Original subtitles

Huh?

My good sirs, thank you for joining me here. This is our apartment. Well, thank

you for inviting me. You have to come over.

Do either of you know what this is?

Paper. Yeah, paper. Paper from the DMV.

No. And I'm supposed to fill it out and get a new ID card. But it's super long

and I don't want to. Let's throw it in the trash.

Tanya, there's only three lines to fill out. Easy peasy.

Kevin, there is nothing peasy about this.

You want to know what's really at stake?

Life? This.

Wow. My old ID.

Ooh, Taya, you look cool as hell there. How are you wearing sunglasses?

Isn't that illegal?

It's not about how cool I look or what laws I broke.

Check out the address.

One, two, three, street, street.

That's your old street.

Old street, street. We had good times at that place.

And when I look at this ID, I remember those times.

It's like a little time machine in my pocket.

Now, Tanya, that's a beautiful concept, but this ID's been expired for weeks.

Is that why you keep asking me to buy you beer?

I'm getting a new ID. I am. But I want to procrastinate for as long as possible

because I hate it. And that's why I'm here.

I need distractions.

Well, if you're going to procrastinate, let's at least do something fun.

No. True procrastination requires the appearance of work. Cleaning a room,

organizing a desk.

I got it. Come on. Meeting adjourned.

Can he adjourn your meeting? We're going off book on this one.

This is how institutions are rowed.

I didn't know you guys had a backyard.

Yeah, our landlord said it's dangerous, but I say with a little work, this could

be our own secret paradise.

Huh. I can totally see it. We clear out the bushes.

We put up some lights. Pretty soon, we've got a place to make new memories,

right? And this would easily take up my whole weekend. It'll be like my DMV

paperwork doesn't even exist.

Let's get started.

OK, I guess I'll help, too, but only because I love making memory.

I call it new nostalgia.

Huh.

Lot bigger on the inside.

All right, let's go that way.

Why don't we just start here?

I've already got a pile going.

Doesn't feel like the right place.

Tanya, are you procrastinating your procrastination now? Because that's

bad. Maybe even three times.

Heck, maybe even four.

Ugh. Kevin, we get it. You're good at math. But let's follow Tanya. This was

idea. No, this was your idea.

Wait, you never sent that email, did you?

What? What email? Well, Ernesto was supposed to email his college fan Pietro

that he can't make it to his wedding. But Ernesto's been putting it off for

weeks. Almost like... Some kind of procrastination?

Wait, why don't you want to go to Pietro's wedding? I thought he played

keyboard. He's sick of keyboards, but I don't know any of his friends now, and

I'd have to go alone. What if they don't like me? What if they like me too much

and it gets weird?

It's just a lot of pressure. But saying no, that's also pressure. It is a high

-pressure situation, like my ID card in many ways.

Yeah, and what if wandering around this improbable forest isn't the answer? Are

we making things worse for ourselves?

Kev, you've sort of been the voice of reason today.

Kev? Kev!

What? That's like a million flowers!

And they're all different, beautiful colors!

We should live here! Hey, Kev, come on!

Come

on,

boy.

Yeah, I'm telling you, this is how people in olden days used to get off.

sorry, what olden days?

What am I, a fucking historian?

Hey, isn't that your... A 1980 Plymouth Reliant caused massive delays when its

driver, quote, had to teach a bee a lesson. So the bee got in my car, and I

started driving real slow to let it know I'm not just handing out free rides

over here.

Ask gas or grass.

Nobody rides for free.

Now, obviously, this bee has no gas or grass, but then I got to thinking,

My uncle's in town.

What's supposed to be like this? I thought he was managing a tropical

restaurant in Myrtle Beach.

That's supposed to be time -consuming. That's a lot of happy thoughts to

I thought you loved your uncle.

Oh, sure. When I was a kid, he was great.

Fun, irresponsible, undiagnosed. He was the original swan boy. Well, what

changed? You know how when you try to make plans with me for more than 12

in the future, I black out? You black out a lot. If I can't handle looking

the barrel of 12 hours into my future, I sure as shit can't handle 30 years.

Relax. You'll probably be dead in 30 years. Don't try to comfort me. I've

got to do the responsible thing.

Make plans with him and then bail.

Ah, shit! I forgot to bail! Well, it's good to see you, swine boy. It's been

long. I know what you're probably thinking.

What's a cool guy like my Uncle Herman doing in a dump like this?

Well, I'll tell you the short version.

I'm in town for my 40th high school reunion.

Okay, it seems like not really any amount. Fine, twist my arm. I'll tell

medium version.

I had to leave Myrtle Beach because there's a hit out on me. Okay, well, it

doesn't concern you. Oh, you drive a hard bargain. The long version it is.

