Original subtitles

What a beautiful day.

All right, let's party.

Dude, I'm mid -nap. And I'm quarter -nap. I barely got started.

Well, I thought this was supposed to be a fun day at the beach. No, it's

supposed to be a relaxing day at the beach.

Kevin's right.

The text said relaxing.

Kevin, can we change it? Nope, the text was sent. You should have paid

attention. Hello, friends.

What do you think about my private island, huh?

You didn't think a seagull would fall like this, huh?

Seagulls, that's just a rock.

And this is just cash. And champagne.

Wow. This bird parties. You see, I'm rich in money and beverages.

But you know what I'm most rich in?

Ulterior motives?

Opportunities, sir. And I'd like to tell you about them on a free tour of the

seagull. kingdom.

I've heard of the seagull kingdom. It's the hidden kingdom of the seagulls. And

now I invite you to visit this land of mystery with free champagne and

guaranteed good times.

Monsieur, allow me to consult with my associates.

Take your time.

We're doing this, right? Good time? Good time? Yeah, sounds fun. I don't know.

This guy seems sketchy. Make it rain, baby.

Man, what's sketchy about a stranger inviting us to a secret island? Oh,

of it? What if he tries to sell us a time ship? Come on, Kev, it's a free

We'll drink some champagne, check out a mysterious kingdom, then bounce.

So, are we doing this?

I guess.

Yes!

Adventures at sea!

Is there even gonna be food at this seagull kingdom? I mean, I bet they'll

party snacks, like hors d 'oeuvres and stuff.

What do seagulls eat anyway?

Only what's not theirs.

Sandwiches they didn't make. Hot dogs they didn't pay for.

Tanya, where did you get that cloak?

Cookies stolen from beachside picnics.

Nachos pilfered from unsuspecting children.

French fries, candy bars. These are words I love, but spoken with hate.

you're frightening Kevin.

Explain this sudden turn to darkness.

Flashback. I was eight years old.

Spent the whole summer selling lemons at my lemon stand.

Why not sell lemonade?

Why limit a lemon's potential?

Let the consumer decide.

Brilliant. I know, right? Business was good. I was young, successful, and ready

to take on the world. So I asked my dad to drive me to the boardwalk so we can

get a hot dog.

And then, out of nowhere, this one -eyed seagull swooped down and stole it.

Right out of my hands. All I'd worked for. Gone.

I swore then, I will take my vengeance upon that seagull.

If the one -eyed seagull still lives, someone in the seagull kingdom will

Okay. Little concern this whole thing was secretly about vengeance. Yeah, you

should have told him.

My friends.

Be careful, be careful. It can be a little treacherous. Like I said, there's

mystery everywhere.

Welcome, welcome.

All right, Tonya.

Tonya? And she's gone.

Allow me to introduce myself properly.

My name is Ricard, and to be honest, I've not been entirely forthcoming with

you. Here we go. Truth is, I didn't bring you here for a simple, super fun

I brought you here because I need your help. Me? You. You're the strongest

to ever set foot in this kingdom. A beast.

I believe you may be the hero.

Who is spoken of? The hero, huh? They speak of me here as well. That who

of? Many, many, all kinds of people. I mean... Many, huh?

See, Kevin? They talk about me. Dude, I called.

He's sucking you in. He's lying to you. If I was lying, would I open this

champagne? Maybe.

Seems unrelated.

Shrink up. Get down. Get funky.

Where we venture, it's a place of darkness.

Susan.

Come

on,

boy.

Rona, you're really getting paranoid.

Remember, mail can't hurt you.

Your student loans are illegally overdue.

Oh, man.

Which will it be? Pay my student loans or go to jail? It's a lose -lose. If

there was a third way.

Stuck between paying your loans and going to jail? Try the third way.

Well, here goes nothing.

Is this the home of Rona Valenti? Yeah, that's me.

Bagger boys.

Where am I?

Welcome to my private island.

What's going on?

Don't you know? When you gave click to that link, you legally consented to my

most dangerous game.

You'll be hunted along with these two.

What's that?

What are you guys doing here?

Control freak?

I'll show you who's a control freak.

Retake!

Want to be hunted for sport? Well, yeah, of course.

