Original subtitles

Cock -a -doodle -doo.

Yo, I can't play right now. I'm working on my beat.

You're making new beats?

I want to hear.

Hell yeah. I'm almost done with my new EP. It goes up on my SoundCloud

Check this shit out.

Ooh, you better send me that link.

Whoa, my beat.

That bird stole my beat.

Not your sick beat.

Kevin, slingshot.

Did not think that through.

This is exactly how my iPad got broken.

All my beats.

Gone.

Like smoke in the wind.

Tanya, no.

Don't use sad imagery.

It's not like I thought my music would get famous or anything.

I just didn't think it would get destroyed by a falcon, you know?

You can't prepare for these things.

Tanya, I am so sorry.

I never should have tried to kill that falcon.

Wait.

You were trying to kill it? Oh, was that not the objective?

I mean, either way I feel bad, but not for that fountain. No, it's not your

fault, Kevin.

I could probably remake those beats anyway, right? I just have to file a

with my renter's insurance, get a new laptop, re -record all the instruments

vocals, then arrange and mix everything all over again.

That'll take a few months tops, right? I got this.

Well, um, what if you had help from other musicians?

Like who?

Well, I was in a band in high school.

And Kevin can snap really well.

We could be your band.

My band. All right. This is either a really good idea or it's going to make

everything much worse.

50 -50. 50 -50. All right. Them's good odds.

Let's do this.

So that's how renter's insurance works? They just give you a free laptop?

Well, there's a deductible, and something bad has to happen to your

laptop. Like a giant bird attack? Yep, giant bird, theft, zombie apocalypse. It

covers all kinds of stuff. Huh, interesting.

Who wants a beer?

All right, let's rock it!

Nice, guys. That was really decent.

That was perfect. Right, guys? I mean, come on. Yeah, it was really good.

Ernesto, you could play a little bit slower on the intro. Other than that,

amazing. Okay, yeah. What about me? Kevin, you were dope. No complaints.

Nice. Go again?

Wait, question.

Should we suck a little weed first?

Yeah!

Hold on, wait a minute.

Put some, put some real in it.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the next installment of Words with Ike. I'm sorry

I was running a little late today, but we have a little bit of a fun surprise.

didn't get a chance to review today's word.

My team chose it for me, so we're going to discover what today's word is

together, you and I.

So let's see what we got.

Gubbin? Okay.

And what does that mean?

An object of little or no value.

Can someone pinch me? Because I think I'm having a nightmare.

All right. You know what?

You know what? I have a lot on my plate. And the one day, the one day I'm

late... To the program, my team picked a word like gubbin.

Gubbin.

It's not exactly slim pickin'. We got a lot of words here from A to

Z. And you pick gubbin.

Gubbin.

Okay, that's it. The end.

Lights off.

Okay, lights out. Thank you.

Jesus.

Come on, boy.

After all we've been through.

What? Oh, uh, uh, just a second.

Who's got time for his old friend all of a sudden? Yeah, shut up. Did you change

my pit again?

I don't know.

Did I?

That's a felony, you know. I need to buy medicine. This is an actual thing. I

could die.

The game is afoot.

You have one hour.

This phone call was self -destructive.

Why is this taking so long? I need to look at my account balance. So use the

app. With what? The hands I lost to the divorce?

Uh, okay, think, think. What would Swadboy change my password to?

Aha!

42069. What?

Damn it. From all around they heard me cry, the new metal sound will never die?

Okay, so why did he have me come here?

All right, in 2002, this one goes out to the recently deceased George Harrison.

Rest in peace.

Ah, shit.

What were you even trying to do?

Unclear.

Where did he... Hey, wait. These are mine.

And that's my car. I thought it was stolen.

Hey, buddy.

DMA.

Oh!

DMF. Too much this.

Left at Youngberg Ave and then a right at Watch Out for That Ugly Guy.

In all my years.

That turned the radio to 87 .7 The Fist. Oh, that's where we worked in high

school.

Are you sure that's crazy by Donald Barkley? Close enough. Time to watch

in one year.

Oh, fuck.

Here we go.

What?

Wait, what?

Wait.

Congratulations, you've made it to the final test. If you really want your

to go buy your ass pills, all you have to do is slam it in the wall you're

driving toward. Take the leap of faith.

Whoa, crash into it. No.

Man, you never do anything.

You wouldn't last a second on Steel Team Six, who just got out.

No, what the fuck am I doing?

Oh,

we meet again.

No, was it? Swat boy, you fucking...

What the shit is wrong with you? What if I had driven into the wall?

Oh, you mean this fake wall?

Oh, fuck, you almost died.

Yikes. Why did you do all of this? I need that cash for medicine.

Oh, but you don't need to answer your phone.

Uh, what?

You screened my call multiple times. I thought we were friends.

We are friends, but I can't just answer the phone at any moment of the day.

Well, I think we both made mistakes today, you more than me. I'm man enough

admit that.