I'm turning my life around and starting fresh. It begins tonight by finding the

love of my life at my high school reunion.

That's why I need you to pose as my son so that nobody from my class will know

that I'm a virgin.

which I am a big one, and I need you to keep the secret of my virginity under

wrap. Ew, no way. Am I going to help you with your dick problem?

Ah, you're probably right.

Just a sad old man trying to impress friends I never had.

And for what? To fill the void a life of irresponsibility and recklessness has

left in me?

A sad end to a sad life.

Fine, I'll help you. Oh, you mean it?

Spawn boy, I could kiss you. Down.

Oh, what a relief.

I don't know how.

I'm a virgin, I tell you. Don't tell anyone.

I'm a virgin.

Now, remember, you're my son, Herman Jr., and you fell asleep under a tall

tree 20 years ago, and now you're older than me.

That way, I get to be the sexy one. Now, go mingle and don't blow this for me.

This is my big chance to turn my life around.

So as you can imagine, I've got the run.

Jane, where do the years go? You know, I've been having so much sex, they had

call in the doctor to give me a stern warning.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, who ordered the tropical hit men?

Shaka. Nice one. Aw, thank you. Wait, no, not nice.

Hey, I was about to score.

Herman, do you remember how they hit out on you? Ring the bell.

The hitman found you. Rats, I was hoping they wouldn't do that. You gotta get

out of here, man.

No, swan boy, I don't think I will.

I'm going on stage.

What? Why?

Because I'm tired of running.

Excuse me.

Look, it's Herman Dandolo.

That's right.

I'm Herman Dandolo.

And I am a virgin.

Oh, my God.

And I have ten gallons. of C4 strapped to my body.

That's right. I'm actually a thin man.

It's the explosive chemicals tricking your eyes.

Now, those two sharks over there, take one step closer, I'll shake my trim

frame, and we'll all be blown to kingdom come, just like Mount St.

Helens! Seniors 80!

Good. Now I can admit I didn't have any C4 on me. It was all a ruse.

Listen to it.

Well,

looks like I'm going away for a while.

Apparently, you're not supposed to do that.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't get murdered.

You're right.

Nothing solves a problem like creating a bigger problem, like global warming.

Just make it hotter.

You're right. I don't have to worry about getting old as long as I keep

like an idiot.

and Herman Dandelos are still at large and are considered the lowest possible

priority. If you have any information about their whereabouts, maybe try to

handle this one yourself.

For instance, if you see them on the road, try to crash into them.

I don't know. Get creative with it.

You're the master of your own mystery.

What the fuck?

Ernesto! Can you get through this?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Uh, who's that?

Uh, okay.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh.

Just stretching. What time is it?

It is 2 .30.

I slept for 300 years?

Impressive. My alarm didn't go off, I guess. No worries.

Time to get up. Who are you? I'm Tanya, and these are my bros, Ernesto and

Kevin. What up?

I am the guardian of the forest of the backyard, one of an ancient order of

mythical beings tasked with protecting places of natural power.

Woo! We're in a band.

Hey, did you know there's a bunch of creepy -ass vines all over the place?

Invasive species.

I gotta take care of that. And... also some kind of lost civilization?

Aw, they're lost?

Damn. They were doing fine the last time I checked. I should really take a look

at that. Do a little yard work.

We can help. We brought tools.

Wow. You brought tools.

And little hats.

You all look great. I have trimmers over there.

Hmm. But they're all rusty, so I probably need to oil those.

Ugh. That takes so long, though. You guys want a cup of tea first?

Yes, please. Wait, are we all procrastinating now?

Ernesto, my little honey, I am magically bound to my duties. I literally can't

not do them. I just don't feel like doing them at this current time. Now,

guessing you're an herbal tea guy.

I am. Then you're going to love this shit. My friend Shaharazad hooked me up.

He's an actual wizard.

And then the order left me here and they were like, take care of the forest.

Where do I even start?

That's bullshit.

Yeah, bullshit. And very stressful. But you know what? Hearing that you two are

also procrastinating weirdly makes me feel better about all this. We're like

little team that doesn't do anything.

Aww. And why start now, huh? You know, sometimes I even think the invasive

are a good thing. They're nature too, right? Even if they're blighted by

magic.

Yo,

dude. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Yeah.

300 years. Can you believe it? I know.

The dwellers of Orlath are all dead, apparently.

Hey, guys.

Were those vines there before?

No. And where's the flower tunnel?

Okay, we need to get to work now. No more procrastination. And I'm gonna drop

email to Pietro in my head while we work. Ugh.

Fine.

Whoa! My pruners!

Hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is going on?

Don't worry about your tools. That's just a little offering to the forest.

chill. Sit down. Yeah. No, we need to get to work. There's a bunch of vines

are just overgrowing. Just chill, okay?