Let's go!

You see, I've grown bored of hunting non -sentient beasts. I long to hunt

prey that can...

Think. Worry.

Dream. I'll be releasing you onto my island and hunting you. If you survive

24 hours... We get to go again?

Hawaii will be granted freedom. And all of your debts will be cancelled.

If not, well... Well what? You trailed off. You idiot.

You'll be killed.

I thought it was clear.

I'm giving you five minutes head start.

Beginning now.

I'm sorry, is this a joke?

I assure you, this is no laughing matter.

Okay,

so I was thinking, what we do is we offer up Noel as a sacrifice.

What? This is insane. I refuse to dignify this lunatic with a response.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Rona, do you

mind? What the hell's the matter with you? This is basically the exact thing

I've been worrying about since I was four.

Get in the basement. We're being hunted for sport.

Well, I'm getting hot, so let me know how this works out.

Run, boy. I usually wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but if you're going

survive, you're going to have to start thinking like me.

How are you so good at this? Oh, my God. A lifetime of violent paranoia and

constant internal panic has left me with deer -like reflexes, a deer -like

metabolism, and a deer -like sixth sense for danger.

Wow, that rock.

I gotta try being miserable over it.

Aha! The poison darts. Fits with a neurotoxin of my own design.

A single drop will render the victim erratic and foolish.

How do you feel?

Normal. Swaboy, Rhoda, I found a way off the island. Over here.

Oh. It's a trap. By now, the hunter must have found him.

Knowing Noel, he tried to cut a deal. We should hide out.

In there.

Whatever you do, don't open your eyes.

No Fred Leno.

They're nearby.

I can smell them.

I know what to do.

What's that you said?

A boxcar racer reunion?

Bully!

Which will it be?

The cliff or the gun?

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Was it all a dream?

You did it! You had a supernova panic attack so severe you flew us all to

safety. Our student deaths are canceled. Oh, my God.

I'm free.

Is this what being happy is like?

And here's your medical bill. Could you be a doll and try to get out of here by

4 .15? We've got a lot of old people in this town.

Wait, I can't pay this. Oh, my God, no biggie. We have a payment plan option

here.

I think I got you on my system.

Wait till they see after you.

That's what you think.

You know I don't wear red.

You know how important this brunch is to my reputation.

You're trying to make me look foolish in a color you know doesn't compliment me.

You're jealous of my philanthropy and all my new friends.

theme is over my dead body.

That should be arranged.

Within this cave lies the ultimate treasure.

A treasure no seagull has been brave enough to retrieve.

But perhaps you, Onesto, you can be the one to retrieve it.

It's a pack of chips.

Not just chips.

They're Splendiferous chips.

Yes, Splendiferous chips, sour cream, and barbecue.

If y 'all be dipping, y 'all be chipping.

Splendiferous!

You know of them? Yeah.

The ads are everywhere.

I went on the factory tour.

For generations, these chips have sat untouched.

Claim them for us. Be our hero. We will throw a great party for you.

I accept my destiny and my party.

I doubt they have a party plan. Sometimes it's about the journey, not

I'm having a great time, and the party could still happen. I just wish you

listen to me. I've got good intuition. I mean, so do I.

Whoa.

Well, that was foreboding. It's probably fine. Go, go, go, go.

Ah, super easy. Yeah, now open them. Wait, isn't this your people's treasure

something? Open them.

Open the bag.

You see that line where it says, tear here, tear there?

Wait, is this all you needed me for? To open chips?

That's not fun.

You dare

steal the splendiferous chips, the most sacred artifact in seagull

culture? Wait, wait, wait.

Ricard said it was cool. Right, Ricard?

Ricard?

There's no Susan here.

You stole my hot dog. How do you know it was me?

You had one eye.

Oh, well, then clearly you have the wrong person.

Enough words, Susan!

Oh, God. All right, all right.

Take your revenge, then.

Whoa, what the heck happened to you?

Oh, I walked your path once.

Flashback. I was a young bird when I lost my eye. Some kid with a rock. I was

angry. I swore the people of the boardwalk would pay, so I did what I

I stole their lunches.

Their corndogs, their nachos.

All of it.

I had my revenge. Then more. Then everyone on the boardwalk swore revenge

against me.