I was trying to do was reach out and connect.

Yeah, well, this was a fucking insane way to do it. You blew up a bridge.

Yeah, but look at us now, hanging out like it's 2002, 2006, and whatever the

third year we flashback to was.

I spent the whole day alone.

Oh, but did you?

You see, my child, when there was one set of footprints, that's when I was

carrying you.

Ow, fuck!

Look, man, if you want to hang out, just be normal and say so.

God, fuck.

God, ow.

Yeah, I want to.

Okay, then let's go to the pharmacy.

All right, yeah, maybe we stay off of the main street, though, because I

committed a major terrorist attack and I bragged about it on the radio.

Yeah, I remember.

In summertime.

Sorry, was that not working?

Not at all. This is actually more of like an instrumental track.

Shit, you gotta be shitting me.

What happened? My greatest internet music rival is releasing a stupid album

tomorrow. Shit. Look at this.

Banya? Banya.

That's my rival's name.

Like Tanya with a B?

Exactly. Son of a gun copies me in every dang way. He steals my beats.

He replicates my visual style.

He's totally ripping me off. Yeah, he even took your name. The name is

a coincidence.

But everything else is completely fucked up. Fuck Banya. Yeah, fuck you, Banya.

And now he's releasing his album before me? Damn it. I'm losing my cool over

this. Where's my whiskey? In the whiskey bag.

Ow. It's time to get serious, boys.

Ernesto, no more singing.

Seems like a mistake, but all right.

Two, three, four.

Ernesto!

Shoot, sorry. My bad.

What the heck is this summertime business?

I don't know. It's just, like, coming to me in the moment. I think I get lost in

the music. Do you think maybe we could just work it into the mix? No, dude.

It's an instrumental track. And it's completely unrelated to summer.

Oh, no.

What? This is my high school band all over again.

And it was junior year.

Everything in band was going great.

But then one day, our drummer turned to me and was like, Ernesto, we've decided

you're out of the band. We decided instead of two guitars, we'll have a

tambourine instead.

And then this guy walked in holding a tambourine, and he was like, hey, I'm

Tambourine. And I was like, hey.

Joey Tamarine, fuck you.

In fact, fuck all of you. I quit, and I swore to never be in a band again, ever.

And then I left. It was your idea to be in my band, dude.

I know.

I guess I must have repressed that memory due to the extreme anger I was

at the time, but now... I'm sorry, Tanya.

I've learned so much from being in this band with you, but... I think it's time

for me to go solo.

It's been 35 minutes. It just feels like the moment is right.

I'm going to start my own band outside on the patio. I hope you guys

I totally don't. Yeah, you're being crazy right now.

Well, I hope you'll understand eventually.

Goodbye.

Until I need more beer.

Hey, that's my bass. You can't take it.

Okay.

I need an instrument, though.

Take the kazoo.

Seriously, dude?

Alright,

from the top. Two, three, four!

Okay. Night.

And that's why I was like, well, what do you mean I can't return this? I bought

it yesterday, you know? It was ridiculous.

Yeah. Wait, oh my god, oh my god.

That's Robbie from my class. Oh my god, the one you were telling me about? Don't

look, don't look.

Oh my god, I think he's coming over here. Oh my god, quick, quick. How do I

look? How do I look?

Oh, no, you look fine. You're super lumpy, really malleable. You look great.

Okay, great.

How's my hair?

Yeah, it's, like, super motionless, all one, like, conglomerate piece.

Oh, perfect.

Perfect. Is there anything in my teeth?

I can't tell. Let me see.

Nice. It looks great.

Good morning, Pickles. Is that a tattoo?

Carl, I've lost everything.

Last night, I went over the edge. The strippers, they took it all.

They took my barricades. Oh, no.

I had to do it. They forced me to.

I run guns now, Carl. I'm a gun runner.

You a gun runner? These hands are stained with the blood of the innocent.

Know me, for my name is Death.

Oh, no. I need a driver, Carl. A mule.

Someone to take the bullets. I need you.

Marie? Come with me, Carl.

Join me in the shadows.

I'll get you anything you want. Anything, Carl.

Speak your desire.

I want DVDs. You have all the DVDs.

I want a DVD.

in a dark closet, and you open the door. The light is coming in. I'm stepping

out. This is life.

Carl, that's enough.

I'm sorry.

Archer got carried away.

No, I mean, I have all I need.

I'm a double agent, Carl.

C -I -A.

Wait, what?

I had to do it.

You're going to burn for this.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

I'm your only hope, Carl. Come with me.

Deeper into the darkness.

Into the CIA.

What on earth, Pickles?

Incorrect dream.

You can keep the DVD.

Oh, what the... I'm in.

OK, boys, we got him. Yeah, I've got the knock. Yeah, it was Pickles.

What? Next time. Yeah, but...

Yeah. Hey, would you rather lose both legs or both arms?

What kind of question is that?

Well, you know, a surgical team bursts in right now. Arms or legs, what do you

choose?