Check this shit out.

Whoa, three new friends.

I'll get more tea going.

Hi. Welcome to Words with Ike.

Today's word is dawn.

Its definition?

The first light to appear in the sky after the sunrise.

But here's the thing about dawn.

There's another definition, too.

The beginning of a phenomenon, movement, or time period, especially one

considered favorable.

I'd like to think that's what we're trying to do here on Words with Ike.

Word by word, we usher in a new dawn.

And once all the people in all the nations of the earth

learn those words and realize we're on the same page when it comes to living

life. And on that page, it says one thing.

We want to just get along, and get along good, too.

I'm reminded of these words from the ancients, that it's always darkest

right before the dawn. Yeah, I'll give you that.

But here's another thing, too, about dawn.

Is that after dawn, things get pretty damn bright, and damn fast, too.

I've been Ike. You've been fantastic. And these have been

words.

Even though I know how to fix the air conditioner, it's still not fixed. I'm

pretty sure I need to do this.

Why are you doing that? It's cold out.

It's going to get hot eventually.

Oh, we can buy a store.

Or we can buy online.

Fast, cheap, easy, secure payment.

Come on, we can support the community.

Or we can support e -commerce in the tech industry.

Come on, it'd be so fun to go and meet people.

We already know each other. Why do we need to meet more people?

Because you don't show me off.

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you. I'm just trying to be productive and

proactive.

Please.

Pretty please.

Okay, fine, we can go.

But you're wrong.

that big old Rottweiler, 150 pounds up the tree.

I've never seen anything like it.

Howdy. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we were wondering if you happen to carry

the... at your local store.

It's broken.

Oh, one of those.

I should have one, but Kilgore hasn't delivered it yet.

Oh, Kilgore, is that the local delivery service?

No, it's just a guy.

So you don't have the part.

We're locals.

We just moved here.

Hey,

well,

how about I buy a ladder for a neighbor?

Okay.

Problem is, I sold my only ladder to Mrs. Pumpus last week.

But she passed on.

She died like crazy!

That's right.

She died like crazy and was buried with the ladder.

Oh, whoa, okay. The part will be delivered to our house.

Have fun not buying things in here. I hope I never see you guys again.

So...

We're going to dig up Mrs. Pompous?

Yeah, sure.

People, who needs them, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

All right, fellas, I like what we're doing here, but remind me, why do we

to bring an old bell to the lighthouse if we already have the key to the

laboratory? The lighthouse needs the bell to go ding -dong for all to hear.

Right, right, right. So, Tractor Man, you're going to ram the schoolyard gate

when you hear the bell go ding -dong? No, I'm not going to the schoolyard. I'm

going with Norton to the docks.

I thought Norton was stealing the mayor's fountain pen. I told you I'm not

to the docks with you. You always wanted to be told to the one, one, one. Take

the time to make you like me, Norton.

Accept me as I am. I have a rich inner life.

Eat shit, tractor man.

People, hey, we don't need to do this. Hey, you keep inviting me to ride on

tractor. What happens to brotherly love?

Hey, remember the unifying words of Mrs. Pompous.

Ow!

Ow! Stop it!

I agreed to dig up a body.

That's great.

Hey.

That stuff with your ID?

Don't even worry about it.

Really? If you never do it, then you never have to.

It's logic.

It is. the kind of logic oh it's fine to reply to an email seven weeks later it

actually makes you seem cooler you're right i have been feeling cooler flowers

are just little trees i knew it and trees they're just big flowers you're

answering so many questions for me ah you know i'm glad we all decided to keep

doing nothing am i right team we've got time we've got

Eternity.

Wait, eternity?

But my DMV paperwork is due on Monday.

No, we have time.

I've been sitting on that email for seven weeks.

That's almost two months. That's two twelfths of a year.

What's next if you reduce the fraction?

Pietro's gonna be upset. What if he writes a sad keyboard song? I can't do

to a friend.

Stop! Why are you stressing yourselves out like this? You're ruining... my

Battle formation!

Super glad we practiced this battle formation.

Run!

Everybody fucking run!

My leg!

Where do you think you're going?

Wait a second!

That went bad real fast.

But I still had a good time.

Yeah, that was cool.

Plus, Pietro's gonna love this story.

Wait, so you're going to the wedding?

I am. I think it was while we were leaping across the ravine on the giant

that I was like, life is short. This kind of zany shit is what memories are

of, right? Not ID cards.

Hell yeah.

Adventures forever.

Oh, I'll go back in that forest right now. Let's all go back in that forest.

Yeah!

Let's just listen to music instead.

Uh -huh. I love music. That's an adventure for our senses.

Let's go!