. But I'm on a playground.

Every one of those kids is worth 100 points.

Get the fat kid with the juice box.

Hey, why didn't anybody tell me that Angela was up in Chris's bedroom?

Oh, we thought it'd be funnier if you found out for yourself.

And it was.

What's going on? Why is Angela here?

Where's her shirt?

Excuse me.

Angela needs something cold to drink. Do you know why?

Because she's so hot.

You know, bro, I gotta tell you. You know, every now and then, I think about

meeting a nice girl and starting a family of my own.

Then I come over here.

Gotta get back to school. Know why?

Because the teacher is so hot.

Stop saying that!

Why does it make you so hot?

reproductive system.

Actually, we were talking about the Louisiana purchase.

why I put the towel under the door.

That's right.

I'm coming for you.

Sam!

Oh, Angela.

What's going on?

I have to warn you, Chris is just using you to get back at me for calling him

stupid. No, I'm not, Angela.

I need help with my learning.

Both need help.

Angela! Angela, wait.

Wait a minute, Sam.

You're climbing the rope.

Huh?

Oh, my God, get me down. No, don't stop now. You're so close. Just focus on my

face and how much you want to punch it.

I do want to punch it.

That's right. Keep climbing, tacky pants.

Hey, look at Sam.

Yeah, he's doing it.

Yeah.

Lester walks in him.

Come on, Sam.

I don't think I can make it. Come on. One more. Just one more.

Grip and pull, son.

Grip and pull.

I did it.

Way to go, Sam.

Hey, I'm sorry I made fun of your brain.

I'm sorry I called you a loser.

You said I was stupid.

But you're not a loser.

the ladder.

Oh, sorry.

So, Sam, how's the coccyx?

It's feeling much better.

It should. You spent the last three days soaking in Angela's hot tub.

Falling two stories was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Guess who's back on the football team?

Did you pass the test?

No.

I changed the name on the back of my jersey.

Rodriguez?

Did you come up with that idea all by yourself?

Yeah.

It's pretty clever. I wouldn't have thought of that.

Really? You're not just trying to... boost my self -esteem again, are you?

No, I really mean it.

So, you still think I could be president?

President of Mexico.

Yeah, well, forget it, amigo. You're not playing on that team unless you earn

it.

What?

How are you speaking Spanish?

Coach said I had to learn it if I want to pull off this Rodriguez scam.

Come on, I think we all know that a sports scholarship is my only shot at

college. All right, you can play.

I'll use your college fund to buy a bigger boat.

Meatballs?

Pull!

Shut up and eat your linguine.