Neither, because that would never, ever happen. Of course it won't happen. It's

a hypothetical. Great. I don't have to decide then, do I?

Would you rather have the left half of your brain removed?

Or the right half. Never happened. Oh, come on.

Hypothetically, a surgical team bursts in.

Hypothetically, I'd have to research what each side of the brain did before

making a decision. You don't have time to research.

You have 20 seconds to decide. Then they're going to do it. That's

What kind of surgical team is this? A fucked one. Where have they come from?

dark net?

The dark net. Yeah.

Someone's ordered them. With Bitcoin.

I'm not participating in this stupid conversation anymore.

Oh, just play along.

No.

Hypotheticals are only useful if they might actually happen one day. But your

ones would never, ever happen.

Not in a million years.

There he is.

Strap him down.

Hey, what the hell?

What are you doing? Hey!

Oh, no!

Jerry, who are these people? It looks like a surgical team.

We're going to chop off your arms or your legs. Which is it going to be? Are

serious? What? Because we're fucked. Terry, what have you done?

I haven't done anything.

You've organised this, haven't you? No, no, I swear I haven't. You got them on

the dark net. I didn't. You've got 20 seconds to decide. Arms or legs?

Left brain or right brain? But wait, I need to... He needs to research which

side of the brain does what. Right, Gordon? Yeah.

Ten seconds.

Our Wi -Fi's out.

I'll reset the router. Five seconds.

Got to leave it out a few minutes.

I don't have... A few minutes! Ow!

Left or right? Arms or legs? Legs or arms? Right or left? Terry, this better

a fucking joke! It's not, Gordon!

Decide! Decide!

Ah,

you're awake,

mate. I brought you some tea.

Here you go.

Uh, I'll just put it down here.

So, because you couldn't make your mind up, the surgical team removed both your

arms and your legs and the middle of your brain.

I looked up what the middle did when our internet went back on.

It's not a deal breaker.

You did all this to me because I wouldn't play along with your

Gordon, I swear on my mother's grave that I had nothing to do with this.

Nothing. Not a single thing.

It's the most...

Crazy coincidence in the history of the universe, Gordon. You have to believe

me.

You've got to admit, though, my hypotheticals weren't dumb after all.

Were they?

Hello.

You know what I like about you, Kevin?

Is it my charm?

Well, obviously your charm. I knew it. But also, you're a team player.

You don't try to be like the star.

That's because I know I'm a star. I don't have to prove it. Exactly.

Not like some people.

Banya, Ernesto in many ways. That fucking Falcon.

I think Ernesto's just afraid of rejection. What, so he preemptively

first? Exactly.

Well, there is some good news. I think we're almost done with the album.

Really? Yeah. We've got, I'd say, four, five more hours tops.

Oh, okay.

Hey.

Hey, dude.

Oh, hey.

How's your new band?

Ugh. It's actually incredible.

Everything is going really well.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I have no reason to say otherwise.

Actually, I'm here to recruit new members.

Kevin, could you play drums on my new track?

I guess so. Kevin, you're already in my band.

I can be in two bands.

Don't box in my creativity.

Fine, but we're recording the next Tanya track in 12 minutes, and I need you

back here.

My band doesn't really do schedules.

It's more of a chill, artistic experience. Okay.

Woo! All right, let's do this. So exciting.

Two, three, four.

Kevin, let's go. It's time.

Kevin, hey, could I borrow you again in, I don't know, 15 minutes or so? Uh,

yeah.

I can easily juggle both of my friends' expectations.

Cheers.

Two, three, four.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Give a joke.

K -Town. Be right there.

Kevin. Kevin, let's go. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Okay. No problem.

Be right there.

Sport drink. Yellow flavor. I'm on it.

Looks like I'm on it. Two, three, four.

How?

We should get chips.

We have chips at home.

Let's get him this one.

No, he said yellow flavor.

Blue is better. It has better vitamins. Dude, none of them have vitamins.

Except for the blue one. It's the special version.

It's from the Arctic.

It's the exact same shit. It's just sugar and food coloring. Fine.

Looks like I'm getting kicked out of this band, too.

Huh? What band?

The band of getting sports drink. It's a metaphor.

Ernesto, that metaphor barely makes sense. And I was never going to kick you

of the band.

You weren't? No, dude.

You just kept singing about summertime for some reason.

It's my poetic nature. It just gets the best of me sometimes.

Well, if you can be a little less poetic, you can be in the band again.

Really? I mean, unless your solo project is going well. Check this out.

It's actually not bad.

Sir, ma 'am, you're going to need to exit the store. But our sports drinks.

Hold the phone.

Listen, all my 30 speakers, like that with the breakdown.

So let me show you something to witness.

I look for my business with the inhibition.

Come to prison, then I'll be here when you stop bitching. I have now. What is

that smell, doc, when you inhale a round and you exhale a pound?

It's the type that goes along.

And I pray for my mom.

How'd you do it?