It was a revenge off an eye without numbers. I barely made it back here

So go ahead.

Take your revenge. But you know what? You're going to lose part of yourself.

can't get back, honey.

Whatever. You still owe me a hot dog.

Ew. Different dog.

Yeah, that's totally fair.

Oh, shit.

That's an execution.

Someone must have stolen the Splendiferous chips.

Wait, what?

Oh, shit. Those are my friends.

Susan, will you help me stop this? Of course. But you know if I do, I won't

you a hot dog anymore.

Fine.

Oh, my God!

A one!

A one!

We're rich! We're rich!

We're rich!

I love money!

Wait, wait, wait. Shut up.

Everybody loves money.

They're going to come after us and steal it.

We've got to go into hiding. You're right.

Okay, okay, okay.

We'll pack a bag with all the cash. I have a guy who can take us from here to

the river. We'll float for days on the bag of money down to the south shore.

We'll blend in with the locals and barter for food.

We'll go undercover as cam girl.

Oh, that's genius.

Then we'll wait till winter when they're all sleeping.

I will pay an artist to dynamite our faces into a mountain like Mount

Pickles and Carl, huge.

We'll live in our mouths.

And we'll wear disguises so no one knows it's us. We'll be happy forever.

Meet back right here tomorrow in disguise.

Let no one know it's you. The code word is banana.

Don't forget it.

Banana, yes.

Never forget it.

Good morrow, fair traveler.

To whom do I speak?

Oh, just a simple tramp making his way through the world.

Banana. No, thank you. I'm allergic.

Seen anyone who won a lot of money around here?

A tramp.

His whole band knows about the money.

He probably killed Pickles.

What's that in your hand, traveler?

and he told me to meet Carl here.

Welcome to the next installment of Words with Ike.

Oh, you'll have to forgive my appearance.

I've been digging deep into the archives and have discovered one of the oldest

words known to man.

That word is ye.

Its definition?

An archaic version of the word you.

Now we know the... version of the word you is ye, and the present version of

the word you is you, but what, pray tell, is the future

of you?

Hmm.

The future of you.

The future of you.

Will you stay the same?

Or will you evolve?

What will you become?

What might you be?

The possibilities are infinite.

And it's all up to you.

For the crime of stealing the splendiferous chips, you are sentenced

I told you. I told you all. I knew. I knew this would happen. And now I got a

permanent record?

No, no, no. You got the wrong guy. It was Ricard. He said there would be a

party. He guaranteed a good time. Silence!

There's no Ricard in this seagull kingdom.

Sorry, my mouth was full.

Silence!

No way.

What is the bloody meaning of this?

That's no judge.

That's retarded. He must have stolen the Splendiferous chips. He just tricked

these naive forest creatures doing his dirty work.

Hold on. Wait. Wait one damn minute. Stop.

You can take revenge on this eagle.

Maybe it'll feel real good because he stole your chips.

And trust me, I know how serious that can be. But you will lose a part of

yourself that you can't get back.

My friend Susan taught me that. And I think she has a lot to teach all of you.

Yes, I finished the Splendiferous chips. But punishing me won't bring them back.

Plus, the bag was mostly air.

There is another bag.

Splendiferous chips cheddar ranch. I stole them from the boardwalk years ago

hid them away. I will gladly offer them in place of our lost treasure.

Hell yes!

You see, revenge isn't the only answer. I'll kill you!

Dude, come on. I just did a whole speech about not taking revenge and what I

learned from Susan, who I'm cool with now. It seems Ernesto doesn't listen to

anybody.

Sorry, Tanya.

Sorry, Susan.

And? And sorry, Kevin, I guess.

Oh, we're cool. That's all I wanted. I understand your anger, Bear.

Ricard is a known asshole. Enjoy watching the top of your head for the

your life.

Thank you all for revealing this charlatan's crimes.

You've done us a splendiferous service.

Yes!

I love doing splendiferous services.

I think I went to work for the last time today.

I could try my luck at school, but I'm sad to say that I've been living for

I'm going to find my way. You say I'm a fool if I'm a basket case. I was a punk

at school, all you kids in the class.

I'm scared for my future because I won't pass.